by Perry Matlin
“Michael your feet aren’t…” I begin to ask again, but then he mumbles it again, and this time I hear something different. I cannot be hearing him right. My sheeted on two. I run the words through my head, until the most likely words pop up. My breath catches in my throat, and my hands freeze.
“I’m so sorry. Please please just fucking kill me” he pleads, sitting up when he notices that I’ve gone still. He looks in my eyes, and I look directly into his swimming blue gaze.
“You what?” I ask, my voice shaking slightly. He looks at me again, before his eyes drop. I reach down and put a thumb under his chin. My eyes are filling with tears, but I force his gaze up ever so gently. I feel my arm shaking, as he finally meets my gaze again. It’s written all over his face.
“You cheated on me?” I clarify. My voice sounds hoarse, it’s barely a choked whisper. He looks at me, his face still for a mere second, before he dips his head in confirmation. My throat bobs, as the tears finally escape. He moves to pull me into his arms, but I push him away. He tries again, and this time I melt into him.
I cry harder than I’ve ever cried. I let him hold me for several long minutes, as I cry into his shirt. I can feel him crying too. His body is shaking with me. We sit there for a long time, until I finally sit up to look at him. He looks away, as I continue to cry. I take a couple deep breaths trying to steady myself.
“Are you okay?” he asks me, his voice sounding broken with every word. I feel sorry for him in that moment. I actually find myself wanting to comfort him.
“You think I’m gonna be okay after that?” I ask him, my voice full of acid, as I go from broken to pissed. I can feel my heart shattering. He leans back slightly, before reaching for my hand. I let him hold it, before I let my mind begin to wander. He cheated on me. When? Where? With whom? Why? The questions are like individual knives in my heart, as I survey everything in the dark yard but him.
“Why?” I ask him simply. He looks confused but doesn’t answer. I decide to push harder.
“Why are you telling me now? When did it happen?” I demand. He takes a deep breath, before moving to scoot closer to me. I don’t stop him, but I don’t let him touch me either.
“It started when we were broken up last summer. I went out with this girl, but we broke it off when me and you got back together” he tells me, and I feel my heart relax. That’s not cheating. I did the same thing.
“Michael that’s not…” I begin happily, but the look on his face tells me there’s more.
“What else?” I say, feeling broken all over again, as he prepares to break me for a second time.
“Then in November we hooked up again. I was with her for about two weeks, then I met another girl” he explains. I hold up a hand, before he can continue.
“How many?” I ask him, begging it to be no more than two. Begging for something to be salvageable. Begging in vain. He looks at me, like that was the one question he didn’t want me to ask him. He looks away from me. Before he chokes out the answer that proves the worst attack of my life.
“Six, and I’m so sorry” he tells me. His tears are streaming again. I can tell that he’s sorry, I’ll give him that. It’s not worth a damn, but he is truly sorry.
“Luke, please fucking please forgive me” he begs, but I can’t talk now. I’m trying to force the vomit back down, as nausea floods my being.
“Why are you telling me this? You’ve been lying to me for almost a year, so why the hell now?” I demand, my eyes filling with tears all over again. He doesn’t like that question, but he takes another deep breath, and stands up. I remain sitting in the swing, moving back and forth ever so slowly. I look around the yard in the silence and see the back-porch light of my old house, and wish more than anything that I could go back there now. I wish for something familiar, as I wait with shaking breath to hear his answers.
“Well Fiona, one of the… one of the girls, well she called me yesterday, and…” he trails off, and I jump to my feet. A shriek of derisive laughter fills the darkness between us. He looks at me, bewildered of the change.
“Wait. You went and got some slut pregnant?” I demand, my laughter hiding the feeling of suffocation in my chest. I laugh to hide my pain, but he sees through it, and just then my laughter transforms into sobbing.
“I didn’t get her pregnant. She’s not pregnant, she’s… she has an STD” he tells me, and I gasp in shock. I was bracing myself for the worst, but I wasn’t expecting that. What he did could literally have physical effects on my life. I sit there, my heart hammering in my chest, as I look at him in a whole new light.
“You went and screwed her, and now I could have an STD?” I ask. Now I know why he finally decided to be honest. We have to get tested. I have to get tested for a disease. I have to get tested because of him. My vision goes blurry, as fresh tears well up in my eyes. He moves to reach for me, but I take a step back. The purple jacket from our hiding place surfaces in my memory. The condom wrapper in the pocket, his quick response. It falls into place. Something withers inside me. The open box of condoms that kept getting emptier, the story about David. Texting his cousin? Fiona… Stephen said he had been out with Fiona last month. I had thought it was his cousin. All the clues are there. I look across every memory, finding the red flags strewn across what I thought was our epic love story.
“Go to the clinic with me Lucas. We can get tested together, and then we can move forward” he tells me, but I’m going on autopilot. I move robotically.
“I’ll pick you up in the morning, and we can go get tested. We need to know what to do. We need to be safe” the words sound so stupid coming from him. I have to stop myself from punching him right in his big stupid face. I rush away from him, leaving him alone with his guilt. I dash back through the laundry room.
Vicky is still sitting on the dryer, and when she sees me run through, I see her following behind me. Sam comes up to me, but I ignore her, as I run for the door. I almost run right into Jesse, as the door come into view. He looks at me, before I brush past him. I rush into the front yard, and slump down in the porch swing.
“You okay Luke?” a voice asks, causing me to look up. I see his blue eyes, and they’re such a difference from Michael’s eyes. I shake my head sadly, before looking back down. I feel him sit down beside me on the swing.
“Here, drink some” he says smoothly, offering me his drink. I take a big sip, expecting vodka or something strong, but find ice cold Dr. Pepper. I drink deeply, not realizing how thirsty I was. Crying will make you thirsty as hell.
“Thanks for that” I tell him, handing the cup over. He nods with a small smile, before leaning back into the swing. I look over at him, as I wipe away the tear tracks.
“No vodka?” I ask, smiling sadly at his half-empty cup. Jesse shakes his head, lifting his chin to give me a beaming smile.
“I don’t drink. If you see me with a cup, expect Dr. Pepper” he laughs then. It’s magical.
“You okay? Do I need to kick someone’s ass?” he asks, only half-jokingly. I smile again, feeling a bit better. I look out at the yard. I can feel a deep sadness settling over me like a rain cloud. I don’t know when I’ll be okay again.
“He cheated on me. I gave him the last year of my life, and he has been cheating nearly the whole time” I vent to Jesse, and he nods in understanding. I pause to look over at him.
“I figured it was something like that, when I saw your face” he says, answering my silent question. I put my face in my hands feeling embarrassed that someone could read me so completely, so easily. He laughs shortly.
“It’s not a bad thing to be easily read. It makes you an honest person” he tells me, and I think about that for a moment. I guess he has a point, but it also makes it easier to get hurt.
“I guess so” I tell him, not wanting to be rude. He chuckles again, and I look over at him. He offers the cup to me again, and I take it gratefully.
“He’s an ass, you know?” he says randomly, pulling me back out of my stu
por. I look around, before realizing he was talking about Michael. I go to defend him automatically, but I stop myself before the first word can escape.
“Why do you say that?” I ask him, a tear sliding down my cheek, as I picture his face, and his smile. I cannot bear to think about him. He broke me.
“You have such a perfect smile. Anyone who is dumb enough to take your smile away is a dumbass. That’s a fact” he tells me. I feel my stomach soar slightly. Not much, just one little feeling, but it makes me feel a little better.
“You’re just saying that to make me feel better though” I tell him, but he shakes his head, snorting. I look at him questioningly. He sits up and turns to face me. Jesse’s face is serious.
“When you get to know me better, you’ll learn that I don’t say things just to say them. If I say something, I mean it” he is leaning in closely now, and his face is just inches from mine. I pull away then, as Vicky comes out of the front door.
“Come on Luke, you can sleep in my room with me” she offers, and I jump up awkwardly. I say good night to Jesse, then take the escape, leaving him smiling alone on the swing. I follow Vicky inside, and through the party. The music is off, and people are gathering to leave. I’m thankful, when everyone is gone fifteen minutes later.
“Thanks for earlier.” I tell her, smiling sadly up from her bed. She waves it away like it’s nothing. She turns the light off, and plops down beside me. I take the opportunity to silently cry myself to sleep in the darkness. I’m glad he did decide to confess to me, instead of trying to hide it, but I wish more than anything that this had never happened. I close my eyes, as the tears continue to flood. My last thought is of the look of brokenness on his face before he told me.
Chapter 31 Examination
I open my eyes and look around. It takes me a few moments to remember that I’m in Vicky’s room. She has her leg sprawled out over mine, and her mouth is slightly open. I lay there silently, as I look into her peaceful face. Her black hair is all in her face, her nose ring reflects the light shining through the small space between the curtains. I let her sleep, as I slowly try to untangle my legs from hers. That’s when I remember everything that happened last night, and my entire life shatters all over again. I feel dirty. I feel like I’m garbage, just filthy garbage that deserves to be thrown away. What did I do to screw it up? Why wasn’t I good enough for him? I must be so disgusting for him to cheat so many times. Am I so unlovable? I push the thoughts away because I don’t want to get stuck into a super deep depression right now. I need to get home first.
“You okay?” Vicky says, her voice scratchy with sleep. I turn my head to look at her and see a cautious smile on her face. I force a smile, before sitting up to lean against the headboard. She sits up as well, and then jumps to her feet. I’m left alone in her room, as she makes her coffee out in the kitchen. I start to smell the scent of the coffee, and it turns my stomach.
“You want something to drink?” she asks, as I come into the kitchen to rest against the counter beside her. I nod my head, before reaching for the bottle of vodka right beside me. She looks at me understandingly, before reaching out to take the bottle from me. I look down, fighting back tears, as she puts the bottle in the cupboard. She replaces it with a cup of ice water, and I drink from it thankfully. I didn’t know I needed it, but I guess I did.
“Thanks Vick” I tell her, before downing the water. After I drink two more glasses of water, I finally feel normal, and turn to face her and the inevitable questions I know she has for me.
“You okay babe?” she asks me, and I shake my head, as a single tear finally cascades down my cheek. She sets her coffee down and moves to pull me into her arms. I step back, with my hands in the air to stop her.
“If you hug me, then I’ll lose it and I need to face this day, so I need to hide the tears until I get into my room. I love you for trying though, I really do” I tell her.
“How about some breakfast?” she asks, and I shake my head again. I couldn’t eat right now. I would throw it all back up with how nauseas I’m feeling.
My phone rings then, and I look over at it. It’s still plugged in on the counter, so I move over to answer it. It’s a private caller, so I hurry to answer it, in case it’s my mom.
“Hello?” I ask into the phone, hearing the dead, hollow sound in my own ears. I bet I sound like a walking dead person to the person on the other end.
“Lucas, please don’t hang up. I just wanted to tell you that we both have appointments at the clinic today, and I was going to drive you, so you don’t have to tell your mom” Michael’s voice explains. To his credit he sounds just as upset as I do.
“I guess that works, what time will you be here to get me?” I ask him. He quickly tells me a time, and I hang up the phone, turning back to Vicky.
“He’s driving me to the clinic so we can get tested” I explain to her, and she blanches. I can see the shock in her eyes, but she holds back her snark for my benefit.
“Thank you, Vicky. I’m going to meet him at the end of the road, so I can get some fresh air, but I will call you later. Thanks again. You’re one of the best things in my life” I tell her. That makes her smile, and she moves to hug me tightly. I leave her then, to head out of her house and down the road. It’s warm outside for being so early. I wipe the beads of sweat from my forehead, as I make my way toward the stop sign. It’s not a far walk.
“Hey, get in” he says, as the car pulls up beside me. I look up at him and feel my heart splinter a little more. I drop my gaze and move to walk around the car.
We drive down the road, and he tries a couple times to make conversation, but I’m not in the mood to talk. We head to the clinic. I watch the trees fly by out the window, as he nervously flips through the stations. I can tell he’s trying to make it up to me because he comes to a stop on a station that’s not God-awful rap music.
Taylor Swift comes from the speakers, and even though I’m still hurt, and everything is upside-down, she makes me feel a bit better. The song is about a cheating ex that just should’ve said no, but he didn’t. I smile bitterly and look over at him. He really seems to be taking the words in. I have to force myself not to comfort him, when I see a tear running down his sweet face. His lying cheating, beautifully, sweet face.
“Please forgive me babe. I love you, and it’ll never happen again” he tells me, never looking away from the road. I reach over, and I turn the radio up to drown out his pleas. I need to ignore him, or everything will fall apart. Right now, I’m not sure what I want, but if I speak then I’ll end it on the spot. I want to keep him. I need him. Don’t I?
“I really wish that you could talk to me about this. I made a mistake, and I know it’s no excuse, but I just don’t want people to know I like a guy” he tells me, which isn’t helping because that’s the other problem that we’ve had. So now he cheated on me because he’s ashamed of me? Both problems wrapped up in one steaming burrito of bullshit.
“Can we please not talk about this right now” I beg him, digging my nails into my palm out of anger. I need him to stop talking, or I’m going to lose it.
We pull into the parking lot of the clinic then, and I feel my heartbeat start to pick up. I’m about to get tested for an STD like some kind of deviant. I decide then to try to not be so judgy because those people could be in my situation, and I’m judging them. I jump from the car and take off at a quick pace. He easily matches my pace and reaches to take my hand. I’m scared now about the appointment, so I don’t slap his hand away. I let him hold my hand because it makes me feel steady. It makes me feel like I’m safe, and that I can get through this. I’m not sure how this will go, but for right now, I’m glad he’s here with me.
“Come on back” the nurse tells me, after waiting thirty minutes for my name to be called. I follow her into the door, and she motions for me to sit down.
We talk for several minutes, and I answer her questions, my voice is hoarse with nerves. I look at all the posters hanging aroun
d the room and read the encouraging messages with a frown on my face. I can’t believe I’m here. I can’t believe that I got to this spot.
The doctor comes back then for the test. Afterward, I puke in the basket beside the bed.
Michael is not in the waiting room, when I get done in the back, so I sit and wait for him, until he comes out several minutes later. We leave together and get back into his car.
We begin the drive back, but now I’m feeling all kinds of gross. He tries to hold my hand again, but I don’t let him. Now that the test is over, and my head is a little clearer, I’m pissed. He made me have to do that. He humiliated me. I cannot believe he would do something so selfish, so risky.
“How did your test go? Aren’t you glad that’s over with?” he asks me suddenly, and I feel something snap within me. I turn to look at him, and my lip curls.
“Glad? You think I’m fucking glad that I just had to walk into that place and get tested for a disease because you don’t know how to be faithful?” I demand, my voice climbing with emotion. He looks taken aback, but I don’t care at this moment. I’m about ready to let him have it all right now.
“Wait. You honestly think I’m glad about it? You think I’m glad that you find me so repulsive that you have to cheat on me not once, not twice, but six fucking times? If you’re that embarrassed of me then why the hell are you even with me?” I demand, my voice at a record high for the morning.
“I’m not repulsed by you. I love…” he begins, but I shoot in to stop him, my voice filled with the acid building in my throat. I look at him, my vision going red.
“Don’t you dare say you love me right now Michael. If you truly loved me, then you would never have done this to me. If you loved me, you wouldn’t be embarrassed to even be friends with me, let alone sleep with me. You’re ashamed of me because I’m a guy, and that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.” I scream, as we come into town. I see that we’re slowing down for a red light and know that my time is coming. And we’re less than a mile from my house, so I’m not too far away to walk.