by Perry Matlin
I walk down the slope, and find myself there, exactly one minute late. Michael doesn't seem to be present. I decide to go check the secret place that we both know about now, and find it empty as well. I decide that he may be running late, just as I was. I plop down on the huge pile of rocks, and just stare out at the water. This is actually really peaceful. I decide to play on my phone for a little while. I pull out my device and begin to click through my texts. I decide to go through all of the old ones and clean my inbox out. I open the text that I have from Max. It's a different one from earlier, so I read it.
"Luke, would you please answer me? We've been friends for too long to let something stupid come between us. You are too important to me, for something like this to come between us" I almost laugh aloud because his words actually sound stupid. I turn my phone over, laying it on my lap, and closing my eyes.
I open my eyes and look around. The sun is way over from where it was, so I know it's been at least a couple hours. I look down at my phone and see that it's been four to be exact. I instantly click on Michael's name, and call him. He picks up after two rings, and I almost scream at him through the phone.
"Hey, where are you?" I demand, and he acts really confused at first, which makes it even worse.
"What are you talking about?" he asks, and I sigh with anger because I don't want to argue with him, but I'm incredibly pissed off right now.
"You told me to meet you at the bay four hours ago. I've been waiting here for four hours Michael" I say, my voice rising by the second, as I lose my temper.
"I'll be right there, I'm sorry" he says, before hanging up the phone. I squeeze my phone slightly in my hand, before releasing it. I make sure I didn't damage the phone, before putting it back in my pocket. It doesn't take him long to get there this time, and we're soon right in front of each other. I want to yell at him, but he's just so perfect. Instead, I just decide to ask him calmly.
"Where the hell were you?" I ask him, and he looks down at his feet, when he replies.
"I was with some friends, and totally forgot. I mean, I told you that we couldn't hang out today, didn't I?" he demands, and now I lose my temper.
"Yes Michael, but you also texted me out of the blue, and told me to meet you at the bay. Did you forget about that?" I say angrily. He smiles slightly, before pulling me into his arms.
"Look, I had a rough day, and it honestly slipped my mind. My mom and dad were fighting again. You know how they can be. Anyways, I have some bad news" he tells me, and I look at him. Hesitation is clear on his face. I look into his eyes and see fear there.
"What is it Michael?" I ask him, and he looks down again, but this time, he doesn't retort rudely. I can hear unshed tears in his voice, so I pull him in again for a hug. I wrap my arms comfortingly around him.
"We're moving out of my Aunt’s house. My mom and dad told me today, that we're moving out next week, so we might not get to see each other all the time anymore" he informs me, and I feel like crying right there. He senses it because he continues. "We're only moving like a mile away, so it's not going to be the end of the world, but on like rainy days, it'll be hard to get to and from" he explains. Then he pulls me into his arms. It'll be hard, but it could be worse. He could be moving hundreds of miles away. I savor the fact that I'll still get to see him a lot. I can handle rainy days without him, can't I? I drop the thoughts at that moment because he pulls me by the hand, and we sneak away into our little hidden cave. He kisses me, and I can feel the goosebumps all over my body. Best part about fighting with Michael? The kissing afterward.
Chapter 10 Humiliation
I sit there under the carport, as the heavy onslaught of rain pours down all around me. The puddles of muddy water continue to fill around me, as I wait for everything to stop. The rain doesn't bother me because it helps mask the tears running down my face. I stand up in that moment and walk out from underneath the carport. The rain feels cold against my skin; it's soothing after the humidity of the Florida summer. I look around, and out of the corner of my eye, I see his house. Well his old house. I miss him living down the street from me and being able to see him all the time. That's why I'm here pathetically crying. I'm stuck in this house alone, and now he doesn't even live close to me. I walk down the driveway, rain pouring down my already soaked body. The feeling seems to soothe me. Opening the mail box, I dig out all of the mail, before turning back to my lonely house.
I'm just walking up the side of the house, when I hear a honk behind me. I turn around to see my dad pulling into the driveway. I immediately wipe the still streaming tears from my face and turn to him completely. Cynthia, his wife is with him, and even though I'm really upset; seeing the two of them sends my entire attitude into recovery. I run down the driveway to meet them, and Cynthia rolls down her window. I’ve had her in my life ever since he and mom split up when I was four years old.
"What are you guys doing here?" I ask them, the rain still plastering my clothes to my body. Cynthia looks at me for a second, before looking away wordlessly.
"We're taking you to get some school clothes. Go get some dry clothes on and hurry up!" my dad says, his smile making me feel at home.
I run back inside, and down the hallway as fast as I can. I'm just about to my door, when my foot slips across the tile floor. I lose my footing completely and slide like I'm on a bed of ice. I try to reach for the door to the laundry room but miss by a few inches. Next thing I know, I'm looking up at the ceiling, there is a light stinging in my lower right calf. Forcing myself back to my feet, I hobble painfully into my room. I look around, before remembering why I came in here in the first place. I stride over to the towel that is draped over my chair. I immediately dry my dripping hair off, before removing my clothes. Once I've sufficiently dried off, and put new clothes on, I head to the oversized mirror on my wall. I use my fingers to brush my short hair, before slipping some shoes on. I run out the door, and right up to my dad's truck.
"So where are we going?" I ask, and my dad turns in his seat slightly, before looking at me in the rearview.
"We're going to the outlet mall" he explains, and I almost bounce in my seat. That means we're going to be passing the beach, and we're going to be eating somewhere good too. I nestle into my seat, as my dad turns up the radio to torture me with some heavy rock music. I look down at my phone. With a smile, I see that Michael texted me. I immediately text him back, and then lay my head back on the seat. We drive down the road, as the rain continues to endlessly fall down around us. I may be upset about not being able to see Michael, but at least I get to do something today, instead of just walking around in the rain while crying. This beats all of that nonsense any day. I smile to myself again, when my phone goes off.
We arrive at the bridge, and I watch as we finally get over the water. I've always loved the water, and now when the rain is disturbing the surface of the emerald waves below us, I realize all over again; why I fell in love with water in the first place. I roll my window down and stick my hand out to feel the droplets of rain run down my hand. The air is nipping at my face like the force of a helicopter's propellers. I close my eyes and remember the time we went down to the bay last week, and the weather was relative to today. We stood there just before the entrance to our secret cave, and just felt the wind whipping around us with the warmth of the summer air. It made me feel so free, so liberated for a time. Like none of the problems we had known, nor any of the problems that might arise in our future mattered. We were the only thing that mattered, and our love could conquer all.
I open my eyes, when I feel the car lurch to a stop, and peek around to see where we are. I push the beautiful image of Michael from my mind, and turn to my dad, and step-mother. I hop out of the car, and that's when I notice the slight frost to the whipping wind around us. Looking around at the dozens of stores lined up side by side. All the shoes, and all of the clothes. I take the moment of close proximity to walk over and give Cynthia a big hug. I really have missed her. We turn to the stores,
and I decide to look for shoes first, so I lead the way over to the first store. My dad holds the door open, as we hurry in to escape the now darkening sky. I look around, and see the rows upon rows of shoes, and my heart begins to beat. I love getting new stuff, and this year; I actually get to buy expensive shoes.
We continue on down the row of stores, as I pick out things that I want and need for the new school year that starts in a little over a month. I eventually pick out a pair of shoes that match almost every outfit I own. Next, we head over to a clothing store, and I look around for clothes. My dad told me I had three hundred dollars to spend total, which sounds so outrageous, but I'm glad he told me that. I ended up finding my shoes for about fifty dollars, so I am able to find some clothes with my remaining money. I hit the jackpot. They are having a buy one, get one fifty percent off sale on all the clothes. I end up picking out five new pairs of jeans, and six new shirts to go along with it. With tax, my stuff is two dollars under the limit, which is really good. After a while of searching, I look down at my phone, and see three texts from Michael.
I step into one of the dressing rooms and check the texts. He said hey in one of them, while the other two were just texts about how much he loves me. I smile briefly, before returning a text about how I can't wait to see him tomorrow. After sending the text, I let myself out of the dressing room, and then join my dad at the front of the store. We head out into the windy atmosphere. I can smell the salt in the air, from the beach. The thought of swimming in the crashing emerald waves almost causes my mouth to water, as we walk across the empty parking lot. I beat them to the car, so I lean against it, and look down at my phone. There aren't any new texts, but that doesn't bother me. I know how special it is. I know he loves me, and that security, that blanket of comfort is literally everything that I ever wanted, and everything and more than what I'd ever ask for.
My dad cranks the truck to life, and we pull out of our parking spot. I wonder where we're going next but decide not to ask because for some reason my dad doesn't seem very happy at the moment. I wonder what happened. I realize exactly where we're going, after only a few minutes of driving, we’re going to eat lunch at one of the buffets in town. It's one of my favorite places to eat, and my dad is actually taking me there today. All of this is making me feel so much better. I don't think I was depressed specifically because Michael moved a mile away, that definitely contributed, but the main thing that is bringing me down is the fact that since he moved away, the days when we don't see each other are the days that I don't see anyone. Yesterday, I literally sat on my porch for the entire day, and just reread a book I've already read about three times.
We turn onto my road, and I feel the depression setting back in. I try to remind myself that I got to do something today, and tomorrow I'll be in his arms. It's really bugging me that I have to go back to that house, for the next five or six hours before sleeping though. I can't just sit there. I decide that I'll go to Michael's house and surprise him. If he's not there, then I'll hang out with Stephen, or my friend Katie, who lives a few houses down. I silently hug them both, as I get out of the backseat, and they pull out of the driveway. They ride down the road, until they disappear completely. I run inside to drop all of my things off on the couch, and then head right back out the door. I'm just about to walk down the road, when I see Michael. He's hanging out with a couple of guys, and they're all laughing.
I race down the driveway, and up to his Aunt’s yard. A smile on my face, as I walk up to the group leaning against his Aunt’s car like we used to do. I smile at him, before lifting a hand to wave.
"Hey Michael, I just got home, if you wanted..." I begin, but he cuts me off with a wave of his hand. I can tell that he's being rude before he even speaks.
"I'm kind of hanging out with friends, and my brother’s not even here, so you should probably go" he says. His lips curling a bit. I feel my eyes sting a bit, but I turn away with tears in my eyes, and storm back to my house. I cannot believe the way that he just talked to me. I can't believe that he would use such a horrible attitude toward me. It just doesn't make sense to me. I open the door, and just slam it behind me. I collapse onto the couch.
I begin to cry to myself. The tears are salty, and running down my cheeks, as I bury my face into one of the throw pillows. I try to push the face he gave me out of my mind. I prop myself up on the arm of the couch, and just cry into the cushion beside me. I'm just about to move to my bedroom, when there is a knock on the door. I know it's him, before I even pull the door open. He comes in, as soon as I open it. I see him rush past me, and sit down on the couch, before looking up at me with those eyes. I look down at him, tears still streaming down my face, as he tries to dissuade me with his blue eyes.
"Why would you treat me like that, just for saying hi to you?" I demand, and he just shakes his head for a moment, but doesn't speak when I wait. I continue on with my rampage.
"I was excited to see you, but you couldn't be bothered?" I ask him, my voice breaking.
"Lucas. You really need to stop overreacting. You know why I had to do that, don't you?" he asks. I actually falter in that moment. Is there some point that I'm missing? Am I overlooking some key factor, as to why he would talk to me like garbage, when in front of his friends?
"No Michael, please enlighten me?" I ask him, half sarcastically, and half to see if it is actually a good point that I may be overlooking.
"If my friends see me talking to you, and then they ever get any suspicions, everything will fall into place, and everyone will know we're together. I would have to change schools" he admits, and it actually makes everything worse. I sit there and realize something. Something I had never noticed. We may both be hiding the fact that we're dating a guy, from our families, but he is not just scared of coming out. He's ashamed of me. The humiliation seems to settle somewhere deep in my stomach, and although the argument ends right there, I know the feeling is there to stay. He leans in, and places a kiss against my trembling lips, before pushing me back onto the couch, and crawling on top of me. I close my eyes, as we kiss, but not from passion. I'm with someone who will never be proud to show me off, someone who will always try to hide me away from the rest of the world.
Chapter 11 Separation
I throw one last shirt in and decide there is not one more thing that could possibly fit in this damn box. I grab the tape off of the bed, and tape the box closed, before grabbing the sharpie to scribble down the contents. I look over at Michael, as he's busy shuffling through all of the movies, trying to sort between his, and his uncle’s collection. I resist the urge to cry again because Michael is getting his last trip done before being completely moved in to the new house. I'm never going to see him again. I leave the box behind and walk across the room to sit next to him. He looks up at me, before taking my hand into his own. We sit there in front of his TV, for a few minutes just silently holding hands. It feels nice, but the thought of how it's been with him the last couple days is still heavy in my mind. I'm not sure how we're going to make this work.
It honestly feels like we've been starting to fall apart, but moments like these; when our hands are linked, and he looks at me with his eyes full of love make me think that maybe we can fall back together. There's a knock on the door, and he drops my hand, as quickly as he grabbed it. I turn my head to look at him angrily; as he scuttles about five feet away from me, before yelling come in. Stephen comes into the room and looks from Michael sitting in the middle of the floor, with nothing around him; to me surrounded by a stack of sorted movies. He laughs, before crossing the room to join me at the mountain of movies. I smile at him, trying to hide my disdain from both him, and his brother. He doesn't seem to notice, as I silently sink into a deep depression. I'm all for him wanting to keep his dirty little secrets, but I'm not okay with him acting like I'm nothing to him.
"Mom wants to know how much longer, you'll need for packing because she's going out with Miss Agatha and wanted us to be settled in over at the new place, befor
e she goes" he informs Michael after a couple of minutes of just laughing and talking. I sit there quietly, as they talk back and forth, and the whole time; a storm is brewing within me. I love Michael, and he is literally everything to me, but how can I be with someone who doesn't even really care about me? How can I be with someone who can't sit within five feet of me, as long as people are around. How can I continue to fawn over someone who is embarrassed to be friends with me, let alone be in love with me? After another few minutes of talking, Stephen leaves us alone again, and Michael stands up to cross the room. He walks over to the door, and I hear him turn the lock. He comes back to me and pulls me by the hand.
I wordlessly let him pull me along, as he leads me to the bed. I know I'm sad, and I know I'm questioning the future of our relationship, but that doesn't make it any easier to say no, as he lays me back onto the bed, and crawls on top of me. I let him hover over me, as he explores my body with his hands. He leans down to kiss me, and I close my eyes at the feeling of bliss, and the feeling of love. I let him take me to new heights of pleasure, and I let him go to every corner of his mind, doing what he wants. I never say no, and I never argue with him. I know it's not the same for me, as it is for him, but it's still important to me. This is a momentous occasion. This could be the last time I feel his hands on me. This could be the last time that I feel his lips against my skin. I tell myself the entire time that this isn't the end. This is not goodbye. It’s just goodbye for now.
An hour later we're standing at the end of the driveway, and his car is packed of all the things we boxed up. His mom is waiting behind the wheel, and I am trying my hardest not to cry. He looks at me and sees the unshed tears in my eyes. I can tell that he knows how sad I am that he's leaving, but he doesn't know that his leaving isn't making me so down right now. The thing that's making me really hurt inside is the way that I just felt with him. The way that I never want to feel ever again. He looks at me, and then back at the car. I can tell what he's about to do, before he does it, and I try to refuse, but he doesn't listen. He turns to his mom.