The Switchblade Mamma

by Lindsey Schussman

35.

  The week in question was no doubt a hard one, and a waste of time. I had no idea where to search for Paul Bishop. I knew he did not live in the state of Arizona, nor did I know where to look. My days were spent sleeping in alleys, and drifting on streets. During the day, with what strength I could muster, I'd hit the library and search the Internet trying to find Paul Bishop. Even if I figured out where he lived, it would still take time to get there. Only problem was, I didn't have the time. One more week, my heart would seize and I would die. I hated myself every day for being a failure. I promised Paige that I would succeed, I had to succeed, but I had nothing.

  It was painfully difficult to come to the conclusion that I had failed. As every day past, my bones hurt more and more as I was reminded of the fact that I was soon to die.

  A whole week had passed and I had accomplished nothing. I spent my nights in alleys, leaning up and comforted by the sides and warmth of dumpsters. Every morning when I woke up and breathed in another day of life, was another day that I felt a whole other system of pain.

  As the third week was upon me, I swallowed hard slowly opening my eyes, blinded by a newspaper that lay across my face. Without hesitation, I quickly pulled it away, but one word grabbed my eye. Bishop. As my eyes came into focus, I investigated the article more. "Paul Bishop to stay at a hotel in the great state of Arizona, to accept an award, blah, blah, blah." I said loudly to myself. That was it. My big break had finally come. As I read on, my fears of failure began to diminish. It was Tuesday and my goal was Thursday. I breathed heavily as I tried so desperately to lift myself up. Every bone in my body burned with an insane fire. I had to survive. Four more days at the most, I had to survive.

  Like a moth attracted to the light, I stood close to the hotel. I watched closely with every lasting breath. As midday Wednesday approached, the limo that contained the bad ass mother fucker himself, had finally arrived. Decrepit, melting, and fading away at the seams, I tried to keep myself focused and keep myself together. I watched Paul Bishop walk into the hotel, without further nourishment, not caring about my health, I waited patiently.

  I knew his appetites and I knew his wants and needs. If I waited patiently, I knew my window would open. Surly enough, it did.

  Long ago, the sun had melted and the moon rose, letting all of the creatures of the night know it was their time to shine. I watched Paul Bishop as he left the hotel. I followed as he casually walked. I kept my distance and stalked. My head was pounding and my stomach was grumbling with emptiness, but I continued on. My whole body was in pain, the seizing had begun.

  The night was complete darkness. The clouds created a dark purple overcast and the rain droplets began to fall. Cursing my disabilities, I huffed and puffed as I tried to keep up, vapor expelling from my mouth in large plumes. Finally, Paul took a turn into a dark alley. He disappeared as the blackness swallowed him up. I, across the street, took a knee. I thought about doing it just then, getting it over with, but due to my own determination and my stubbornness, I didn't think I had the strength to do it.

  Minutes had passed until I saw another woman. She was taller with brunette hair. Short skirt and long jacket, high stilettos included. She entered the alley way and disappeared as well. I took a deep breath and rushed across the street, back up against the wall of the building, I turned to take a peek around. I could barely see anything, only Paul's head over the garbage can. From the noises that were echoing from the alleyway, I knew exactly what was transpiring. I ran back across the street, hiding once again. I watched as Paul casually exited the alleyway, headed back in the direction in which he came. I waited for the woman. I thought I could use her.

  When she finally emerged from the darkness, I began to follow her. She walked a few blocks and then I watched as she was violently pulled into a dark alley. I picked it up a notch as I went from a slow walk to a quick gate. Seizing up indeed. I could feel the tension as it tightened in my muscles. When the woman began to yell, I pushed aside everything and ran to her defense.

  I turned the corner and entered the alleyway. I watched as a tall man backhanded the woman, sending her crashing to the ground. My anger was once again ignited. Eyes grew wide and my speed picked up. Just as the woman hit the ground, I jumped and became airborne, shouting, "hey, fucker!"

  The man had no time to react. Just as he turned to look at me flying towards him, I was on him like flies on a turd. I grabbed the collar of his shirt with both hands and with my momentum, he fell to the ground with me on top. As I made sure the back of his head hit the concrete hard, I gave him a low growl and said "like to hit girls? Well, hit me!" With no chance to retaliate, I gave him one of my hard and heavy patented head-butts.

  His head hit the ground hard. Like a fat kid in dodge ball, he was out. With my head split open and blood slowly slip and sliding down, I took my hands from his collar and planted my palms flat against the cold ground on either side of his head. What I had just done took a lot out of me and I needed time to catch my breath. My breathing was still heavy and my head became light. With no relief coming to the rescue, I turned my head towards the woman, who was looking at me.

  As I began to lose my grip on reality, I saw the woman's lips slowly move, but I heard no words. A tingling sensation overcame me and as I left the woman gaze, raised my head and looked toward the sky. The cold droplets of rain provided minimal comfort, but at least it was something. As the clouds swirled and lightly expelled the moon from their covers, I felt its brief warmth of luminescence. After that, consciousness's was lost and darkness became my blanket for sleep.

  Propped up and sitting, I heard a low murmur of female voices. Warmth surrounded my body and I smelled the heat from a cooking stove top. Slowly opening my eyes, I swallowed. I found myself sitting at a table with three other women. Two blondes and one redhead. There was a cup in front of me and not speaking a word, I investigated its contents. It was a cup filled with plain water and without asking, I drank and drained its world. As I put the cup down, I rubbed my four head, finding a bandage where the gash had been.

  The woman who was in the alley, walked up to me and slid a mug onto the table. As I inhaled the warm insides, I knew exactly what it was, but just asked to break the silence. "What is it?"

  "Chicken noodle."

  I picked the cup up and placed it closer to my nose, inhaling its wonderful chicken goodness. "Thank you." I said.

  The brunette haired, blue-eyed woman took her seat at the table next to the other three. The three of them watched as I slowly sipped the hot broth. My eyes were heavy with sleep and my body was filled with pain. The brunette finally spoke. "You have a name?"

  I leaned back and took a few slow sips from the water. "I used to."

  "What is that supposed to mean?" The brunette asked.

  I bypassed the question and got straight down to business. "That man that you're with, the one before the pimp, how well do you know him?" I asked.

  The brunette haired woman's eyes narrowed. "Why were you following me?"

  I shook my head. "Please just answer the question. Do you know that man?" I asked once again.

  She nodded. "Yes. And I'm telling you this only because you saved my ass out there. But, yes I know that man. He says his name is Paul Rogers. He is rich, and from out of town, but he calls every time he is in." Her eyes once again narrowed and she began a short but light glare. "Now I answered your question, answer mine. Who are you and why were you following me?"

  I sat for a moment in the back of the chair. I had nothing to lose by lying. If I wanted her full cooperation, I should be utterly and totally honest. "My name is Lillian Ann cross. Three years ago I died. Three years ago I died because of that man. That man, kidnapped me and forced me into a world of pain and hate. He destroyed my life and he killed my mother. There are other people that I love and their lives are on the line as well. If I do not dispose of him, their lives will be in jeopardy. That man is nothing but pure evil, he must be put down." Being in complete control by so
meone else, that should have been their forte. Four women, prostitutes and owned by a pimp, should have known exactly what I was going through.

  The brunette smiled and nodded once again. "My name is Natalia." She stood up and placed her hands upon the shoulders of each girl as she introduced them. Going from right to left. "This is Dossa, Camille and Carver."

  I turned my head to the corner of the room and pointed. "And who is that?" It was a little head covered in straight brown hair. The body, with the exception of the top of the head was mostly hidden behind the couch.

  Natalia left my gaze and looked into the corner. "Dava, it's okay, you can come out."

  What I saw was a young girl. She was tiny and fragile. She had light brown eyes and long brown hair that past her shoulders. She reminded me of younger version of Paige. "Is she somebody's sister?"

  The room remained silent. All I received was head shaking. She was young and perplexed, I asked, "so where did she come from?"

  Natalia was hesitant, but she finally answered. "Our pimp, Tech, bought her from her mother."

  I slowly released my breath. My eyes widened and my jaw dropped.

  "Her mother was a homeless woman, who was starving and couldn't afford to feed her and her daughter. So, thinking it would help, she sold her to Tech for $500."

  It wasn't unheard-of. People had to survive and in such circumstances had to do terrible things. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes exhaled. A sweet, impressionable young child, sold to such trash. He probably talked a good game to her mother, saying that he'd look out for her, keep her safe. But I knew this type. And even though I didn't want to know, I had to know. The next set of questions were short, only because she was in the room. But I had to know. "Has he ever?"

  "Yes."

  "Has he used her for?"

  "Yes."

  Now is was time for the toughest question. I could feel my anger boiling up in my body such as a cauldron. With every question I asked and every yes that I received, I regretted with every bone in my body, that I did not kill him. "How old was she, and how old is she now?"

  "6 and 8."

  I shook my head, disgusted.

  "What you did to him tonight, he is going to come back. He's going to punish me, us. Her?" Natalia's, eyes widened and filled with fear. It seemed that she was the head of household. She looked after her girls.

  It was time to talk business. I stood up and reached my hand into my pants. I pulled out the wad of money that I had taken from my mother savings can. I threw the money onto the table.

  Carver's eyes lit up at the stash. "Nice, that's a new place." Her blonde hair was up in a French braid. She wore brown eyes and spoke with an Australian accent.

  The four girls looked at the money on the table and then looked at me. "Its $1500, it's all I have. Natalia, when you go see Paul again, I shall remain in tow. When would you expect to see him?"

  Her mouth dropped open. "Ahhh, tomorrow night, I think."

  "Are you sure?"

  "Yes."

  "Good. Take the money and get the hell out of town. Get packed tomorrow and get ready to go."

  Camille who had remained silent the whole night, finally spoke up. "And what if Tech comes back?"

  "Well, then he will have to deal with me."

  Camille was not quite satisfied with the answer. "How is that possible? You can barely stand as it is."

  As I looked at the girls from face-to-face, Carver nodded as well as Natalia. "She's right. You barely have energy to do anything." Said Natalia.

  "Trust me, when the time comes, I will jump to action and do what I must. Natalia, tomorrow before you rendezvous, let's discuss the plans. And as for the four of you, take this $1500. I know it is not a lot, but you have a young girl. Get out of here, take her with you and find something else to do. Keep the young-in safe. Promise me that. She has no one but you four. Give her a life. And start yours over, okay?"

  The four young ladies nodded together and in unison.

  I smiled and blinked. "See? Fate plays silly games with us. I am in your life for a reason, as well as you are in my life for reason." I could feel the bottom of my back burning. My eyes were on fire as well. It had to have been the extreme early-morning, but either way I needed sleep. I rose from my chair and stretched. "Now, who's ready for bed?"

  As everyone dispersed and disappeared into their rooms, I remained to myself in the living room. Of course, with my new silent visitor, little Dava. As I sat on the couch and got ready to sprawl myself out, I looked at her, hunched up and tucked close to her knees, sitting in the armchair. Through the blanket of darkness, I smiled. "Do you want the couch?" I asked.

  Saying nothing, she just shook her head.

  I had no idea what she was going through. She was young. I had only experienced it later on in my life. But for some reason I was there and so was she. With whatever comfort I could provide, I tried to do so. "Dava, I know this is not much coming from a complete stranger, but I want to help. I want you to know, though my stay will be short, I won't let anybody hurt you. As soon as tomorrow night comes, you'll be on your way to a better life." I shook my head and laughed at myself. For the next sentence that came out of my mouth, was a sentence that my first boss spoke to me. He was old and wise and everything that he said stuck with me. So I smiled as I said it, because it gave me great pleasure to say. Only because I knew it to be true, only if you stuck with its value. "Wise man once said, you do not have to be a product of your environment. With every hard lesson learned, is a new door opened. No door shall ever be remained closed. Take every lesson and use it as a purpose to fight harder. Live, young one." It was a cold sentence as soon as I was done. And even though she said nothing, I hoped the words meant something, because I meant every word that I said.

  With Dava being my dream catcher for the night, I laid myself down. Finally, on a warm couch and without the extremities of a cold night penetrating into my body, I could close my eyes surrounded in artificial warmth. Even though I slept, I tried to sleep with one eye open. In my current condition, it was prohibiting me to do so. Either way, the darkness of night achieved its friendship by covering me.

  To keep myself in slumbered bliss, I'd Dream of Paige. Her warm hands around me, her heart beat pressed against mine. I missed her so much. An incredible hole was digging deep inside of me without her. The only time I felt comfort, was when I dreamt of her, and it was difficult to dream of her when all I could do was focus on the pain that was surging through my body.

  I heard voices. I heard screaming. As I tried very hard to slowly roll open my eyes, I caught a glimpse of a blurred face, hands around my neck. Startled, I took my hands and wrapped them around the arms of my attacker. Swallowing hard, I transferred the pressure to my fingers and began to dig with my nails. As I heard a female cry of pain, I blinked hard removing the film from my eyes and realized that I was hurting Carver. I pulled back my hands quickly. I shook my head. "I'm so sorry?"

  Carver raised her right fist and planted a hard one across my face. "Wake the Fuck up, he's back!" She pointed over the couch and towards the door where I heard the scuffling.

  I raised my head and looked. Sure enough, Tech had Natalia in a choke hold. The adrenaline surged and the heat began to boil my anger. He didn't see me, but I chucked myself high over the side of the couch and bolted for him. He didn't even get a chance. As soon as he saw me, he threw Natalia from his grips and went for the gun that rested in his pants. He couldn't even pull it halfway out before I was on him. With my speed and with what little weight I had, I rammed him.

  We jetted out past the the door, into the hall and I slammed his back into the wall. We were both struggling for the gun and still it remained halfway hidden in his jeans. My smaller fingers found their way to the trigger guard and onto the trigger. I pulled it, shooting one round into the only thing that he described himself as being a man. His face turned white and slid down, falling to his butt and quickly removing his grip from the gun.

  As h
e gripped both hands firmly upon his groin area, I knelt down, with one foot firmly planted on the right side of his body and my other leg, extending out to the left. I took the gun and shoved it into his mouth, leaning in closely so that I could whisper in his ear. "Now, you listen to me, you waste of human meat. I do not like you at all. You treat women like Shit. But the thing that takes my cake, is that there is a little girl in there and without remorse or second thought, you have used her to your disgusting and vial disposal." Out of anger, I gritted my teeth and shoved the gun further into his groin, feeling satisfaction as he cried out in girlish pain. I moved in towards his ear again. My teeth were gritted and through my sheer anger, my voice dropped an octave lower and I almost growled as I spoke to him. "Now you listen to me you little fuck. If I didn't have anything important to do tonight, I swear to God I will pull this trigger and blast off the other side of your pathetic ball sac. I would then watch you, with pure satisfaction, as your life slowly faded away one ounce at the time through your pathetic opened up go-nads."

  I began to laugh a menacing laugh as tears rolled out of his eyes. At least I had caught his attention. I grabbed his shirt and pulled his face close to mine, for-heads touching. "Now you know what it feels like to be beaten. Now you know what it feels like to be on the other end of the gun. And if your balls weren't shot to fucking hell, I would almost say that you pissed yourself as well."

  My transaction was done. My point was made. I rose quickly, gun still pointed at his face, and grabbed his right ear and pulled. He protested, but obediently followed as I dug my sharp nails into the back of his ear. As we reached the staircase, I released his ear and pushed him as hard as I could down the stairs. As he rolled down, I waved. "Adios, fuck ass!" I stood there for a moment, realizing what I had done, but had absolutely no regrets.

  There was clapping. I backed up a few steps from the foot of the stairs. Wide-eyed, I turned to my right following the clapping. There was an old woman who had come out of her room. She was wearing a red robe, hair rollers, and wrinkled to oblivion. But she was happy and smiling. She gave me a wink and said, "thank you, young man. That piece of shit has been terrorizing this complex forever. Finally, we can all sleep better tonight knowing that you have taken out the trash."

  I blinked smiling and shook my head. I looked the gun that I was holding. I turned back to the room with the girls, all five of them were waiting at the door. They were amazed but still filled with fear of what I had done.

  Natalia came up, questioning. "What happens if he comes back?"

  As she said it, I took a few steps into the room and collapsed to my knees. A lot had been taken out of me and the pain was becoming unbearable. I knelt for a moment, trying to gather my breath, my thoughts. I lifted the gun up over my head. "If he comes back, shoot him. Tell the police it was self-defense." Receiving help from the women, I was lifted to my feet. Taking a few steps, I stumbled back to the kitchen table and sat in the chair. I took a few deep breaths, trying to slow down my racing heart.

  Natalia sat at the table next to me. She folded her arms and carefully watched my deteriorating condition. "Seriously, what is wrong with you?"

  I smiled, swallowing hard. "I'm dying."

  "From what?"

  I swallowed again, shaking my head. "A broken heart." Questions, questions, questions. When shall they ever end? I realized my situation was somewhat un-normal, but explaining to people what I had truly been through, was just out of the question. Not unless they were Dumont. But Dumont wasn't here, so I had nothing real to say. "Does anybody have any painkillers in the house?" I asked.

  The girls scurried about and disappeared. Soon enough they emerged with a cocktail of drugs that they lined up on the table. I looked about, doing little grocery shopping. I picked up some OxyContin and swallowed them whole. I then looked at Natalia, with one eye halfway shut and the other wide open. "What time are you meeting with Mr. Rogers?"

  The plan was set and agreed upon. As the girls rushed about, packing and getting ready to leave their life in Phoenix Arizona, I sat at the table, weak. I had eaten what I could, only to keep up my energy, but I could feel my body shutting down. While sitting at the table, I was in and out of consciousness. I watched the sunlight as is it glared through the curtains of the room, cascading all the way across. And as the day had turned into night, I became anxious. Natalia was to call the land-line and let me know when Paul Bishop contacted her for their rendezvous.

  As all the women had left to do their jobs and to collect their money, I was left to myself. Well, little Dava was about, but she hid most the time. It wasn't until later in the evening that little Dava slowly approached me, with a tiny token in hand.

  I tilted my head and accepted the gift. It was a bracelet. A friendship bracelet, colored with green, blue and pink. I smiled and asked, "what's this for?"

  She looked at me, her little eyes glowing and her long brown hair flowing. "Thank you for making the bad man go away." She said.

  I smiled as I put the bracelet onto my wrist. "I will never take it off. I love it. What do the colors mean?" I asked.

  Dava smiled as she pointed at each one, giving explanation. "The green is for honor. You are filled with pain, but serve a great purpose of honor. The blue, that is for loyalty. You are loyal to one, but expand your loyalty to others."

  And at the pink?"

  Dava smiled and nodded her head. "The pink is for love. Love is what keeps you going. Love is what keeps your heart pure. If it wasn't for your love, you would not have gotten this far. In the end, you shall be reunited."

  A chill rode up my back. I hoped she was right. If I could see Paige again, well, I would do anything to do so. "Thank you. I will never take it off, I promise. It will be a reminder, for me, to make sure I'm a good girl." I replied smiling.

  I continued to rest at the table, admiring my new bracelet and waiting for the phone call. When I felt the fiery spasms of pain retch up my back once again, I popped two Vicodin. I had to numb myself as much as possible, for I knew the end was finally near. As I began to drift off, and darkness clouded, the phone rang.

  I took a deep breath and my eyes widened. I knew it was the call. I hesitated momentarily, but I picked up the receiver and answered. "Yeah?'

  "In an hour... Meet us at the same place."

  "Gotcha"

  I put down the phone and slowly rose to my feet. Wobbling and completely disheveled, I walked to the couch and threw on my hoodie and my mother's leather jacket. It was finally game time. I was nearing the end of my journey. I sat on the couch for a few more moments trying to gather my composure. I had an hour and my destination was not too far off, but I knew I needed the whole hour to get out there. Dava was nowhere to be seen and I did not wish to be nosy by looking in the rooms for her, so I wished her farewell as left out the door.

  I struggled the whole way. I cursed at myself. I needed each and every structure and building to hold me up to keep me going. I was burning up, my body was melting. The need to reach an end was fueling my heart which continued to go. When I finally reached the other side of the dark alley, my heart was pounding.

  I could hear voices at the end of it. I knew exactly who they belonged to. I walked slowly and slanted, leaning, dragging myself as I used the brick wall for support. As I came up with the two insight, I cleared my throat loudly. On cue, Natalia stopped what she was doing and casually walked away leaving Paul Bishop, his pants down and vulnerable.

  Before he could react and pull his pants back up, I slowly emerged from the darkness, face, wicked. I took a breath and loudly I spoke, "good evening to you sir."

  From a distance, underneath the faint glow of a single alley light, I could barely make out his facial expression as it went from pleasure to fear in a manner of seconds. And even though I knew he could not see my face, I knew he recognized my voice. The pleasure I was feeling was unimaginable. I was making a grown billion-dollar man shake in his undies, so to say, and at the moment, he wasn't wearing any. />
  "Who, who is there?" He asked, voice riddled with fear, knowing, but not wanting to know.

  I knew he knew who I was. And just before he could pull his pants up to make himself a little bit more comfortable, I took the three big steps, revealing myself underneath the streetlight. "Ah, ah, ahhhh..." I said as I extended my right arm and waved my index finger about, menacingly. The piece of shit was in my court now. He was protected by no one. It was just him and I. It had been months that I dreamt about this moment, hell, I had dreamt of this moment since I met the guy, but my appetites for destruction, his demise became even more so after what he had told me. Because of his own drunken bigmouth, his death by me would be even more gruesome.

  I didn't make the big bucks and I was not the boss of my own company, but I was finally calling the shots. "You have two choices guy. Either you pull up your pants, go for your gun, but have my hands around your neck before you do, or, you can go for your gun, plug me a few times before I get there. But in this scenario, if you don't put me down, I'll be on you like flies on a turd. I will rip off your balls and shove them in your mouth so fast, the blood you drank from your balls, will be pouring out of the empty hole where your sack used to be. Choose wisely, you stupid rich prick. The decision you make now will determine whether you go home and not fuck your wife."

  Hands by his sides, Paul Bishop stood motionless. A man that sat daily in a $1000 leather chair looking over the city and his decisions alone could change one person's life dramatically, was at my complete and utter mercy. My only problem was that he wasn't even making a move, so I decided to put the icing on the cake to get him to go. "By the way, did you know that your wife likes to be fucked hard in the ass? In fact, she let me do it with an extremely big strap on." His eyes grew big. "Oh yeah, while you were running around, sticking your doodle into dirty girls holes, I was tasting your wife, and riding her. Such a sweet piece of ass for you to neglect."

  The match was struck and fire ignited. As soon as Paul put his hand into his coat, I bolted. With every part of my body melting away and losing control, I tried my best to move. And as Paul Bishop pulled the trigger and squeezed off two rounds, I met both of them with passion. Unfortunately for him, he didn't get me in the head. And as I reached him, I grabbed the gun from his hand and threw it to the ground.

  There was no stopping me at that point. I was in complete berserker mode. With my left hand around Paul Bishop's neck, I dug in tightly with my nails. His struggling made it difficult to remain in control, so I gave him a hard and fast headbutt. As he was dazed, I took my right hand and did exactly what I told him I would do. I reached down, grabbed and ripped off everything that made him a man. His screeching was horrendous. I had never heard anyone in my life scream in such a manner. To shut him up, I placed his manhood into his mouth, violently shoving, so I knew it made it down his throat.

  I took a few steps back. Everything was becoming difficult to do, but I just wanted to savor one last moment. Already on his knees, he began to choke off of the blood from his own sac. Becoming impatient, I hurried up the process. I put my Palm over his larynx, grabbed and ripped out his throat. I watched as he fell to his side and slowly died, bleeding out. I spat on him, throwing the bit from his throat to the side. "Burn in hell, you fucking piece of shit." I finally was at the end of my line. Hands and face were covered in blood. I backed up a few steps and leaned up against the wall, slowly sliding on to my butt. As the pain of everything began to rush up, and as the blood began to ooze from my bullet wounds, the rain came back to blanket my world. Without any more need in the world to carry on, I waited patiently for death. I wouldn't fight it. After all, I could have used a good night sleep. Without any more control of my body, my head tilted back. I was left to look at the black, purple velvet sky and to meet the drops of rain as they pleasantly fell and cooled off my overheated face. I was so tired. I needed to sleep. Before I closed my eyes for good, I caught a glimpse of one last angel, Paige.

  After seeing Paige, the darkness completely took me over. Finally I was peaceful without pain. But I never saw a light. I only felt and saw darkness. The last thing that I heard was the rain pattering on the concrete.

  Even though I had completed what I wanted to complete, absolution was never given. And as I swirled around, hovering in a world of darkness with zero gravity, all I could think of was the bloodshed. I didn't think death would be so unsure. And as I finally felt myself, reaching for the stars and climbing, my world was struck down by a fierce and shocking pain. A pain which was indescribable. A pain that I had never felt before. It was a fierce burning sensation. And as I thought I was finally reaching for the outskirts of the universe, I was brought back once again into the pit of darkness. To me, it was a waiting room for the damned.