Itchy Mitch and the Taming of Broken Jaw Junction

by Duane L. Ostler

  Chapter 11 - How Mitch Arranged for the Town to be Safe While he was Gone

  Two months had passed since Mitch started courting Judith Mae. During that time Broken Jaw Junction saw more peace and quiet than it had since gold had been discovered, since every bachelor in town had gone on his best behavior in order to let Mitch spend time with Judith Mae.

  Mitch took full advantage of the free time. He and Judith Mae took buggy rides into the country and went on lots of strolls through the hills, looking for rare flowers or plants. Sometimes they would just sit and talk on Farmer Jones' porch while poor Suzy Mae watched jealously from the window and then started to argue with her father over why he wouldn't let her go courting too.

  But the thing Mitch and Judith Mae liked best was to spend time in their gardens. They spent hours in Mitch’s garden at the sheriff's office, tenderly watering each plant, carefully weeding down each row and talking to all of the beets, radishes, egg plants, etc. Then they would walk out to Farmer Jones' house and spend more hours doing the same thing with Judith Mae's flower garden. With all the attention and love they were getting, Mitch's vegetables and Judith Mae's flowers couldn't help but grow and prosper. Some of Mitch's potato's looked as big as watermelons, and the deep velvet color of Judith Mae's roses was so amazing that bees would come from miles around just to see it.

  Finally there came a day when Mitch was sitting in his office staring out the open window while twiddling a cantelope vine between his finders. Cousin Elias was trying to swat flies with a horseshoe (without much success).

  "So, when ya gettin' married?" asked Cousin Elias absently. He asked this question at least 40 times a day, and Mitch had long since stopped answering. (For those who might be curious, Cousin Elias had already asked this question 2,472 times).

  For a moment the only sound in the office was the drone of the fly Elias was trying to swat. Suddenly he took a wild swing and banged his horseshoe into Mitch's desk. "Blasted fly!" said Elias darkly. "This horseshoe just isn't working too well. Do

  you think I'd get him quicker using a horse harness?"

  "A week from Friday," said Mitch.

  "Hey, now, it won't take me that long to get him," said Elias.

  "No," said Mitch. "I'm just answering your question, and the answer is a week from Friday."

  "Question?" said Cousin Elias. "What question?"

  "The question you asked a minute ago," replied Mitch, picking up his watering can and heading for the door.

  "What question did I ask a minute ago?" mumbled Elias, while Mitch went out to water his broccoli plants. "I didn't say anything. I was just trying to swat that fly and I asked the same question I ask every day—"

  Sudden realization dawned on Cousin Elias. He smacked the side of his head with his hand and then let out a loud whoop. "Halleluiah!" he cried in a voice so loud that he scared a chicken outside the window half to death. Then he ran outside to pump Mitch's hand and congratulate him over and over and over.

  Within fifteen minutes news of the wedding was spread all over town. There was dancing in the streets in front of the saloon since the miners and cowboys knew they finally had a chance at Suzy Mae. Then they all started getting ready to see her. Once again there was a massive amount of bath taking, haircut getting and general sprucing up. (Joe Cloober sold another bottle of cologne for $50). After that, a mass of eligible bachelors (led by Cousin Elias) headed for Farmer Jones' place.

  When they got there they found Farmer Jones sitting on his customary chair on the porch with his shotgun in his lap. However, this time as the men approached he got up, set the gun aside, stretched his huge arms, and ambled out to meet them.

  "We've come to call on Suzy Mae," a dozen voices said at once.

  "Well, boys," said Farmer Jones, "I am a man of my word. Now that Judith Mae will be getting married I won't stand in the way of anyone who wants to call on Suzy Mae."

  A cheer went up from the crowd and a large number of hats were thrown in the air.

  "However," said Farmer Jones, waving his hand for silence, "you guys still have a problem."

  "What?!" cried about fifty voices in consternation. "What's wrong now?"

  "Well," said Farmer Jones with a slight smile, "I think this is all a little sudden for Suzy Mae. She's used to just waving to you boys from a distance, rather than actually courting someone." He coughed self-consciously, then said, "she's hiding under the bed and won't come out for anyone."

  The wedding of Mitch and Judith Mae promised to be the most exciting event the town had seen since Old Jake found gold. The schoolhouse, which also served as the town church on Sundays, was being decorated by the Ladies Aid with every pretty, frilly thing they could find. An organ was being imported all the way from Sacramento and a reception was planned after the wedding at Judith Mae's flower garden outside Farmer Jones' house. After that the newlyweds were going to leave for a two month honeymoon to visit Mitch's family in West Virginia, and a lot of other exciting places in between.

  The only person who wasn't excited about it all was Cousin Elias. As soon as he learned that Mitch and Judith Mae would be gone for two months leaving him in charge of law and order in town, he headed straight for the office to start packing.

  Mitch watched him silently for a moment, then asked innocently, "whatcha doing?"

  "You know darn well what I'm a doin'!" replied Cousin Elias curtly. "I won't last a day as deputy in this town with you gone, and everybody knows it. This place is gonna be sheer chaos two hours after you leave."

  "Hmmm ..." mumbled Mitch, rubbing his chin. "Well, you know, I actually already arranged for a temporary sheriff to take care of things while I'm gone. I was kind of hoping you’d stick around to help out this new sheriff."

  "Really?" said Cousin Elias looking up in surprise. Then suddenly he snorted and went back to packing. "Whoever it is will end up in Boot Hill in less than a day. And I don't intend to be laid to rest with him!"

  "It's somebody you know," said Mitch. "I think they were looking forward to working with you."

  "You're just tryin' to make me curious,” replied Cousin Elias. "I don't care who it is. There's nothing you could possibly say to convince me to stay and work with him. He'll have to do it alone."

  "O.k., then," said Mitch offhandedly. "I'll tell Suzy Mae you don't want to work with her."

  Elias dropped the gold pan he was packing with a clatter and whirled around to stare wildly at Mitch. In a hoarse voice he croaked, "what did you say?"

  Mitch laughed. "Tell me," he said casually, "is there a man in this territory, bad or good, who wouldn't do anything Suzy Mae asked them to do? Why, I think even the meanest galoot would willingly put himself in jail in a flash if she just asked. So I arranged for her to be temporary sheriff in my absence—with you to help her out as deputy, of course."

  Cousin Elias mouthed some words but nothing came out. Then he grabbed Mitch and gave him a bearhug, after which he went dancing around the office yelling 'yippee!' 'yippee!' 'yippee!'

  Mitch laughed again. "I thought you might like the idea. So it's all settled then? You'll stay?"

  "WILL I?!" yelled Cousin Elias. "She's been holed up under her bed since you announced you were gettin' married. She won't see anybody. But now she'll have to see me!" Then, not knowing what else to do, he gave Mitch another bearhug.

  "Well, I'm glad to hear you like the idea," said Mitch with a smile. "I've only got one question for you."

  "What's that?" asked Cousin Elias.

  With a twinkle in his eye, Mitch asked, "so, when are you two getting married?"

  The day of the wedding arrived with a clear blue sky and plenty of sunshine (of course, 360 out of 365 days a year in the Nevada desert are blue sky days with plenty of sunshine). When the hour of the wedding arrived, every man, woman and child in Broken Jaw Junction jammed into the school/church and overflowed out onto the street. There were even a few people up on the roof, hoping to
somehow hear what was said inside.

  Judith Mae looked stunning in a flowing white dress that stood out in stark contrast against the dull, grey countryside surrounding Broken Jaw Junction. She looked so pretty and angelic and happy (even when standing next to her sister Suzy Mae, who had ventured out to the wedding), that all of the bachelors started wondering why they had let Mitch have her. Meanwhile Mitch stood silently nearby decked out in a shiny black tuxedo that used to belong to the undertaker, which he had left behind when he left town. (It hadn’t been used since then, since no one had died in town since Mitch arrived) Mitch seemed to be in kind of a daze, with a rather goofy, nervous smile on his face, and he kept fiddling with the flower in his buttonhole so much that the poor thing was soon a mangled mess.

  After the preacher droned on for awhile (along with about 1000 flies), he pronounced them officially hitched. Then there was the traditional throwing of rice (only they used ragweed seed instead since there wasn't much rice in Broken Jaw Junction) and cheering and shooting. Then everybody followed the bride and groom out to Judith Mae's flower garden at Farmer Jones' place for the reception. There was plenty of chili and bread for everyone, and lots of salad from Mitch's garden (which hardly anyone ate) and some cake and plenty of water to drink. (The saloon keeper had set aside his dislilke of Mitch for the day by offering to discount his drinks for the reception, but Mitch and Judith Mae had decided that water would keep the peace much better). Since Suzy Mae was the only unmarried girl in town, and had ran straight home after the wedding to hide under the bed again, Judith Mae went into the house and tossed her bouquet under the bed, so Suzy Mae could catch it and therefore be the next to be married.

  During the reception, a few of the miners and cowboys who thought they could sing (even though no one else did), formed a little quartet and serenaded the crowd. This made Mitch's dogs start to whine and howl and run around in circles. What with the cheering and shooting and back slapping and talking and singing and dog howling, there was so much noise it must have been heard all the way to Soda Jerk Springs.

  All in all, it was a great day, a celebration the likes of which Broken Jaw Junction had never seen. Even the saloon keeper was happy, mainly because he knew he wouldn’t have to see Mitch’s face in town for two whole months during the honeymoon.

  Later that afternoon Mitch loaded up the buggy and got ready to head out on to West Virginia. When he was nearly done, he looked up the street and saw a crowd coming from the direction of Farmer Jones' place. They were led at the front by Judith Mae, Suzy Mae and Farmer Jones who was carrying his shotgun. Cousin Elias and about 100 eager eligible bachelors followed behind them.

  When they arrived at the sheriff's office, Suzy Mae said in a trembling voice, "I'm here to start work as substitute sheriff."

  Mitch smiled and said, "You're a mighty brave girl to take on this job, and I'm grateful to you." Taking off his sheriff's badge he handed it to her. "Do you think you can handle it?"

  "No problem there," said Farmer Jones. "I decided to come along and bring ol' Bessie here (he patted his shotgun affectionately) so's I could help."

  "And I'm here to help too!" said Cousin Elias eagerly.

  "That's great," said Mitch, facing Farmer Jones and Cousin Elias. "But Suzy Mae will actually be the sheriff, and will make all the sheriff decisions, so you two will need to follow her orders.” Turning back to Suzy Mae, he asked, “So what do you think? Does it look like something you can do?"

  She looked at the badge in her hand for a minute, then said, "If I put this badge on, I'll be the sheriff, right?"

  "That's right," said Mitch.

  "And I'll have the authority to enforce the law and tell people what to do?" asked Suzy Mae.

  "Yep," replied Mitch.

  Suzy Mae smiled and put on the badge. "Then I'll be just fine," she said happily. Then turning to the crowd of eager bachelors, she said firmly, "I want you all to go about your business and stop following me or I'll lock you up for vagrancy!"

  No one moved. Being locked up in jail close to Suzy Mae was just what they all wanted.

  "Oh, and I should mention," Suzy Mae added, "I'm going to be staying at my house while I’m sheriff, and let Cousin Elias keep the jail, with the instruction to fix your meals from Mitch's garden."

  Everyone scattered. Within thirty seconds there wasn't a single bachelor to be seen except for Cousin Elias.

  "Well done," said Mitch approvingly. "I can see that I'm leaving the town in good hands." Then he took Judith Mae's hand and helped her up into the buggy, after which he hopped up himself. "Well, Elias," he said calmly, turning to face his cousin, "you and Suzy Mae are now in charge. Make sure the town stays out of trouble, don't forget to feed the dogs, and remember that Mrs. Gates has free access to all my gardening tools and seeds, since she'll be taking care of my garden and Judith Mae's flowers while we're gone."

  Cousin Elias smiled stupidly, standing as close to Suzy Mae as he could get.

  "Suzy Mae," said Mitch, "this cousin of mine is a good guy, although he does get a bit excited at times. Think you'll be o.k. to work with him?"

  Suzy Mae looked at Cousin Elias (who turned red in the face). Then she smiled and said, "One hundred men all at once is too much, but one is just fine! We'll be o.k."

  "I'll make sure of that!" growled Farmer Jones, waving his shotgun.

  Mitch smiled, then said, "we'll be seeing you then in about two months!" Then he clicked to his horse and headed out of town.

  And that is how Mitch outsmarted everyone who wanted to take the town back to lawlessness during his honeymoon by appointing Suzy Mae as sheriff. And that is also how he rode off into the sunset with the girl of his dreams.

  If you enjoyed this book, please let the author know: mailto:duanelostler@gmail.com

  OTHER BOOKS BY DUANE L. OSTLER:

  Fiction

  My Science Teacher is a Wizard

  My Math Teacher is a Vampire

  My History Teacher is a Leprechaun

  Detectives in Diapers: The Mystery of the Aztec Amulet

  The Wards of Clovis Gloober

  Santa v Afton (under pen name "Silas Flint")

  Running for the Guv (under pen name "Silas Flint")

  Miss Lydia Fairbanks and the Losers Club (under pen name "E. Reltso")

  Crazy Pete (under pen name "E. Reltso")

  Nonfiction

  James Madison, American Prophet

  The Ninth Amendment: Key to Understanding the Bill of Rights

  A Conversation About Abortion Between Justice Blackmun and the Founding Fathers

  Abortion: What the Founding Fathers Thought About It

  How to be Your Own Lawyer in a Non-Criminal Case in the USA (under pen name "Silas Flint")

  The First Auto Laws in the United States (under pen name "Silas Flint")

  Bizarre Takings Cases in the United States and Australia (under pen name "Silas Flint")

  The Government Took My Property! A Comparison of Acquisition Law in Australia and the United States (under pen name "Silas Flint")

  Also, you might enjoy the following, coming soon from Duane L. Ostler:

  COUSIN ELIAS AND THE TAMING OF QYPSY JANE

  After a month-long honeymoon, Itchy Mitch is back in Broken Jaw Junction. This time he and his vegetables have to face rampaging Indians, a smooth talking gambler, and the coming of the railroad.

  But even these difficulties are nothing compared to the coming of ‘Gypsy Jane,’ who lands like a thundercloud on Broken Jaw Junction. Raised in the desert by coyotes, she is the meanest, toughest, orneriest person anyone has ever seen—until she falls head over heels in love with cousin Elias!

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Duane L. Ostler was raised in Southern Idaho, where the wind never stops. He has lived in Australia, Mexico, Brazil, China, the big Island of Hawaii, and—most foreign of all—New Jersey. He has driven an ice cream truck, sold auto parts, been a tax collector and sued people whi
le practicing law, and also has a PhD in legal history. He and his wife have five children and two cats.