The Monikins

by James Fenimore Cooper

  CHAPTER XVIII. A COURT, A COURT-DRESS, AND A COURTIER--JUSTICE INVARIOUS ASPECTS, AS WELL AS HONOR.

  My guests were no sooner gone, than I sent for the landlady, to inquireif any court-dresses were to be had in the neighborhood. She toldme plenty might certainly be had, that were suited to the monikindimensions, but she much doubted whether there was a tail in allLeaphigh, natural or artificial, that was at all fit for a person of mystature. This was vexatious; and I was in a brown study, calling up allmy resources for the occasion, when Mr. Poke entered the inn, carryingin his hand two as formidable ox-tails as I remember ever to have seen.Throwing one towards me, he said the lord high admiral of Leaphighhad acquainted him that there was an invitation out for the prince andhimself, as well as for the governor of the former, to be present atcourt within an hour. He had hurried off from what he called a verygood dinner, considering there was nothing solid (the captain wasparticularly fond of pickled pork), to let me know the honor that wasintended us; and on the way home, he had fallen in with Dr. Reasono,who, on being acquainted with his errand, had not failed to point outthe necessity of the whole party coming en habit de cour. Here was adilemma, with a vengeance; for the first idea that struck the captainwas, "the utter impossibility of finding anything in this way, in allLeaphigh, befitting a lord high admiral of his length of keel; for,as to going in an ordinary monikin queue, why, he should look like athree-decked ship, with a brig's spar stepped for a lower mast!" Dr.Reasono, however, had kindly removed the embarrassment, by conductinghim to the cabinet of natural history, where three suitable appendageshad been found, viz., two fine relics of oxen, [Footnote: CaudaBovum.--BUF.] and another, a capital specimen, that had formerly beenthe mental lever, or, as the captain expressed it, "the steering oar"of a kangaroo. The latter had been sent off, express, with a kindconsideration for the honor of Great Britain, to Prince Bob, who was ata villa of one of the royal family, in the neighborhood of Aggregation.

  I was greatly indebted to Noah, for his dexterity in helping me to agood fit with my court-dress. There was not time for much particularity,for we were in momentary expectation of Judge People's Friend's return.All we could do, therefore, was to make a belt of canvas (the captainbeing always provided with needles, palm, etc., in his bag), and tointroduce the smaller end of the tail through a hole in the belt,drawing its base tight up to the cloth, which, in its turn, was stitchedround our bodies. This was but an indifferent substitute for the naturalappendage, it is true; and the hide had got to be so dry and unyielding,that it was impossible for the least observant person to imaginethere was a particle of brains in it. The arrangement had also anotherdisadvantage. The cauda stuck out nearly at right angles with theposition of the body, and besides occupying much more space than wouldprobably be permitted in the royal presence, "it gave any jackanapes,"as Noah observed, "the great advantage over us, of making us yaw atpleasure, since he might use the outriggers as levers." But a seaman isinexhaustible in expedients. Two "back-stays," or "bob-stays" (for thecaptain facetiously gave them both appellations) were soon "turned in,"and the tails were "stayed in, in a way to bring them as upright astrysail masts"; to which spars, indeed, according to Noah's account ofthe matter, they bore no small resemblance.

  The envoy-extraordinary of Leaplow, accompanied by his friend, BrigadierDownright, arrived just as we were dressed; and a most extraordinaryfigure the former cut, if truth must be said. Although obliged to bedocked, according to the Leaplow law, to six inches, and brought down toa real bob, by both the public opinions of his country, for this was oneof the few points on which these antagonist sentiments were perfectlyagreed, he now appeared in just the largest brush I remember to haveseen appended to a monikin! I felt a strong inclination to joke therotatory republican on this coquetry; but then I remembered how sweetany stolen indulgence becomes; and, for the life of me, I could not giveutterance to a bon-mot. The elegance of the minister was rendered themore conspicuous by the simplicity of the brigadier, who had contrivedto moustache his dock, a very short one at the best, in such a manner asto render it nearly invisible. On my expressing a doubt to Mr. Downrightabout his being admitted in such a costume, he snapped his fingers,and gave me to understand he knew better. He appeared as a brigadier ofLeaplow (I found afterwards that he was in truth no soldier, but thatit was a fashion among his countrymen to travel under the title ofbrigadier), and this was his uniform; and he should like to see thechamberlain who would presume to call in question the state of hiswardrobe! As it was no affair of mine, I prudently dropped the subject,and we were soon in the court of the palace.

  I shall pass over the parade of guards, the state bands, thesergeant-trumpeters, the crowd of footmen and pages, and conduct thereader at once to the ante-chamber. Here we found the usual throngcomposed of those who live in the smiles of princes. There was a greatdeal of politeness, much bowing and curtseying, and the customary amountof genteel empressement to be the first to bask in the sunshine ofroyalty. Judge People's Friend, in his character of a foreign minister,was privileged; and we had enjoyed the private entree, and were now, ofright, placed nearest to the great doors of the royal apartments. Mostof the diplomatic corps were already in attendance, and, quite as amatter of course, there were a great many cordial manifestations, ofthe ardent attachment that bound them and their masters together, inthe inviolable bonds of a most sacred amity. Judge People's Friend,according to his own account of the matter, represented a greatnation--a very great nation--and yet I did not perceive that he met witha warm--a very warm--reception. However, as he seemed satisfied withhimself, and all around him, it would have been unkind, not to say rude,in a stranger to disturb his self-esteem; and I took especial care,therefore, not to betray, by the slightest hint, my opinion that agood many near his person seemed to think him and his artificial queuesomewhat in the way. The courtiers of Leaphigh, in particular, who arean exceedingly exclusive and fastidious corps, appeared to regardthe privileges of the judge with an evil eye; and one or two of themactually held their noses as he flourished his brush a little too neartheir sacred faces, as if they found its odor out of fashion. Whilemaking these silent observations, a page cried out from the lower partof the saloon, "Room for His Royal Highness the Crown Prince of GreatBritain!" The crowd opened, and that young blackguard Bob walked upthe avenue, in state. He wore the turnspit garment as the base of histoilet; but the superstructure was altogether more in keeping with therascal's assumed character. The union-jack was thrown over his shoulderin the fashion of a mantle, and it was supported by the cook and stewardof the Walrus (two blacks), both clothed as alligators. The kangaroo'stail was rigged in a way to excite audible evidences of envy in theheart of Mr. Poke. The stepping of it, the captain whispered, "did theyoung dog great credit, for it looked as natural as the best wig he hadever seen; and then, in addition to the bob-stay, it had two guys, whichacted like the yoke-lines of a boat, or in such a way, that by holdingone in each hand, the brush could be worked 'starboard and larboard'like a rudder." I have taken this description mainly from the mouth ofthe captain, and most sincerely do I hope it may be intelligible to thereader.

  Bob appeared to be conscious of his advantages; for, on reaching theupper end of the room, he began whisking his tail, and flourishing itto the right and left, so as to excite a very perceptible and livelyadmiration in the mind of Judge People's Friend--an effect that so muchthe more proved the wearer's address, for that high functionary wasbound ex officio to entertain a sovereign contempt for all courtlyvanities. I saw the eye of the captain kindle, however, and when theinsolent young coxcomb actually had the temerity to turn his back on hismaster, and to work his brush under his very nose, human nature couldendure no more. The right leg of my lord high admiral slowly retired,with somewhat of the caution of the cat about to spring, and then itwas projected forward, with a rapidity that absolutely lifted the crownprince from the floor.

  The royal self-possession of Bob could not prevent an exclamation ofpain, as well as of surprise, and some of the
courtiers ran forwardinvoluntarily to aid him--for courtiers always ran involuntarily tothe succor of princes. At least a dozen of the ladies offered theirsmelling-bottles, with the most amiable assiduity and concern. Toprevent any disagreeable consequences, however, I hastened to acquaintthe crowd that in Great Britain, it is the usage to cuff and kick thewhole royal family; and that, in short, it is no more than the customarytribute of the subject to the prince. In proof of what I said, I tookgood care to give the saucy young scoundrel a touch of my own homage.The monikins, who know that different customs prevail in differentnations, hastened to compliment the young scion of royalty in the samemanner; and both the cook and steward relieved their ennui by fallinginto the track of imitation. Bob could not stand the last applications;and he was about to beat a retreat, when the master of ceremoniesappeared, to conduct him to the royal presence.

  The reader is not to be misled by the honors that were paid to theimaginary crown prince, and to suppose that the court of Leaphighentertained any peculiar respect for that of Great Britain. It wasmerely done on the principle that governed the conduct of our ownlearned sovereign, King James I., when he refused to see theamiable Pocahontas of Virginia, because she had degraded royalty byintermarrying with a subject. The respect was paid to the caste, and notto the individual, to his species, or to his nation.

  Let his privileges come from what cause they would, Bob was glad enoughto get out of the presence of Captain Poke--who had already prettyplainly threatened, in the Stunin'tun dialect, to unship his cauda--intothat of the majesty of Leaphigh. A few minutes afterwards, the doorswere thrown open, and the whole company advanced into the royalapartments.

  The etiquette of the court of Leaphigh differs in many essentialparticulars from the etiquette of any other court in the monikin region.Neither the king, nor his royal consort, is ever visible to any one inthe country, so far as is vulgarly known. On the present occasion,two thrones were placed at opposite extremities of the salon, and amagnificent crimson damask curtain was so closely drawn before each,that it was quite impossible to see who occupied it. On the lowest stepthere stood a chamberlain or a lady of the bed-chamber, who, severally,made all the speeches, and otherwise enacted the parts of theillustrious couple. The reader will understand, therefore, that allwhich is here attributed to either of these great personages, was infact performed by one or the other of the substitutes named, and thatI never had the honor of actually standing face to face with theirmajesties. Everything that is now about to be related, in short, wasactually done by deputy, on the part of the monarch and his wife.

  The king himself merely represents a sentiment, all the power belongingto his eldest first cousin of the masculine gender, and any intercoursewith him is entirely of a disinterested or of a sentimentalcharacter. He is the head of the church--after a very secular fashion,however;--all the bishops and clergy therefore got down on their kneesand said their prayers; though the captain suggested that it might betheir catechisms; I never knew which. I observed, also, that all hislaw officers did the same thing; but as THEY never pray, and do notknow their catechisms, I presume the genuflections were to beg somethingbetter than the places they actually filled. After this, came a longtrain of military and naval officers, who, soldier-like, kissed hispaw. The civilians next had a chance, and then it was our turn to bepresented.

  "I have the honor to present the lord high admiral of Great Britain toyour majesty," said Judge People's Friend, who had waived his officialprivilege of going first, in order to do us this favor in person; ithaving been decided, on a review of all the principles that touched thecase, that nothing human could take precedence of a monikin at court,always making the exception in favor of royalty, as in the case ofPrince Bob.

  "I am happy to see you at my court, Admiral Poke," the king politelyrejoined, manifesting the tact of high rank in recognizing Noah by hisfamily name, to the great surprise of the old sealer.

  "King!"

  "You were about to remark?--" most graciously inquired his majesty, alittle at a loss to understand what his visitor would be at.

  "Why, I could not contain my astonishment at your memory, Mr. King,which has enabled you to recall a name that you probably never beforeheard!"

  There was now a great, and to me, a very unaccountable confusion in thecircle. It would seem, that the captain had unwittingly trespassed ontwo of the most important of the rules of etiquette, in very mortalpoints. He had confessed to the admission of an emotion as vulgar asthat of astonishment in the royal presence, and he had intimated thathis majesty had a memory; a property of the mind which, as it mightprove dangerous to the liberties of Leaphigh, were it left in thekeeping of any but a responsible minister, it had long been decided itwas felony to impute to the king. By the fundamental law of the land,the king's eldest first-cousin of the masculine gender, may have as manymemories as he please, and he may use them, or abuse them, as he shallsee fit, either in private or in the public service; but it is held tobe utterly unconstitutional and unparliamentary, and, by consequence,extremely underbred, to insinuate, even in the most remote manner,that the king himself has either a memory, a will, a determination, aresolution, a desire, a conceit, an intention, or, in short, any otherintellectual property, that of a "royal pleasure" alone excepted. Itis both constitutional and parliamentary to say the king has a "royalpleasure" provided the context goes to prove that this "royal pleasure"is entirely at the disposition of his eldest first-cousin of themasculine gender.

  When Mr. Poke was made acquainted with his mistake, he discovered aproper contrition; and the final decision of the affair was postponed,in order to have the opinion of the judges on the propriety of takingbail, which I promptly offered to put in, in behalf of my old shipmate.This disagreeable little interruption temporarily disposed of, thebusiness of the drawing-room went on.

  Noah was next conducted to the queen, who was much inclined (always bydeputy) to overlook the little mistake into which he had fallen with herroyal consort, and to receive him graciously.

  "May it please your majesty, I have the honor to present to yourmajesty's royal notice the Lord Noah Poke, the lord high admiral of adistant and but little known country, called Great Britain," saidthe gold stick of the evening--Judge People's Friend being afraid ofcommitting Leaplow, and declining to introduce the captain to any oneelse.

  "Lord Poke is a countryman of our royal cousin, the Prince Bob!"observed the queen, in an exceedingly gracious manner.

  "No, marm," put in the sealer, promptly, "your cousin Bob is no cousinof mine; and if it were lawful for your majesty to have a memory, or aninclination, or anything else in that way, I should beg the favor of youto order the young blackguard to be soundly threshed."

  The majesty of Leaphigh stood aghast, by proxy! It would seem Noah hadnow actually fallen into a more serious error than the mistake he hadmade with the king. By the law of Leaphigh, the queen is not a femecouverte. She can sue and be sued in her own name, holds her separateestate, without the intervention of trustees, and IS supposed to have amemory, a will, an inclination, or anything else in that way, except a"royal pleasure," to which she cannot, of right, lay claim. As to her,the king's first-cousin is a dead letter; he having no more control overher conscience than he has over the conscience of an apple-woman. Inshort, her majesty is quite as much the mistress of her own convictionsand conscience as it probably ever falls to the lot of women in suchhigh stations to be the mistress of interests that are of so muchimportance to those around them. Noah, innocently enough, I do firmlybelieve, had seriously wounded all those nice sensibilities whichare naturally dependent on such an improved condition of society.Forbearance could go no further, and I saw, by the dark looks aroundme, that the captain had committed a serious crime. He was immediatelyarrested, and conducted from the presence to an adjoining room, intowhich I obtained admission, after a good deal of solicitation andsome very strong appeals to the sacred character of the rights ofhospitality.

  It now appeared that, in Leaphigh, the mer
its of a law are decided on aprinciple very similar to the one we employ in England in judging of thequality of our wines, viz., its age. The older a law, the more it is tobe respected, no doubt because, having proved its fitness by outlastingall the changes of society, it has become more mellow, if not morepalatable. Now, by a law of Leaphigh that is coeval with the monarchy,he who offends the queen's majesty at a levee is to lose his head;and he who, under the same circumstances, offends the king's majesty,necessarily the more heinous offence, is to lose his tail. Inconsequence of the former punishment, the criminal is invariably buried,and he is consigned to the usual course of monikin regeneration andresuscitation; but in consequence of the latter, it is thought thathe is completely thrown without the pale of reason, and is therebyconsigned to the class of the retrogressive animals. His minddiminishes, and his body increases; the brain, for want of the meansof development, takes the ascending movement of sap again; his foreheaddilates; bumps reappear; and, finally, after passing gradually downwardsin the scale of intellect, he becomes a mass of insensible matter. Such,at least, is the theory of his punishment.

  By another law, that is even older than the monarchy, any one whooffends in the king's palace may be tried by a very summary process, theking's pages acting as his judges; in which case the sentence is to beexecuted without delay.

  Such was the dilemma to which Noah, by an indiscretion at court, wassuddenly reduced; and, but for my prompt interference, he would probablyhave been simultaneously decapitated at both extremities, in obedienceto an etiquette which prescribes that, under the circumstances of acourt trial, neither the king's nor the queen's rights shall be entitledto precedence. In defence of my client I urged his ignorance of theusages of the country, and, indeed, of all other civilized countries,Stunnin'tun alone excepted. I stated that the criminal was an objectaltogether unworthy of their notice; that he was not a lord high admiralat all, but a mere pitiful sealer; I laid some stress on the importanceof maintaining friendly relations with the sealers, who cruise so nearthe monikin region; I tried to convince the judges that Noah meant noharm in imputing moral properties to the king, and that so long as hedid not impute immoral properties to his royal consort, she might verywell afford to pardon him. I then quoted Shakspeare's celebrated lineson mercy, which seemed to be well enough received, and committed thewhole affair to their better judgment.

  I should have got along very creditably, and most probably obtainedthe immediate discharge of my friend, had not the attorney-general ofLeaphigh been drawn by curiosity into the room. Although he had nothingto say to the merits of my arguments, he objected to every one of them,on the ground of formality. This was too long, and that was too short;one was too high, and another too low; a fifth was too broad, and asixth too narrow; in short, there was no figure of speech of this natureto which he did not resort, in order to prove their worthlessness, withthe exception that I do not remember he charged any of my reasons withbeing too deep.

  Matters were now beginning to look serious for poor Noah, when a pagecame skipping in to say that the wedding was about to take place,and that if his comrades wished to witness it, they must sentence theprisoner without delay. Many a man, it is said, has been hanged, inorder that the judge might dine; but, in the present instance, I dobelieve Captain Poke was spared, in order that his judges might notmiss a fine spectacle. I entered into recognizance, in fifty thousandpromises, for the due appearance of the criminal on the followingmorning; and we all returned, in a body, to the presence-chamber,treading on each other's tails, in the eagerness to be foremost.

  Any one who has ever been at a human court, must very well know that,while it is the easiest thing in the world to throw it into commotion bya violation of etiquette, matters of mere life and death are not at allof a nature to disturb its tranquillity. There, everything is a matterof routine and propriety; and, to judge from experience, nothing is sounseemly as to appear to possess human sympathies. The fact is not verydifferent at Leaphigh, for the monikin sympathies, apparently, are quiteas obtuse as those of men; although justice compels me to allow, that inthe case of Captain Poke, the appeal was made in behalf of a creatureof a different species. It is also a settled principle of Leaphighjurisprudence, that it would be monstrous for the king to interfere inbehalf of justice-justice, however, being always administered in hisname; although it certainly is not held to be quite so improper for himto interfere in behalf of those who have offended justice.

  As a consequence of these nice distinctions, which it requires a veryadvanced stage of civilization fully to comprehend, both the king andqueen received our whole party, when we came back into the presence,exactly as if nothing particular had occurred. Noah wore both head andtail erect, like another; and the lord high admiral of Leaphigh droppedinto a familiar conversation with him, on the subject of ballastingships, in just as friendly a manner as if he were on the best possibleterms with the whole royal family. This moral sang froid is not tobe ascribed to phlegm, but is, in fact, the result of high mentaldiscipline, which causes the courtier to be utterly destitute of allfeeling, except in cases that affect himself.

  It was high time now that I should be presented. Judge People's Friend,who had witnessed the dilemma of Noah with diplomatic unconcern, verypolitely renewed the offer of his services in my favor, and I wentforward and stood before the throne.

  "Sire, allow me to present a very eminent literary character among men,a cunning clerk, by name Goldencalf," said the envoy, bowing to hismajesty.

  "He is welcome to my court," returned the king by proxy.

  "Pray, Mr. People's Friend, is not this one of the human beings who havelately arrived in my dominions, and who have shown so much cleverness ingetting Chatterino and his governor through the ice?"

  "The very same, please your majesty; and a very arduous service it was,and right cleverly performed."

  "This reminds me of a duty.--Let my cousin be summoned."

  I now began to see a ray of hope, and to feel the truth of the sayingwhich teaches us that justice, though sometimes slow, never fails toarrive at last. I had also, now, and for the first time, a good view ofthe king's eldest first-cousin of the masculine gender, who drew near atthe summons; and, while he had the appearance of listening with the mostprofound attention to the instructions of the king of Leaphigh, was veryevidently telling that potentate what he ought to do. The conferenceended, his majesty's proxy spoke in a way to be heard by all who had thegood fortune to be near the royal person.

  "Reasono did a good thing," he said; "really, a very good thing, inbringing us these specimens of the human family. But for his cleverness,I might have died without ever dreaming that men were gifted withtails." [Kings never get hold of the truth at the right end.] "I wonderif the queen knew it. Pray, did you know, my Augusta, that men hadtails?"

  "Our exemption from state affairs gives us females better opportunitiesthan your majesty enjoys, to study these matters," returned his royalconsort, by the mouth of her lady of the bed-chamber.

  "I dare say I'm very silly--but our cousin, here, thinks it might bewell to do something for these good people, for it may encourage theirking himself to visit us some day."

  An exclamation of pleasure escaped the ladies; who declared, one andall, it would be delightful to see a real human king--it would be sofunny!

  "Well, well," added the good-natured monarch, "Heaven knows whatmay happen, for I have seen stranger things. Really, we ought to dosomething for these good people; for, although we owe the pleasure oftheir visit, in a great degree, to the cleverness of Reasono--who,by the way, I'm glad to hear is declared an H. O. A. X.--yet he veryhandsomely admits, that but for their exertions--none of our seamikinsbeing within reach--it would have been quite impossible to get throughthe ice. I wish I knew, now, which was the cleverest and the most usefulof their party."

  Here the queen, always thinking and speaking by proxy, suggested thepropriety of leaving the point to Prince Bob.

  "It would be no more than is due to his rank;
for though they are men, Idare say they have feelings like ourselves."

  The question was now submitted to Bob, who sat in judgment on us all,with as much gravity as if accustomed to such duties from infancy. It issaid that men soon get to be familiar with elevation, and that, whilehe who has fallen never fails to look backwards, he who has riseninvariably limits his vision to the present horizon. Such proved to bethe case with the princely Bob.

  "This person," observed the jackanapes, pointing to me, "is a very goodsort of person, it is true, but he is hardly the sort of person yourmajesty wants just now. There is the lord high admiral, too--but--"(Bob's but was envenomed by a thousand kicks!)--"but--you wish, sire,to know which of my father's subjects was the most useful in getting theship to Leaphigh?"

  "That is precisely the fact I desire to know."

  Bob hereupon pointed to the cook; who, it will be remembered, waspresent as one of his train-bearers. "I believe I must say, sire,that this is the man. He fed us all; and without food, and that inconsiderable quantities, too, nothing could have been done."

  The little blackguard was rewarded for his impudence, by exclamationsof pleasure from all around him.--"It was so clever a distinction,"--"itshowed so much reflection,"--"it was so very profound,"--"it provedhow much he regarded the base of society;"--in short, "it was evidentEngland would be a happy country, when he should be called to thethrone!" In the meantime the cook was required to come forth, and kneelbefore his majesty.

  "What is your name?" whispered the lord of the bed-chamber, who nowspoke for himself.

  "Jack Coppers, your honor."

  The lord of the bed-chamber made a communication to his majesty, whenthe sovereign turned round by proxy, with his back towards Jack, and,giving him the accolade with his tail, he bade him rise, as "Sir JackCoppers."

  I was a silent, an admiring, an astounded witness of this act of grossand flagrant injustice. Some one pulled me aside, and then I recognizedthe voice of Brigadier Downright.

  "You think that honors have alighted where they are least due. You thinkthat the saying of your crown prince has more smartness than truth,more malice than honesty. You think that the court has judged on falseprinciples, and acted on an impulse rather than on reason; that theking has consulted his own ease in affecting to do justice; that thecourtiers have paid a homage to their master, in affecting to pay ahomage to merit; and that nothing in this life is pure or free from thetaint of falsehood, selfishness, or vanity. Alas! this is too much thecase with us monikins, I must allow; though, doubtless, among men youmanage a vast deal more cleverly."