by Perry Matlin
Closing the door behind me, I sink to the floor and begin to cry over my own loss of love. Max is moving in three weeks. How can this be happening? I close my eyes and press the heels of my hands to my eyes. I have a headache. My hands feel cool to my face. It soothes the headache slightly. What the hell is happening today?
Chapter 2
Retaliation
I sit on the edge of Max’s bed, as he fills yet another box up with what seems like an unlimited amount of clothing. I close my eyes again. This has been a rough few days. My mom has been in such a funk since Antonio left her. She’s started to call out of work at the nursing home. She’s been lying on the couch all day, crying her eyes out. It’s been a pretty depressing environment. Alyssa and Crystal have hardly been home, so it’s been Nana, my mom, and me. I’m finally getting to see Max today, so I’ve been soaking up every minute we get to spend together before he leaves me. I open my eyes again, turning to face him.
He’s staring at me with a sad expression. I can tell he witnessed my lapse in composure. I wonder how miserable my face looks to him. How pathetic am I? He’s the one having to move hundreds of miles away and uproot his life. I’m over here making it all about me.
“Are you gonna be okay Luke?” he asks me, leaving the pile of clothes behind to cross his room to sit on the bed with me. I look down, trying to grab ahold of the composure I built up before coming over. I want him to know that he can count on me to lean on. I don’t want him to feel like he has to support me every time something goes wrong, when he deserves the support sometimes too.
“Yeah, just a little sad. It’ll be okay though” I tell him, daring myself to believe it, begging internally for the words to come true. I want more than anything for it to be okay. A part of me knows consciously that it will. We’re meant to be. We are perfect together, and geography isn’t enough to alter what we have. We’ll have Christmases, spring breaks, and summer vacation. We’ll hardly have time to miss each other to be honest.
“I know it will Luke” he tells me, before taking my hand. We sit on the edge of his bed, our hands entwined, our love moving through some invisible connection. Greyson walks into the open door then.
“I knew it. I freaking knew it” he gasps, seeing our hands bound together. Max looks up, unable to think of a way out, he just turns back to me, and his head rests on my shoulder. I see a small smile flash across his face, as his brother sits on the window seat.
“How long?” Greyson asks us simply, playing with a football. I recognize it as the one Max had been so excited to receive for Christmas. It’s signed by some famous quarterback. Greyson tosses it playfully over to Max. He catches it instinctively, before chucking it into a box. Max stands up then, nervously pacing the room.
“Since October I guess” he answers, his voice thick with sadness. It sounds like he’s about to cry. Greyson seems to sense it because he moves to his feet in an instance. He wraps his little brother into a tight hug and lifts him a couple inches off the ground. I smile at the scene laid out before me. It’s heartwarming to see such a close sibling relationship.
“Wow, and you were able to keep that secret all this time?” he asks. When Max doesn’t answer, Greyson continues.
“Well, I’m definitely okay with it, but that sucks we have to move man” he offers, before getting to his original point of coming in.
“Mom said I have to take Luke home, so I came to get you guys” he says, frowning at me.
We pull out of the driveway, as Greyson turns the music up all the way. Gwen Stefani blares from the radio, and Max laughs in spite of the situation. He turns to me, and mouths three words. Three words that somehow mean everything to me. Max pulls out his phone, and texts his mom to see if he can stay over at my house. He’s never stayed with me. He’s never even seen my room. We don’t have to wait long for a response. She tells him as long as he’s back by Sunday, he can stay the weekend.
“What about clothes though?” I ask him, and he smiles sheepishly at me. I look down to follow his gaze and see that he smuggled a small bag of clothes with him. Why didn’t he ask me first? Did he think I’d say no?
Once we’ve cleared it with everyone, explained the details to Greyson, and escaped from the car, I lead the way up my driveway. The carport is empty, as we take our shoes off and head inside. Nana is sitting at the table, her mirror in front of her, as she does her grooming.
“Hey Nana, Max is staying the weekend” I tell her, before heading right over to kiss her on the cheek. She looks Max up and down, her dark red hair pulled back tightly, before flashing him her adorable Nana smile. We head from the kitchen then, right down the hallway. I’m trying to avoid the living room because I know that’s where my mom will be. I close the door behind us.
“Nice room” he says, when we’re finally alone. I watch as if in slow-motion he drops his bag on my bed. This feels like a completely different world. He crosses the room, and cups my face, as he kisses me. I take in his touch. His scent is nice. Like pine.
We continue to kiss, trying to keep it low volume, as we make our way to my bed. I look back before falling onto it. Awkwardly moving his bag from behind me, I lay back. Max leans down over me and kisses me again.
My bed gives an audible squeak, as he lowers his full weight onto the bed with me. I look around, waiting for an interruption, but none come. I reach over and turn my stereo on. The music fills the room, and he smiles at me meaningfully.
Max gives a bemused scrunch of his nose, when he registers the country music playing, but I lean up and kiss him again. He seems to tune it out then. Once again, we’re back to the task at hand. It’s just us. We’re alone together.
I reach up, running my hand through his hair, as he kisses me more deeply. A thought is born then. We’ve never been so alone before, so intimate. I reach up, and grab a handful of his shirt, and messily lift it over his head. One of his arms gets stuck, but he removes it, and then continues kissing me.
We kiss until I’m dizzy. Until we’re both out of breath. Our hands wandering the distance between us. We kiss until the album ends, and then we collapse beside each other and stare up at the ceiling.
My mom knocks on the door then, and Max hurries to throw his shirt on, as I cross the room to answer the door. I can tell that she’s been crying. Her green eyes are red, her face is blotchy. She looks a mess. Her thick, curly black hair hangs in unkempt clumps around her unusually pale face.
“Nana is making chicken noodle soup for dinner, is your friend staying the night?” she asks me. Her voice is hollow, weak. Like she’s straining to use it now. I can smell the cigarettes on her breath.
“Yeah, we’ll be out in a minute” I tell her, and she closes the door. Max looks up at me, sorrow in his eyes. We sit there on the edge of my bed for a minute, and then we head out to the dinner table.
That night, we lie in bed. My door is locked, so we don’t hide. We cuddle. His arms so warm against my skin. My head rests gently on his bare chest, as I listen to his heartbeat. I feel separate, like we don’t belong to the real world. I eventually fall asleep, both of us wrapped up, tangled together in the sheets.
The next day, Nana drives us to school. She had to go somewhere, so we get dropped off nearly an hour too early. We decide to walk down the street to the café. I follow Max in, as he finds a table for us.
We sit there, quiet. He’s not a morning person, and I feel too haunted for a conversation. While I was getting ready for school, I could hear my mom crying over Antonio again. He has been flaunting his new girlfriend around our small town.
An hour later, he grips my pinky behind our backpack and then heads off to his own class. Coral is sitting in her normal seat, as I make it to first period right in time. I turn to her, but she doesn’t look up.
“Hey. Are you okay?” I ask her. I was hoping she’d be in a good mood today. I really needed someone to vent to. Last night should have been amazing. That was the most Max and I have ever done together. We made out for like tw
enty minutes.
“Coral, what’s wrong?” I try again. I see her head move slightly, like she wants to look up, but she clenches her fists, and continues to trace the vines on the edge of her page.
The bell rings then, and I’m forced to turn around. I look down at my desk, wondering what is going on. I’m not sure what’s happening, but I have a really bad feeling about today. Something is off. Really off. What could it be? What is her issue?
When class finally ends, I’ve worked up the courage to try again with Coral. I follow her closely, and right before we reach our shared second period, I reach out to touch her shoulder gently. She whips around angrily, her cheeks flushed with the foreign emotion.
“Don’t touch me. Don’t ever touch me” she screams, spit flying from her lip, as she towers over me. I jump back, not expecting her reaction. I look into her clear green eyes, her slightly curled dirty-blonde hair flying all around, and my stomach drops. I’m the problem here. It’s personal for her.
“What did I do?” I ask her. I’m genuinely curious because I haven’t done anything to warrant this treatment. Have I?
“I’ve never really liked you. You’re annoying, and I’m sick of pretending to be your friend” she spits out, as the class begins to gather around. I feel the breath leave me, as a hurt gasp escapes my lips. My eyes sting. People are staring at us now. I’m aware as the eyes peer into our confrontation. Where is this coming from?
“Coral, that’s ridiculous. You didn’t pretend to be my friend the last two years” I try to tell her, but her ruthless grin says it all. She curls her lip at me in disgust. Then turns around to leave, but I call after her.
“Why now?” I demand. My voice sounds stronger, colder. She doesn’t turn around, as she holds the door for me. She mutters something under her breath that sounds suspiciously like Christine thinks…
I smile then. Christine. That’s the issue here. The other day, they had informed me that they were now a couple. I was ecstatic for them, but the following day, Christine began to treat me different, colder, more distant. Now this is happening? How convenient.
“Is that so?” I ask her, as we sit down in our assigned seats. She doesn’t look up again, but she’s fidgeting with her fingers, so I know she’s about to come back with something. I wait patiently. Inside, my stomach is in knots.
“Christine thinks you’re childish, and she thinks you’re holding me back” Coral tells me, and she is now glaring up at me. I return the angry stare, not giving into her intimidation tactics, as I choke back tears.
“Oh well, since Christine says it, that must make it law huh?” I demand, Christine’s name falling from my lips like some heavy weight between us. I’m trying not to show my hurt, but this is starting to feel like a lot.
“You don’t talk about her like that, or you’ll find your secrets all over the school” she warns. I blanch at the threat. How low can someone go? I blink back tears again and go to turn away from her. I’m done with her and this stupid conversation.
She digs her nails into my arm, causing me to cry out in pain, I turn back to her, and she stares me down again. I look down, avoiding the eyes that used to feel so comforting. What is her problem?
“Let go of me, before I get you suspended” I tell her. When she lets go, I whip around, and turn my back to her. I straighten my posture, and make absolutely sure that I’m not shaking, as the tears finally break free.
Later that day, Max and I jump into the car, as Nana pulls up to us on the car ramp. I scoot all the way over, hiding the bruised claw marks on my arm. They hurt pretty badly, but I can’t have anyone know what Coral did. I have this irrational urge to protect, even after everything.
“What did you boys want me to make for supper?” she asks, as we pull onto the highway. I continue staring out the window, not trusting my voice to talk. I know Max is aware of my mood. He was suspicious, when we were sent away to a new table by the death glares given to us by our friends.
We sat on the far side of the cafeteria with our friend Joseph. It was not the greatest lunch. When we pull up to the grocery store, I cross my arms. Max ends up going in with Nana to help her out. I stay behind.
I continue with my silent façade. I’m just scared that once I open my mouth, I’m going to break down in tears. I almost do, when we pull up to the house, and Antonio is in the front yard. There are two cop cars as well. What is happening?
I jump from the car and see with horror that my mom is in cuffs. I try to listen to the details, but the story is so erratic, and so weird. Apparently, she showed up over there and caused a scene at Antonio’s dad’s house. She left, but they called the cops on her. That’s just rich considering how abusive he always is to her and me. Luckily, they end up uncuffing my mom, giving her a trespassing injunction for their house, and then the cops and Antonio leave. I glare at his car, as it disappears down the street. His stupid face burned into my memory. His blonde hair is cut short, his blue eyes wide with amusement, as he takes in my mom’s theatrics. I hate that man so much.
That night after Max is called home early, and all the drama is done, I sit in my room and I cry. I cry for my mom. She loves that man so much, and he continues to hurt her in every single way he can think of.
I cry for the loss of my friends. It seems not just Coral and Christine, but our whole group as well. None of them would speak to me throughout the day. I guess I’ve been shunned or something.
I cry for Max. He’s moving in two days. He’s leaving, and after he’s gone. I will have nothing left. I went from being so happy, to having nothing to lean on for support. I’ll be all alone soon.
I wander out into the living room later that night and find my uncle Cory there. He’s standing over my mom, his face angry. He looks like they’re in the middle of an argument, so I stand back and listen to their words.
“Rebekah. You have to get it together. You have children to take care of. Grow up, and deal with it.” He’s saying. His voice is harsh, no sound of his usual humor. My mom is crying silently. Not even defending herself.
“I just miss him so m… so much Cory” she whimpers, but he isn’t having it. He throws his hands in the air and turns around. We lock gazes, and I can see that he is worried about his younger sister.
“I bought you a plane ticket back home to Kansas. I want you to take it, and you take the summer. You get better. You get over him, and you come back to take care of your kids. You have to get better for them.” He pleads, his voice sounding more broken than harsh now.
I leave them alone then. What’s going to happen to me? My mom is going to Kansas for the summer. Who will I stay with? A thought strikes me then. A crazy thought. A thought that could very well save my summer.
What if I go up to stay the summer with Max? We could have the entire summer together, and then I could deal with the distance. I could spend three months with him, and we could prepare more for the separation.
I begin to pace my room. I have to address it perfectly, if my overbearing mom is going to agree to something so big. I have to be extra convincing. I have to sell this with everything I have.
Chapter 3
Change
We stand alone, Max’s empty room before us. We came up to do one last sweep. We knew we hadn’t missed anything, but we knew this was our last chance to say goodbye in private. I kiss him, ignoring his tears and mine. This is it. He’s moving to South Carolina, and I’m spending the summer with my dad.
We tried our best to sell a summer together, but neither of our parents were for it. His parents want them to get settled in and have everything situated before they have visitors come to stay. They said maybe for Christmas break. That might as well be the end of time for us. The end of the world. My mom said absolutely not to the idea of her son going out of state without her or my dad.
We kiss once more, and then stand in the middle of the room, just holding each other. After a long break, we head back downstairs. The house is completely empty, not a piece of fur
niture left behind.
Outside, Nana waits for me, her car running. The moving truck is closed up, and the engine is running. I walk over and give his mom a hug, followed by a tight bear hug from Greyson. He whispers thank you to me, before pulling away.
Max pulls me into a more friendly hug than before, but when our skin touches, it feels the same to me. He whispers in my ear, and it causes the tears to start again. I step back, and then watch as they load into the truck.
As they pull out of the driveway, I stand rooted to the spot, watching, as Max places his hand to his lips, then he presses it to the window. I see him mouth I Love you Lucas and I lose it.
I nearly crawl into the passenger seat, as I begin to cry. Nana looks over at me, and her eyes are filled with sorrow. She knows I’ve been dealing with a lot. Too bad she doesn’t know the extent to my pain.
We head back to the house we both have to pack. Mom is leaving next week for Kansas, Nana is going back home, and I’m heading to my dad’s house for the summer. We drive wordlessly.
“You’ll make new friends baby. I promise this will hurt less as time goes by” she tells me, pulling me into a hug. I cry into her chest, as she kisses the top of my head. We sit there for a moment, before we break apart.
It’s time for everything to change now. It’s time to move forward. Max and I are still together, and we will be fine. It hurts to have to go seven months before I get to see him, but we can handle anything.
We will be together forever, and that’s all that matters. I head to my room and begin to pack everything for next week. I turn my music up and dry my face. I have true love, and that will get me through anything.
Chapter 4
Isolation