Last Argument of Kings

by Joe Abercrombie

  'My name is Caurib.'

  'Oh,' said Dogman. Most beautiful name ever, no doubt about it. Amazing, that a single word could be so beautiful.

  'Harding Grim's my name!'

  'Dogman, they call me, 'count of a sharp sense o' smell, and… er…' By the dead, but it was hard to think straight. There'd been something important he was meant to be doing, but for the life of him he couldn't think what.

  'Dogman… perfect.' Her voice was soothing as a warm bath, as a soft kiss, as milk and honey… 'Don't sleep yet!' Dogman's head rolled, Caurib's painted face a black and white blur, swimming in front of him.

  'Sorry!' he gurgled, blushing again and trying to hide the knife behind his back. 'Right sorry about the blade… no idea what—'

  'Don't worry. I am glad that you brought it. I think it would be best if you used it to stab your friend.'

  'Him?' Dogman squinted at Grim.

  Grim grinned and nodded back at him. 'Aye, definitely!'

  'Right, right, good idea.' Dogman lifted up the knife, seeming to weigh a ton. 'Er… anywhere you'd like him stabbed, in particular?'

  'In the heart will do nicely.'

  'Right you are. Right. The heart it is.' Grim turned front on to give him a better go at it. Dogman blinked, wiped some sweat from his forehead. 'Here we go, then.' Damn it but he was dizzy. He squinted at Grim's chest, wanting to make sure he got it right first time, and didn't embarrass himself again. 'Here we go…'

  'Now!' she hissed at him. 'Just get it—'

  The axe blade made a clicking sound as it split her head neatly down the middle, all the way to her chin. Blood sprayed out and spattered in Dogman's gawping face, and the witch's thin body slumped down on the stones like it was made of nothing but rags.

  Dow frowned as he twisted the haft of his axe this way and that, until the blade came free of Caurib's ruined skull with a faint sucking sound. 'That bitch talks too much,' he grunted.

  The Bloody-Nine felt the change. Like the first green shoot of spring. Like the first warmth on the wind as the summer comes. There was a message in the way the Feared held him. His bones were no longer groaning, threatening to burst apart. The giant's strength was less, and his was more.

  The Bloody-Nine sucked in the air and his rage burned hot as ever. Slowly, slowly, he dragged his face away from the giant's shoulder, felt the metal slide out from his mouth. He twisted, twisted until his neck was free. Until he was staring into the giant's writhing face. The Bloody-Nine smiled, then he darted forward, fast as a shower of sparks, and sank his teeth deep into that big lower lip.

  The giant grunted, shifted his arms, tried to drag the Bloody-Nine's head away, tear the biting teeth out of his mouth. But he could more easily have shaken off the plague. His arms loosened and the Bloody-Nine twisted the hand that held the Maker's sword. He twisted it, as the snake twists in its nest, and slowly he began to work it free.

  The giant's blue left arm uncoiled from the Bloody-Nine's body, his blue hand seized hold of the Bloody-Nine's wrist, but there could be no stopping it. When the sapling seed finds a crack in the mountain, over long years its deep roots will burst the very rock apart. So the Bloody-Nine strained with every muscle and let the slow time pass, hissing out his hatred into the Feared's twitching mouth. The blade crept onwards, slowly, slowly, and its very point bit into painted flesh, just below the giant's bottom rib.

  The Bloody-Nine felt the hot blood trickling down the grip and over his bunched fist, trickling out of the Feared's mouth and into his, running down his neck, leaking from the wounds across his back, dripping to the ground, just as it should be. Softly, gently, the blade slid into the Feared's tattooed body, sideways, upwards, onwards.

  The great hands clawed at the Bloody-Nine's arm, at his back, seeking desperately for some hold that might stop the terrible easing forward of that blade. But with every moment the giant's strength melted away, like ice before a furnace. Easier to stop the Whiteflow than to stop the Bloody-Nine. The movement of his hands was the growing of a mighty tree, one hair's breadth at a time, but no flesh, no stone, no metal could stop it.

  The giant's painted side could not be harmed. Great Glustrod had made it so, long years ago, in the Old Time, when the words were written upon the Feared's skin. But Glustrod wrote on one half only. Slowly, now, softly, gently, the point of the Maker's sword crossed the divide and into the unmarked half of him, dug into his innards, spitted him like meat made ready for the fire.

  The giant made a great, high shriek, and the last strength melted from his hands. The Bloody-Nine opened his jaws and let him free, one arm holding tight to his back while the other drove the sword on into him. The Bloody-Nine hissed laughter through his clenched teeth, dribbled laughter through the ragged hole in his face. He rammed the blade as far as it would go, and its point slid out between the plates of armour just beneath the giant's armpit and glinted red in the sun.

  Fenris the Feared tottered backwards, still making his long squeal, his mouth hanging open and a string of red spit dangling from his lip, the painted half already healed over, the pale half tattered as mince-meat. The circle of men watched him, frozen, gaping over the tops of their shields. His feet shuffled in the dirt, one hand fumbling for the red hilt of the Maker's sword, buried to the cross-piece in his side, blood dripping from the pommel and leaving red spots scattered across the ground. His squeal became a rattling groan, one foot tripped the other and he toppled like a felled tree and crashed over on his back, in the centre of the circle, great arms and legs spread wide. The twitching of his face was finally still, and there was a long silence.

  'By the dead.' It was spoken softly, thoughtfully. Logen squinted into the morning sun, saw the black shape of a man looking down at him from the high gatehouse. 'By the dead, I never thought you'd do it.' The world tipped from side to side as Logen began to walk, the breath hissing cold through the wound in his face, scraping in his raw throat.

  The men who'd made the circle moved out of his way, now, their voices fallen silent, their shields hanging from their hands.

  'Never thought you could do it, but when it comes to killing, there's no man better! No man worse! I've always said so!'

  Logen tottered through the open gates, found an archway and began to climb the lurching steps, round and round, his boots hissing against the stone and leaving dark smears behind. The blood dripped, tap, tap, tap from the dangling fingers of his left hand. Every muscle ached. Bethod's voice dug at him.

  'But I get the last laugh, eh, Bloody-Nine? You're nothing but leaves on the water! Any way the rain washes you!'

  Logen stumbled on, ribs burning, jaws locked tight together, shoulder scraping against the curved wall. Up, and up, and round, and round, his crackling breath echoing after.

  'You'll never have anything! You'll never be anything! You'll never make anything but corpses!'

  Out onto the roof, blinking in the morning brightness, spitting a mouthful of blood over his shoulder. Bethod stood at the battlements. The Named Men stumbled out of Logen's way as he strode towards him.

  'You're made of death, Bloody-Nine! You're made of—'

  Logen's fist crunched into his jaw and he took a flopping step back. Logen's other hand smashed into his cheek and he reeled against the parapet, a long string of bloody drool running from his split mouth. Logen caught the back of his head and jerked his knee up into Bethod's face, felt his nose crunch flat against it. Logen tangled his fingers in Bethod's hair, gripped it tight, pulled his head up high, and rammed it down into the stones.

  'Die!' he hissed.

  Bethod jerked, gurgled, Logen lifted his head and drove it down again, and again. The golden ring flew off his broken skull, bounced across the rooftop with a merry jingling.

  'Die!'

  Bone crunched, and blood shot out over the stone in fat drops and thin spatters. Pale-as-Snow and his Named Men stared, white-faced, helpless and fearful, horrified and delighted.

  'Die, you fucker!'

  And Loge
n hauled Bethod's ruined corpse into the air with one last effort and flung it tumbling over the battlements. He watched it fall. He watched it crunch to the ground and lie, on its side, arms and legs stuck out awkwardly, fingers curled as if they were grasping at something, the head no more than a dark smear on the hard earth. All the faces of the crowds of men standing below were turned towards that corpse, then slowly, eyes and mouths wide open, they lifted up to stare at Logen.

  Crummock-i-Phail, standing in their midst, in the centre of the shaved circle beside the great body of the Feared, slowly raised his long arm, the fat forefinger on the end of it pointing upwards. 'The Bloody-Nine!' he screamed. 'King o' the Northmen!'

  Logen gaped down at him, panting for breath, legs wobbling, trying to understand. The fury was gone and left nothing but terrible tiredness behind it. Tiredness and pain.

  'King o' the Northmen!' someone shrieked, way back in the crowd.

  'No,' croaked Logen, but no one heard him. They were all too drunk with blood and fury, or busy thinking what was easiest, or too scared to say any different. The chants broke out all over, first a trickle of them, then a flow, and then a flood, and all Logen could do was watch, clinging to the bloody stone and trying not to fall.

  'The Bloody-Nine! King o' the Northmen!'

  Pale-as-Snow was down on one knee beside him, spots of Bethod's blood sprayed across the white fur on his coat. He always had been one to lick whatever arse was nearest, but he wasn't alone. They were all kneeling, up on the walls and down on the grass. The Dogman's Carls and Bethod's. The men who'd held the shields for Logen and the ones who'd held the shields for the Feared. Maybe Bethod had taught them a lesson. Maybe they'd forgotten how to be their own men, and now they needed someone else to tell them what to do.

  'No,' whispered Logen, but all that came out was a dull slurp. He had no more power to stop it than he had to make the sky fall in. Seemed to him then that men do pay for the things they've done, alright. But sometimes the payment isn't what they expected.

  'The Bloody-Nine!' roared Crummock again, as he sank down on his knees and lifted up his arms towards the sky, 'King o' the Northmen!'

  * * *

  Greater Good

  « ^ »

  The room was another over-bright box. It had the same off-white walls, spotted with brown stains. Mould, or blood, or both. The same battered table and chairs. Virtually instruments of torture in themselves. The same burning pains in Glokta's foot, and leg, and back. Some things never change. The same prisoner, as far as anyone could have told, with the same canvas bag over their head. Just like the dozens who have been through this room over the past few days, and just like the dozens more crammed into the cells beyond the door, waiting on our pleasure.

  'Very well.' Glokta waved a tired hand, 'let us begin.'

  Frost dragged the bag from the prisoner's head. A long, lean Kantic face with deep creases around the mouth and a neatly trimmed black beard, streaked with grey. A wise, dignified face, deep-set eyes even now adjusting to the glare.

  Glokta burst out laughing. Each chuckle stabbed at the base of his stiff spine and rattled his stiff neck, but he could not help himself. Even after all these years, fate can still play jokes on me.

  'Wath futhy?' grunted Frost.

  Glokta wiped his runny eye. 'Practical Frost, we are truly honoured. Our latest prisoner is none other than Master Farrad, formerly of Yashtavit in Kanta, and more recently of a magnificent address at the top of the Kingsway. We are in the presence of the finest dentist in the Circle of the World.' And one must appreciate the irony.

  Farrad blinked into the glaring lamplight. 'I know you.'

  'Yes.'

  'You are the one who was a prisoner of the Gurkish.'

  'Yes.'

  'The one they tortured. I remember… you were brought to me.'

  'Yes.'

  Farrad swallowed. As though the memory alone is enough to make him vomit. He glanced up at Frost and the pink eyes glowered back, unblinking. He glanced round the grubby, bloodstained room, at the cracked tiles, at the scarred table-top. His eyes lingered on the paper of confession lying upon it. 'After what they did to you—how can you do this, now?'

  Glokta showed Farrad his toothless grin. 'After what they did to me, how could I do anything else?'

  'Why am I here?'

  'For the same reason as everyone else who comes here.' Glokta watched Frost plant the heavy tips of his fingers on the paper of confession and slide it deliberately across the table towards the prisoner. 'To confess.'

  'Confess to what?'

  'Why, to spying for the Gurkish.'

  Farrad's face creased up with disbelief. 'I am no spy! The Gurkish took everything from me! I fled my home when they came! I am innocent, you must know this!'

  Of course. As have been all the spies who confessed in this room over the last few days. But they all confessed, without exception. 'Will you sign the paper?'

  'I have nothing to confess to!'

  'Why is it that no one can answer the questions I ask?' Glokta stretched out his aching back, worked his creaking neck from side to side, rubbed at the bridge of his nose with finger and thumb. Nothing helped. But then nothing ever does. Why must they always make it so very difficult, for me and for themselves? 'Practical Frost, would you show the good master our work so far?'

  The albino slid a dented tin bucket out from under the table and dumped the contents without ceremony in front of the prisoner. Teeth clattered, and slid, and spun across the wood. Hundreds of them. Teeth of all shapes and sizes, from white, through all the shades of yellow, to brown. Teeth with bloody roots and with shreds of flesh attached. A couple tumbled from the far end of the table and bounced from the grimy tiles, clicked away into the corners of the narrow room.

  Farrad gaped down in horror at the bloody mess of dentistry before him. And even the very Prince of Teeth can never have seen such a thing. Glokta leaned forwards. 'I daresay you've pulled a tooth or two before yourself.' The prisoner nodded dumbly. 'Then you can probably imagine how tired I am after this lot. That's why I'd really like to be done with you as quickly as possible. I don't want you here, and you certainly don't want to be here. We can help each other.'

  'What must I do?' muttered Farrad, his tongue moving nervously around his own mouth.

  'It is not complicated. First you sign your confession.'

  'Thorry,' mumbled Frost, leaning forward and brushing a couple of teeth off the document, one of them leaving a long, pink streak across the paper.

  'Then you name two others.'

  'Two other what?'

  'Why, two other spies for the Gurkish, of course, from among your people.'

  'But… I know no spies!'

  'Then some other names will have to serve. You have been named already, several times.'

  The dentist swallowed, then shook his head, and pushed the paper away. A brave man, and a righteous one. But bravery and righteousness are bad virtues to have in this room. 'I will sign. But I will not name innocent men. God have mercy on me, I will not.'

  'God might have mercy on you. But he doesn't hold the pliers down here. Clamp him.'

  Frost gripped Farrad's head from behind with one great white hand, tendons standing from the pale skin as he forced his mouth open. Then he shoved the clamp between Farrad's jaws and spun the nut round nimbly between finger and thumb until they were held wide open.

  'Ah!' gurgled the dentist. 'Ayrh!'

  'I know. And we're just getting started.' Glokta pushed back the lid of his case, watched the polished wood, the sharpened steel, the shining glass spread outwards. What the… There was a disconcerting gap in the tools. 'For pity's sake! Have you had the pliers out of here, Frost?'

  'Nuh,' grunted the albino, shaking his head angrily.

  'Damn it! Can none of these bastards keep their own instruments? Go next door and see if we can borrow some, at least.'

  The Practical lumbered from the room, the heavy door hanging ajar behind him. Glokta w
inced as he rubbed at his leg. Farrad stared at him, spit running from one corner of his forced-open mouth. His bulging eyes rolled sideways as a howl of pain came muffled from the corridor outside.

  'I do apologise for this,' said Glokta. 'We're usually a great deal more organised, but it's been busy as hell here the last few days. Such a lot to get through, you see.'

  Frost pulled the door shut and handed Glokta a pair of rusty pliers, handles first. There was some dry blood and a couple of curly hairs caked to the jaws.

  'Is this the best they could do? These are dirty!'

  Frost shrugged. 'Whath a ifferenth?'

  A fair point, I suppose. Glokta gave a long sigh, struggled up from his chair and leaned forwards to peer into Farrad's mouth. And a sweet set he has, too. A pearly white complement. I suppose you'd expect prize-winning teeth from a prize-winning dentist. Anything else would be a poor advertisement for his trade.

  'I applaud your cleanliness. It's a rare privilege to question a man who appreciates the importance of washing the mouth out. I can't say I've ever seen a better set of teeth.' Glokta tapped at them happily with the pliers. 'It seems a shame to tear them all out, just so that you can confess in ten minutes time instead of now, but there we are.' He closed the jaws around the nearest tooth, worked his hand around the handles.

  'Gurlgh,' gurgled Farrad. 'Glaigh!'

  Glokta pursed his lips, as though considering, then released the pliers. 'Let us give the good master one further chance to talk.' Frost unscrewed the clamp and pulled it from Farrad's mouth along with a string of drool. 'Is there something you wish to say?'

  'I will sign!' gasped Farrad, a long tear running down one cheek. 'God help me, I will sign!'

  'And you will name two accomplices?'

  'Whatever you wish… please… whatever you wish.'

  'Excellent,' said Glokta, as he watched the pen scratching against the paper of confession. 'Who's next?'

  Glokta heard the lock behind him rattle. He scowled as he turned his head, preparing to scream at his presumptuous visitor.