by Perry Matlin
“Look. I know I messed up, and I know that you hate me right now, but that doesn’t change the fact that I love you. I’m not ashamed of you, and I need you to know that I just can’t have people thinking I’m gay. My family would freak, you know that. You of all people should know that I just can’t…” he says, getting loud with me, but I’ve had enough now.
“You can’t what? Be friends with someone like me, be in love with someone like me?” I demand, before taking my chance. We’re stopped at the light, so I jump out of the car, and walk away. He starts to call after me, but is forced to leave me behind, when the light changes again.
I walk down the road, and hurriedly turn down a small street. I’m trying to get away before he has time to turn around and follow after me. I examine the streets around me and choose one that connects to my street through woods. I dash down the street, and lunge right into the woods. I turn around, once I’m hidden in the trees, just in time to see Michael drive by slowly, looking for me. I leave him behind, and head deeper into the woods, knowing that if I walk for another hundred feet or so, I’ll come out two houses down from where I live. I rush through the brush, and finally the trees begin to thin. My arms, and legs are scratched and bleeding, but I finally emerge onto my street, and look around to make sure he’s not here. When I see that the coast is clear, I make a dash right for my door. Once inside, I hurry to my room, and collapse on my bed and break down completely.
Chapter 32
Escape
I open my eyes, as the sound of the TV fills my ears. Nana must be up already. I roll over, and sure enough she’s sitting at the computer. I sit up and look around groggily. I wish I wasn’t even here. I wish my entire life hadn’t been ruined. I wish my boyfriend wasn’t a steaming pile of garbage. I’ve been here for three days already, and it’s been mind numbingly boring so far. I leave Nana alone in the living room, and dejectedly stumble to the bathroom. Once I’m alone, I slide down the wall and begin to cry…again.
Turning the water on, I try to hide the tears from even myself. I stand under the water, not even bothering to wash myself because it’s only been twelve hours since my last shower. I’ve been taking showers two or three times a day because it’s the only place that I can pretend to not cry. I stand there under the water, until long after the water runs cold. I eventually get tired of standing, so I sink to the floor, and sit against the shower wall. The icy water rains down on me, but it’s no more uncomfortable than the aching pain in my chest. Finally, Nana knocks on the door.
“You okay in there Luke?” she asks through the door. Her voice is filled with worry, but I just brush it off. Reaching up, I turn the shower off, and quickly dry off. When I’m dressed, I wordlessly walk past her, and plop down on the couch. She doesn’t try to talk to me, when she comes back. She knows me well enough to know that I’m hurt but knows me even more not to pry too much. She comes over to sit on the couch with me, so I fold up my bedding, and scoot down. I quietly watch, as she sits through a few crime shows. Usually, I’m all into these, but today they don’t interest me.
After a while, I move over to the computer, and grab a pair of headphones. I’m just about to play some music, when she decides to try again. I roll my eyes.
“What did you wanna have for supper tonight?” she asks, as I look at the loading screen before me. I take a quick breath, and force a small smile onto my face, as I turn.
“Oh, whatever you want Nana. I probably won’t be hungry” I tell her, before turning back to the computer. I hear her take a disappointed breath, as the music starts, and drowns her out. An hour later, the album ends, and I catch the tail end of a conversation between Nana and what sounds like my mother.
“Rebekah, I don’t know what’s wrong with him, but he isn’t eating, he’s not talking, and I’m really starting to worry” Nana says, before silence fills the room. I can hear the sound of my mom on the other end, but her words are unintelligible from across the room.
“Yeah, he went and took a shower, and was in there for two hours. His hair wasn’t even wet when he came out. He’s done that about seven times in three days” she continues, and I blink. Was my hair not even wet? I push play on another album then, and I try to push the words from my head.
I’m just about to log off of MySpace, when a message notification pops up. I automatically click on the message, and my thread with Michael pops up. He’s messaged me probably fifty times in three days. I exit from the message, and notice I also have a friend request. After a quick glance, I accept the request from the guy Jesse. He then immediately sends me a message. I almost delete it, but I remember what he said about meaning everything he says. I could use some honesty right about now, so I click on his message.
Jesse: Hey Lucas! How are you?
Lucas: I’m alive, I think. How are you?
Jesse: I’m great. I’ve just been thinking about you a lot the last few days. I hope you’re okay.
Jesse: Do you want to hand out?
Jesse: Sorry, I meant “Hang out”
Lucas: I’m at my Grandma’s house for the week actually.
Jesse: Oh okay. Where does she live?
Lucas: Chipley
Lucas: Florida
Jesse: I can drive out there, if you need some company?
Jesse: Sorry to ask, I just kinda need someone to talk to
Lucas: It’s fine. Sure. Are you okay?
Jesse: I’m all good. Even better now
Lucas: What time did you want to hang out?
Lucas: I can meet you at the Popeye’s near my Grandma’s house
Lucas: Are you there?
Lucas: Jesse?
Lucas: I’m sorry for spamming you.
Jesse: Why are you apologizing?
Lucas: I don’t know, I’m just messaging you a million times
Jesse: It doesn’t bother me
Jesse: at all
Lucas: Is Popeye’s okay?
Jesse: Sure
Lucas: I’ll get the address
Jesse: I know where it is. There’s only one in town, right?
Lucas: I guess so
Jesse: I’ll be there in two hours
Lucas: See you then
Jesse: Okay Luke. ❤
Lucas: See you then.
Jesse: Actually. How is one hour?
Lucas: That’s fine.
Jesse: Yes! Okay, perfect!
Lucas: Bye Jesse!
I log off the computer, a smile on my face for the first time in days. It stretches my cheeks uncomfortably. I shut the computer down and stand up. Nana is looking at me, and when she sees the smile on my face, she smiles too. I cross the room to my duffel bag full of clothes. She realizes what I’m doing, and finally decides to interject.
“Are you going somewhere?” she asks me, her smile still in place. I finish picking out my outfit, as I answer.
“My friend is coming to meet me at Popeye’s. Did you want me to pick you something up on the way back?” I ask her.
“Yeah okay. I’ll give you my debit card before you leave, and you can bring me back a Cajun chicken meal” she answers. “What’s going on with you though? You’ve been so depressed since you got here, and now you’re beaming” she explains.
I hadn’t really noticed that. I know I feel better. I’m still hurting. That will probably never change, but I actually have something to do to help get the bad stuff off my mind now. I don’t answer her; I just lean down to kiss her on the top of the head. Then I go back to getting ready. A smile on my face the whole time.
I end up getting ready too soon and leave early. I look back at Nana’s apartment, as I cross the street. The wind blows slightly, as I come to the other side of the street. It’s a cool day for March. I stop at the edge of the Popeye’s parking Lot. What should I do, while I wait? Did we even decide to eat here? Or are we just meeting here? I lean against the wall of the auto-repair building. Closing my eyes, I try to calm myself. Now that I’m getting closer my nerves are setting in. Is this a
date? I’m still with Michael though. Aren’t I?
Jesse pulls up a few minutes later. About a dozen internal arguments, and world war 3 within my mind. He’s driving a black car. I have no idea what kind, but it looks shiny, and new. I cross the parking lot and notice that he still hasn’t gotten out of the car. He hasn’t even turned it off yet, so I walk up to the driver’s side window. The window is tinted, but he rolls it down for me.
“Did you want to eat here, or go somewhere better?” he asks me, before I can even say something. I notice that he has the air conditioning on full blast, and some kind of music playing as background. I can also smell him from here. It makes me breathless.
“Sure. What did you have in mind?” I ask him, walking around the car. The door is already open, when I get to it. I slide into the seat next to him and look into his blue eyes. His scent is more prominent inside the car, and I have to control the look on my face. I look away.
“There’s this really good barbecue truck down the road, if you like barbecue that is?” he asks, and I perk up. I love barbecue. He nods quickly, and then turns to the road. I look over at him, as we leave the parking lot. I take in his face, as he pulls up to a red light down the street. He’s so handsome.
“You’re going to love it I think” he tells me, turning to smile at me, before the light turns green. I see that his face still has that slight blush to it. He has his hair slicked back now. A small piece hangs out of place on his forehead. Jesse is wearing a white t-shirt, and dark jeans. I notice he’s wearing a black button-down shirt over the white one. It’s unbuttoned and the sleeves are rolled up. I realize then that I’ve been staring at him silently for a full minute, and I must look like a complete psycho. I try to remember the last thing that he said. We come to another red-light, and he turns to me again.
“So, are you having a good time at your Grandma’s house?” he asks, his lips pulling up in that same perfect crooked smile that I saw at the party where I met him.
“Not really. It’s boring, and when I’m bored, all I think about is…” I begin. I realize then that I haven’t thought about Michael since I left the parking lot. That has to be some kind of record. Jesse seems to understand where my sentence was going because his lips fall back into place. He looks angry now. It’s if possible, even hotter than his smile. I realize that we’ve pulled into the parking lot and are parked now.
We get out of the car, and he walks around the back to walk beside me. I look around. We’re walking in a grassy lot. The wind is blowing slightly, as we come up on the food truck. Jesse steps aside, letting me go first. When I struggle to find something, I look at him. My stomach in knots.
He smiles kindly and walks up to stand beside me. I notice when he places a warm hand on my back.
“I like the pulled pork sandwich, but they also have a really good brisket sandwich. For sides, I usually get the fries and potato salad, but they also have coleslaw, baked beans, green beans, and chips” he explains gently.
My heart flutters again. I order my food, and he follows suit. I choose his usual order. When the cashier asks what drinks we want, he says Dr. Pepper automatically. I remember the taste of it from the other day. I’m not usually a fan of it, but it sounds so good, so I copy him. We go to sit down then. There’s a half dozen picnic tables out front of the food truck, so we find one in the shade, and go to sit down.
“I would have given you more time to choose” he says suddenly. I look down, embarrassed again. He tucks a finger under my chin, and gently force my head upward. I look into his eyes, and he winks at me. It makes me smile again. He seems to take my smile in. It’s like he’s taking a mental picture.
“Don’t let anyone let you feel like that for being nothing more than yourself” he says, his eyes serious, speaking of my instant embarrassment. The blue looks steely now. “You hear me Luke?” he asks again. I whip my head up.
“You have the cutest dimples I’ve ever seen you know?” he tells me. I feel my face heat promptly. Jesse does something then. Something I was not expecting. He kisses me. Right there. I pull away quickly, looking to make sure nobody saw us. Then I realize I don’t care. I lean away still because I can’t do that to Michael.
“I can’t. I’m sorry” I tell him, but he just waves me off. He looks over as the owner brings us our food. He waits for me to take the first bite, and then begins to eat his own food. I feel the need to explain.
“Look, it’s not that I don’t want to. I just don’t know what’s going on with Michael. I don ‘t want to be that person” I tell him, and he nods. He seems to understand.
“I understand. I didn’t think you were still together” he explains. I nod again. I can tell he is surprised. He probably thinks I’m completely dumb for not dumping Michael.
“I just love him. After everything, after all the crap he’s done, I still love him so much” I explain. Jesse nods again. We don’t continue. I remember he had said he needed someone to talk to.
“What was it you needed to talk about?” I ask him, and he just shakes his head with a small smile.
“Nothing. I figured you could use some company and knew you would say no unless you thought it was to help me instead of you” he explains. I snort, while sipping on my drink.
We finish eating. We talk. It’s not awkward like I thought it would be. He drives me back to Popeye’s, and when we pull up, he reaches over to grip my hand, as I get out. I turn to look at him. He’s frowning now.
“Promise me something” he tells me. He doesn’t wait for me to agree. He just continues.
“Do what is best for you, but don’t let someone you love destroy you. If you decide to stay with him, don’t fall for the same lies again. If you decide to end it, then feel free to call me” when he’s finished, I nod. I take one last look at his face, his eyes, and his hand holding mine, and I turn away. He drives away, as I walk into the restaurant. I exhale heavily, feeling the butterflies having a whole party inside my stomach. I decide to push Jesse from my mind then. He helped me escape my feeling for a while, but now it’s back to reality.
Chapter 33
Dread
I roll over and peer at the faint light filtering in through the window. I close my eyes and pull the pillow over my face. I do not want to go to school today. I need another seven thousand years to prepare for the drama about to happen. I mentally weigh the possibility of skipping school. Mom wouldn’t let me stay home again. I already missed the entire first week back to school. It’s been almost two weeks since I hung out with Jesse. My alarm clock goes off then, and I’m forced to get up for the day. Here goes nothing, I guess.
There’s a knock on my door, and I open it automatically expecting my mom. I flinch back, when I see that it’s not her. Antonio is standing in the doorway. He has a nasty little smirk on his face, as he peers into my room behind me. He was supposed to serve a year in jail, but they let him out after four. I wasn’t aware he had moved back in though.
“I’m up” I tell him, but he doesn’t budge. I look at him expectantly, but he just stares at me. I grab my towel off the desk, and wave it around pointedly. Is he just going to stand in my way the whole morning?
“Your mom and me are tired of you locking yourself in your room all the time” he says then. I freeze. I know where this is going. I can feel the weight of his words. I can feel the panic churning within me. They wouldn’t, would they? I realize with dread that they definitely would. They don’t care about what I want. It’s all about him.
“We are going to take your door, so you can stop being a little weirdo” he tells me, his ugly grin flashing again. I can feel my lip, as it curls. I can feel the tears fill my eyes, as he stands there in my doorway. I’ve never hated someone so much in my entire life. I wish he would just die already.
“Okay” I say simply. I don’t have enough left in me to fight about it. I can feel my chest rising and falling rapidly, as a panic attack creeps in. I brush past him then, and head to the bathroom. It’s just across
the hall in the new house, but I don’t make it that far. I feel his hands grip the back of my shirt, and then I’m thrown into the wall. My shoulder takes the brunt of the collision, and I feel pain erupt through my arm. I lose my footing and find myself on the tile floor. He doesn’t give me a moment to catch my breath, as he yanks me back to my feet, and spins me around to face him. He pulls back, backhanding me across the face. My eye feels like it’s burning with fire.
“I’m so sick of your mouth. How much shit do I have to take away, before you act like a normal fucking person?” he demands. I don’t answer. He doesn’t like that. He pushes me into the wall again and turns to my room. I watch defeatedly, as he plunders through my room. He finds my phone, before snapping it in half, then my CD collection, they fly across the room, and land in a mess by my closet, then he picks up my stereo, and rips the cord from the wall. He stoops to pick up the mess of CDs on his way back out and takes it all into the room where my mom is sleeping.
I can feel the blood running down my leg from where my knees collided with the floor. My shoulder is pulsing with pain, my eye feels like it’s welling shut, and my stuff is ruined. He comes back then, and heads back into my room. That’s when he takes my books. It’s not a huge collection, but it’s mine. I begin to cry then. I barely notice, when he takes the entire door off the hinges. When he’s finally done, he leaves me in the hall. I’m sobbing at this point, and his only response is a completely infuriating chuckle, as he goes back to bed. I’m left alone with nothing left inside.
After several long minutes of crying, I get to my feet, and head into the bathroom. Looking in the mirror, I take in my appearance. My eyes are red and puffy, the left one swelling rapidly. There isn’t a handprint luckily, but there is a large bruise forming across my face. My shirt is torn at the collar and hanging off of my right shoulder. My neck has a series of scratches from where he grabbed me. I put my leg on the counter and see that my knee has a large gash and is still bleeding copiously. I pull the shirt away from my shoulder and see with disgust that it’s already bruising. The skin is already a sickly purple color. I look rough. I look away then.