The Bastard

by V. K. Ludwig

  “I didn’t drink the water,” the words came out a whisper between her blue lips.

  Rowan cocked his head and crossed his hands in front of his chest. “Excuse me?”

  Adair pinched the bridge of his nose. “She didn’t take her water.”

  “Shut the fuck up,” Rowan snarled. “I got what she said. I just want her to repeat it because I cannot believe how she could be so stupid. Why the hell would you not drink the water? Why? So you can tell everyone back home what savages we are?”

  “I… I…,” Ayanna stammered. “I don’t know. I guess I was curious and… but he didn’t rape me and each time he touched me I wanted it.”

  “Each time?” Rowan stomped over to me and took a wide stance. “How many times did you have sex with her?”

  I held up two fingers, winked and clicked my tongue.

  “Motherfucker,” he said, recognizing my achievement with a quick nod before he bared his teeth once more. “But if she didn’t drink her water and…”

  He turned around and stared at Ayanna who fumbled the tips of her hair. “Any chance you might be pregnant?”

  I was just about to holler a pride ‘hell yeah’ into the room, but Ayanna shook her lowered head. “No.”

  My heart shrank to half its size, and I gulped down some more blood. Ok, technically she wasn’t pregnant yet, but surely she has to know that it can still happen in the next few days. Right? They taught that stuff in the Districts… natural procreation and shit.

  “Now, here is the big question.” Rowan took a step towards Ayanna who shrank back. “Are you going to marry this idiot? If so, you better tell me now because the council would want to hear it. Are you going to take responsibility for your actions? Or are you going to let him choke on a two feet thick layer of ash so packed, nothing won’t grow underneath it for at least another hundred years?”

  Her entire body froze, except for her head which shook from side to side like a metronome low on battery. Can’t say it surprised me. Couldn’t blame her either. She had a decent home to go back to, where rape was a word they barely ever pronounced, and where the government lasted longer than a few years.

  Rowan could have snapped my neck like a match right then and there, and he would probably have done me a favor by it. At least I wouldn’t have to see her leave, taking my son with her.

  From here and on, I had lost control over pretty much everything in my life. But I might still influence how we would part. She could leave knowing Rowan will exile me. Or she could go, thinking I’ll be ok.

  A sharp huff escaped Rowan’s mouth. “I gotta get out of here. Bring them home so they can get ready for tomorrow. I’ll be in my cabin, but I don’t wanna see or hear any of you unless the mountain clan is approaching with an army.”

  He left through the side door which slammed so hard, a framed Patriots flag dropped to the floor. Adair sat on the floor with his back towards the flames and smirked.

  “You little jerk.” Razor-sharp pain shot through my jaws, as if someone had kissed me with a baseball bat, and radiated down my neck. “How did you know?”

  “You’re not serious, right?” Adair asked and glanced over at Oriel who rolled his eyes. ““I’m coming baby. I’ll put that load right inside of you — that kinda gave it away, don’t you think?”

  “That was a private conversation,” I said in my defense. Not that it would have changed much, but it had to be pointed out. You don’t go eavesdropping on people while they’re doing the dirty. Who does that?

  “If you want a conversation to be private,” Adair said, “you shouldn’t scream it. But it’s not like your dirty talk was needed, because the way you guys lived up your moans and grunts was enough. Or the smell of sweat and shame that lingered in that room once you were done. Or the —”

  “I thought you guys were my friends.” I pointed at Adair. “Forget what I said, because it doesn’t include you.”

  Oriel grabbed a first aid kit from his pack and rummaged through the compartments. “That doesn’t exclude you from the rules, man. You fucked up big time. Not just for yourself, but for all of us. I told you when we were out there, River, this thing was huge. And you blew it.”

  “Huge?” I raised my brow, and a drop of blood trickled along the side of my face. “The only huge thing here is that guy over there by the fire. A huge asshole.”

  Oriel sprayed a disinfectant on my brow, jaw and the side of my lips, which stung like ant piss and made me scrunch my nose.

  “No, seriously,” Oriel said. “What if this would have worked out? The council might have considered sending more women here for exchanges, or maybe they would have allowed some of us in the Districts. They tried to merge fifty or sixty years ago, so it’s not all that unrealistic.”

  My laugh turned into a bubbly cough. “You know, I have a terrible ringing in my right ear, and I considered that I might have some brain damage now. But hearing you talk makes me feel a whole lot less concerned about my own head.”

  Cast down and terrified, Ayanna stood a reasonable distance from me, her eyes wet and her stare uncertain. Sure, she has never witnessed a seven feet guy swing his clenched knuckles into another guy’s face, no bat required. To be honest, I’d say Rowan went easy on me. At least I still had my eyes left, allowing me to gaze over her small tits, long legs, and round ass just a little longer.

  I waved her to me. “It’s alright, gorgeous. Just a few bruises I guess.”

  She dragged her feet over the ground as if her body remained paralyzed by what had happened here. I never wanted her to see something like that, and a bad taste settled on my tongue.

  “No,” Oriel said. “Not exactly. Now hold still while I stitch that jaw up.”

  She kneeled down beside me, but her eyes refused to meet mine. Instead, she grabbed my hand and squeezed it the way she had done so many times before. A simple gesture, but it put me at ease, and my heart returned to its steady beat.

  The thread, scarlet red, pulled through my skin and squeaked whenever Oriel gave a tug with the curved needle. I wanted to scream, but that would have scared Ayanna even more. With a cleft in my face and the surrounding skin torn, I breathed the pain through gritted teeth.

  “I thought he would kill you,” Ayanna whispered.

  Oriel nodded. “Guess we had the same idea then. There. All stitched up. You’re gonna look even more handsome now, just give it a week or two. I’ll take Uncle Peter home real quick and give you two a moment.”

  He snapped his fingers at Adair, but he sat cold-faced with the flames blazing away behind his back.

  “Don’t be a jerk,” Oriel snarled. “He’s already on death row… can’t kill a man twice, now can you?”

  Even after they closed the door behind them, Ayanna’s voice remained silent, and her eyes focused on the sand grains of my pants. Does she feel responsible for this mess?

  “He will send you to the Ash Zones, isn’t he? You’ll die out there, and that’s nobody’s fault but mine. I can’t save you River, I can’t give you… I can’t… I…”

  Her words turned to sobs in her mouth and tears welled out of her wild and unbridled. Loaded with rocks of guilt, my heavy stomach tightened, and I sniffed away my own tears. This woman might have been my downfall, but I had no reason to drag her down with me.

  “Don’t cry,” I said. “It looks bad now, but things will —”

  “They won’t.”

  “Hey, hey, hey.” I cupped her face and turned her head to look at me. “Listen to me. Ok? Are you listening?”

  Her sweeping eyelashes hung heavy with tears, framing her sad eyes in a mix of desperation and regret. I had to do it, or she would blame herself for the rest of her life.

  “Guess what?,” I asked. “He can’t send away his only engineer, now can he? He heard it from your own mouth — we both wanted it. There’s gonna be a bit of drama for a while and finger pointing, but things will calm down soon enough.”

  She bore her eyes into me, scavenging for the truth
behind my words. Heat built up around my collar as if I wore a sweatsuit, but I couldn’t tug it, or her eyes would nail down the repulsive reality.

  Her pained stare softened some. “I’ve never seen anyone attack another person like that. I thought he would choke you to death, and there was nothing I could do.”

  “Yeah.” I forced a smile on my lips, which burned like hot oil on ice-cold hands. “Everyone knows Rowan has a bit of a temper. I guess it’s good in some ways, or he probably wouldn’t be cut out to be chieftain. But he always calms down fast after he boiled over; it’s just the way he is. You have to trust me on that.”

  Chapter 25

  Lucky father

  Ayanna

  My face pressed against the cold window of the loft, staring at the doe and her little one, who nibbled on grass right underneath my eyes. They dug their noses into layers of leaves, pushed them over, and retreated to yet another spot. The moon twisted their bodies into long-legged shadows, like a surreal painting of inner certainties. Heavier than ever before, the blanket held on to my body like a straightjacket — perhaps I even belonged in one, but I kicked it away all the same.

  Everything had grown silent around me, even the whistles from underneath the front door which had woken me so many times. Acorns clung to branches and refused their fall into the abyss, but I climbed right down the ladder without a fifth thought. River’s chest rose and fell in a rhythmic pattern, so reliable, I could count the seconds by it. I would never see him like this again, and I stood there, almost lifeless, and my eyes feasted on him one last time.

  His face reminded me of a bruised mango, orange, purple and yellow, and swollen so overly ripe it might burst at any moment. The brutality of his world shook me to the core. How would a harsh place like this produce something so full of love? Not that I understood any of it. My dad was right — they bred it right out of us.

  I grabbed his jacket, which wrapped me in his musky scent like his body might have in a different reality. With my boots on my feet, I took one last look at him. One arm hung lazily over the edge of his mattress, his fingers rested on the weathered wood boards, and the pillow hung halfway into his face.

  I couldn’t risk any unwanted attention and hurried down the path with quick but certain steps. The humidity clung to my cheeks, like an old wet rag, and the breeze froze them until they tingled. Slipping over leaves, rocks, and roots, I fought myself through the nothingness of the night, accompanied by only the moonshine and the occasional rustle between the undergrowth.

  Dark and quiet, the longhouse reminded me of a drunkard sleeping off the turmoil caused by the heated argument from earlier. Except for the three guards who did their rounds, each one carrying a flashlight. And not even the regular ones. No. The kind that shone five-hundred feet and would render you permanently blind if it ever as much as flirted with your eyeballs. Dang!

  One of them sat in front of the longhouse and watched something on his holo-band, hollering a laugh between projections of comedians in awkward situations. I had seen that one before — a classic! Another guard walked back and forth between two homes and kept an eye on the Western mountain ridge. A sore spot for everyone who lived here, and the direction of threat coming from the mountains. The third guard, however, paced around the clinic, whistling a merry tune. Damnit!

  How could I be so naïve? Worried and fidgety, clueless like a mouse in the wide open, I gazed over the situation at hand. My heart raced, and my brain chilled at the thought of what might happen if they caught me. I could see River’s face right in front of me: his lower lip in trembles, biting back tears of disappointment and betrayal. He can never find out. Guilt leaped at my throat and threatened to choke me until I passed out. It was no good — at least one thing might still be saved.

  I sneaked over the leaves, no louder than the wind, and closed in on the clinic. A rancid barrel stashed me away behind it for a moment as I waited for my chance to hurry over to the door on the side. Long hairy legs crawled over my nape. Eew! Slow and curious, they tickled along my skin sending goosebumps all over my body. Guess now is the time to show what I am made of.

  I pressed my eyes together, pretending the sensation didn’t even exist. It’s not even there. Not even there.

  “I gotta take a piss,” the guard’s radio blasted and my ears pricked. Bingo! He walked off and replaced the other guard, who shuffled off with a bounce in his walk. This is my chance! But my body hesitated as if frozen in the moment, foreboding of a crappy idea and an even crappier execution.

  Crawling along the wall, I climbed up three steps and ducked. The light above me flickered and buzzed as if the bulb struggled for its dear life. Cold and rusty, the handle gave a soft shriek. I pushed it down with the tiniest pressure of my fingertips. Locked!

  Not to worry, I got that one covered. I pulled the door lock opener-thing from my pocket which River had used at the school, and the massive thing screeched open.

  “Hey did you hear that?” a guard shouted from around the corner and my blood pumped faster. I crouched down, pushed the door wider and crept inside. As I closed it as slowly as possible, I continued to pull the handle down to make it near soundless.

  Artificial light shone through the window, and boots shuffled on the other side. Please don’t catch me! A “Nothing” echoed from the clinic wall, the shuffles died down, and the light disappeared.

  With nothing illuminating the building but stray speckles of light, my eyes darted from one gray door to the other along the hall. Dented like the surface of the moon, the walls told stories of stretchers, wheelchairs and portable ultrasound units. I scurried through the building but didn’t dare stand up tall. Adrenaline pumped through my veins as if I was some sort of secret agent, on my way to steal weapon plans, sneaking and crouching around corners.

  By the time I reached the door to the lab, sweat had covered my body although I could see my breath rise with every puff I gave. Worn out and nervous, I opened it like freshly oiled and stepped inside the room. Without the robotic arms, interactive holographs and centrifuges, the lab reminded more of a well-loved man cave than a place of serious science.

  Windowless and cramped with dozens of cabinets, the light bulbs clacked and hummed right above my head. Old-fashioned microscopes stood about on tiled workbenches, surrounded by smudged Petri dishes and toppled bunsen burners. In the right back corner, scuffs and scratches showed either the use or the old age of a black leather chair.

  I walked over and flung myself into it, sinking deep into the cushion until the springs ground against my seat bones, and flung my head back. How about I just turn around and go back home? My conscience hit me like ice cold water and set my guts into a nauseating knot of bile and disgust for myself. Get it together, Ayanna.

  This wasn’t home and never will be. In a few months past, I will have what I came for, and River will find the woman he deserves. The thought squeezed my chest like an orange on a Sunday morning, and I quickly grabbed a magazine from the side table. Naked women in suggestive poses: they pushed their big breasts out with a hand between their legs. They arched their backs, presented their hind ends with a wink on their face and sucked on their index finger. Weird. Why would a lab need that kind of literature? It’s not like I have never seen that kind of smut, but the council outlawed it years ago to avoid questions.

  I startled. A loud hum sounded from the black cabinet in front of me —first shrieky then a low tremble, and air circulated in the little corner swishing up a whiff of dust and coolant. I kneeled down in front of it and let my eyes wander across the surface.

  The silver door handle looked different from the other cabinets; broader and more elongated. Above the cabinet, a tube of what appeared to be hand cream slow-danced to… vibrations?

  I pulled the handle. Clack. A bright light shone on the inside. Coldness pushed out from between the gap. Even before I had a chance to peek, I knew I had found what I came for.

  Small containers stood stacked in rows of three, each one sea
led with a blue lid. Handwritten names, dates, and codes of some sort gazed back at me from white labels, turning my head into a dizzy wreck. Adair, Oriel, Einar, and others presented themselves like spruced up little treasures, and although I knew his name wasn’t in there, my eyes went searching anyway — so desperately, they burned seconds later. I hoped, no, I wished his name would show up on a label; maybe somewhere all the way in the back?

  Heat crept into my cheeks and continued down into my core where it consumed me from within like a deadly parasite. I pushed the door shut and slouched back into the chair, a tear pouring from my eye and dribbling down the black leather where it disappeared in the crannies.

  What the hell is wrong with me? Thickened by the huge sobs, I held back, my throat clenched and tightened until it crumbled, and shot out of me like a burst dam. Unmanaged, I cried under moans and grunts, all the while searching for explanations or a sense in all this. Why this sadness and despair? Rowan won’t send River to the Ash Zones, and I will have a child, so why is all this shredding my heart into pieces?

  I pushed back my sleeve and rubbed the tips of my fingers over my skin, up and down until the movement turned into a mantric rhythm. What if I marry him? No, this is just the hormones talking. I should never have slept with him. Should never have touched him, or felt him inside me.

  Taking a deep breath, I rubbed my palms over my face and pushed the tears deep into my pores. I grabbed a tissue from the side table, blew my nose and threw it in the yellow wastebasket with the skull print on it.

  The hum of the fridge rumbled low and irregular, with the occasional stutter as if it had seen better days. Inside, the light shone even brighter now, or perhaps that’s what I told myself. My hand glided from left to right and back again, like a pendulum powered by indecision, darting forward and pulling back empty-handed. As if I had to choose between smallpox and cholera, I closed my eyes and grabbed into the darkness. Cold and with no weight to it to speak of, the container chilled my fingers as much as it froze my blood. I pushed it into my little computer where it would stay cool for up forty-eight hours. Enough time for me to get out of here, and bring this shameful chapter of my life to an end.