The Monikins

by James Fenimore Cooper

  CHAPTER VIII. AN INTRODUCTION TO FOUR NEW CHARACTERS, SOME TOUCHES OFPHILOSOPHY, AND A FEW CAPITAL THOUGHTS ON POLITICAL ECONOMY.

  The group which drew my attention was composed of six individuals, twoof which were animals of the genus homo, or what is vulgarly termed man;and the remainder were of the order primates, and of the class mammalia;or what in common parlance are called monkeys.

  The first were Savoyards, and may be generally described as beingunwashed, ragged, and carnivorous; in color swarthy; in lineaments andexpression avaricious and shrewd; and in appetites voracious. The latterwere of the common species, of the usual size, and of approved gravity.There were two of each sex; being very equally paired as to years andexternal advantages.

  The monkeys were all habited with more or less of the ordinary attire ofour modern European civilization; but peculiar care had been taken withthe toilet of the senior of the two males. This individual had on thecoat of a hussar, a cut that would have given a particular part of hisbody a more military contour than comported with his real characterwere it not for a red petticoat that was made shorter than common; less,however, with a view to show a pretty foot and ankle than to leave thenether limbs at liberty to go through with certain extravagant effortswhich the Savoyards were unmercifully exacting from his natural agility.He wore a Spanish hat, decorated with a few bedraggled feathers, a whitecockade, and a wooden sword. In addition to the latter, he carried inhis hand a small broom.

  Observing that my attention was strongly attracted to this party, theill-favored Savoyards immediately commenced a series of experimentsin saltation, with the sole view, beyond a question, to profit bymy curiosity. The inoffensive victims of this act of brutal tyrannysubmitted with a patience worthy of the profoundest philosophy, meetingthe wishes of their masters with a readiness and dexterity that wasbeyond all praise. One swept the earth, another leaped on the back ofa dog, a third threw himself head-over-heels again and again without amurmur, and the fourth moved gracefully to and fro, like a young girl ina quadrille. All this might have passed without calling for particularremark (since, alas! the spectacle is only too common), were it not forcertain eloquent appeals that were made to me through the eyes by theindividual in the hussar jacket. His look was rarely averted frommy face for a moment, and in this way a silent communion was soonestablished between us. I observed that his gravity was indomitable.Nothing could elicit a smile or a change of countenance. Obedient tothe whip of his brutal master, he never refused the required leap; forminutes at a time his legs and petticoat described confused circles inthe air, appearing to have taken a final leave of the earth; but, theeffort ended, he invariably descended to the ground with a quiet dignityand composure that showed how little the inward monkey partook of theantics of the outward animal. Drawing my companion a little aside, Iventured to suggest a few thoughts to him on the subject.

  "Really, Captain Poke, it appears to me there is great injustice in thetreatment of these poor creatures!" I said. "What right have these twofoul-looking blackguards to seize upon beings much more interestingto the eye and, I dare say, far more intellectual than themselves, andcause them to throw their legs about in this extravagant manner, underthe penalty of stripes, and without regard to their feelings ortheir convenience? I say, sir, the measure appears to me intolerablyoppressive, and it calls for prompt redress."

  "King!"

  "King or subject, it does not alter the moral deformity of the act. Whathave these innocent beings done that they should be subjected to thisdisgrace? Are they not flesh and blood like ourselves--do they notapproach nearer to our form and, for aught we know to the contrary, toour reason, than any other animal? and is it tolerable that our nearestimitations, our very cousins, should be thus dealt by? Are they dogsthat they are treated like dogs?"

  "Why, to my notion, Sir John, there isn't a dog on 'arth that can takesuch a summerset. Their flapjacks are quite extraor'nary!"

  "Yes, sir, and more than extraordinary; they are oppressive. Placeyourself, Mr. Poke, for a single instant, in the situation of one ofthese persons; fancy that you had a hussar jacket squeezed upon yourbrawny shoulders, a petticoat placed over your lower extremities, aSpanish hat with bedraggled feathers set upon your head, a wooden swordstuck at your side, and a broom put into your hand; and that these twoSavoyards were to menace you with stripes unless you consented to throwsummersets for the amusement of strangers--I only ask you to make thecase your own sir, and then say what course you would take and what youwould do?"

  "I would lick both of these young blackguards, Sir John, withoutremorse, break the sword and broom over their heads, kick theirsensibilities till they couldn't see, and take my course for Stunin'tun,where I belong."

  "Yes, sir, this might do with the Savoyards, who are young and feeble--"

  "'Twouldn't alter the case much if two of these Frenchmen were in theirplaces," put in the Captain, glaring wolfishly about him. "To be plainwith you, Sir John Goldencalf, being human, I'd submit to no such monkeytricks."

  "Do not use the term reproachfully, Mr. Poke, I entreat of you. We callthese animals monkeys, it is true; but we do not know what they callthemselves. Man is merely an animal, and you must very well know--"

  "Harkee, Sir John," interrupted the Captain, "I'm no botanist, and donot pretend to more schooling than a sealer has need of for finding hisway about the 'arth; but as for a man's being an animal, I just wish toask you, now, if in your judgment a hog is also an animal?"

  "Beyond a doubt--and fleas, and toads, and sea-serpents, and lizards,and water-devils--we are all neither more nor less than animals."

  "Well, if a hog is an animal, I am willing to allow the relationship;for in the course of my experience, which is not small, I have metwith men that you might have mistaken for hogs, in everything but thebristles, the snout, and the tail. I'll never deny what I've seen withmy own eyes, though I suffer for it; and therefore I admit that, hogsbeing animals, it is more than likely that some men must be animalstoo."

  "We call these interesting beings monkeys; but how do we know thatthey do not return the compliment, and call us, in their own particulardialect, something quite as offensive? It would become our species tomanifest a more equitable and philosophical spirit, and to considerthese interesting strangers as an unfortunate family which has falleninto the hands of brutes, and which is in every way entitled to ourcommiseration and our active interference. Hitherto I have neversufficiently stimulated my sympathies for the animal world by anyinvestment in quadrupeds; but it is my intention to write to-morrow tomy English agent to purchase a pack of hounds and a suitable stud ofhorses; and by way of quickening so laudable a resolution, I shallforthwith make propositions to the Savoyards for the speedy emancipationof this family of amiable foreigners. The slave-trade is an innocentpastime compared to the cruel oppression that the gentleman in theSpanish hat, in particular, is compelled to endure."

  "King!"

  "He may be a king, sure enough, in his own country, Captain Poke; a factthat would add tenfold agony to his unmerited sufferings."

  Hereupon I proceeded without more ado to open a negotiation with theSavoyards. The judicious application of a few Napoleons soon broughtabout a happy understanding between the contracting parties, when theSavoyards transferred to my hands the strings which confined theirvassals, as the formal and usual acknowledgment of the right ofownership. Committing the three others to the keeping of Mr. Poke, I ledthe individual in the hussar jacket a little on one side, and raisingmy hat to show that I was superior to the vulgar feelings of feudalsuperiority, I addressed him briefly in the following words:

  "Although I have ostensibly bought the right which these Savoyardsprofessed to have in your person and services, I seize an early occasionto inform you that virtually you are now free. As we are among a peopleaccustomed to see your race in subjection, however, it may not beprudent to proclaim the nature of the present transaction, lest theremight be some further conspiracies against your natural rights. We willretire to my
hotel forthwith, therefore, where your futurehappiness shall be the subject of our more mature and of our uniteddeliberations."

  The respectable stranger in the hussar jacket heard me with inimitablegravity and self-command until, in the warmth of feeling, I raisedan arm in earnest gesticulation, when, most probably overcome by theemotions of delight that were naturally awakened in his bosom by thissudden change in his fortune, he threw three summersets, or flapjacks,as Captain Poke had quaintly designated his evolutions, in such rapidsuccession as to render it for a moment a matter of doubt whether naturehad placed his head or his heels uppermost.

  Making a sign for Captain Poke to follow, I now took my way directlyto the Rue de Rivoli. We were attended by a constantly increasing crowduntil the gate of the hotel was fairly entered; and glad was I to seemy charge safely housed, for there were abundant indications of anotherdesign upon their rights in the taunts and ridicule of the living massthat rolled up as it were upon our heels. On reaching my own apartments,a courier who had been waiting my return, and who had just arrivedexpress from England, put a packet into my hands, stating that it camefrom my principal English agent. Hasty orders were given to attend tothe comfort and wants of Captain Poke and the strangers (orders thatwere in no danger of being neglected, since Sir John Goldencalf, withthe reputed annual revenue of three millions of francs, had unlimitedcredit with all the inhabitants of the hotel); and I hurried intomy cabinet and sat down to the eager perusal of the differentcommunications.

  Alas! there was not a line from Anna! The obdurate girl still trifledwith my misery; and in revenge I entertained a momentary resolution ofadopting the notions of Mahmoud, in order to qualify myself to set up aharem.

  The letters were from a variety of correspondents, embracing many ofthose who were entrusted with the care of my interests in very oppositequarters of the world. Half an hour before I had been dying to openmore intimate relations with the interesting strangers; but my thoughtsinstantly took a new direction, and I soon found that the painfulsentiments I had entertained touching their welfare and happiness werequite lost in the newly awakened interests that lay before me. It is inthis simple manner, no doubt, that the system to which I am a converteffects no small part of its own great purposes. No sooner does any oneinterest grow painful by excess than a new claim arises to divert thethoughts, a new demand is made on the sensibilities; and by loweringour affections from the intensity of selfishness to the more bland andequable feeling of impartiality, forms that just and generous conditionof the mind at which the political economists aim when they dilate onthe glories and advantages of their favorite theory of the social stake.

  In this happy frame of mind I fell to reading the letters with avidityand with the godlike determination to reverence Providence and to dojustice. Fiat justitia ruat coelum!

  The first epistle was from the agent of the principal West India estate.He acquainted me with the fact that all hopes from the expected cropwere destroyed by a hurricane, and he begged that I would furnish themeans necessary to carry on the affairs of the plantation until anotherseason might repair the loss. Priding myself on punctuality as a man ofbusiness, before I broke another seal a letter was written to a bankerin London requesting him to supply the necessary credits, and to notifythe agents in the West Indies of the circumstance. As he was a member ofparliament, I seized the occasion also to press upon him the necessityof government's introducing some early measure for the protection of thesugar-growers, a most meritorious class of his fellow-subjects, andone whose exposures and actual losses called loudly for relief ofthis nature. As I closed the letter I could not help dwelling withcomplacency on the zeal and promptitude with which I had acted--thecertain proof of the usefulness of the theory of investments.

  The second communication was from the manager of an East India property,that very happily came with its offering to fill the vacuum left by thefailure of the crops just mentioned. Sugar was likely to be a drugin the peninsula, and my correspondent stated that the cost oftransportation being so much greater than from the other colonies, thisadvantage would be entirely lost unless government did something torestore the East Indian to his natural equality. I enclosed this letterin one to my Lord Say and Do, who was in the ministry, asking him in themost laconic and pointed terms whether it were possible for the empireto prosper when one portion of it was left in possession of exclusiveadvantages, to the prejudice of all the others? As this question wasput with a truly British spirit, I hope it had some tendency to open theeyes of his majesty's ministers; for much was shortly after said, bothin the journals and in parliament, on the necessity of protectingour East Indian fellow-subjects, and of doing natural justice byestablishing the national prosperity on the only firm basis, that offree trade.

  The next letter was from the acting partner of a large manufacturinghouse to which I had advanced quite half the capital, in order toenter into a sympathetic communion with the cotton-spinners. The writercomplained heavily of the import duty on the raw material, made somepoignant allusions to the increasing competition on the continent andin America, and pretty clearly intimated that the lord of the manorof Householder ought to make himself felt by the administration in aquestion of so much magnitude to the nation. On this hint I spake. I satdown on the spot and wrote a long letter to my friend Lord Pledge, inwhich I pointed out to him the danger that threatened our politicaleconomy; that we were imitating the false theories of the Americans (thecountrymen of Captain Poke), that trade was clearly never so prosperousas when it was the most successful, that success depended on effort, andeffort was the most efficient when the least encumbered, and in shortthat as it was self-evident a man would jump farther without beingin foot-irons, or strike harder without being hand-cuffed, so it wasequally apparent that a merchant would make a better bargain for himselfwhen he could have things all his own way than when his enterprise andindustry were shackled by the impertinent and selfish interposition ofthe interests of others. In conclusion there was an eloquent descriptionof the demoralizing consequences of smuggling, and a pungent attack onthe tendencies of taxation in general. I have written and said some goodthings in my time, as several of my dependents have sworn to me in a waythat even my natural modesty cannot repudiate; but I shall be excusedfor the weakness if I now add that I believe this letter to Lord Pledgecontained some as clever points as anything I remember in their way; thelast paragraph in particular being positively the neatest and the bestturned moral I ever produced.

  Letter fourth was from the steward of the Householder estate. He spokeof the difficulty of getting the rents; a difficulty that he imputedaltogether to the low price of corn. He said that it would soon benecessary to relet certain farms; and he feared that the unthinking cryagainst the corn-laws would affect the conditions. It was incumbenton the landed interest to keep an eye on the popular tendencies asrespected this subject, for any material variation from the presentsystem would lower the rental of all the grain-growing counties inEngland thirty per cent, at least at a blow. He concluded with a veryhard rap at the agrarians, a party that was just coming a little intonotice in Great Britain, and by a very ingenious turn, in which hecompletely demonstrated that the protection of the landlord and thesupport of the Protestant religion were indissolubly connected. Therewas also a vigorous appeal to the common sense of the subject on thedanger to be apprehended by the people from themselves; which he treatedin a way that, a little more expanded, would have made a delightfulhomily on the rights of man.

  I believe I meditated on the contents of this letter fully an hour. Itswriter, John Dobbs, was as worthy and upright a fellow as ever breathed;and I could not but admire the surprising knowledge of men which shonethrough every line he had indited. Something must be done it was clear;and at length I determined to take the bull by the horns and to addressMr. Huskisson at once, as the shortest way of coming at the evil. Hewas the political sponsor for all the new notions on the subject of ourforeign mercantile policy; and by laying before him in a strong point ofview the
fatal consequences of carrying his system to extremes, I hopedsomething might yet be done for the owners of real estate, the bones andsinews of the land.

  I shall just add in this place that Mr. Huskisson sent me a very politeand a very statesman-like reply, in which he disclaimed any intention ofmeddling improperly with British interests in any way; that taxation wasnecessary to our system, and of course every nation was the bestjudge of its own means and resources; but that he merely aimed at theestablishment of just and generous principles, by which nations that hadno occasion for British measures should not unhandsomely resort tothem; and that certain external truths should stand, like so manywell-constructed tubs, each on its own bottom. I must say I was pleasedwith this attention from a man generally reputed as clever as Mr.Huskisson, and from that time I became a convert to most of hisopinions.

  The next communication that I opened was from the overseer of the estatein Louisiana, who informed me that the general aspect of things in thatquarter of the world was favorable, but the smallpox had found its wayamong the negroes, and the business of the plantation would immediatelyrequire the services of fifteen able-bodied men, with the usualsprinkling of women and children. He added that the laws of Americaprohibited the further importation of blacks from any country withoutthe limits of the Union, but that there was a very pretty and profitableinternal trade in the article, and that the supply might be obtained insufficient season either from the Carolinas, Virginia, or Maryland.He admitted, however, that there was some choice between the differentstocks of these several States, and that some discretion might benecessary in making the selection. The negro of the Carolinas was themost used to the cotton-field, had less occasion for clothes, and it hadbeen proved by experiment could be fattened on red herrings; while, onthe other hand, the negro farther north had the highest instinct, couldsometimes reason, and that he had even been known to preach when hehad got as high up as Philadelphia. He much affected, also, bacon andpoultry. Perhaps it might be well to purchase samples of lots from allthe different stocks in market.

  In reply I assented to the latter idea, suggesting the expediencyof getting one or two of the higher castes from the north; I had noobjection to preaching provided they preached work; but I cautioned theoverseer particularly against schismatics. Preaching, in the abstract,could do no harm; all depending on doctrine.

  This advice was given as the result of much earnest observation. ThoseEuropean states that had the most obstinately resisted the introductionof letters, I had recently had occasion to remark were changing theirsystems, and were about to act on the principle of causing "fire tofight fire." They were fast having recourse to school-books, using noother precaution than the simple expedient of writing them themselves.By this ingenious invention poison was converted into food, and truthsof all classes were at once put above the dangers of disputations andheresies.

  Having disposed of the Louisianian, I very gladly turned to the openingof the sixth seal. The letter was from the efficient trustee of acompany to whose funds I had largely contributed by way of making aninvestment in charity. It had struck me, a short time previously toquitting home, that interests positive as most of those I had embarkedin had a tendency to render the spirit worldly; and I saw no other checkto such an evil than by seeking for some association with the saints,in order to set up a balance against the dangerous propensity.A lucky occasion offered through the wants of thePhilo-African-anti-compulsion-free-labor Society, whosemeritorious efforts were about to cease for the want of the greatcharity-power--gold. A draft for five thousand pounds had obtained methe honor of being advertised as a shareholder and a patron; and, I knownot why!--but it certainly caused me to inquire into the resultswith far more interest than I had ever before felt in any similarinstitution. Perhaps this benevolent anxiety arose from that principlein our nature which induces us to look after whatever has been our ownas long as any part of it can be seen.

  The principal trustee of the Philo-African-anti-compulsion-free-laborSociety now wrote to state that some of the speculations which hadgone pari passu with the charity had been successful, and that theshareholders were, by the fundamental provisions of the association,entitled to a dividend, but--how often that awkward word stands betweenthe cup and the lip!--BUT that he was of opinion the establishment ofa new factory near a point where the slavers most resorted, and wheregold-dust and palm-oil were also to be had in the greatest quantities,and consequently at the lowest prices, would equally benefit trade andphilanthropy; that by a judicious application of our means these twointerests might be made to see-saw very cleverly, as cause and effect,effect and cause; that the black man would be spared an incalculableamount of misery, the white man a grievous burden of sin, and theparticular agents of so manifest a good might quite reasonably calculateon making at the very least forty per cent. per annum on their moneybesides having all their souls saved in the bargain. Of course Iassented to a proposition so reasonable in itself, and which offeredbenefits so plausible!

  The next epistle was from the head of a great commercial house inSpain in which I had taken some shares, and whose interests had beentemporarily deranged by the throes of the people in their efforts toobtain redress for real or imaginary wrongs. My correspondent showed aproper indignation on the occasion, and was not sparing in his languagewhenever he was called to speak of popular tumults. "What do thewretches wish?" he asked with much point--"Our lives as well as ourproperty? Ah! my dear sir, this bitter fact impresses us all (by ushe meant the mercantile interests) with the importance of strongexecutives. Where should we have been but for the bayonets of the king?or what would have become of our altars, our firesides, and our persons,had it not pleased God to grant us a monarch indomitable in will,brave in spirit, and quick in action?" I wrote a proper answer ofcongratulation and turned to the next epistle, which was the last of thecommunications.

  The eighth letter was from the acting head of another commercial housein New York, United States of America, or the country of Captain Poke,where it would seem the president by a decided exercise of his authorityhad drawn upon himself the execrations of a large portion of thecommercial interests of the country; since the effect of the measure,right or wrong, as a legitimate consequence or not, by hook or bycrook, had been to render money scarce. There is no man so keen in hisphilippics, so acute in discovering and so prompt in analyzing facts, soanimated in his philosophy, and so eloquent in his complaints, as yourdebtor when money unexpectedly gets to be scarce. Credit, comfort,bones, sinews, marrow and all appear to depend on the result; and it isno wonder that, under so lively impressions, men who have hitherto beencontent to jog on in the regular and quiet habits of barter, shouldsuddenly start up into logicians, politicians, aye, or even intomagicians. Such had been the case with my present correspondent, whoseemed to know and to care as little in general of the polity of his owncountry as if he had never been in it, but who now was ready tosplit hairs with a metaphysician, and who could not have written morecomplacently of the constitution if he had even read it. My limitswill not allow an insertion of the whole letter, but one or two of itssentences shall be given. "Is it tolerable, my dear sir," he went on tosay, "that the executive of ANY country, I will not say merely of ourown, should possess, or exercise, even admitting that he does possessthem, such unheard of powers? Our condition is worse than that of theMussulmans, who in losing their money usually lose their heads, and areleft in a happy insensibility to their sufferings: but, alas! thereis an end of the much boasted liberty of America! The executive hasswallowed up all the other branches of the government, and the nextthing will be to swallow up us. Our altars, our firesides, and ourpersons will shortly be invaded; and I much fear that my next letterwill be received by you long after all correspondence shall beprohibited, every means of communication cut off, and we ourselves shallbe precluded from writing, by being chained like beasts of burden to thecar of a bloody tyrant." Then followed as pretty a string of epithetsas I remember to have heard from the mouth of the veriest shrew
atBillingsgate.

  I could not but admire the virtue of the "social-stake system," whichkept men so sensibly alive to all their rights, let them live where theywould, or under what form of government, which was so admirably suitedto sustain truth and render us just. In reply I sent back epithet forepithet, echoed all the groans of my correspondent, and railed as becamea man who was connected with a losing concern.

  This closed my correspondence for the present, and I arose wearied withmy labors, and yet greatly rejoicing in their fruits. It was now late,but excitement prevented sleep; and before retiring for the night Icould not help looking in upon my guests. Captain Poke had gone to aroom in another part of the hotel, but the family of amiable strangerswere fast asleep in the antechamber. They had supped heartily as I wasassured, and were now indulging in a happy but temporary oblivion--touse an improved expression--of all their wrongs. Satisfied with thisstate of things, I now sought my own pillow, or, according to a favoritephrase of Mr. Noah Poke, I also "turned in."