by Perry Matlin
I wake up the next morning, and my first thought is to hang out with Michael. We live close now, only about a quarter of a mile apart. I call his cell phone, but he doesn’t answer. I call again. No luck.
I call his house phone to talk to Stephen. He answers immediately, and through sneaky tactics of asking how everyone in the family is, I find out that Michael is spending the day with Fiona. I relax then.
I decide to have a personal day. I break out a book and read for the entire day. I read all day Friday. I read all day Saturday. I read all day Sunday too. When it’s time to go back to school, I bring my book with me.
School is quiet, there are a lot of people absent. In a small town, the school starts to look a little empty, when tax time rolls around. Everyone goes to Disney World, or on cruises. I never do.
There are only seven people in my first period. Coral is one of them. She is drawing a design on the pages of her poetry. I’ve always loved her artistic abilities. She’s so talented and doesn’t even know it.
I watch her draw, as the math teacher shows people practice problems. She decided it would be useless to try to teach such a small number of the class, so we get a free day today. Which is fine with me.
I get a text from Michael and try to nonchalantly read it under my desk. I almost drop my phone, but finally I manage a good angle to read, while still hiding the device from view of the teacher.
Michael: Do you want to come over tonight? You can stay over for my birthday?
Lucas: I’ll tell my mom I have to babysit.
Lucas: Did you have a good weekend? I called you a million times
Michael: Fiona has been having problems with her family. She was upset.
Michael: our family, sorry
Lucas: What time should I come?
Michael: We can walk home together
Lucas: Okay. I love you babe
Michael: Love you too
Lucas: bye
Michael: Bye Lucas. See you later.
I put my phone away, as the bell rings. Coral doesn’t seem to be very talkative today, so I leave her behind and head to the one class I have no friends in. Geography honors is so boring for me.
I hate the teacher, I hate the students, and I hate the classroom. It always smells like maple syrup and it makes me so sick. The teacher is also a coach, so he isn’t really a teacher for us. He just gives us busy work.
I sit down at my desk, and instead of working on the chapter assignment, I begin to read again. I’ve read so much in the last few days. It’s been such a good time. I love this series anyway.
The rest of the day goes really slow. I plow through my nearly empty classes. Fourth period literally had three people, including myself, and the teacher. I sit alone at lunch because Coral is nowhere to be found.
I head to sixth period, and again find her absent. Where could she have gone after first period? I begin to get worried and decide to call her house after school. I read through the rest of my classes.
When the bell for seventh period finally rings, I rush from class. My friend Katie tries to yell something as I pass, but I’m in too much of a hurry to stop. I’m vaguely aware of Trevor walking just beside me, but we haven’t spoken a word to each other since his party. I almost run to the front of the school where Michael is sitting.
We walk home together. He smokes a cigarette, as I call to check on Coral. She’s fine. She just had a doctor appointment after third period. I talk to her for a minute. She sounds okay, just tired.
Michael is texting the whole time we walk. He doesn’t ignore me, but it’s obvious that he’s distracted. I put it off because it’s his birthday tomorrow. We finally make it onto his street. I follow him inside.
Nobody is home, but I know that’ll change soon. We sit on the couch, my feet in his lap as he flips through channels. When nobody comes through the door after an hour, I look at him questioningly.
“My mom is working overnight, and dad took Stephen and the baby to his mom’s house for a couple days. She fell I guess, so he wanted to be there to make sure that she can still function by herself.” He tells me.
“So, we’re alone for the night?” I ask him, but he shakes his head. I look at him, confused. He just said. “But you just said…” I begin but trail off.
“They’re coming back today after her appointment. They left on Friday. We have maybe two hours” he tells me, and I sit up straight. I look at him like he’s crazy. He has to be crazy if he thinks we’re wasting our alone time watching reality shows.
“Why don’t we start your birthday festivities a bit early?” I suggest, reaching for the remote. He lets me take it from him and turn it off. Then I put my feet on the ground and face him. We’re sitting on the couch together.
I reach out my hand and touch his face softly. It feels rough with a slight layer of facial hair that has grown since the last time he shaved his face. It’s attractive to me. It drives me crazy inside.
“You wanna take a shower?” he suggests. I look at him. We’ve never done that before. I think about it, and realize it could be fun, I guess. I smile at him, before leaning into kiss his soft lips.
He goes into the shower first. I head into his room. I pace the room quietly. I’m trying to reason with myself. What’s the point in being nervous? We’ve seen each other naked before. We’ve done everything.
I notice that the box of condoms from the other day is on the floor beside his bed. It’s less full now. David must have come back for a refill. Why not just take the whole box?
Something feels different though. I can’t find a rational reason, so I try to push it from my mind. Finally, I decide to just force myself into this. It’s not like it’s some out of this world idea.
I remove my clothes, trying to hurry. We don’t want to get caught in there together. When I’m finally ready, I leave his room and head into the bathroom. He’s already inside, so I hang my towel up and slip into the shower.
The water is hot, hotter than I usually use in the shower. I’m about to complain, but my body quickly adjusts and now the water feels nice on my body. It’s soothing. It’s like a hot tub in shower form.
I look at Michael. He’s looking right into my eyes. His blue eyes bright in the patch of sunlight from the small window at the top of the shower. He reaches out a hand to touch my chest lightly.
I pull him to me, the scolding water crashing down around us, as we move closer together. He leans toward my face, and we finally kiss. It’s still the most intoxicating thing I’ve ever felt. He truly intoxicates me.
He backs me into the wall, the water still hot around us. The steam rising in turrets. Michael places one hand against the shower wall, and the other on my face. I look into his eyes, as he hovers there. His lips an inch from mine.
“I love you so much” I tell him. He looks taken aback by the words. Like they hurt for some reason. I wonder if I imagined the pain in his eyes.
“I love you too” he tells me, before closing in the gap between us. We are one, as our lips meet. We are lost in the moment, and we are indistinguishable, as he lifts my feet off the ground to wrap around his waist. I close my eyes and lean into the kiss. This is love. This is satisfaction. This is fulfillment. This is what I’ve been searching for my entire life. I know I’m young, but this is what I’ve found. We’re meant to be, and so we always will be together.
Chapter 29 Designation
I look over the box, as my phone begins to buzz. A smile crosses my face, as his name lights up on my phone. I hurriedly answer it, leaving my half empty box alone, to cross my new room. The last three months have been crazy. Antonio has been gone, we moved into a new house, and Michael and I have been doing so great as of late.
“Hey baby cakes” I answer the phone, love thick in my voice. I smile around my new, much bigger room. I’m so excited for us to break it in together.
“Hey. Are you busy?” he asks me, his voice is dull. It sounds like he has a headache. I look around my room at the piles of
boxes, and then turn my back to the work that needs to be done.
“Just unpacking boxes, but I can talk. What have you been doing today?” I ask him, sitting on the edge of my desk. He pauses, before breathing heavily into the phone. What is his problem? Just before I decide to ask, he answers my own question.
“I’m sorry. I just have a headache. Are you going to the party tonight?” he asks me, and I roll my eyes. I’ve already told him like three times that I am going.
“Yeah. I told you. Coral wants to go, so she can talk to Vicky. I think she’s finally going to let go of the idea of Christine coming back. I’m proud of her. Why? Is everything okay?” I ask him. Remembering the awful break up between Coral and Christine that I witnessed last month.
“Okay. I’ll talk to later at the party. I gotta go. I love you Luke” he says, hanging up abruptly. I look down quizzically at the phone.
What the hell is his deal? I begin to imagine every little thing that could be upsetting him. Maybe his dad went on another of his drunken rampages. I try to push it out of my head as I continue to unpack my boxes. My room is almost set up, which is a relief. I’ve let the boxes sit untouched for over a month. My phone begins to buzz again, and I snatch it back up, annoyed at the constant distractions.
“Hey Coral. What’s up?” I ask her. I almost didn’t answer, but I know how down she can get when she gets to thinking about Christine.
“Hey. I was just letting you know. I’m not gonna be at the party tonight. I’m not feeling well, so anyway, I have to go but have fun. I’ll see you after lunch tomorrow” she says, her voice sounding weird. I try to place it, but decide not even to try,
“Okay, well that’s fine. I’ll see you tomorrow” I tell her, before she quickly gets off the phone, leaving me alone once more.
“Lucas. Dinner’s done” my mom calls from the kitchen, so I rush out of my new room, leaving my phone and the boxes forgotten on the floor. I hurry to the table, sitting in my usual seat. It’s been a pretty quiet time around here. Dinner is usually just Alyssa, mom, and I. I look down, seeing spaghetti steaming before me. My stomach growls slightly. I smile over at my mom.
“Looks good mom” I say, before I dig in. The food is like heaven. I haven’t eaten since yesterday’s dinner. I survey her face, trying to see if it’s a good or bad day. She has more good days lately, but she still misses him. I for one have been much happier without him here.
“Are you still staying over to babysit Jessica?” she asks me, and I nod, my mouth too full to talk.
“I think it’s really nice of you to spend your free time baby sitting for free for them. They better appreciate it” she tells me, a small smile playing at her lips.
“Well, I really enjoy myself over there. I mean I’m always really tired when I sleep over there because I can never sleep, but I love being around them” I tell her, talking about Michael, but she thinks I’m talking about the baby. I smile to myself at my double meaning.
“I think they’re here” Alyssa says suddenly. I look out the window, and see that Michael is waiting in the driveway, his Uncle’s car running and ready. “Why is Michael picking you up?” she asks, looking out the window again.
“I guess he was the only one free to come get me” I say, as I clear my plate off, and slide it into the dishwater. I hurry to my room and grab my phone. After I quickly grab my clothes for tomorrow and brush my teeth, I head out the door.
Michael is quiet, when I slide into the car. I reach over to grab his hand, but he has it clenched in his lap. I look up at his face, and see his eyes are red. He looks like he’s been crying or something. I sit up a little straighter, nervous for what he’s going to say.
He lights up a cigarette, the smell wafting through the car unpleasantly. I continue to watch him closely, as he drives. He’s just finishing his cigarette, when we turn down Vicky’s street. I smile over at him, as we park on the street. He grabs a bottle of his cologne and sprays himself quickly. The smell drives me crazy. He hops out of the car and walks up the driveway.
“Hey” I say, running to catch up to him, he turns to face me, not meeting my eye.
“Have you seen my loving boyfriend? He looks like you, but actually decides to talk from time-to-time” I tell him jokingly, and he actually smiles a little. I grab his hand, before he can pull it away. He lets me this time.
“Are you okay Michael?” I ask him, my concern growing another few levels. He looks like he’s about to cry, but just before he speaks, Sam runs up to throw her arms around me. I turn smiling to face her, and out of the corner of my eye, I see Michael dash inside.
“Lucas, you have got to meet my brother’s friend. He’s so hot. Oh my God, come on” she insists, pulling me into the house. I look around and see that Vicky’s house has been rearranged to fit the party. Usually we have these at Josh’s house, but he didn’t come home for Spring break. Vicky runs up to me, and Sam snorts with laughter.
“Where’s B-Ray?” Sam demands, and Vicky shrugs somewhere behind her. Sam runs off, and Vicky smiles after her. I follow her gaze, just as Sam makes it to the back door. I also see the guy from New Years. His name was Jesse, I think.
“What is she after?” I ask with a smile, meeting eyes with Jesse from across the room. A small lurch in my stomach, causes me to look away. I ignore the feeling and turn back to Vicky.
“A gay guy. I’ve tried to tell her, but does she ever listen?” she asks me, and I shake my head, feeling the laughter come more naturally. Jesse falls from the back of my mind, as I walk deeper into the party with my friend.
“Where’s Coral?” she asks suddenly, reminding me of the weird phone call from earlier. I quickly rehash the call, and she seems to think it’s weird just like me. We laugh about how weird people are sometimes, but Michael is ever present in the back of my mind. Vicky grabs a red cup, and hands it to me, before pulling a bottle of Vodka from the table.
I begin to sip on the vodka, the drink burns my throat, as we continue to walk through the group of people surrounding us. After a surprisingly short time, my cup is empty. I see Sam run back through; her face lit up with a smile.
“Have you heard from Josh?” Vicky asks suddenly, her voice sounds sad, as we turn into the laundry room. We’re alone here, and she jumps up to sit atop the dryer. I follow suit, as I jump atop the washer.
“No, we don’t talk anymore really. I’ve messaged him, but he doesn’t usually respond. I think we’ve reached the era after the break up, where you give up on friendship” I tell her, and she rolls her eyes.
“No. You’ll still be friends. I just wish he wasn’t so busy all the time. I love Sam, but I miss him. We’ve been friends since like second grade” she tells me.
We continue to talk there in the laundry room. We talk about my new house; how much she misses living by me. We talk about Coral, and Josh. We talk about school, and we even talk about the guy Sam is crushing on. His name is Bobby Ray, and apparently, he just moved here from Louisiana. Just then, Michael comes into the back door, and looks at me again. I set my cup down and slide off the washer.
“Can we please talk outside. It’s really important” he tells me, he looks like he’s going to cry again. I nod to Vicky, and she gives me the go ahead to leave her behind. I reach for his hand, but he rips it away, causing my nose to sting, and my eyes to fill with tears.
“What is it Michael? Are you okay?” I demand, but he holds up a finger, as we enter Vicky’s backyard. He leads me over to the old swing-set and gestures for me to sit down, before taking a shaky breath and looking up at me; finally meeting my eyes.
Chapter 30
secret
He leads me over to the old swing-set and gestures for me to sit down, before taking a shaky breath and looking up at me; finally meeting my eyes. I automatically sink onto the swing, before looking back at his now tear-filled eyes. Suddenly a darkness settles between us, and I feel my breath growing ragged.
“What is going on?” I demand, my words sound sharp
, but I’m starting to feel panicked. He’s scaring me.
“Did something happen to your mom? Stephen? Is the baby alright?” I continue, but he holds up a finger, causing me to cut my rant short. I sit up straighter, kicking the dirt beneath me, and propel the swing forward.
“This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do Luke. I hope you understand what I’ve had to go through to tell you this. Promise me that you won’t freak out?” he asks, his voice sounding tired, and shaky.
“How am I supposed to promise that, when you won’t even talk to me about it?” I demand, waving my hands in the air exasperatedly. He doesn’t speak. I know whatever he needs to say must be pretty hard, so I focus on the dirt, as he builds his composure. I can hear him sniff every couple second, so I know he’s crying. I focus on kicking the dirt into a pile, imagining it, as a ruined castle from the medieval times.
“I love you so much babe, and I want you to know that will never ever change. I don’t give a shit how this goes” he swears, his voice sounding muddled with pain. I turn back to him, and see that tears are streaming down his face.
“Oh Michael, come here” I say, pulling him close to me. I put his head against my chest and pat his back lovingly. He cuddles into my heartbeat.
His crying intensifies, as his entire body shakes against me. I can feel the tears building in my own eyes. I’ve never seen him like this. I tell myself right there that if someone died, I’m going to the funeral with him, closet be damned.
“Listen. Whatever it is babe, we will get through this. We will be fine. I will love you through it. I promise not to freak out. I’ll be your rock, and babe you can lean on me” I tell him. He mumbles something that sounds like My feet are on you. I look down, but his feet are nowhere near me.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry Luke” he sobs, much louder now. I look around the yard, but we’re alone. I tilt my head to the side, trying to get the joke. Why is he sorry? His feet are not on me. What the hell is he talking about? I continue to run my hands through his hair, waiting for the key to the missing information.