by Perry Matlin
Chapter 23 Creation
I look over, as my foot taps impatiently against the leg of my desk. I've been finished with my quiz for ages, but the teacher hasn't allowed me to get up. Usually, Mrs. Ginger always allows me to leave, whenever I finish the quiz. Today, the one day I actually need to leave, she just decides to try a new set of rules. I roll my eyes, before peering over at the clock. We have about fifteen minutes left of the period, and then I'm free to go home. I just need to get through the rest of this week, and everything will be fine. Three more days, and I won't have to see this stupid school for a whole nine days. I haven't been having a very good couple of weeks here. My schedule was changed without my consent, and now I'm having problems with Coral and Christine again. They randomly started acting all kinds of weird, and now they are being bitchy. I honestly don't want to deal with the immaturity of it all. I'm so ready to just leave them behind and find new friends. I've been on this endless cycle with Coral for more than two years now, and it's getting repetitive.
I hear someone clear their throat, and my head turns slightly. Trevor is sitting just beside me, and I can see him struggling with whatever question he's on. I take a second to take in the features on his face. He has a very defined jaw line, which has always been a thing for me. His ears are a little big, and the stubble growing on his face, gives him a sharp, rugged look. He doesn't look like a junior. He looks like he's in his twenties. I find myself biting my lip. I obviously would never do anything with him, he's straight, and I'm in love with Michael, even if he did put our relationship on a break, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with peeking. Trevor is a football player, and he brings out all my Taylor Swift feels. He's tall, attractive, a bit full of himself, and he has a bomb ass body. I smile to myself, pushing the ever-escalating thoughts from the forefront of my mind. I decide to give my quiz another glance to pass some time. Before I even realize what's happening, the bell rings. I look down at my quiz and see that I've doodled his initials onto the paper.
I give the paper to Ginger, and leave the room abashed. Will she make the connection? The two thick black letters seem to stick to the back of my eyelids. They seem like a beacon of betrayal, a smoke signal to exhibit my dishonesty to the universe. I remind myself that I would never act upon those feelings which is what makes me halt the raging battle within my tumultuous mind.
As I leave the building, I almost walk right into one of my old friends. Joseph is walking with a boy I know as Connor. Joseph backs up reflexively, before looking down to see me. He smiles tightly, holding me at arms length. I look into his kind face, a smile frozen there. His freckles, and his green eyes remind me of days gone by. His face brings back the haunting memory of him. He reminds me of our one connection. Max.
I notice even after all this time a wave of pain crosses through my chest. I stiffen instinctively. Joseph gives me a smile, before awkwardly moving away from me. We never had any problems (besides him cheating at Four-Square), so the falling out we had makes everything all the more awkward.
I make my way through the school, Max on my mind. I haven't thought about him in a minute. A long minute. Trevor is gone from my mind, but soon he returns, when he runs up beside me. I look over before realizing it's him. He quickly falls into step with me, and I smile over at him, gripping the strap of my backpack for some sort of support. I then turn to him, hoping my face is trained to betray nothing.
"How was the quiz?" he asks me, as we turn down the main locker hall. I laugh, before thinking about it. It was easy. I know for a fact I got a perfect score, but I really don't want to sound like a nerd, do I? I decide instantly.
"Yeah, it was pretty hard. I'm pretty sure I failed it. What about you?" I ask him, feigning dumb. He groans expectedly. I know he only took the course for the easy A, but it's not so easy.
"Damn, I think I got maybe a C at most. I get so confused with the sentence structure you know?" he asks. Mentally I shake my head because I find the grammatical structure for sign language quite easy. Verbally I agree.
"Well anyway, I wanted to ask you if you'd like to come to my party this weekend. I've got the house to myself and wanted to have a little get together. I told you I'd get you back for letting me copy your homework" he explains, when I look at him quizzically. He pats me on the back, as I nod silently. I can't find my voice. I don't really want to go to the party, but I would like to spend more time around him. A twinge of guilt floods through me. I try to swat it away with the thought of logic. Michael told me two weeks ago that he wants to take a break. He wants to think about what's best for us as a couple. I've already seen him hanging out with a girl named Ashley, but I still feel obligated to be faithful, until we actually break up. Plus, Trevor is straight.
"Great, well I gotta go, but see you Friday, okay?" he calls, as he darts into the swarming crowd of students. He leaves me alone there in the locker hall. My head feels funny, as I mechanically put my books up, and head to the bus. I almost don't even notice, when I walk up at my house. Thank God I have the house to myself.
I enter the quiet house and close my eyes in bliss. I head over to the fridge and look for cranberry juice. I'm just about to drink it, when a knock on the door makes me jump. I turn to the sound, making my way over to the door. I pull it open, leaving the chain in place. Michael is there. I immediately allow him entrance, and he launches into my arms. I feel the warmth of his arms, as the embrace me. He smells heavily of cigarette smoke, but I also smell his cologne. It makes me roll my eyes with pleasure. He grabs ahold of my face and plows me into the wall. I feel his lips race to mine, and he pushes me up, until I'm wedged between him and the wall, my feet dangling over the ground. He kisses me then, his lips covering every inch of mine, his breath filling the room with labored breathing.
"I love you so much, you know that?" he asks between two kisses. I close my eyes and let him take me for the ride. I feel myself relax. I've been so stressed with this break, and now we're back on, and we are back to normal. It makes everything seem so much easier to handle.
"I love you too" I tell him, as he pulls me away from the wall, and whips us around, pushing me backwards to lie on the table. Michael climbs up on the table to hover atop my panting form. We lose each other in that moment. I kiss him, as my hands explore his body, sliding under his shirt. That’s when I hear a car door outside. We look at each other briefly, before deciding to run for it. I signal to head to me room.
I reach over and hit play on the stereo. It's always on full blast to drown out Antonio’s abusive words, so it fills my room with blaring music. I then turn back to him with a sheepish smile. He smiles, before pulling me closer. We kiss again, picking up where we left off.
"I love you" he says, his voice weak with a laugh. I lean over, and kiss him, before falling onto my back beside him. He looks up at the ceiling, not saying anything. I sit up after a minute. Looking around my room, I reach for his hand. He routinely takes it into his own. I look in the mirror right across from my bed, and see that my face is flushed, and I look breathless.
"I love you too babe. I'm so glad we're finally back together" I say. I see his face change. It goes from peaceful and satisfied to confused. I feel a dark feeling begin to spring into life in that moment.
"Oh, Luke. I didn't know that's what you... I would've never... I'm sorry. I'm not ready to get back together yet. I need to think about what's best for me, and you need to respect that. I just needed to tell you the news, and when I saw you, I just kind of got carried away. You understand, right?" he asks, and my head whips to face him. I feel myself breaking, but all I muster out loud is a short hollow question.
"What news?" the words are quiet, hollow. They sound like they're coming from an old house phone with bad connection. I feel them leave my lips, but they just don't sound like my voice. It sounds like a stranger. Michael seems to jump at the opportunity to change the subject. He launches right into the story.
"My mom is pregnant, I guess. I wanted you to know because you know, w
e've been close" he explains, but it sounds lame. It sounds like words read from a dictionary. We can't be that close if he doesn't care how he makes me feel. I have the image of Trevor again, as Michael's rejection floods me.
"Oh, that's awesome. I'm so happy for you guys" I tell him, but I'm not. I'm not happy. I'm hurt. I'm betrayed. I know I should still feel happy about the creation of a new life. I should be over the moon.
"I'm not feeling well, so I think I need to lie down" I tell him, and he nods understandingly. He gathers his stuff up, before pacing over to me. He looks like he might kiss me, but he thinks better of it. He does an awkward punch to my shoulder, and then heads out of the window. When he's gone, I lie there. My eyes dry, my mind filled with fantasies of Trevor. Fantasies that may never come true, but in my fantasies, I don't get screwed over, then rejected. In my fantasy, he cares. He doesn't leave. He stays, he loves, he fights for me. He isn't ashamed. He loves me. Trevor comes to me in my dreams that night, not Michael.
Chapter 24 Incarceration
I open my eyes and look around my room. I can see that it's still dark outside, so I turn my gaze to the alarm clock beside my bed. My alarm won't be going off for another thirty minutes. I try to close my eyes. I need the sleep. After not even a minute, I realize it's pointless. I'm not going back to sleep. I sit up, and groggily glare at my pillows. They look so inviting, but my damn insomnia won't let me enjoy a good night's sleep. I reach over and pull my phone off the charger. Looking down, I see that I have no notifications. I guess that shows how important I am to everyone. I decide to look through my contacts, so I can weed some out. I begin to click through, but my entire body freezes, when I come to a stop at his name. I'm not sure what this is. A shiver runs down my back, as I read his name again. That's twice in one week that Max has come up. Could it mean something?
After staring at those same three letters for a good twenty minutes I get out of bed. My alarm will be going off in eight minutes, so I turn it off, and grab the clothes I prepared for the day. I dejectedly head to the bathroom. Everyone is still asleep, so I have free reign of the house. I lock the door behind me, and quickly undress. After the water is to my liking, I step under the cascading warmth. Quickly, I shower. I'm both ready and not ready for this day at the same time. Today is the last day of school, before break, but today is another day filled with people I can't stand. I rush through the process of getting ready, and hurry out the door twenty minutes early, just to avoid running into Antonio. It's chilly outside, and the wind hits me in the face, causing my eyes to water. The light is just starting to show at the seams of the night.
I walk down the locker hall, dreading the morning ritual of Christine and Coral insulting me, as some sort of foreplay for their twisted relationship. I told Coral she deserved better than to be cheated on by someone who uses the excuse of validating her mother with fake boyfriends. I guess they didn't like it, when I said the boyfriends might be fake, but the sex Christine. was having was real. I come to a stop, ten feet from Christine. It stops me in my tracks because she's crying. She's also alone, which is weird. Coral is always the first one here. She lives right down the road.
"Are you okay Chris?" I ask her. She looks up, eyes rimmed with tears, and plunges into my arms. This is weird because Christine never really hugs me anymore. She usually just calls me names. I freeze, taken aback by the contact.
"It's just... It's.... I'm sorry for how I've treated you. I wrote this" she explains, handing me a folded piece of notebook paper. I take it wordlessly, pulling away from her as nonchalantly as possible. She doesn't seem to notice when I recoil. I decide to aim for a change in conversation because I'm not comfortable hashing it out right now, this early in the morning.
"Where's Coral? She never misses school. Have you..." I begin to ask, when she begins to sob again. I make a conscious move to wrap an arm around her. I find myself in an awkward one arm hug with someone who used to be one of my best friends. It's actually really damn awkward.
"She's not coming. The school reported her to the police, and she's under a mandatory psychiatric evaluation" she explains. I mentally wonder if that's such a bad thing. It could help her to be honest.
"What? When did this happen? Is she okay? Have you heard from her?" I attack her with questions, and suddenly. All of our bickering, and all of our problems are gone. All that matters is Coral. We want to know if our friend is okay. We want to know that she's coming back. It's a bond that can undo any feud.
"Last night. Her mom let me know. I just don't know what's gonna happen. If she says, if she tells them what she believes. Luke, we'll never see her again" she says tearfully. I nod with her. I know how damming Coral’s ideology can be. I know that they'll lock her away and throw away the key, if they hear about her alternate world, and her alter ego.
"I know. I'm worried about her too" I tell her. I comfort her for the rest of the time, until the bell rings. I leave her then, her haunted face filling the space of my memories.
I push through my classes, not paying attention. We aren't learning too much of anything on the last day anyway. Coral is at the forefront of my mind, and when I reach fifth period, something finally snaps. I'm pretending to read my biology book, when I catch the conversation between the guy next to me and the teacher. They're talking about Coral.
"She attacked this kid in seventh grade. I heard they're locking her up finally." He says. The teacher snorts with amusement, and anger flares up within me. I bite my tongue, but the next sentence brings me to my feet with a heated rage.
"Are you talking about the one with the long long hair, and the goth clothes? I thought she was a dude this whole time... Damn" those words. Those immature, tactless words come from a teacher.
I jump to my feet and throw the worst glare I can muster at her. She looks at me confused. I just stay there.
"What the hell are you looking at kid?" she demands, looking behind her. She looks at me with concern. That's when the kid breaks out laughing.
"Aren't you a teacher? Isn't it just a bit inappropriate to sit here and make fun of a student to another student?" I demand, and she blinks, surprised. I can tell it pissed her off. She sits up straighter, and bites her lip, before replying.
"Who do you think you're talking to boy?" she demands, and I frown. I feel like I'm standing before a female version of my tormentor. A female version of Antonio. I don't answer. She glares at me this time, which finally causes me to answer.
"I'm still trying to figure that out. I'll let you know" I know the words were too much. I know I went too far, but I don't really care right now. Let her send me to the office. Let her kick me out of class. I dare her. That's when someone steps up, causing me to look around.
"Mrs. Anderson, the girl you were talking about is his best friend, and I think you just upset him. That's all" I guy named David says. I beam at him. I know he's a friend of Michael's, but he just saved me. She blinks again, before scoffing. She turns back to me.
"Look, I don't care how much I offend you. You will not disrespect me. You will not act like a bonehead in my class, so get out" her words are calm, but they raise my anger level. I grab my backpack and sling it over my shoulder.
"I'd rather have a teacher more mature than my little sister anyway. I'm out of here" I say, striding from the room, not looking back. I hear her call my name, but I don't turn around for anything. I walk right out of the hall and slam my fist into my locker. The pain races all the way to my elbow.
I almost sprint out of seventh period, when the bell rings later that day. I'm so distracted by the detention slip inside my binder. I've never gotten detention before. I've never gotten in trouble like this. I'm almost to my locker, when someone grabs ahold of my arm. I look around to find myself face-to-face with Trevor. It throws me off because he wasn't in seventh period.
"Are you still coming tonight? I had a few people cancel, and I wanted to make sure that you'll still be coming" he says, and I'm not sure if he does it on purpose, but he juts o
ut his lip in a pout, so I answer on the spot with a single word. Then I'm left alone to kick myself for getting stuck. I make my way to the bus then, and silently ride home. I have a headache, a party to go to, and a detention slip to show for my Friday.
I ride in silence, as Antonio drives me over to Trevor party. I think of Coral, and her incarceration. I think of my argument with the teacher. I think of Max, and how he still effects me. I think of Michael, and how he just threw me away after the other day. I think of Trevor. We pull up then, and I get out without a word to Antonio. I walk up the driveway and knock on the door. Trevor opens it after a long wait. He steps aside to allow me in.
"You're the first one here, come on in" he says. I follow him into his living room. There is beer on the table, and food on the bar. He has a videogame paused on the TV. I look around, as he sits down on the couch. He pats the seat next to him, so I sit down. I look around awkwardly, but he just smiles at me, before handing me a beer. I take it wordlessly.
We sit there in silence for a minute, before Trevor checks a text, and curses aloud. I look at him wonderingly.
"Who all is supposed to come tonight?" I ask him, trying to cheer him up. It feels weird to be here alone with him. I never anticipated something so intimate.
"Well now that Frank cancelled. Just Amber and her boyfriend" he explains, and I have to refrain from groaning. I like Amber. She's a really sweet girl, but not her boyfriend.
"And dammit. They're running late and won't be here for two hours" he complains, looking at his text again. I get a weird feeling then, as I realize we're alone. Nobody will be here for two hours. I look over at him, as he lowers his phone.