Stay Beautiful

by Perry Matlin

  After my shower, I head into my now destroyed room. I grab a pair of jeans to cover my knee, and a shirt. I then top it off with a hoodie. Finally, I finish everything up, and head back to the bathroom. My eyes still are rimmed with red, but nothing else is visible thanks to my mom’s makeup. Part of me wants to show it off. It would serve them right if people at school found out. Then I could live somewhere better, healthier for my sanity. I couldn’t do that to my mom. She’d have nobody if I left her. My sisters don’t care enough to protect her. I dig my nails into my arm then. The pain is abrupt, and sharp. It makes me feel calmer.

  I walk to my bus, and silently sit in my usual seat. The aide is busy, so I get to stare out the window, until we pull up at school. I’m still shaking slightly, as I head into the locker hall. Aimee is sitting at our usual place, so I head over to her. I look around, but none of our other friends are there.

  “Where is everyone else?” I ask her simply. She looks around, startled at my sudden appearance. I can tell she’s upset too, so I sit down across from her.

  “Coral is sitting outside for some reason, and is being super weird” she explains, before continuing. “Miss Bitch-face is no longer speaking to us commoners, and JB cheated on me so there’s that” she explains.

  “Have you been crying?” she asks me suddenly. I hadn’t realized she was looking at me. I look down and laugh nervously. I know I shouldn’t be scared to tell her. I’ve secretly liked Aimee the best for a while.

  “Yeah, Antonio is back. He took my door off the hinges, and took my phone, radio, and all of my CDs” I explain, and she whistles under her breath. She knows how he can be. She’s heard the stories. She reaches out and places a comforting hand on my shoulder. I wince away, as she touches the sore spot. She looks at me again.

  “What the hell did he do to you?” she asks me, reaching to pull the hoodie away from my shoulder. She hisses softly, as she takes in the nasty bruise. Then she notices the makeup.

  “He shoved me, and my shoulder hit the wall” I explain. I can tell she wants to say more, but the bell rings at that moment, so we grab our stuff to leave. I turn to leave her.

  “You need to tell someone Luke. You can’t let him keep hurting you like this. He’s not going to stop” she says. Her face is pale, her lips look like they might be trembling. I flash her my biggest smile and reach out to her. We make our way through the halls, and just before Aimee goes to turn down a different hall, she pulls me into a tight hug. I feel her arms snake around me, and it feels nice. I return the hug and hear her breathe in my scent. I pull away then.

  “Thanks Aimee” I say simply, before leaving her behind. I head right to class and slip into my seat without a word. Aimee used to sit right beside me, but her schedule changed for the second semester. Coral is sitting three seats behind me, her head in her hands, as we wait for the teacher to begin class. What is going on with her? I remember then that she was being weird before the break. She skipped the party and everything. I try to call for her, but the class is too loud. The math teacher stands up then, and with a beaming smile, she begins our lesson on slope.

  I go through the day in a daze. The classes seem to fly by, and before I know it, the bell rings for lunch. This is the part of the day I’ve been dreading because I always see him at lunch. I get to my feet, and trail behind the rest of the class. For once, I’d rather stay in Biology than go to lunch. Eventually, even my slow pace carries me to the cafeteria. I head into the line, even though I’m not hungry. I again try to take my sweet time, but sooner than I’m ready I leave the cash register behind, and I’m walking through the cafeteria. I look around, as I approach the door, and then I’m outside.

  Walking down the stairs, I look for him. I see immediately that he’s not at his usual table. There is a group of girls sitting there today. I relax a little, but the feeling in my stomach stops me. I see my friends from a distance, but I’m not in the mood to talk to anyone right now, so I veer to the right, and go sit behind the steps. I just need some time to myself right now. Sitting down, I look down at my food. It doesn’t look appetizing, but I pick up the slice of pizza and take a bite anyway. I’m just finishing the slice when someone stops before me. I look up, and sigh.

  Christine is standing before me, and she has a horrifically ugly look on her face. I don’t know why, but it makes me burst into laughter. Not like a haha funny laugh, but a kind of hysterical laugh. She tilts her head to the side, surveying my laughter. I’m about to tell her to go away, but she finally decides to open her mouth and say something.

  “Are the others coming to sit over here?” she demands, her voice not rude, but not kind either. I shake my head, motioning over to our usual spot. I just want her to leave me alone. I’m not in the mood for any of her useless drama. I have way too much crap on my mind. I don’t have time for her.

  “Oh, okay then. Well bye I guess” she says, and she sounds kinder now. I watch as she walks away then. Maybe she’s just sick of Coral, just like I am. I decide then that maybe not everything is black and white. Maybe not everyone is all good, or all evil. My mind goes back to Michael. I let the memories come forth then. I embrace them. When I thought he said his feet were on me? They hurt, but they are necessary, if I’m going to decide about us. I suddenly realize that I’m going to give him another chance. Not because he deserves it, but because I love him too much not to.

  A part of me knows that the decision was made the night he told me. I had so many emotions boiling under the surface, but I remember the urge to comfort him, to hold him. I wanted to forgive him from the beginning. I realize then that even though I’m hurt, and I will be for a long time, making the decision good or bad has made all the difference. I was having so much anxiety over what to do. I relax then and begin to stare off into the crowds of people eating their lunches. I wish I was happy like them. I wish I wasn’t broken. I wish he hadn’t shattered the image of him I had been holding onto.

  I know it’ll be hard to move on from this, and I know we’re going to have to work hard to get back to where we were, but I also know that it’ll be much easier for me to heal, if I don’t have to grieve our relationship at the same time. He can help me heal. He can help me recover from this. The bell rings then, and I stand up immediately. Avoiding the eyes of my friends, I throw my half-eaten lunch away, and race through the crowd. I make it back to class before anyone, so I open my textbook, and begin taking notes on the chapter for tomorrow. I still feel horrible, but I feel better. I have a plan.

  Later that day, I walk down the steps of the bus, and look at my house. It was so exciting to move here, but now it’s no different than any other house because of him. I know this is going to be hard. I may have come up with a plan to recovery with Michael, but my home life is about to suck ass. I don’t have a door, I don’t have music, and I don’t have a phone to distract me from the screaming I know will start soon. I open the door, and head inside. Antonio is in the kitchen and seems to be in a good mood for once in his life. I walk by without a word.

  “Luke, come here for a minute” he calls after me, before I have a chance to go down the hall. I turn to face him, looking down at the floor, as he walks up to me.

  “I’m making steak for dinner” he tells me, and even though I feel sick at his voice, my stomach growls at the words.

  “I put your door back and gave all your stuff back dude” he tells me, and my heart leaps. Is he actually being nice to me?

  “Lisa is getting a new phone, and she said you could have hers, since yours is broken” he continues. I don’t answer at first, but I feel my face light up. He thinks I’ve forgiven him. He thinks he’s won.

  “I’m the best step-dad ever huh?” he exclaims, pulling me into a weird hug. I stiffen, but he doesn’t seem to notice.

  “I’ll let you know when it’s done” he tells me, before releasing me. I leave him then. I make my way back to my room. My stuff is piled on my bed, and the new phone is on my pillow. I quickly lock my door and turn back
to my stuff. It only takes me a few minutes to put it all in the right place, and then I lie down. The smell of the food is glorious to my nose, and I feel myself smiling. My stuff is back, I’m going to take Michael back, and everything is going to be better from now on. This is the best I’ve felt in three weeks.

  Chapter 34

  End

  I smile, as I walk from first period. Today is going to be a good day. I know it. Coral actually talked to me, I might see Michael, and I might fix everything in my life. I look down at my phone, and see that Jesse sent me a text. I ignore it, when I think of how Michael would feel. I slide the phone back into my pocket and turn down the hall for second period. As soon, as I round the corner, I see him. Michael is standing about ten feet in front of me. He’s speaking with a teacher, and he has a bright smile on his face. I can’t help but smile.

  He turns to leave, and his eyes meet mine. The blue is visible even through this distance. I make my way over to him, my stomach doing flips the whole time.

  When I fall into step beside him, he looks around before bumping my hand playfully with his own. I smile, before realizing we have a huge conversation ahead of us. I look around, and then motion for him to follow me. He does so wordlessly, so I hurry away from the main traffic of the hall. He goes to speak, but I hold a finger to my lips, as we approach the turn I’m looking for. I motion for the door, and we run.

  Once outside, we head right past the unmanned auditorium doors, and down to the overpass to leave school. I look around, scared of being caught, but nobody is out here, so we continue, until we are safely across the highway. I finally turn to him.

  “I think we should talk” Michael says, beating me to the punch. I smile at the awkwardness between us. He laughs too, but his laugh is more nervous than anything, so I reach out my hand, and grip his fingers softly. I want him to know this isn’t a bad talk, but a good talk. A forgiveness talk. He looks down at our hands but doesn’t pull his away for once. I smile at that.

  “I missed you so much Lucas” he tells me, and I look up to see him looking at me now. I nod my head because if I talk right this second, I’ll break down crying. He continues.

  “I hope you know how sorry I am, and I hope you know that I don’t want to be that guy” he explains, and I have to force myself not to scoff. I’ve already decided to forgive him, but that sounded really dumb for some reason. I hold it back though.

  “I know. I know Michael” I say, my voice cracking. I have a lump in my throat, and I can feel my eyes filling with tears. This might be harder than I was expecting. I look up again, blinking back tears.

  “I did a lot of thinking while I was gone, and I was really mad and hurt at first, and I still am, but I realized that I love you more than I hurt. I’d rather heal with you by my side, and I’d rather have you there. I don’t want to have to heal from this and grieve you at the same time. I love you way too much to give you up, so I guess you’re stuck with me” I tell him with a small, hollow laugh.

  He looks shocked in that moment. I wave him to follow me down the street, as I continue.

  “You have to promise me this will never ever happen again. I am trusting you” I tell him, putting some force in my voice.

  He looks down, as we turn down a small street. I notice then that we are wandering in the general direction of both our houses. I can tell he wants to say something, so I give him some time as we walk quietly down the row of houses. When Michael comes to a stop outside of a pair of tan town-houses, I fill in the space between us. I reach for his hand, but this time he does pull away. Not in a way that hurts, but it makes me realize something is wrong with him. I feel panic rise up in that moment. It is a roaring monster, it is deadly.

  “What’s wrong Michael?” I ask him, and though my voice sounds flat, my insides are as chaotic as the ocean. My fear is rolling in tsunami after tsunami. He looks at me then, and I can see the tears shining in his dark blue eyes. They are so deep today.

  “I don’t deserve you. I screwed up, and that’s on me. I haven’t done anything to make it right, but you’re just so ready to take me back like it’s nothing. How can you forgive me so easily?” he asks, and I find myself laughing. It’s a heavy sound, one that causes me physical pain. He seems shocked by my outburst. “What the hell?” he questions, staring at me bewildered.

  “It’s not easy. Don’t you get it? This is hard for me but losing you would be even harder. Losing you is the thing I can’t handle, so we will work it out, and we will move on because it’s the only outcome I can handle” I reiterate my reasoning. He seems to grasp it this time, as he looks away again. Reaching into his jeans pocket, he pulls out his pack of cigarettes and pulls one out. Placing the cigarette between his lips, Michael swiftly lights it, and breathes it in with an urgency of a drowning man. He exhales the smoke, blowing it away from us, as he steps toward me.

  “I don’t know if this is the right… the right thing to do” he tells me, as he starts walking again. He takes another drag of the cigarette, the smell causes me to scrunch my nose, as he walks closer to me. That’s when I actually take in his last words. Tears fill my eyes. He realized he deserves better. I knew it. I knew when he admitted to cheating, that he did it because I’m not good enough. The insecurities are dark rain clouds, hovering over me. They creep in, closing in around me. My chest is tight, as I look back at him. He’s looking away from me.

  “You don’t want me?” I ask him, my voice barely above a whisper. He stops then. He throws his cigarette down, smashing it into the dirt with his foot. We’re standing by the dilapidated apartment complex down the street from my house. They were closed for renovations a while ago and haven’t opened since. I look everywhere but at him. I don’t want to see the truth in those blue eyes. I don’t want to see the guilt, the pain. I look at the apartments. Rough stucco, almost mustard yellow. One of the windows is boarded in the front. I take everything in, except for him.

  “Of course, I do, but I’m not sure if I deserve another chance” he explains, and suddenly it all falls away. I do something I never planned. I grab him by the shirt and pull him to me roughly. When his body collides with mine, I force my lips to his. He hesitates at first, but then he kisses me. It’s the most public kiss we’ve ever shared. It’s urgent, sad, beautiful, painful. It’s everything. When we finally break apart, he looks down at me. A smile crosses his face then, it lights up, as he takes me in. He leans down and kisses me again. Deeper, softer this time.

  A car turns down the road then, and instead of pushing me away, like I was expecting, he continues to kiss me. The car drives by, and soon its engine is out of earshot again. After what feels like a lifetime of kissing, our lips part. He steps back, and I open my eyes again. We’re still standing in the exact place as before, the trees are the same, almost no time has passed, and everything is constant, but yet it’s all different. I feel like something has aligned. Everything is the same to the naked eye, but to me, it’s different. Nothing will ever be the same again.

  “Do you wanna sneak into one of the apartments?” he asks me, and I look around. They’re right there. It would be so easy. My heart skips a beat, as I imagine us in there. Alone, undisturbed, together. A blush creeps up my face, but then I think of the icy clinic, the test I had to take, the complications that sex caused before. I realize then that I may not be ready for that again.

  “Why don’t we walk down to my house? Nobody is home, so we can watch a movie and eat lunch” I tell him. He nods, looking slightly disappointed, but then it’s gone. He is smiling again. We turn from the apartments then, and head down the road to my house, his hand gripping mine lovingly.

  Two days later, the bus pulls over on the side of the street, and I jump to my feet. Running down the stairs, I leap onto the pavement. Looking around, I make sure nobody is home at our house, before running up to my window. I pop the screen off and open my unlocked window. Sliding my backpack in, I close the window and leave my room behind. I don’t look back, as I make my way i
nto the backyard. The yard isn’t fenced, so I race through the alley between our road, and the one behind us. I head right through the familiar line of cars, a smile on my face.

  I’m just rounding the corner to Michael’s street, when I see his mom pulling out of the driveway. I hurry over to her, flashing my smile for her. She returns it, rolling the window down to speak to me. The air conditioning hits me like an icy breeze.

  “Hi, Mrs. Summer! How are you? I was free this afternoon and was going to see if you needed a babysitter today?” I lie smoothly, but she just shakes her head, flicking the ashes from her cigarette out of the window. I notice then that the baby is in the backseat. There goes my alibi.

  “Oh no sweetheart, we’re off to see the doctor, but Stephen and Michael are over at their Uncle’s house, if you want to hang out? She says, her smile growing. She has always liked me.

  “I gave them money to get some pizza” she informs me. We talk for a few more minutes, but then she says goodbye, and pulls out of the driveway. I’m left alone again. I look around, deciding whether I want to take that long walk or not. I decide he’s worth it, so I take off running. Almost sprinting all the way to my old house. After a surprisingly quick run, I come to a stop in front of his uncle’s house.

  It’s just in sight of my old house, which is still empty. It looks so ominous from here. I think about all the fun things I did in that house, all the memories, as I make my way down the driveway to the house. I notice three things immediately. Stephen’s bike is still here, their uncle’s car is gone, and the front door is open. I pause again, trying to catch my breath. I’m pouring down with sweat and looking forward to how cold I know the backroom is going to be. I walk the rest of the way, trying to mop the sweat off my face. I reach up and knock on the glass screen door.