Afraid to Hope (Secrets & Seduction)

by MJ Nightingale

  To Louisa’s surprise, Ana opened the door and made her way onto the back porch to join her friend, a cup of steaming coffee in her own hand. The look on Ana’s face said it all. She was up at this ungodly hour, for her, to either get the scoop or interrogate her friend. Probably both. Ana usually got up later, not having to be at work until the afternoon. But apparently her text from yesterday, and the fact that Lou was tucked into bed in her room with doors closed when Ana had returned from work after eleven, did not dissuade her red-headed Amazonian friend for setting her alarm early to question her. Lou blushed and looked away, taking a sip of her own cup of coffee.

  “I set my alarm for this. So?” Ana informed her as if reading her mind when Louisa didn’t immediately begin spilling the beans.

  Lou shook her head, and snickered. “So . . . what?” she drew out the “so” trying to stall for time.

  Ana sighed and shook her head. “Louisa, my dear, I get a text from you saying you were going out to dinner with Jay. You gave me the address, and that’s it. I come home and find you barricaded behind closed doors. I nearly woke you up, if you were even in fact sleeping.” Ana’s look implied she had didn’t believe her friend had been sleeping. When Lou still said nothing, Ana continued, “Spill Louisa Denise Sears. So, Jay, from the flea market, I presume the two of you had a good time.”

  Lou blushed furiously and shook her head in the affirmative. Ana was correct in her thinking and Lou was reluctant to admit it. She’d been up half the night and got up super early as well contemplating her actions. In hindsight, she didn’t regret going. Jay intrigued her and the chemistry between them was undeniable. But as the night wore on, the age difference and her eagerness, and willingness to participate in their “unusual activities” after dinner had led to doubts, and insecurities.

  “What did you do?” Ana said on a gasp at the sight of the blush.

  “I-I . . . had dinner with him. He grilled on the barbecue at his place,” she answered.

  “His place?” Ana questioned, green eyes sparkling, eyebrow lifted in curiosity. Her tone was one of intense curiosity. “How did you end up there?” When Lou said nothing immediately Ana pounced. “Let’s not play twenty questions darling because I am not letting you go to work until you tell me everything. And I mean everything.” Ana tapped her long fingernails against her coffee cup and got closer to where Lou stood on the deck that overlooked her backyard.

  Lou turned to her friend. She cleared her throat and began cautiously. “I-I ran into him when I was coming back from lunch. He must have had an appointment or something there, and we talked for a bit. Then he showed up when I got off work, and asked me to take a ride with him, and have dinner.” Lou answered trying to explain, but not give away too much until she could wrap her mind around the situation.

  “A ride?” Ana inquired. “I knew he was a biker!” she clapped her hands enthusiastically. “So?” Ana was good at not saying much. She made statements sound like questions which meant she wanted you to expound upon your answers. Yep, Lou thought, it was another one of her infamous interrogations. If she didn’t spill, Lou knew, Ana would corner her and not let her go to work.

  Lou gave in. “Yes, he showed up on a motorcycle. You were right! He promised to return me to my car. He of course was flirting like mad, and I made him promise to return me unscathed, and texted you to be safe. You know, in case he was an axe murder or something, so you would have the address to send to the police if needed.”

  Ana laughed. “Police, please! You worry too much. An axe murderer? How brave of you? I hope it was worth it.” Ana laughed and took another sip of her coffee, and continued to prod Lou. “What, might I ask, did you do after the ride?” She was still laughing and Lou blushed again. “It’s not like you to blush so much Lou. What a tell you have! I love it. So, you went for a ride?” Again the statement question and pregnant pause thingy that she had perfected.

  “Um . . . well, we went to a place near Pine Island. We talked for a bit, and then went to his place which was close by. We went there and had dinner, and then he brought me back to my car.”

  “Oh poo. That doesn’t sound like fun at all. And, I know you’re not telling me something or else there would not be all this blushing. So, do tell.”

  “Ana!” Lou whined. She walked back towards the table and grabbed her cup of coffee using it is a shield and delaying tactic.

  Ana followed her. She was in hot pursuit. “Uh-uh, none of that. You butted in with Teddy and I, and I am just returning the favor. Spill!” It was a command.

  “Well, there was kissing and stuff.” Lou blushed again and set her cup down.

  “Stuff sounds promising.” Ana’s words came in breathily.

  “Yeah, and well that’s it. I am not saying anymore.” Louisa put her foot down to emphasize the point.

  Ana took a stop back, but spoke again. “Okay, one question. Then I will change the direction of the conversation. I won’t ask for the minute details. Okay?” At Lou’s suspicious nod of agreement, Ana asked bluntly. “Did you fuck him?”

  The red came back, furiously. She could feel the patches of heat on her skin and neck.

  “Oh, my . . .”Ana trailed off poking her friend in the arm and laughing. “You don’t’ have to answer. I think I just got it.” Ana tipped her head back and laughed. “Oh darling, good for you!” she gave her friend praise.

  “No, no . . . you misread . . .” Ana gave her a sharp look, so Lou added, “But there was intimacy.”

  Ana’s laughter had ended and she got closer to her friend. “Okay, intimacy’s good.” Ana was nodding, encouraging. “Okay, one more question.” Ana’s smile turned to pure mischief.

  “But you said . . .”

  “Eh, I said I would change the direction I was going in. I’m not done yet!” Lou just shook her head in despair. The grand inquisition was truly here. Ana continued. “Okay, so the next question then is, are you going to see him again?”

  “I . . . um . . .”

  “I’ll take that as a yes. It better be a yes. You haven’t had any real fun in months. It’s exactly what you need, but I can tell you’re having some doubts and possible regrets. One. Don’t. Two. Remember why you moved here. Three. Have fun. You came here to live, remember,” Ana pleaded. “I know you don’t have as much experience as you let on. There was Robert, and then Carmine, but other than that, your relationships were non-committal and brief. Just see where it goes, okay.” Lou nodded showing she was thinking along those same lines herself. “And don’t be ashamed of doing the deed, girl. It’s not like we are teens anymore. You are not looking for happily ever after right now. You got to try them on for size first, you know. Oh, speaking of size . . .” Ana’s eyebrows waggled with mirth as the conversation took another three hundred and sixty degree turn. Lou shook her head, but finally laughed with Ana remembering the t-shirt and the Ten Inches that was now a part of her contact list.

  “I know. You are right. I guess it just all took me by surprise is all. It just seemed so fast, but I really couldn’t help myself. He is so hot, Ana! What’s got me bothered is he is a bit younger.” Lou had decided to air it all out and get her friend’s perspective.

  “Younger. Really? He didn’t seem . . . oh well, it is not important anyway. How old is he?” Ana inquired.

  “Twenty-nine,” Lou admitted.

  “Oh, puh-lease. Old enough, and your only six years older, that just means he will have great stamina. You’ve got to appreciate a younger man for that fact alone.”

  “Five and half years . . .,” Lou’s comment was ignored as the door to the kitchen swung open.

  “Hey,” a voice called from the doorway. Teddy came out, Ana’s boyfriend, also carrying a steaming mug of coffee. “You going to trade me in for a younger guy? I’ve never heard you complain about my stamina before,” Teddy teased hearing the last part of the conversation.

  “You didn’t mention Teddy was here.” Lou blushed again.

  “It’s kind of the reaso
n I didn’t ‘wake you’.” Ana used air quotes. And then to Teddy. “No darling. I won’t trade you in. Ever!” she pronounced with fervor and love, but she couldn’t help adding, “If your stamina ever flounders my sweet, delicious man, they have little blue pills for that.”

  Teddy cleared his throat before speaking and sounding angry said, “Hey, I have no problems with my stamina!”

  His tone was light, but his eyes spoke volumes. Men and their egos, Lou thought. Both Ana and Lou laughed.

  “But to answer your question, Teddy bear, Lou went out with that guy Jay from the flea market last night and she found out he was a bit younger, twenty-nine.”

  “Oh, that ain’t nothing,” Teddy shooed the issue away and tried to give Lou a show of support, his smile kind. “Let me go put on another pot of coffee for you girls. I took the last of it. I’ll leave you so you can have your little girl talk.” Lou appreciated Teddy doing that. He always seemed to know when to give the girls a bit of privacy. It was enough having to talk this out with Ana when she didn’t have a clear direction in mind herself. She liked the time to mull things over, while Ana believed talking about things made them become clearer. That was her job after all. She was a kid’s counsellor in a detention center for wayward male offenders. Teddy passed by her, gave her a wink and then silently shut the door behind him.

  Lou sensing her friends’ quiet for doubt, put her arm comfortingly around her, both of them leaning on the railing while Missy continued to explore the yard, and the wild fauna behind them. “Listen, Lou. Please take some advice from me. You are a beautiful, stunning woman that has a lot to offer. I have taken your advice on more than one occasion, but this time let me return the favor.” When Ana had Lou’s attention, she told her, “Don’t over think things. Don’t plan this out. You haven’t put yourself out there in a long time. The dating scene is just dating, Lou. You went out with Jay, you had a good time, and you deserve that. Keep it simple. I see the wheels spinning. Stop it. You don’t need to make a pros and cons list, you don’t need to make a choice. You just need to live in the moment right now.” A dawning of light began to appear in Lou’s eyes at Ana’s words. She was over thinking things. She always had, well since Robert. Ana saw the glimmer of hope in Lou’s eyes and she pounced on it. “Carpe diem, baby. Seize the day. You gave up your youth, your fun, your late teens and twenties to raise your daughter alone, I’m proud of you for that. But now, you have no one to protect. It’s your time.”

  Lou nodded, “You’re right, Ana. I am over thinking this. It’s a couple of dates, some fun. My dream of moving here was to find satisfying work, and a place of my own, and to have some fun experiences. Things I have denied myself long enough.” Feeling more confident in herself, more confident about her choices than she had in a long time, Lou hugged her friend. Yeah, she thought, I guess I did need this talk after all. I have no one to protect right now, and it’s time to live a little.

  By lunch time her confidence was up even more. She had exchanged several texts with her daughter who was super excited about her upcoming field project exploring the Penobscot River and the basin. Her daughter reiterated her apology about cancelling for Thanksgiving, but reminded her it was just a few more weeks until she would be arriving for Christmas.

  She reached for the reception room’s double doors, and all of a sudden her new found confidence, and happiness flew right out the window. When she pushed open the door into the waiting room of Dr. Carroll’s and Dr. Fairbanks’s suite of offices, what she saw hit her with the force of a sledge hammer. Even though his back was to her, there was no mistaking that physique. The broad shoulders, the apple-bottom ass. The long muscular thighs. It was Jay, and he was standing there talking with Dr. Fairbanks. Oh my God, he was a patient, was her immediate thought. This could not be happening! Her job, she loved it here, but she couldn’t be fraternizing with the patients. No, say it wasn’t so. A cold dose of reality dumped buckets of ice water down upon her. Her heart pounded in her chest, and she felt a bit faint.

  Jay turned at the sound of the door opening. Bella began to gather her things to make ready her departure. Dr. Fairbanks, not seeing Jay’s facial expression as he now faced her, looked concerned at what must clearly be the shocked expression on her face. “Hey, Lou!” Jay’s surprise gave way to a smile that spread across his face as he recognized her. “This is a surprise!”

  “Hey,” Lou stated looking from Dr. Fairbanks to Jay and back again.

  Bella was passing her in a rush to meet up with her own boyfriend and mumbled on her way out the door, “No appointments until a quarter after.”

  “Okay,” Lou murmured back and then she was looking at Jay again, and could see Dr. Fairbanks’ look of confusion begin to clear as he looked from Jay to her, and then back again. He must be picking up the signs. He was a psychiatrist after all, and counsellor.

  Lou was sure she was going to lose her job. She looked from one man to the other, and then as she tried to think of something to say in that instant to try to explain, she began to notice something unusual about the two men. It was the eyes, then the chin, and then it dawned on her. Oh, my freaking LORD!!!! It was worse than she had ever imagined. Jay Russell was not a patient at the clinic! No fucking way! He was Dr. Fairbanks’ son! HOLY HELL! But why did they have two different last names? It made no sense. The blood thundered in her ears. She all of a sudden felt cold, as if sheets of ice seemed to fill her veins.

  Lou began to sway, and Jay seeing her about to go down, was suddenly at her side. His hand slipped behind her back and his other arm slipped around her waist. He forced her to walk to the sofa and sat her down. Dr. Fairbanks followed and sat beside her and took her hand taking her pulse.

  “Lou, are you okay?” Dr. Fairbanks’ voice penetrated her brain. It was full of concern.

  She wet her lips, and tried to speak, but just kept looking back and forth between them. “I . . . I . . .” she stammered.

  “It’s okay, my dear. No need to explain,” he chuckled softly, fatherly. He shook his head and Jay looked terrified.

  “What’s wrong with her, dad? Explain what?” he asked of his father, a bit of fear in his voice. His grey arms showing alarm.

  “This is the girl you took out last night, Jay. The girl you told me about at lunch. You met her a few months ago, and ran into her yesterday.”

  “Yeah, it is. I know it’s a weird coincidence. Crazy that she works here, of all the offices in the building. I had a suspicion yesterday when she talked about her job, but there are quite a few doctors here on this floor. I thought it might be one of the others. “

  “Well, Jay, obviously the coincidence took her by surprise and she nearly fainted over it.” Lou nodded looking back and forth between them.

  “Women!” Jay teased and both Jay and Dr. Fairbanks laughed.

  “It’s . . . it’s not funny,” she muttered finally finding her voice. She was angry that they were laughing at her.

  “No, no, Lou. So sorry, you are quite right.” He patted her hand and Jay shook his head working hard to contain his laughter.

  “But why is she so upset?” he asked.

  “Ask her Jay? I think she can respond now, and we don’t want to annoy her further, by talking about her like she isn’t here,” he gave his son a smirk. Lou was a bit angry at them for doing that, and at herself and her female reaction to the shock. Jay should have mentioned it yesterday, too. Louisa shook her head one more time to clear it, and then pulled her hand out of Dr. Fairbanks’ and rubbed them against her pant legs to warm them.

  “Why are you upset?” Jay asked concern returning to his face. That concern, so evident and plain, diffused a bit of her anger.

  “I . . . walked in and . . . you were here. I th-thought at first you were a patient, and that I could lose my job and . . . then . . . I saw the similarity between the two of you . . . and I put two and two together. You don’t have the same last names though. It was a shock.”

  “Lose your job . . .” Jay looke
d to his dad.

  Dr. Fairbanks interrupted, “Well, it is a good thing he is my son and not a patient. I wouldn’t have fired you under either circumstance, but if Jay had been a patient, I would have helped to find you work elsewhere, Lou. We have to keep a professional distance, the entire staff does, Jay, from our patients. But, this situation does not reflect on your professionalism. Nothing to fear there, Lou. You are dating my son. You are both adults. You met outside the office, and you conduct your affairs of the heart out of the office.”

  “Your names?” she asked still confused about that part.

  “Oh, Jay has his mom’s last name. I wasn’t a part of his life in his early years.” Lou saw the brief look of pain cross Dr. Fairbanks’ face, and resolved not to ask about that.

  Lou looked at both Jay and his father and simply nodded, and Jay’s look of concern eased and he began to smile again.

  Dr. Fairbanks stood up then. “Let me give you a bit of time to talk. I will be in my office.” He looked at his watch. “That gives you about ten minutes before any patient may arrive.”

  After the door shut to the inner office, Jay sat next to her on the sofa. Her silence had him slightly concerned. “I am sorry I laughed.” When she was still silent, he put his arm along the back of the sofa and pulled her to him. “Crazy, right?”

  His arm felt good, yet at the same time it was disconcerting to know his father was in the other room, maybe thirty feet away. It made her subconsciously shrug her shoulders, and he withdrew his arm.

  His eyes narrowed. He waited for her to speak. “Lou?”

  “Yeah, crazy,” she whispered not wanting to be over heard. “You should have told me your dad worked at NAMI.”