The Switchblade Mamma

by Lindsey Schussman

14.

  Bright lights and a multitude of hands holding me. Bright white lights. Voices, men's voices. Flowing red blood, and eternal pain. Consciousness at that point was out of the question. My mind was mush. All I could see in my head, was Bertha's face smashing into mine over and over again. Her claws, digging into my face.

  I had broken whichever commandment it was by hurting someone else. I fell into an endless sea of darkness. The sea of darkness had turned into a fiery river. My soul was on fire. By keeping those that I loved alive, I had to hurt another and another and so on until blood stained my soul forever. Asmodeaus himself would greet me into the nine hells. There was now a mark upon my soul in which I could never remove. I faded away into a greater darkness. Reluctantly, again sleep, but not much. I was plagued by blood, I was blinded by evil lights. My soul was tainted, my dreams forever haunted.

  I awoke quickly to a bright white ceiling. As I slowly blinked, only one eye was with me. I slowly reached my sore left arm and slid my hand down the left side of my face. There were bandages and gauze covering my left eye. I slowly lifted my head and found myself lying in a big luxurious bed.

  The big California king size bed had five big fluffy pillows. Two of which were propped underneath me. I was surrounded by a big brown and white lush comforter. Underneath me, my bum was blessed with silk sheets. "Holy shit!" I said to myself as a looked around and marveled at the sheer size of the bed.

  I looked about the room. It was big and it was bright. The bed sheets were spotted with my blood. I could see the outside. The whole wall leading to the outside was made of glass. Outside the glass was a patio balcony and beyond that was a beach and beyond that I could see the ocean. I lifted myself from the bed, turned my legs and let them hang off the sides. The bed was so tall my feet would not even touch the floor.

  My head pounded. I became nauseous and I let out a great moan. With my feet hanging off the side of the bed, I laid myself back down. The headache and nausea were too severe. From the corner of my eye, I could see somebody rising from the heap of blankets that lay in the chair that sat in the corner of the room.

  As I lay on the side of the bed, Paige came into view. I saw her immediately and smiled. "A little help please?"

  I saw a small smile sweep across her face and then it disappeared. "Jesus Christ Lill, what the fuck?"

  I couldn't tell if it was a question or a statement. The whole time I was lost without her. The whole time I was waiting for her to come. Seeing her by my side would have been a great help while I was on the killing floor. But she was not there. And thus, that was my, what the fuck? "What do you mean what the fuck? Where were you last night?" I stopped for a bit. I wondered if it was really last night. "Was it really last night?" I asked her still lying somewhat paralyzed on the bed from my severe headache.

  "Yes, it was last night." She said.

  Motionless, I looked into her eyes and she into mine. "I really, really wanted to see you."

  She moved in closer and sat on the bed next me. "I was there Lill, I was there. By the time I got there, you're already on the ground and gone. I was with you the whole time after that, I never left your side."

  "Where the Fuck were you?" I asked, woozily.

  "I had to come here. I had to make sure the place was stocked, had food. Is what I usually do when we come out here. "She said.

  Still lying down, I glanced around the room once again. "Where the Fuck is here?" I asked.

  "This, my dear friend, is Paul Bishop's beach summerhouse." She said.

  "Ahh," I said. "That would explain the ocean out the window. I almost thought I had died gone to heaven."

  Still lying on the bed, I lifted my head once again. Close to the bed there was a door. The wall with the door ended and the other side of the wall reached out to another wall which had a door. I lay my head back down upon the bed and pondered for a moment. Then, I turned my head to the right and looked at Paige. "There are two doors in this room. Well, technically three if you add the sliding glass door that leads out to the patio."

  "Yes?" She replied.

  "So, one of these doors has to lead to a bathroom. Am I correct?"

  Page smiled and then turned and looked at me. "Yes Lill, one does lead to the bathroom."

  I closed my eyes and gave off a cheesy smile. "Yessssss!"

  "What are you getting at, Lill?"

  "Well, seeing how it has been well over a year since I've had a proper shower and I have dirt and grunge in places I did not think dirt and grunge could dwell, would it be possible that I could take a shower?" I couldn't see how she could deny me that one simple pleasure.

  "I'll tell you what Lill, let me pull that bandage off your face, clean the cut and I'll let you get in the shower. You have a whole week to recuperate until the next fight, if you want to stay in that shower for a whole week, so be it."

  Just then, she reminded me of my blindness. "Yeah, so what is the status of my eye?"

  "You're lucky she did not rip your eyeball out. I tell you that you will have a very good scar from now on. And you're eye, well, she scratched your cornea, but you will be able to see again after a few days. It will take time to heal. Dr. Cole was here and he did his very best. There are some sutures in it that will need to be removed later, but for now I'm pretty sure they will sustain in the shower. While you were out, he gave you your weekly injection of the cocktail."

  It took me some time to get up. Paige gave me aspirins. I slowly rose, but the pain was still a jackhammer in my head. I winced as she removed the bandage from my eye.

  "Wow!" She said.

  "What?"

  With her left palm laying upon her forehead she shook her head. "The cut looks incredibly different from last night."

  "Like how?" I asked.

  "Well? It appears to have healed a lot quicker than I anticipated. I think by tomorrow we should be able to pull the sutures. This is insane? Dr. Cole is definitely on to something with that cocktail."

  As she carefully dabbed my wound, the pain led me to grab her other wrist in hopes that I would find comfort from the pain.

  As Paige inspected her work, she looked into my eyes. "Did you know you cracked her skull?"

  "Who?"

  "Big Bertha, silly!"

  "Jesus Christ. I actually cracked her skull? I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to?"

  She stopped me. She placed both her hands upon my cheeks. She looked at me. "Lillian, you have more power and more strength than you know. With great power comes great responsibility. However, in this heinous sport, responsibility is at times somewhat vacant. My father showed me the video from last night. After we got you under control and comfortable, he showed it to me over and over again. I was completely repulsed. But," she was about to say something, but it would not come out.

  What I had done last night was not a play. It was not rehearsed. What I had done last night made me sick to the core. As people would watch videos from football teams trying to learn their moves, people as we speak were watching me and Bertha go at it. They were now trying to learn my moves. My moves, which weren't moves at all.

  "Lillian, today will be a rest day. Get in that shower, get clean. You are gonna stay in here and recuperate for the rest the day. I'm pretty sure you're hungry, so after you get out of the shower, I will have some food ready for you. Get your rest babe. Tomorrow, Paul Bishop will be here. We have many things to talk about."

  She lifted herself from the bed and walked out the door. Once again I heard locking mechanisms that she closed it. It was another prison, but at least it was a nicer room.

  I lay myself upon the bed once again. I tried to focus on the task at hand. The door to the bathroom was ever so close and I wanted a shower so badly. I raised myself slowly. The aspirins had started to kick in and I was able to rise to my feet. I took the four steps that were required for me to get to the bathroom door. As I opened the door and turned on the lights, I was greeted by a gorgeous room.

  The bathroo
m was bright, covered in gorgeous Italian tiles. It was a straight shower and not a shower bath tub combo. The shower was straight slabs of glass and nothing less. It had multiple heads that would stream multiple streams of water. I was no longer wearing the clothes of the Switchblade Mama, but I was wearing simple boxers and a plain gray shirt. I looked at myself in the mirror.

  I saw my face. My cut had extended from the left side of my hairline, over my eye, a little bit over my nostril and down to the upper portion of my right lip. Big Bertha had removed me of much skin indeed. I was not happy about it, but it was a reminder of how much more I had to protect myself. If I survived all, it would be a reminder.

  With much pain, I slowly removed my shirt, exposing all of the brightly blue colored bruises. They covered my lower body all the way up. With much effort, I pulled down my boxers and my panties. All articles of clothing had bloodstains.

  I slowly walked myself to the shower. I opened the door, walked in and opened the valve putting it on the hot setting. The cool water sent a blast of chilling sensations throughout my body. I waited for the steam to overcome the beautiful glass walls.

  I had an epiphany as soon as I walked in. There were streams of water coming from every direction. The heat from the spouting heads of water created such a sensation upon my skin. I melted like butter. I walked up to the main head and placed both my hands against the wonderful Italian tiled wall. I absorbed the heat. I closed my eye, for the left was already swollen shut and let the warm water enveloped my body. The steam from the shower overtook the whole bathroom. Everything became foggy.

  As I let the hard hot streams of water penetrate and massage my back, I knelt to the ground and let out my pain. I began to cry humbly, as I watched the hard crispy blood wash down the drain. I hoped that my pain, my fears and my tears would wash away. I had no idea how much time lapsed as I knelt down in the shower, but as soon as I got up, I looked for the soap.

  I never took so much pleasure out of taking a shower. You take so many things for granted in life. This was one of the things I must've taken for granted. But as I found the soap and began to lather myself profusely, I thought I was in sheer heaven. It was a simple bar of Irish Spring, but I thought it was an Irish heaven. I smelt the bar soap so many times. I inhaled it over and over again. I lathered myself and rinsed over and over again. There was no shampoo, so I lathered my short hair with Irish Spring. With the stink and the grunge, I tried so very hard to wash it away with the simple bar of soap. It didn't matter if it truly did wash away, for that moment, my cleanliness was my sanctuary. As a washed away the suds of soap, I stood underneath the heated streams a bit longer. I tried to wash away my sins and my bad thoughts. For at the moment, they disappeared and all I could think of was a caressing warm glove that was wrapped around me.

  I finally removed myself from the hot sanctity of safety. Everything in the bathroom was covered with a thin film of fog. I slowly exited the shower, wrapped a towel from the rack around my frail body and exited the bathroom. It was soon to be winter and the days were fading fast. As I left the dull lights of the bathroom, I entered the room of fading light. With the towel wrapped around me, I walked up to the nightstand that was close the bed and turned on the lamp.

  The only clothes that I knew I had, was the shirt and the boxers that I had just stripped in the bathroom. I threw off the towel and completely naked, gimped over to the dresser just out of sheer curiosity. I pulled out the top drawer. With pure satisfaction, I smiled at the sight of my clothes stocked in the dresser.

  The sun was disappearing over the horizon. The ocean had enveloped all light except for a bland blueness that barely glowed through the dark sky. I found some long pajama bottoms and a light top. I put them on quickly for I desperately wanted to walk out of the glass sliding door and smell the ocean and gaze upon the fading sun and the bright stars. Success. I limped, but I reached the sliding glass door. I ripped them open like an anticipated present and inhaled the outside.

  It was a rush of gorgeousness that hit my nose. It was a rush of humidity and sweet ocean smells. As I opened the sliding glass door and let myself out into the beautiful gorgeous world, the sun was gone and the night was kissing the sky. I slowly limped and placed both my hands upon the wooden balcony rails. Without any thoughts of escape, I looked up into the cool dark sky. I inhaled many times, the cool brisk ocean air. I looked into the stars. They were so bright and so individual. Each and every one of them, twinkling a beacon of life. I wanted so desperately to leave. I wanted so desperately to rise my soul up into the universe and become free. The wind was whispering through my pajamas, absorbing my skin. I gathered my hands upon the railings of the balcony. I laid my hands upon my fists. I listened to the roaring of the surf upon the beach. I hoped it would calm my mind, I hoped it would ease my soul.

  "Beautiful isn't it?"

  Startled, I turned my head quickly behind me to see the man who fit the voice. It was Paul Bishop. He stood tall and firmly like a block wall. He was dressed in nothing but the best. His usual pinstripe suit and red tie. Paul frightened me. With all of his money, he could accomplish good. Unfortunately though, his money was spent on more devious sorts.

  I said nothing. I just turned my head and looked back out to the ocean. I clinched my fists and my teeth as well. The thought had crossed my mind. Maybe I could bash his head in over and over again until his brains splattered all over the beautiful wooden planks of the patio. Unfortunately, I was not that person. At least not that person, yet.

  He slithered up to me and leaned up against the balcony rails as well. "Beautiful night it is tonight, don't you agree?"

  I said nothing. I just nodded my head.

  "That was an interesting fight there. For a moment, I thought you were to lose. I see you've gained yourself an interesting battle wound there." He pulled open the side of his jacket, reached in and pulled out a cigar. Like a burly man, he bit off the end and lit it up. He took a few puffs off the cigar before he took a long drag. "Paige must've forgotten to lock the sliding door. I'm pretty sure we wouldn't want to lose our guest of honor."

  That frightened me. I didn't want Paige to get in trouble by him. I shook my head. "You need not worry Mr. Bishop. I know my place and I know what is at stake. Please just give me this. I assure you, you will have no more trouble from me."

  He inhaled deeply off of his cigar. "Good." He said as he looked at it. "I see through this journey, you have gained some smarts. You just barely paid off your surgery. I hope in the time to come, you will make me some more money"

  Anger. I was a dynamite stick and he just lit my fuse. "Is it really about money? Or is it just about whose balls are bigger. But how can you tell who's balls are bigger when it's not you on that floor? Perhaps you gentleman should measure whose purse is bigger instead."

  Paul let out a low deep laugh. "And here comes the smartass remarks. I thought you said that I would not get any more trouble out of you."

  "This is not trouble Sir; this is just me speaking my mind."

  "Ahhh? Did you know, interesting fact I have to bring up? That your sister, that lives in what? Ohio? She's pregnant again, did you know? Her babies due, what? July of next year? So now you have, soon to be, two nieces?"

  Of course I did not know my sister was pregnant again. I had been gone for over a year. It was Thanksgiving weekend, so I knew my niece had turned five only a few days ago. We were distant, but I tried my best to keep in touch. I would always call Kristine for her birthday and wish her good one. Unfortunately the last year, and this year, the lines remained silent.

  It was a disgusting feeling that churned in my gut. Not only was Paul holding my mother accountable for my actions, but he wished to further his destruction and continue with the rest of my family. I could gather no more emotions but anger. I wanted nothing more than to hurt him so much. Never in my life did I want to ever hurt anyone so much. "Okay Mr. Bishop, you win."

  I couldn't see it, but by the way he spoke the word "good",
I knew he was smiling. "Just try to get out there next week, and give everyone a little bit more of a show."

  "A bit more of a show? No offense Sir, but all I am trying to do is stay alive."

  "Oh yes, I understand that, but you must understand, the more drama, the more money is at stake. You have a good thing going for you. The switchblade Mama is quite catchy, but I was a little saddened by the fact that you did not pull out your switchblades, as well as the rest of the crowd was. I know because I was in the crowd."

  I shifted my feet and continued to look out into the ocean. I tried so very hard not to look at Paul Bishop. I wanted to wring his neck. I wanted to kill him. I wanted to throw his body over the balcony, drag him into the ocean, and let the sharks eat upon his useless meat sack. The smell from the cigar was of course enticing my nose. I was a smoker and wanted so badly to have a drag. "But the rules? I was told not to kill unless I had to."

  "Oh yes the rules. We mustn't forget those. After all, if you do not abide by them, you will be shot. I agree. It's hard to tell what the judge's agree with. But remember, you get a whistle blow and a warning shot, before you are shot. Should you make it into the championship fight, the rules are way more lenient if you know what I mean. Anything goes."

  It was obvious Paul Bishop was trying to make me into a bad girl. He wanted me to break the rules in order to make a good show. It was of course always the good shows that brought in the money. And to Paul Bishop, money was all that mattered.

  "Make it to the championship fight, please. I wouldn't want to have to hurt that beautiful family of yours. This next fight, you will go up against a woman known as Serial Carol."

  I let out a low chuckle. "Are you serious, Serial Carol?"

  "The name, my dear Switchblade, is nothing to laugh about. This woman has maimed and killed many others. She is tall and her strengths are her wide arm's-length. She's skinny and agile. If you're not careful, she will put you down in one blow." The cigar was quickly fading and with it I assumed was our conversation.

  The moment was silent and I said nothing. I just let the breeze pull through my poufy shorthair. I ran my hands through it over and over again letting the short soft hairs caress my skin.

  "Oh," he said as he took one last long deep drag from his cigar. "Let's try to walk out onto that floor with a little more assertiveness than last time. I must say, the laughs that I received last night were somewhat, unnerving. If you are going to be a bad ass Lill, you must play the part. If you are going to be the switchblade Mama, then by all means play the part. If you wish to survive this world, please do not play the part as a scared little kidnapped girl."

  I remained motionless at the balcony. As Paul turned and began to walk away from me, he took the cigar, which little was left and handed it to me. I watched as he walked out of the room. As soon as he opened the door, Paige was there. She cleared the way so that he could exit. I turned my head back onto the ocean. With the cigar in hand I took a deep needing drag. I inhaled so deeply I could have sucked the chrome off of a tailpipe. I exhaled and the smoke faded away into the breeze. The buzz gave me a high and sent a tingling comfort down my spine.

  The door was left open and quietly Paige emerged into the cool darkness with me. She resided in the same spot that Mr. Bishop had stood. In silence, we both stood there until she spoke. "What did he say?"

  "Enough." I said. I took one more satisfying drag from the cigar before I tossed it over the balcony. I crossed my arms and leaned them on the hard weathered wood. I rested my chin on top of my arm. "He wants me to be meaner. He doesn't want me to play this, sorry for myself kidnapped bullshit. He wants me to show no mercy. He wants me to kill and maim. He wants me to be on the edge and someone who breaks the rules."

  "Jesus." Was all she could say.

  "Oh I agree." I said. "The first thing I'd do if I ever relieve myself of this situation is go after Bishop himself, no wait? I'm going after the bastard that gave me up. Then, I'm going after Bishop. Going after him and going for blood. I'm going to make him pay for all of the innocent lives that he has given up for money."

  Paige was silent. She had no words to speak in return. She sat there motionless for a while and let the wind speak for her. Paige finally spoke before she left the room and left me to myself. "Your dinner is on the nightstand next the bed. Good night Lillian. See you early in the morning." And with that she was gone.

  As I sat up there on the patio balcony a while longer, it finally came to me that I was left outside by myself. Shaking off my thoughts of escape, I walked through the glass door and entered the inside. I closed the door and locked it. The smell of the dinner was dancing throughout the whole room. My mouth began to salivate. Like a wolf running to a carcass of carrion, I was at that nightstand inhaling my food. Meatloaf and mashed potatoes, with steamed broccoli, lightly salted. No hesitation, the plate was clean in an instant.

  I was tired and worn out. After my meal, I went to the bathroom to finish my nightly routine. Teeth brushed, flossed and mouth washed. I turned the lights off and slowly, achingly climbed into bed. The very thought of it sent tingles of pleasure of my spine. The mattress was so comfortable. The sheets were clean and smelled of wonderful detergent. I thought as soon as I hit the bed, I would find comfort and fall quickly to sleep. Not such the case.

  I laid there for a while with my eyes wide open. I could feel the nightmares upon me. I was never a fan of the nightmares I received when I was sick. I was never a fan with the nightmares I received while I was sick with worry. I was so tired, but I did not want to fall asleep. I knew the chaos that my dreams would bring. Even with my eyes closed, I knew I would gain no comfort. I fought the drooping eyelids as much as possible. It was inevitable though, for my eyes finally shut and my nightmares began.

  It was a cage, surrounded by darkness. It was just me and Sarah Waters. My hands were clasped tightly around her neck. It was such a tightness, that her eyeballs were popping out of her sockets. On the floor in which we fought, there was a river of blood. The river of blood was caused by the bash that I gave Sarah in her head from head-butting her. It wasn't soon after that until I began to drown in Sarah Waters' blood. It was so thick I could not tread it. I begin to gasp for air and thus began to shout for help. My shouts for help were not only in dream, but expelled from my very breath that echoed through the quaint vacation house. As I woke from the nightmare, I shot up from my bed, sitting in my own sweat.

  The door was unlocked and I could see Paige's dark silhouette slowly emerge. I, still grasping for breath and trying to gain ground, finally calmed as I watched Paige walk to side of the bed. Quietly Paige whispered, "are you okay?"

  Breathing heavily, I tried to gain thought. "I think so? I had a nightmare."

  Without word, Paige let herself into my bed, carefully slid over to me and planted herself by my side. "Is it okay if I stay here with you?"

  I didn't even have to think about it. "Please."

  She wrapped her arms around me. It was a feeling of security. It was a feeling of warmth. Paige wrapped her arms around me and the nightmares faded away like melting candle wax. She wrapped her arms around me and I felt comfort in a pure heart beat that lay next me. As soon as her arms wrapped around me, I felt the shield from the bad dreams. With her close, I fell asleep.