by Perry Matlin
"Crap, mom I forgot something over at Luke’s house. Do you mind if I go and grab it really quick?" he asks, and she just lets her head fall back dramatically.
"Yes Michael, but you need to hurry up because I have somewhere to be, and I cannot be here all night" she demands, and he takes off in the direction of my house. I have to chase after him to catch up before he gets to the door. He immediately pushes the door open, and we go inside. He turns to me, as soon as we close the door. It feels nice to be in my house, and to know that in a few short minutes, I'll be able to cry myself to sleep. I look at him, as the light from his mom's car shines against the wall behind him. He takes my hand again, and I have the urge to drop the connection. He looks at me, and sees the tears now streaming down my face. Michael reaches up with one finger and wipes them away. Smiling at me, he leans in to give me a tender kiss. In that moment, I almost change my mind. I almost decide to push through and try to fix what's wrong. In that moment, I almost ignore my head.
"What's wrong babe?" he asks, his voice full of worry. "I'm just moving a few blocks away. It's not like you'll never see me again" he explains, but little does he know I'm not crying because he's moving. I try to hold the words in a bit longer because I'm scared to see his eyes shatter when I say what I have to say.
That's not what I'm upset about. I don't want to talk about this right now. I can't. I just can't" I say, before bursting into tears, and taking off to my bathroom. I manage to make it to the bathroom, and bolt the door behind me, before Michael can follow me in. I slide down the door and break down.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" he demands, knocking on the door, as he stands on the other side. I let my head rest against the door, as he stands behind it.
I want more than anything to open the door. I would love to unlock it, and let him in. I know how it would go. He'd rush in and hold me while I cry. I'd kiss him, and then everything would come crashing down around me. I'd never go through with it. I'd never have the courage to break his heart while staring into his eyes. I'd never be able to do that to him.
"Michael, just go away. I'll talk to you later" I try to send him away, chickening out because maybe I'm not ready to lose the love of my life yet. I may be selfish, but I want more time to be happy, but right now, I can't trust my mouth. I'm going to end up letting it slip out, if he stays here much longer. I hold my face in my hands, as he continues to stand at the door. I know I'm upsetting him, but I'm too upset to care too much.
"Luke, I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what's going on" he commands, and I know he's being honest. I lift my head, and just hit it against the door. I cannot say this to him. He's going to freak out. I just have to ignore him. I have to hold my words in.
"Michael, I can't do this anymore" I say, and the words are out, before I even realize it. I let myself go, and now it's too late. Now it's happening. Now it's real.
"What the hell does that even mean?" he demands, knocking on the door even harder. I stand up and turn to face the door. I can't see him, but I can tell he's there, so it's like I'm talking to him face-to-face.
"I think we should take a break" I say, closing my eyes, as the words come out. He stops knocking. I look up, and all I can hear is silence. I'm just about to open the door, when he speaks.
"Why? I thought everything was going great?" he says, and I hear the pain in the voice that I love. I put my hand to my mouth and begin to cry even harder. I take a step closer to the door.
"I can't be with someone that makes me feel even worse about who I am. I can't be with someone who's embarrassed to even be friends with me. I can't be with you. At least not until you come to terms with who you are, who we are" I tell him. I can hear his breath as it catches in his throat. I reach for the doorknob, but his words stop me.
"You don't love me anymore?" he asks. I feel my throat constricting, as I take a step back now. I can't even speak right now. I try to force the words out, but nothing happens.
"No" one single word. One lie, one single statement, that has never been so untrue in my life. That's all I can manage. All I can manage is literally the one word in the English language I didn't want to say.
I hear the door slam closed a few seconds later. He left. He actually left me behind. I open the door, and stumble blearily to the living room. I collapse onto the couch, and just let out all of the anger, all of the tears, and all of the pain. I pick up my phone, and immediately dial the number that comes to mind. It's not until after the phone starts ringing that I realize we're not even friends anymore. I'm just about to hang up the phone, when someone answers.
"Hello?" the voice asks softly. It's Grandma Susie. I decide there can't be any harm in trying after the last couple months. I brace myself for the next few minutes, before answering back.
"Is Coral available?" I ask timidly, and she disappears to go find her. After only a few minutes, the voice of my former best friend comes on the phone. I smile at the sound of it.
"Hello?" she asks, and I freeze for a moment, before answering. I'm scared as soon as she hears my voice, then she'll freak out. I'm just about to answer, when she speaks again.
"Lucas, are you there?" she asks. She knows it's me and doesn't even sound angry.
"Hey Coral" I say, my voice almost breaking, as I force the words out. She doesn't hang up, so that has to be a good sign, right?
"Are you okay? You sound upset" she replies, and I can hear the concern in her voice. It really means everything to me in this moment. I take a deep breath, before crossing the living room to make sure Michael is gone. The car is gone, so that means so is he. I open the door, and walk out on the porch, before beginning the long story. I walk around the side of my house, and follow the walkway, leading to my back fence, as I begin the longwinded tale of my summer so far.
Coral seems happy to listen. She gives feedback, at all the right parts, and she laughs at the funny [arts. Soon enough we’re best friends again, or so I hope at least. I’m just getting to a good part, when someone interrupts me.
"Hey there" someone calls from behind me. I'm resting against the fence at the very back of my yard. I look up and see someone hanging over the fence. He's older than me but looks to be late teens. The first thing I notice about the guy is his hair. He has bleach blonde hair, but it's cut short.
"Hi, do I know you?" I ask, a smile crossing my face. It hits me in that moment that with Coral on the phone, I'm not as heartbroken anymore. This was a good thing, I think. Separation can be hard, but it can also be just what the doctor ordered.
"No, but would you like to get to know me tonight?" he asks. I look at him, confused. It's not very common to find a gay guy around here, and for one to just ask you out of the blue. I don't even think about it, before blurting out the word yes. What did I just do? "I'll be back in like an hour, okay?" He leaves at that moment, and I go back to talking to Coral. I have my friend back, and apparently, I have a date with a cute stranger. This is different.
Chapter 12
Position
"What the hell was that?" she asks me, as I turn away from the gate where we just stood. I let out a flustered chuckle, before replying to her bewilderment. What indeed was that?
"Some random guy just asked me out" I answer simply. She laughs through the phone. We reach a slightly awkward silence, so I think of something to spark the conversation once more.
"So, how's your summer, now that you know my whole thing" I laugh. She pauses for a second, before clearing her throat. This should be good. She's always been good at telling stories.
"Christine and I are doing fine. I don't think she's as mad at you anymore. Maybe we could all talk on the first day of school?" she asks. I close my eyes briefly, before deciding upon my answer. I open them once more, smiling into the phone.
"Of course! I'd love to be friends with her again" I say, only half lying. I genuinely like Christine, but I hate the way she tries to control Coral. Coral is a very impressionable person, which makes it easy for her to be man
ipulated, and even controlled. When I see something like that going down, it pisses me off.
"That's good" she says, before changing the subject altogether. I wonder what's going on there. "So, what did he exactly say to ask you out?" she questions. I think back to him, as he loomed over me, and how he had just confidently asked me out. That confidence, that attitude of utter control was so damn sexy.
"He just said he'd like to get to know me tonight, or something" I tell her. She bursts into a fit of laughter, before she seems to catch her breath again. I roll my eyes.
"Sounds to me, like you might be experiencing the slutty summer Luke" she jokes. I laugh at her joke, before realizing that my life has changed so much since my family left. I'm a completely different person now, and I might be going further down this new road soon. I would like to be able to tell myself that I won't sleep with this guy ever, but the amount of chemistry that was flying told me that I do want to know this boy better. I could actually see us having a relationship, and I could see me allowing him that close. Then I realize that Michael and I just broke up like an hour ago. Why is my mind doing this right now? I should be broken. I should be sad, not getting butterflies over a stranger, and I sure as hell shouldn’t be going on a date with him.
"I don't know about all of that" I say, knowing in the pit of my stomach that I do know. I do know that I'd go that far with this complete stranger, and that's what scares me. I walk back around to the front of my house, before going back inside. The bathroom door is still open, from where Michael and I stood.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get ready. I'll call you tomorrow, and let you know how it goes!" I exclaim, and she laughs again, before hanging up the phone. I'm left alone to my thoughts.
I look in the mirror and can instantly see the tear tracks on my face. That means he saw them outside earlier. I quickly speed through the process of getting ready, and I'm just finishing up, when I hear the doorbell ring. I rush from the bathroom, and grab my phone, and wallet off of the couch.
I open the door, and he's right there. It feels so different to be going out with someone other than Michael. He's taller for one. For two he has brown eyes, instead of blue. It's obvious that he's older as well. Michael is fifteen, but this guy looks like he's seventeen or older. My theory is proven further, when I notice the running car in the driveway behind him. I smile slightly.
"I'm Josh by the way" he says, as I stand there. It occurs to me that I probably look like an idiot, just standing here silently gaping at him. I blink a couple times, before I seem to snap out of it.
"I'm Lucas. It's nice to meet you Josh" I say, blushing profusely in the process. He seems to like my awkwardness because he smiles at me, motioning over to his car. I get the hint and follow him off my porch.
"Where are we going?" I ask him, and he shrugs slightly. I see him smile cutely, as we get into his car. I slide into the passenger seat and look over at him. His car smells heavenly. He immediately reaches over and takes ahold of my hand. I let him hold it, as we back out of my driveway. His hand seems to be holding my heart together, and even though I was spiraling in depression from breaking up with Michael, I can't feel the pain anymore. He's numbing the ache, which is everything to me. We turn right and begin driving once more. You would think I'd feel a bit uncomfortable, being put in this position so soon after leaving Michael, but I'm not upset. He turns down another road, and I see that we're on the road behind mine. This must be his house, I think, as we pull into a driveway. There aren't any other cars, so I briefly wonder if he lives alone.
Turning the car off, he hops out, and I follow him up to the door. He unlocks it, allowing us both inside. This is very weird. Everything I was ever taught about stranger danger is loud in my mind, but my heart tells me that he's a good, decent person.
I find myself in a cozy little living room, as we file inside. I look all around, trying to catch a hint as to who else might live here. He looks back at me, and we share a brief look.
"This property is my parents', but they let me move into the guest house, when I turned seventeen. They're out of town, so we're all good to be alone" he answers the look on my face. So, he is at least seventeen, I was right. I wonder how old he is exactly. I saw a backpack, so he must be a senior. I ponder the possibilities of dating a senior next year, a smile flashes across my face.
"So, I rented a couple of movies, and I have a PlayStation, and I have plenty of food, and drinks" he explains, and I smile at him wordlessly. He motions for me to sit down, so I follow direction. I'm trying to build the courage to speak, but now that I'm here, I feel a bit nervous. What are his expectations for tonight? Does he expect me to go all the way with him? I close my eyes and convince myself once more that he most likely isn't a serial killer. I mean, if he is a serial killer, he’s a pretty damn hot one.
I feel him sink onto the couch beside me, so I open my eyes. He's sitting just beside me, and his eyes are locked on mine. His bleach blond hair, and his dark brown eyes are just before me, so I lean in and kiss him. I know I was nervous about what his intentions were, and then I go and kiss him. He doesn't seem to mind, as he kisses me back. It feels so nice, not to have to play music, and lock the door just to kiss someone.
After a few moments of kissing, our lips break apart. At that moment, I realize that I don't mind what his intentions might be. I don't want to stop kissing him. I want to go further. I lean back in and begin to kiss him once more. He seems to catch my hint and becomes more into the whole thing. I feel him leaning farther in, so I readjust, so he can slowly push me back until he's fully on top of me. I look up into his brown eyes, and even though it feels all off because they aren't blue; I let him continue. I actually pull his shirt off of his body, and I watch as it flies across the room. I look back up at him, as he lowers himself down to kiss me again. I wrap my arms around his neck, as we continue to kiss, until he begins to explore my body with his hands. I smile hungrily at him, as he pulls away from me. I reach up and unbutton his jeans. He looks down at me with a similar grin. He may not be the person I want to be kissing in my heart, but he is perfect for numbing the pain, and I want more.
I open my eyes, and for a moment the events of last night don't surface. Where am I? I look around, and then I feel the arms around me. I see his sleeping face, and all of the memories come whooshing back. That's when I realize that we're both completely naked. Something hits me at that moment. I don't regret sleeping with him. This is the first time, I've gotten to, and stay with the person. This is the first time; I haven't had to sneak around. It makes everything so much more attractive. He opens his eyes at that moment and smiles over at me. I close my eyes, as he leans in to give me a morning kiss. It feels so nice to wake up in someone's arms. Everything seems so much easier, and so much more mature with Josh. I of course miss Michael, but for now I can savor the fact that someone's not ashamed to be with me, someone doesn't hate the thought of people finding out.
He rolls on top of me at that moment and kisses me with tenderness. I follow suit, and we start right back where we did last night. I know it might sound bad. I've already had sex with two people, before I even get to high school, but it's not like I did it in some gross way. I think back to Coral’s words about a slutty summer. A smile crosses my face again. Josh throws the blanket over us, until we're completely submerged underneath.
A few minutes later, he looks over at me, his forehead glistening with sweat. I lean over, and give him another kiss, before laying back to relax just like him. We lie there for a few minutes, just enjoying the relaxing feeling. I eventually sit up and look around the room for my clothes. That's when I realize that my clothes never made it to the bedroom.
After I've gathered my stuff, and he leads me to the door, I walk down to his car. He starts the engine, just as I climb into the seat beside him, and he drives me around the corner to my house. I see a car in my driveway, so I sneak a quick kiss, before hopping out of the car.
"When can I see you again?" he calls from
the driver's side. I walk back down the driveway and meet him at the window. He squints up at me, as the sun is in his eyes. I smile at him and look around again.
"How about tonight?" I ask him. He nods instantly, and I lean in to give him one more kiss. I watch him back out of the drive, before turning to head inside. As soon as I open the door, I'm met by Lisa. I smile happily at the sight of her. Leaning in to give her a hug, she pulls away, and looks at me carefully. I look at her self-consciously.
She has long platinum blonde hair that is pulled into a high ponytail. Her green eyes are alight with some hidden joke.
"What?" I demand, and she just smiles even bigger. I look behind me, and don't see anything remarkably funny. "What are you staring at?" I ask her, and she just turns away from me, heading into the kitchen. I follow her, as she finally answers.
"Go take a shower, you smell like sex" she says simply, before heading to the dishwasher. I look down at my feet, as my face erupts with heat. Oh my God, that's so embarrassing.
"Your mom will be home tomorrow, so she asked me to come make sure the house is nice and clean." She answers my unspoken question. I smile, at the thought of finally having my mom back home.
"We don't speak of this ever again" I say simply, as I leave her behind to take a shower. I lock the door behind me, and cover my mouth, as I uncontrollably giggle. That was so embarrassing.
Chapter 13 Frustration
I open my eyes, looking around my silent room. Lisa left to go pick up her son and meet my mom at the airport. I decided to stay behind and clean my room before she gets home, but I haven't exactly gotten around to cleaning anything. I roll over, staring at the stuffed animal Michael got me from the store a few weeks ago. I know I found happiness with Josh, but it was nothing, nothing even remotely close to what I felt with Michael. I pull the stuffed animal to my chest and cradle it as if it will bring him back, as if holding the object closely will make our problems dissipate, so we can be together again. After a long moment of silent anguish, I push the animal away, and force myself into a sitting position. I force the negativity from my mind, as I realize my mom and sisters will be back in just a few short hours. I won't be all alone anymore.