Afraid to Hope (Secrets & Seduction)

by MJ Nightingale

  Moments later he withdrew, and collapsed onto his side. That had been fucking awesome and his own orgasm had been much more intense than it had been in a very long time. Wondering why for about a nanosecond, the guilt suddenly descended and evolved into near panic. Fuck! The condoms in his bedside drawer! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Breathe! His heart clenched tightly in his chest. His vision became tunneled and he fought not to lose control. Not now! It felt like he was having a heart attack. He had forgotten to wear a condom, something he never forgot to do. “Lou,” he whispered gently yet urgently in the darkness, darker for him.

  Her breathing had not yet returned to normal, but she responded. “Yes,” she panted.

  “I forgot to wear a condom?” he murmured leaning on one elbow to look her in the eyes. He was trying to focus. He hoped, prayed she was on the pill. Please let her be on the God damned pill, he thought, as the tightness in his neck began to increase, like a vise.

  Lou thought she saw panic there, and wanted to reassure him that she was clean and on the pill. She took them to regulate her periods as they had begun to become irregular recently. She too could have brought up using a condom, and she felt guilty as well, but slightly hurt by his reaction. “It’s okay, Jay, I am clean,” she told him wanting to reassure him of that first. “I have no diseases. I’m also on the pill.” She saw the panic leave his eyes when she mentioned the pill. He was still young and she couldn’t blame him for worrying about that.

  “Oh, thank goodness,” he replied and collapsed back onto the bed. The pain began to recede. He took several breaths and his vision began to return to normal. Lou turned on her side to watch him. He saw her. “I’m sorry, Lou. I should have been the one . . . I have never forgotten before. In fact, I bought a fresh supply the other day. I am clean as well.” He wanted to give her the same assurances.

  Lou was relieved to hear him tell her that as well. She believed him and told him so. She wanted to reassure him. “Okay, I believe you, Jay.”

  “Okay,” he breathed, but still she heard a slight edge in his voice. Maybe he wasn’t convinced she was disease-free, or maybe it was the pregnancy thing. So she added, “How about we use condoms from now on, at least until we know each other a little better.”

  Jay’s relief swept through him. He felt like a cad, making her think it was that he didn’t trust her. He put his arm under her head, and using his hand he forced her head to his chest so she wasn’t looking at him. “If you’re on the pill, Lou, I’m okay with it,” Jay replied tentatively but he sounded a bit better Lou thought.

  “Whatever you need, Jay,” she murmured against his chest, and began to stroke his abdomen, his ribs, playing with his chest.

  Fuck, Jay thought. He had nearly had a full blown panic attack. He felt Lou scooting closer to him curling into his side, and she threw one leg over his. He chuckled softly at the intimacy of the position, and surprisingly it helped to soothe him more. They lay like that for a while until she dozed off.

  Lou awoke when she felt the touch of Jay’s lips on her forehead.

  “Mm,” she murmured as he began to stroke her back and the arm he could reach.

  She began to stroke his chest and then trace the intricate designs of his tattoos, the ones within reach, at least. She wondered what they meant. Lou decided now was as good a time as any to ask about his tattoos. She felt his heartbeat becoming regular underneath her ear. “Jay, tell me about your tattoos,” she whispered in the dark. She could barely see them. The light of the moon that had previously cascaded into the room was no longer visible. She could here thunder in the distance, and so clouds must have rolled in blocking out the light.

  He lay quiet for a time and she thought he may not have heard her words spoken so softly. “The dagger, here,” he pointed, “It pierces the skin and into the heart.” She looked where he indicated. “Well, it symbolizes a time in my life where I felt like I was being stabbed in the heart.” His words were matter of fact, said without emotion, as thunder boomed outside getting closer. He continued, unfazed by the noises. “The tree with the bare branches represents my family.” He paused and she thought he might explain, but his voice again gave away no emotion, but his heart rate picked up. She could hear it under her ear as she lay on his chest. She wanted to ask about that comment, but didn’t want to pry either. She waited in the silence between claps of thunder for him to speak, to give her some clarification. Instead, he chose to go on to his other tattoos instead. “I’ve got my infantry unit here, my years of service here,” he said pointing to those dates. I’ve got this dragon because I thought it would be cool. I’ve got a pinup girl because she’s hot. And then the ivy is for my squad, my infantry unit. Connected. It was our symbol, like ivy we grow and surround and protect when called upon. The leaves falling off the ivy that trickle down to my wrist are the guys in my platoon I lost.” His voice remained flat, like a reciting of facts from a history book. There were nine leaves she counted and then mentally slapped herself for asking about his tattoos in the first place. Some had been for fun, but others meant a great deal to him. The ones he hadn’t explained, well, the significance of that screamed that this man had pain in his past. They were still too new to each other to share those kinds of intimacies, even though they had shared the physical parts quite well.

  “They are all beautiful,” she whispered trying to show some sign of support for what he must have gone through.

  “Thank you,” he whispered and pulled her onto him. Jay silenced her questions with a kiss. That kiss led to another, and then led to touching and stroking. They communicated very well without words, Jay thought, as his cock hardened and he needed to have her wet pussy clench it like a vise. In a matter of minutes she was riding him like a stallion, and then he spun her around so she was hanging onto one raised knee as he bucked his cock in and out of her tight sweet pussy. She sunk onto him, and bounced up with each thrust of his hips, over and over again sliding and gliding her clit along his leg until she screamed, “Oh yes, yes, fuck me. Oh Jay!” His cock was rammed so high up into her pussy, Jay felt every wall, all that hot flesh clench around him, squeezing his dick. In this position it pulled his cock down slightly, and it was a fucking fabulous sensation. He slapped her ass when he wanted her to go faster or harder, urging her to meet him thrust for thrust. Even though she rode, he could control the tempo and the pace. If he wanted to slow her down, he could reach up and give her hair a little tug. Oh yeah, fucking A! He grunted his own release as she jerked above him hanging on for dear life, he liked the reverse cowboy.

  Louisa woke early, as was her custom. The sun shone in through the bedroom windows facing the road. It was a beautiful morning, and no sign of the tempestuous weather from the previous evening could be detected through the windows. She eased out from under Jay’s massive arm slung across her tiny frame and quietly made her way to the bathroom. Last night had been amazing, crazy, fun, bewildering, and thought provoking. She knew she shouldn’t over think everything, but that is how she operated. She planned every step, and made each decision with the ultimate of care weighing all her pros and cons before making a calculated decision.

  Jay was another matter. Her heart told her to go with it, her libido chimed in with a resounding hell yeah, and her new adventuresome spirit said this is what you wanted. But her head told her, be careful. Even though his words last night when describing his tattoos had been said devoid of any emotion, each and every word unsaid meant something, like the pictures that spoke for him without words. Her head told her she needed to know what they meant. She had to be patient, and she would need to figure it out.

  Lou decided a shower would help clear her foggy head. Five beers had her quite tipsy last night, even a little drunk though she hadn’t finished the last one. Those drinks had left their mark on her. She was never one to imbibe so much. Perhaps she would be able to think more clearly after she washed away the cobwebs of drink, and last night’s pleasures. Then, maybe, she could figure out this puzzle that was Jay. She
hoped it wouldn’t wake Jay though, she thought as she tiptoed quietly out of his room wearing his army t-shirt from last night.

  Mornings were always her favorite times. Her life had been busy, chaotic, and full, and this was her time, her mornings. She liked this time in the morning to herself, it was quiet and she needed that right now. She adjusted the water from the faucet and then, when it was hot enough, she stepped under the delicious spray. It felt amazing. After last night’s acrobatics she was sore in places she never knew she had muscles in before. Her scalp even hurt where Jay had tugged on it during the reverse cowboy. Hmm, she thought. She wouldn’t mind doing that again. The feel of Jay’s cock in that position had been pleasurable to say the least, that, and the fact that she could slide her clit on his leg, had been simply delicious. He had kept changing the pace, so she wasn’t able to come so soon, but she was sure she could have had multiple orgasms had she been the one in control. Mm, she shivered at the thought of that. Next time, she thought with mischief as she began to soap her body.

  Lou began to rinse, and thoughts of the tattoos Jay possessed came back into her head. She tried to figure out the tattoos meanings, but nothing was coming to her. The tree could mean he didn’t have much of a family, and the dagger piercing the heart obviously meant pain, but she was sure there must be more to it than that. It was the way he had spoken of it, so detached. Or was it the note of haunting she had heard in his voice during the brief storm that had waged around them. She would have to talk to her friend, Ana. She was always good at figuring people out. She was a counselor after all. Lou was just finishing with her hair when she heard sounds from outside the bathroom door.

  “Be out in a second,” she called.

  “Okay,” she heard Jay call out. “I’ll put on some coffee.”

  Louisa shut off the shower reluctantly. It had felt so good. The hot water and the needle like spray had awoken her, body and mind.

  Lou hastily toweled off her body, and dried her hair as best she could. Then she used the towel to wrap around herself, and made her way back into the room Jay was using to sleep in. She looked towards the floor where her clothes from last night lay scattered. Ugh, she thought. She had no choice, but to don her clothes from the previous evening as she had not packed for an overnight stay. Why hadn’t she thought of that? Well, it’s not like she could have brought an extra bag riding behind Jay on a motorcycle.

  Glancing in the mirror, she quickly finger combed her hair, managing to get through most of the tangles. She definitely needed to at least carry a brush, she thought as she managed to make herself somewhat presentable.

  Once in the kitchen, she noticed Jay was wearing a fresh pair of jeans, but he was shirtless. And his upper body was amazing. His arms bulged underneath his tattoos, one arm fully adorned in ivy, and the other arms having the dragon, the pin up, the dagger, and the tree, but his chest was still unadorned by any tattoos. His chest was sculpted, his abdomen defined, and they tapered to his waist. His jeans weren’t buttoned at the top, and the sight of him was having an effect on her already. Twice last night, and she still wasn’t satisfied. She didn’t think she could ever have enough of this man.

  Jay was getting coffee cups out of the cabinet when he saw her. He was disappointed to see she was already fully dressed. But knowing she had a dog at home, he’d figured she would want to get home to take care of her.

  “Coffee’s almost ready,” he stated putting the cups down next to a small container of creamer and a bowl of sugar. He approached her and pulled her to him, and pressed a kiss to her lips. “Last night was amazing. I hope there will be more of that.” He was always so direct, saying what he meant. She liked that about him, and it made her feel secure in his feelings. The fact that in the here and now, she could count on his words to be true. That is when something clicked with Lou. He may have his secrets, things he did not like to talk about, as did she, but they were in the past. Buried there, scarring even, but it was the past. It was all a matter of letting go of that past, learning to like yourself, and hoping the future would bring better things.

  She didn’t need to wonder. Jay would tell her in due time, and for now that is the hope she hung onto.

  Lou had left Jay’s place not too long after breakfast as she had Missy to contend with. Also, she had an appointment with a realtor who was showing her some places to rent or buy in her price range. Now after meeting Jay, she was even more determined to find a place of her own. She had saved a considerable bit before moving to Florida, and had saved even more while living with Ana, but it was time to move on and start her own life. She hoped the realtor, a friend of Monica’s, a woman named Annie “O”, could find her something in her price range. The market had been great for buyer’s recently, home prices being down, but it was picking up again, and Lou hoped she could buy before the kind of home she wanted went out of her price range.

  After taking care of a grumpy Missy, and playing with her, Lou went back inside Ana’s place to freshen up and get ready for her appointment with the realtor. Just as she was finished changing, Ana came bouncing down the stairs in a t-shirt and thong that barely hid her assets.

  “Hiya, Lou,” she stated cheerfully, eyebrows raising and lowering suggestively. “I hope your night was as fun as mine.”

  Lou could not help but laugh at her sex addicted friend. Sex was on the brain with her. “It was,” Lou answered back, and Ana stopped in mid-stride on her way to the refrigerator.

  Whipping her fiery hair behind her, she demanded, “Tell!”

  “Later,” Lou promised still laughing. “Annie ‘O’ is supposed to be here soon to take me to look at some places.”

  “Oh, I want to come. I almost forgot. I’ll be quick. Let me just go tell, Teddy.”

  “No, no,” Lou shook her head. “You don’t have to. Teddy’s here.” But Ana had grabbed some OJ and was already heading back up the stairs.

  Ana stopped and turned. “Na, don’t even worry about it. He has to get going in a bit and help unload a delivery at the bar. I was going to go to Tampa tonight and meet up with him later. Spend the night there. Plus, if I go with you I will get the scoop on last night.”

  “But Annie’s going to be there,” Lou squinted her displeasure at revealing her intimate details in front of a stranger.

  “Oh. You don’t know Annie ‘O’.” Ana was laughing as she turned and finished her assent up the stairs to her room.

  Good, to her word, Ana was quick. Looking amazing in a pink sequined satin blouse, with a denim jacket, and black leggings, she was the epitome of classy chic meets casual. She could pull off anything and make it look classic with her tall slender frame, and near to perfect proportions. Lou looked down at the navy button up, fit and flare that accentuated and hid her curvaceous upper body at the same time. Even though she was small, her giant bosoms she thought made her look frumpy.

  Sighing, she hooked elbows with Ana, and they went outside to meet Annie “O”, who had texted a few minutes ago she was on her way but would be ten minutes late. Teddy was ensconced on the sofa, with Missy at his feet getting scraps of toast while Teddy simultaneously read the paper and listened to the weather report. There was another late storm rolling in. He promised he would lock up Ana’s place when he left, go do his work, and Ana could join him later for dinner and an evening out.

  Lou smiled inwardly. That meant she had the place to herself. Although Jay had said he would call, she contemplated calling him and inviting him over. Cooking for him. Her finances, like his, were limited, and she tried to conserve every penny for her home, and the things she would need for it. Jay was focused on school right now, and only did the t-shirt shop to pay expenses. He needed time to study as well.

  “So tell,” Ana giggled breaking into Lou’s thoughts. “Enquiring minds want to know.” And Lou spilled as much as she could in the next eight minutes before Annie’s arrival. Although Lou continued to quiz her on the way to one place and then the next. And true to Ana’s word, Annie “O” help
ed to gang up on her if she wouldn’t spill, and interrupted often to offer her sage advice and give her opinion on all issues. When the talk steered back to sex, Annie, the adorable little blond New York transplant with the pixie haircut, who had helped both Ana and Monica find their homes, proudly informed Lou in her thick Bronx accent, “The ‘O’ in Annie ‘O’ does not just stand for my last name, you know.” Lou snorted when Annie surprised her with that remark. Annie “O” was quite the character.

  The house hunt, had not gone as well as Lou had hoped. The girl talk had been fun, but everything Annie had shown her had been too big, too out of her price range, or involved some community fees she just couldn’t’ afford. Annie had told her not to despair, and that Ana and Monica had seen nearly fifty properties before they found the right fit for them. Lou knew it made sense to see as much as she could, to see what the market was offering in and above and below her price range to see the value of her home. That and she was impatient as well. She had hoped to be in a new place by the New Year, a symbolic fresh start.

  Plus, her daughter would be home at that time. She had wanted her daughter to be able to help pick her décor and furnishings to know she would always have a home with her mom, even when she was away at school.