by Perry Matlin
Stay Beautiful
Lost in Love
Book One
Written by
Perry T. Matlin
PART I
A PLACE IN THIS WORLD
Preface
Life can be very good. It can surprise you with every beautiful day, and it can put a permanent smile on your face when you think of all your blessings. It can be a warm encouraging hug, or the feeling of holding someone’s hand for the first time. I can tell you firsthand that life can be unimaginably amazing. I’ve felt it. I’ve known what it’s like to have sunshine for days. I used to have that. Or did I? The thought occurs to me then, was it too good to be true? It feels like a dream now it’s over. Sometimes, I wonder if it was all some lie that my mind convinced me was reality. Maybe I imagined it all, every kiss, every word, and every beautiful detail I can’t get out of my head now that it’s over. Maybe I’m crazy, and he was some elaborate hallucination. Created subconsciously just to break me completely when I least expected it. Maybe my mind made it all up as some twisted form of self-sabotage. I know better though. I know that no pain this strong could be imaginary. Nothing this hard could be fabricated. No brain could create this agony, this madness.
I look around the crowded cafeteria, as it fills with sleepy students. My music drowns out the noise, so I’m left alone, unnoticed in the corner off in my own shadowed nightmare. Tears slip down my cheek, as the lyrics claim me. The words are like the long, jagged claws of some half-forgotten monster from my past. It feels familiar, but distant. Like this feeling, this sadness has always been a part of me. It’s been buried deep within, smothered under my temporary happiness, long forgotten, but not dead. No, it wasn’t defeated, it was just resting for a while, biding its time. Waiting for the right moment to pounce, to drag me back into the shattered expanse of my broken heart.
I try to remember that I should be thankful for the time I was given. I got to be a part of something that was unmatched. Something, nobody could hold a candle to. We shined so bright, we were so big, so epic. Maybe that’s why it ended so badly. I’ve always read that the brightest stars have the shortest lives. They burn so bright that the gas inside them runs out faster than others. They cannot sustain the brightness. They fizzle out, long before those that are modest. Maybe we were too bright, too epic. We couldn’t sustain something so huge. I try to remember that I never deserved to be that happy in the first place, I try to make myself believe it. I do believe it, but it doesn’t help the gaping hole in my chest. The song fades away, just as the bell rings. I struggle to my feet, and stumble toward the door.
Like I said, life can be really good, but in some ways, I wish it hadn’t been so good. Before all of this, I was fine. I wasn’t falling apart, and I wasn’t missing someone more than I thought possible. I wasn’t looking back at every conversation, searching for the moment when it faded, when the love I knew he had; died. I wasn’t analyzing his eyes across every beautifully tragic memory. I try to remember the exact moment when his lips felt different, when his face changed, when he changed. Now that I’m here, thinking it through, I feel like a fool. I would have died for him, I would have done anything for a love like that, but he didn’t give a damn thing. I continue to cry, as I make my way to class.
A crazy thought crosses my mind then, I wouldn’t change a single thing. I found a love that was really something. Just because it ended, and it ended badly doesn’t lessen that fact. I found a genuine, life-changing love in my life. I won’t regret that just because life changed its mind, just because he changed his mind. Life has a way of correcting itself. It’s like people are only allowed to have so much happiness, before life comes back around, and asks for a refund. Life can be beautiful, happy, loving, complicated, messy, passionate, awe-inducing, inspiring, but most of all life can be sad. It can be darker than the darkest minute of the night. It can be darker than the darkest pair of eyes. Darker than the farthest point in the universe, where not a spark of life has ever lived. Life can be good, but also it can be really really bad.
Chapter 1
Seclusion
11 MONTHS EARLIER
Today is like any other day in Florida. I’m sitting at the lunch table with my friends. My short curly brown hair, billowing gently in the wind. My green eyes scanning the noisy cafeteria around me. My name is Lucas Cameron Jr. I am fourteen years-old, and I am happy. Life is good. I look around at my friends again, happy to finally have the freedom to sit together. We finally escaped the dreaded status of assigned seating. Coral and Christine are sitting across from me, and Max is by my side. We’re talking about some Michael Jackson song, except I’m not really into his music. I just sit there, enjoying the company of my closest friends. Coral is leaning toward Christine, subconsciously longing for her. She’s been totally into her ever since Christine popped up in our fourth period back in January. I’m not sure if Coral is just into her because of the whole new kid paradox she’s always clung to, or if the selection in our school is just that desolate. Coral usually never makes a habit of falling for straight girls.
I take in the appearances of my friends. Coral has dark green eyes, nearly forest green. They are hidden behind her coke bottle glasses. She has long dirty-blonde hair, flowing freely in slight curls all the way down to her waist. She has a bulky frame, modestly hidden beneath her black trip pants, her black Donkey Kong shirt, and the thin black jacket she wears every day.
Christine is looking out at the tables behind me, her brown eyes out of focus. She has short black hair, gelled into tiny spikes. Her face is pale, covered with freckles, and quite angular. Her frame is thin, a petite girl with a kind face. She’s wearing a small summer-dress. It is black with lavender colored vertical stripes.
Finally, I look at Max. He’s looking directly at me. His overgrown brown hair spilling freely onto his forehead. He has blue eyes, the color of sapphire. His face is also speckled with freckles. Max is small in body, much like Christine. He is shorter than me. He’s wearing pair of grey silky gym shorts, along with his Atlanta Falcons jersey.
Max has his hand under the table, and the best part of it all. I’m holding that hand. We’ve been together secretly for eight months now. My first serious relationship, as well as my first same-sex relationship. We always hold hands under the table, not because we’re embarrassed to be with each other, but because we live in a really conservative part of the country, and none of our families would support our truths. I go over all the reasons in my head again. Why can’t we just come out, and deal with the consequences? The most alluring reason is the fact that our parents have no idea right now, so we get to spend the night with each other.
The bell rings, and Max drops my hand. I smile at him, as he waves goodbye. He hurries off to his own class, as we make our way from the cafeteria. Coral and Christine are a couple paces ahead of me, but I don’t mind. The sun is shining, I’m in love, and everything is so good. It’s so refreshing to finally find where you belong. Everyone has a place in this world. Everyone belongs somewhere, but the trouble is finding the place where you fit. The hard part is knowing when it’s right. You can’t force yourself into a place where you don’t fit. It’s like putting a puzzle together. You may think the piece in your hand fits, but if you have to force it, you have the wrong piece.
I zone out the rest of the day, daydreaming about going to Max’s house after school. His older brother is picking us up and taking us to eat. Then we’re supposed to spend the night at his house, and head to the mall tomorrow. It’s going to be a great weekend. Every weekend is great with Max though. Finally, it’s almost time for school to end. My Language Arts class seems to be dragging today. We’re reading a book about World War II, and our teacher has a painfully monotoned voice. I can feel my head sl
ipping every few minutes. My friend Madi is bouncing her leg beside me, and I can feel the entire table we share vibrating from it.
When the bell finally rings, Madi and I race from the room. We walk down the long hallway, until it intersects with the ramp leading to the pickup line of our school. Standing at the left side of the ramp, we wait for our rides. I’m searching the crowded place for him, for Max. Madi notices me looking, and smiles knowingly. I haven’t come out to too many people, but she was one of the first. We’ve been close since she moved here from Germany. She’s one of my most loyal, most treasured friends. She knows all about Max and me. Madi turns her head to face me, her brunette curls bouncing in her kind, tan face. Her brown eyes alight with love. She easily sweeps the hair from her face.
“You’re spending the weekend at Lover boy’s house?” she asks me, making a kissy face to tease me. I blush, and nod. I’m still searching the crowd for him, as I reply to her under my breath. Still blushing at her comment.
“Yes, until Saturday afternoon, if you must know Madison” I use her full name, as a means to portray my mock irritation at her words. She catches my tone and raises her eyebrows dramatically. Our banter is my favorite part of our friendship, other than the fact that she’s the best person I know. Max comes into view then, and I smile at him. He sees me from the other side of the ramp and flashes his own smile. I swoon.
Giving Madi a quick hug, I run off to meet Max by the railing. We stand there and wait for his brother to pull up. When he does, we make a dash into the car. The air conditioning is on full blast, and it’s freezing. I put my backpack on my lap and hug it for warmth. Greyson doesn’t give us a second glance, when we both sit in the backseat, instead of one of us taking the front seat. He’s used to it. I look up at him, as he pulls from the school parking lot. He’s wearing a white hat, hiding most of his blonde hair. The very edges are visible. He has a kind face, lots of acne, and blue eyes that are identical to Max’s. They are slightly similar in appearance.
I acknowledge the differences and similarities between the two brothers. They may have the same facial features and identical eyes, but that may be the end of the similarities. Max is short, with brown hair, and clear skin. Greyson is over six-foot-tall, bleach blonde hair and has always suffered from skin problems. I notice Greyson looking at me through the mirror, so I look away from him. We pull into the parking lot of Sonic then, and I sit up to study the menu. Max knows exactly what he wants, but I take a couple minutes. When we finally get our orders, Max devours his. He has such a huge appetite for someone so small.
Greyson gets a phone call, as we’re still eating, so he steps out of the car and answers it. Max looks at me, as he puts the trash from his meal in the paper bag. I take one last bite, unable to finish my food. Max takes the trash for me and fills the bag with it. Then he turns in his seat to look at me. I look around to see that Greyson is inside the store. I turn back, and find that Max has leaned in. He places his lips to mine, and I kiss him back eagerly. We stay there in that moment, kissing in the middle of a busy store parking lot. He kisses me deeper, his mouth finding mine with fervor. We finally break apart, when someone closes a car door near us. I’m slightly out of breath.
Greyson comes back a couple minutes later, but he doesn’t notice that underneath our backpacks, we are holding hands. We hold hands the whole way to Max’s house. He looks at me, smiling deviously. We have our little tricks to be together in plain sight. I mentally paint a picture of the day we finally get to be together with no tricks. We’ve decided to wait for Junior year. We’re going to come out to our families when we are both seventeen. For him it will be December, for me it’ll be March. We plan on coming out at school earlier than that. It’ll have to be an organized thing though because we both have siblings that will be at the high school with us. We finally pull into Max’s garage, and Greyson turns the car off. He races inside, saying something about his girlfriend Wendy. We’re left alone in the garage. I resist the urge to kiss him again, as we make our way inside. I’m beaming, as we walk into the kitchen.
For once, both of his parents are home at the same time. I know they’ve been having issues with their marriage, but I rarely see them together. They don’t seem to notice us at first because they go on with their argument. I feel uncomfortable immediately.
“Jenna, you have to understand that. You’re being ridiculous.” He exclaims, his arms flying all about passionately. Max’s mom is red-faced, and her face is a mask of anger, as she retorts right back.
“Tim, you promised. You promised last time would be it. You swore we’d never have to move again” she nearly screams. They seem to notice us then. Max’s dad looks at us at the same instant I realize what she just said. They’re moving. I feel my smile falter, as Tim seems to find his own. He walks over to us and pats me on the shoulder.
“Hi there Luke!” he says, turning to his son. I can see the forced smile on his face. It seems to strain him.
“I’m afraid you won’t be able to stay the night tonight. We have some stuff going on, but I’ll drive you home in a little while. You guys can hang out until then if you want” he explains, and I feel my world starting to cave in from the inside out.
“We’ll be up in my room I guess” Max says. I follow him wordlessly, as we make our way away from the scene. They begin to argue again, as we make it to the stairs, but their words are indistinguishable Max slams his door behind us and whips around to face me. I can see the same worry in his eyes, but he smiles then, and I look at him questioningly. What has gotten into him?
“We’re probably just moving to base or something. My dad is on assignment, so I doubt we’re moving too far away.
I honestly don’t think we have anything to worry about” he explains, and I do feel better. That’s when he pulls me close to him, moving his hand behind him to lock the door. He pulls me in and places his lips to my ear softly.
“It’s going to be okay Luke” he whispers, before trailing kisses up my jawline. I close my eyes, trying to believe the words. Trying to hope. A spark of it bursts into existence. I kiss him back then. I kiss Max happily because everything has to work out right? I’m way too happy for it to all fall apart. God wouldn’t give all of this to me, just to take it back would he? In my mind, everything will work out because what’s the alternative? I shudder inwardly. Max pulls back and looks into my eyes with a loving gleam in his. That’s when I remember that our kissing time is limited. I pull him by the hand, and over to the small window bench in his room.
Max sinks down onto the cushion, and I sit on his lap. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I begin to kiss him again. He smiles, as I push him gently against the wall. His hands come up to touch my face, and then one begins winding through my hair. I close my eyes again and put my entire soul into the kiss. I’m going to get my time’s worth of the little we may have left. Max seems to sense my goal, so he pushes me off of him. Standing with me, he then kisses me more gently. Backing me into his wall, he takes control. Kissing my neck, then back to my lips. I can smell him all around me. He has a pine-like scent. It’s so mesmerizing.
A knock at the door causes us to jump apart. Max crosses the room to unlock it quickly, and his mom comes in. She looks at me, and her eyes are sad, as she crosses over to sit on the bed. I know what she’s about to say, before she even opens her hope distinguishing mouth.
“We’re moving next month Max” she says simply, and I can tell by the sadness in her voice that it isn’t just to base. I remember that she never wanted to move again. She wanted to stay in the area with her parents. She wanted to take care of them, and her husband had made a promise to her, which was now broken by the look on her face.
“Where now?” Max asks his mom, coming to stand beside me at the window booth. I can tell by his voice that he realizes the bad news as well. His voice is guarded, and flat.
“South Carolina. Your dad is being transferred there” she says. I wonder silently if his dad had done something wrong agai
n.
He’s apparently vital to his field in the military, and one of the only people in the country qualified for the position, but he has a problem with sexual assault cases. He’s been transferred three times that I know of. They won’t fire him because of his importance, but they have to move him each time. My dislike for Max’s dad grows in the moment.
An hour later, I’m sliding out of the car. My house looms before me. An unwelcome change of plans. I was going to have such a good weekend, and now I have to deal with him. My mom’s husband is unkind to put it lightly. His name is Antonio. They’ve been together for six years now, and he is the worst thing to ever happen to us. I walk up the porch steps, passing my sister’s bike on the sidewalk. Walking right past it all, I head into what could very well be world war III. They’ve been fighting really bad lately. Mom thinks he’s been sleeping around, so she freaks out, then he gets abusive. It’s an endless cycle around here.
Except it’s not. Everything is silent. I walk through the living room, surprised at the peace. Following down the hallway, I find my mom’s door open. I immediately recognize my Nana’s voice and tilt my head with confusion.
“Nana what are you doing here?” I demand coming happily into the room. Her red hair is pulled back into a sloppy bun, but she flashes me a smile from the bed where she’s sitting with my mom.
“Antonio left. He took all his stuff with him about an hour ago” she says patiently. She always gives me the information I need. She’s never treated me like a kid, which is one thing I love about her.
I cross the room, surprised for once. I was expecting a lot of things, but not that. I know inside that this is the best news in the world for us, but that doesn’t help my mom. She’s probably hurting so bad right now.
“He just left?” I ask, my voice barely higher than a whisper. Can this really be happening? When nobody answers me, and my mom just continues to cry, I get up and move into my own room. Could he be gone for good? I don’t dare hope.