by Perry Matlin
"I love you and thank you so much for the invitation babe" I say, leaning up to kiss him deeply, before grabbing ahold of his hand. He looks down at me, a smile on his face. The darkness is thick around us, as we stand on the back porch. I make to move away, but he holds onto my hand tighter.
"I love you too. I love you more than anything, and I can't wait until we go together" he tells me, before pulling me to where I collide into his chest. He kisses me one more time, and then I pull away. Our hands stretch, until they finally fall away. I walk back to my house, my body feeling as light as a feather. My heart as high as the clouds. My soul as full as the world around me.
Chapter 21 Infuriation
Today is the day. Today I get to go to the festival with Michael. I take a single deep breath, and let it expand my empty stomach. I close my eyes, before spinning around with a giddy feeling of endless joy in my stomach. This will be the most amazing day. I spent last weekend cleaning my Nana’s house top to bottom just to earn the money for us to have as much fun as we want. I leave my room behind, unable to think of anything else, other than the fun we're going to have tonight. I quickly lock the door behind me and turn to face the shower. Nobody is home because they all went to the festival early, which works perfectly because then they will be gone, when we go. The shower is nice. It feels relaxing under the steaming jet of water. I let it soothe my sore muscles, as it rains upon me. I'm sore from school this week. I've been missing the bus, so I can walk with Michael.
It's not exactly a high exertion of energy, but it is more than I'm used to. I finally turn the water off and step out of the shower. I go to step on the mat, but it isn't there. I notice that it's bunched up from being stepped on too much. I notice this, just as I step into a small puddle of water. I feel my foot slip right out from under me, and I lose my balance. My body goes backward, but my legs flee away from each other, until I hit the wall of the shower with my head. I look around, once the dust settles, and try to gain my bearings. My eyes swivel around, the room swimming. What the hell is going on? I struggle to get into a sitting position, where I feel the warm sticky blood run down my cheek. I finally find my strength then and force myself to my feet. I stumble across the bathroom floor, and almost collapse on the sink counter. Looking up, I peer into the steam filled mirror. I take in my own reflection through the streaks.
There is a thick trail of blood slowly trailing down my lip. I can see that it's coming from my nose, which is better than what I was picturing. I was honestly picturing the worst-case scenario. Blood pouring from my head, brain damage, you know the usual. Instead, I have a minor bloody nose, which is completely fixable. This day can still turn out to be perfect, if I let it. I smile then, before reaching over for some toilet paper. I wipe the trail of blood clean from my face, and then put pressure on my nose to see if it's done bleeding. I reach over and check my phone as I hold the paper to my nose. I have a text from Michael, so I immediately open it. A smile crosses my face, as I read his words of love. I read his words, and I can hear them in my head, as if he had spoken them. I quickly reply, before peeling the toilet paper away from my nose.
With joy, I see that it is no longer bleeding. I hurry through the rest of my bathroom process, just getting ready for the festival. I begin to picture it all in my mind, the lights, the music, all the food. Michael will be there which makes it more exciting for me. I finish up in the bathroom, and head back into my bedroom. Looking around, I turn to the clothes I have lined up. I dart across the room and grab the shirt off my bed. I hurriedly get ready, just singing under my breath all the while. He's going to be here in just a few minutes, so I need to be ready before then. I smile, as the last piece of my outfit, the armband he gave me is securely in place. I rush out of my room, and into the kitchen where I hurriedly make a glass of cranberry juice. I down the contents, before running back into my room to grab my money. I skid to my knees, moving my dresser away from the wall. I unfasten the lower right corner of my poster.
Pulling the paper back, I see that the money, the crisp hundred-dollar bill is gone. It's not where I put it. The money I worked for, the money I went an entire weekend without him for, the money I cleaned for is gone. The money I have to get us into the festival, the only thing I've been thinking about is gone. It's all gone. I collapse to the floor, tears streaming down my face, as the realization of what happened hits me. I had everything planned. This was supposed to be the perfect night. This was supposed to be my night. He did this. I know he did. Nobody else in this house would ever steal from me like that. Antonio steals everything, he ruins everything. I'm fuming, as I gather myself up, and jump to my feet. I begin to pace the room, as though something will change, but it won't, it's gone. My night, our night is ruined, and it will never be the same again.
At that moment, the phone rings, and I look down to see his name. I almost begin to cry again, but my anger is too powerful for that. I snatch the phone up, and answer. My voice shakes, as I tell him what happened. My voice shakes with the unshed tears, and the hatred, the pure, raw, unfiltered hatred I feel for this man, this man who has to ruin, who has to take every damn thing from me. He takes away my mom's dignity, but that's not even enough. Then he begins to take my happiness, my childhood, and even my belongings now?
"It's over Michael. Everything is ruined. He ruined everything" I say, my voice rising as I continue. I can tell I may be overreacting, but I really don't care at this point. I've been working so hard, and thinking nonstop about this, and now, now it's ruined.
"Lucas, please calm down. What the hell happened?" he asks, and I finally take a breath, before continuing. I level my breathing, making my words less harsh, as I speak.
"I went to get the money I worked for, and he stole it. He just stole it Michael, and now. Now we can't go. We can't go anymore because of him" I say, the tears finally breaking free. The infuriation is too much. The betrayal is deep. I close my eyes, blinking rapidly, as I listen to the silence. Did he just hang up on me?
"Michael, where'd you go?" I ask, but the line is dead. Where did he go? Did he hang up on me because I can't go? Did he ditch me for not having money? I'm just about to break down even further, but then my bedroom door opens, and he crosses the room to kneel beside me. I look up at him.
"It's not the end of the world. I can get us in. We don't need any of that other stuff. You have me. You have me, and that's all that matters, okay?" he asks, as he plants a kiss on my lips. I taste the foul, bitter taste of cigarettes on his lips, but I still kiss him back because I love him.
"You smell really awful" I say suddenly, choking on my tears, as I give him a watery smile. He smiles back at me, before kissing me again. I smile this time, the tears finally ceasing their ever-flowing mess. He takes ahold of my hand and pulls me to my feet. We stand there in the center of my room, just staring at each other.
"You ready to go have some fun babe?" he asks, before pulling me by the hand, as we head down the hallway. I look back, as he pulls me from my house.
We walk across the street, and head up the road, never looking back as we head away from the hellhole, we both know is killing my childhood. I try not to think about the damage he is doing to me, as he steals, and hurts, and screams my youth away. I try not to imagine where this road may lead.
"You ready now?" he asks me, as we get to the end of the road, where his Uncle is waiting with his friend. He tosses Michael the keys, and he jumps behind the wheel.
"Are you even allowed to be driving?" I ask him, my breath catching as we pull onto the road. I know he doesn't have a license.
"It'll be fine, I promise. Let's drop the negativity and have some fun okay?" he asks me, as we drive away from the neighborhood. I nod, before taking his right hand into mine, and leaning back to close my eyes serenely.
Chapter 22
Elation
Michael turns onto the highway, as I grip his hand lovingly. We're on our way to have fun at the festival, and I couldn't be happier with anyone else in the w
orld. Is this how it's going to be for the rest of my life? I briefly picture a world where my family knows, and they can come with us, and a smile crosses my face. I look over at him, as we slow to a stop at a red-light. He reaches over and grips my hand. The feeling is nice, and we feel so normal right here. He turns, and we're off again. I know we are getting close to the festival, and my stomach is doing flips, as we drive closer.
"You ready for this?" He asks me, his blue eyes alight with a flame of passion. His dimples making the rest of his face nearly indiscernible, as I peer over at him. He pulls into a grass parking lot, as I pull him by his shirt and kiss his lips tenderly.
"I was born ready babe" I tell him, and he kisses me again, before looking around. I know he's about to say something that'll upset me because he takes my hand first. I take a deep breath, before turning my gaze up to peer into those beautiful blue eyes.
"You know we can't like hold hands or do anything gay here right?" He demands, his voice changing immediately. The feeling of rejection fills my stomach, but I force it to stay there. I look at him, a smile on my face, and nod to him lovingly.
"Yeah I kinda figured. Well are you ready to go in then?" I ask him, and he squeezes my hand before hopping out of the car. I follow him silently, not wanting to start anything on this day. He pays for our tickets, and we walk through the gates. I turn to look at him, just as he pulls a cigarette out, and places it between his lips.
"I wish you wouldn't. What if someone sees?" I ask him, as a cloud of smoke blows into my face. I wave it away distastefully, as he takes a deep drag. He holds it in with a smile, before blowing it in the opposite direction. I return the smile weakly.
"Whatever mom. You wanna go get wristbands?" He asks, not waiting for an answer. I decide then and there that I'm not going to let this night get ruined. He is trying to make it memorable for me, and I'm just complaining about everything.
"I didn't know we were doing that!" I say excitedly, and he smiles, taking another drag from his cigarette. I ignore the smell of the smoke and follow him over to the booth. We begin to stand in the long line, when I see my friend. I notice with a pang of hurt as I wave her over that Michael moves away from me.
"Hey Christine! I thought you weren't allowed to come" I say, and she beams at me. She joins me in line, before explaining that her step-dad relented, and allowed her to join us at the festival. She's supposed to meet Coral here.
"I'm really glad you got to come. I bet you'll love it. It is your first festival here after all. Hope you guys have a lot of fun. We... I am getting a wristband. I'll talk to you later" I tell her, as she leaves me to meet Coral. I couldn't help but catch the awkward air about the way I almost included Michael. I can tell, even before I turn back to him that I made a huge mistake. He looks visible pissed, I briefly consider running after her, but decide to stay and face his glaring blue eyes.
"You almost told her about me. What the hell was that Luke?" He demands, but it's finally our turn, and he turns away to buy our wristbands. Luckily, by the time we get them, he must've forgotten the scene because he doesn't mention it again. We make our way to the nearest ride. I keep sneaking glances at his hand, as it bounces at his side. I wish more than anything that I could hold it. I wish we were the kind of couple, or that we lived in the kind of town where we could walk down the lane of the festival hand-in-hand and nobody would bat an eye. I blink the thoughts away sadly and sprint a few steps so we can walk in stride. He looks over at me, and a smile plays at his lips.
"Want to go on the Ferris Wheel?" he asks me, as we reach the foot of the wheel. Surprisingly, the line isn't that long, so I nod fervently. He leads the way to the end of the line, and we stand there in silence, waiting for the line to move forward. I look around and see that nobody is joining behind us. The sound of the festival begins to wrap around me, in a suffocating embrace.
It becomes very obvious at that moment that there is an awkward silence building between us. I realize then that this is our first real public outing as a couple, and it's obvious that around other people, we don't have anything to talk about. I bite back the tears and turn to look into his eyes. He's looking right over my shoulder. I turn to see a small group of his friends laughing over by the hot dog stand. He catches me looking at him and snaps his gaze back to me. We're the only ones in line now, and he finally takes a step closer to me. I feel his hand brush against mine, and his fingers briefly grip mine, but then he moves away from me. The moment doesn't last long, but it lifts my spirits tremendously. I smile up at him, and he smiles back.
"I love you" I tell him simply, and he does this little smirk that makes me feel giddy inside. I know that he loves me as well. Even if he doesn't say anything. We are in love, and the feeling is definitely something I want to hold onto as long as I possibly can. It's something I only dreamt about before now.
"I love you too" he says, shocking me more and more, as our conversation begins to feel more and more like a dream as the seconds speed by.
"You guys are so cute together. By the way, your seat is ready now" the carny says, making Michael jump about a foot in the air. I can see his entire demeanor change, as our conversation becomes more public.
"What the hell do mean? We aren't together!" he demands, making my face flush with anger, and humiliation. The carny looks taken aback, but she stands steadfast, and just gives Michael a knowing smile. Michael stares at her for a second, before she speaks to him once more.
"Listen. You don't have to hide in the closet from everyone. We aren't all gay hating bastards. I'm not going to out you, but you really are cute together. You look like you really love each other" she explains, and Michael seems to soften up a bit, and I relax as well. I try to apologize with my eyes.
"Whatever just don't tell anyone okay. I'd die of embarrassment if someone found out about us" he says, and a pang of rejection fills my stomach yet again. She looks at me with sorrow on her young face. Our conversation is cut short then, when she signals for Michael to go first, and get up into our seat. I go to follow suit, but she grabs ahold of my wrist. I turn around to look at her curiously.
"Look kid. I've been where you are. You love him, and every so often, it feels like he really loves you too. I've been there. My first girlfriend always loved me, until we weren't alone. I eventually decided I was worth more than that, and you are too. It's okay to be in the closet, until you're ready, but it's not okay to treat people the way that he treats you. You deserve better than to be someone's dirty little secret. Get out of there, while you still can" she says, before releasing me. I shrug away from her, before scowling at her unwarranted advice. I scoff at her, before following him into the seat. She doesn't know what she's talking about, even if a small piece of me wonders if she does.
"What did she want?" Michael asks, and I just shake my head. I feel the anger of her words begin to ebb away, but the feeling left behind is even worse. The feeling of realization. She's right isn't she? The Ferris Wheel lurches to life, and we begin to lift from the ground. I feel the few inches between us, and it might as well be a million miles because I feel so isolated, so alone in that moment.
Then, out of nowhere, he puts a warm arm around me. It wasn't until the feeling of his warm arm against me that I realize how cold I had gotten. I embrace the warmth and face him. We're sitting here in the middle of the festival, in front of everyone, his arm around me. I look up into his eyes, as we rise higher and higher. He looks into my eyes, for a brief moment. Next thing I know, his lips are all over mine.
"I love you Luke" he gasps breathlessly, between kisses. We reach the pinnacle of the wheel, and it lurches to a stop. I look down nervously, but he just laughs, before making his body lean forward to rock us back and forth. We sit there for a moment, but the Ferris Wheel doesn't begin to lower itself. I hear the people below us yelling down below them.
"They're fixing the bottom seats, something malfunctioned. We're stuck up here for a while." A voice rises to us, and I look at Michael. I'm not exac
tly afraid of heights, but I don't exactly like the idea of being stuck at the very peek of a Ferris Wheel. Michael winks at me, before leaning over to kiss me again. I look into his eyes, as he pulls away from me. He smiles again, before speaking.
"The best thing about being on top of a Ferris Wheel, is that nobody can see what you're doing in your cart" he says, winking again, and I finally grasp what he means. I lean in again and kiss him eagerly. I giggle softly.
Michael pulls me over, after unbuckling my seatbelt as well. He pulls me onto his lap. Michael positions my body on top of his, causing the ferris wheel to rock ominously.
Michael holds me in place, by wrapping his arms tightly around my torso. I close my eyes, as the mixture of hot and cold confuses my body. I'm not even aware of which sensation is making me shiver. He begins to kiss me more fervently then. I sit on his lap, as he kisses down my neck, the cart tilts again.
"Michael we're moving. There's someone above us now" I tell him, I kiss him once, before I pull myself off of him, and sit down in my original seat.
I look around breathlessly. Unable to believe what we just did on a Ferris Wheel. I quickly finish straightening my clothes, as we finally reach the bottom. I look down at my phone, as we walk away from the Wheel, and see that we were on it, for nearly an hour. So much for my apprehension of heights. I totally just made out on the top of a Ferris wheel.
"Well that was definitely something" I tell him, as we walk over to one of the food booths. He smiles, as he continues to grip my hand. I don't notice until, we stop in front of the booth. He seems to notice at the same moment because he drops the embrace and turns around to see whether someone noticed or not. He seems to feel safe because he turns to the person behind the counter and begins to order our food. I smile, as I take in every detail of his perfect face. The rest of the night goes perfectly. It’s like a dream. I find myself falling even deeper in love with Michael the whole time.