Afraid to Hope (Secrets & Seduction)

by MJ Nightingale

  “And miss the chance to blow things up. Fuck no, the Fourth of July and New Year’s Eve are my favorite holidays, for that reason alone,” he laughed.

  “Really?” she asked intrigued at this revelation. She wasn’t surprised about the Fourth, he had been in the military after all. But New Years?

  “Yeah, I love fireworks,” he laughed. “I’m like a kid in the candy store when I get to blow shit up.”

  “Okay,” Louisa laughed. “The noise doesn’t bother you?”

  “Nope. Not at all. Not those kinds of noises,” he admitted.

  “I’ll miss you this week,” she added as he walked out the door.

  “Hey, I’ll stop in Wednesday. We will do the movie. I want you to have time with your daughter. And we will do New Year’s Eve, and maybe we can squeeze in the fishing thing I was talking about on New Year’s Day. I’ll see if my dad will come out. We can take his boat out, and do some deep sea fishing.

  “Oh, that would be awesome. I’ve never been deep sea fishing. Veronica will love that.”

  “Cool, then we will do all of that.” He gave her one more peck on the cheek.

  Lou watched him get on his motorcycle and drive off, and although she would cherish this time with her daughter, she was missing Jay already.

  The week had flown, and New Year’s Eve was upon them. Louisa and Veronica were on their way to Ana’s for the evening to watch the ball drop, and Jay was meeting them there.

  Ana had, with Teddy’s help, quite a bit of help, prepared many appetizers and finger foods for the festivities. She had decorated her patio with signs displaying the New Year, and balloons, and streamers.

  They arrived around eight thirty and Monica and Victor were already seated around the table outside sipping cocktails that Teddy had prepared. Lou, knowing she needed to drive, smelled the contents of the pitcher.

  “What’s this?” she asked.

  “Sex on the Beach. Ever had it? It’s Ana’s favorite,” he replied seriously, but she caught the glance between him and Ana. There must be a story there, she thought, and made a point to remind herself to ask about that.

  “I want one,” Veronica stated, looking at her mom.

  She wasn’t twenty-one, but Louisa nodded her consent. “One, a small one, and maybe a glass of champagne when the ball drops, so make it last. Drink it slow,” she cautioned.

  Teddy winked at Veronica filling her glass to the top. Veronica smiled back and retreated to the table finding a comfortable spot next to Monica, her all-time favorite babysitter growing up.

  When Louisa gave him a sharp look, he whispered, “They’re virgins. The alcohol is over there. I didn’t want her to feel left out. Want one?”

  “Okay,” she nodded figuring Veronica could drive if she felt a little too tipsy. He filled her glass half way, and then winked at her, grabbing the alcohol surreptitiously and filling the rest of the glass.

  “Give it a stir with your straw,” he cautioned and passed her the glass then slid the bottle of alcohol behind some larger soda bottles on the buffet table that had been set up with food and their drinks.

  Louisa joined the larger group sitting at the table. They were just missing Jay now. They chatted about the holidays as they listened to the music emanating from the sound system that Teddy had installed on the deck. It was tuned into what was happening in Times Square as various performers sang, and Ryan Seacrest talked to celebrities about their New Year’s resolutions.

  Jay arrived, and everyone waved their greeting as he made his way up the back stairs. He had followed the noises he had heard after getting off his bike.

  “Jay, my man!” Victor, came around to shake his hand, and clapped him on the back, Teddy right behind him.

  Jay kissed Monica and Ana on the cheek, Veronica as well, before sitting beside her.

  “I left a box of fireworks under the house, Ana,” he informed the group. Her home was on stilts being so close to the water.

  “That’s fine,” Louisa laughed rolling her eyes. “Louisa told me you were bringing some things, and Teddy and Victor went out and bought some as well. We will have plenty of stuff to explode later on.”

  Monica laughed. “Yeah, Victor said if Jay gets to blow stuff up, then so do we.”

  “Boys and their toys!” Ana murmured seductively in Teddy’s ear, but they all heard it. “I like a different kind of fireworks, and toys, if you know what I mean?”

  “We all do,” Monica teased.

  Everyone laughed and then Veronica, a bit slow on the uptake finally caught the drift of the conversation. At the tail end of everyone’s laughter, she piped in with her own, “Ewwww, so gross. All of you. God, you’re supposed to be the adults. Just gross, gross,” she stated and got up to go fill her drink. Teddy winked at Louisa.

  Everyone was laughing again when Jay piped in with a, “I’m not old,” he indicated Victor with a nod of his head.

  “Fuck off, Jay,” Victor teased. He was the oldest in their group. And they were all laughing again. “Baby,” he added for good measure.

  “Hey, I’ll be thirty next month, so I’m not a baby like she is,” he pointed at Veronica.

  “You’re only twenty-nine! Mom said you were younger. You must like cougars,” she teased trying to get in on the fun.

  “Just that cougar,” he laughed blowing Louisa a kiss.

  “Hey, thirty-six isn’t that old,” Louisa piped in and kissed Jay on the mouth.

  “Please, let’s not descend into grossness again,” Veronica rolled her eyes, and then raised her glass for another sip of her cocktail. “Hey, these drinks are not very strong, Teddy. You sure you’re a bartender?” They were all laughing again.

  “What did I miss now?” Veronica stated with exasperation. She looked around the table for answers that no one was willing to give. She shrugged her shoulders and took another sip of her watered down cocktail.

  The rest of the evening proceeded in the same fashion, lots of teasing, and reminiscing about the past for the girls. Monica was the only one a bit silent. All of them there knew this holiday marked the anniversary of her rape all those years ago. The loss of her innocence at seventeen had left its mark.

  Louisa sighed, seeing Victor’s hand constantly stray into her lap to give her hand a squeeze and include her in the conversation when she lagged. It was touching and considerate. He was definitely proving to be a very considerate boyfriend now that they were official. Lou was happy for her, all of them.

  Ana and Teddy had their own special ways of showing affection too, and it was typical Ana. She’d walk past him, and bite his ear. He’d pass by her and slap her ass. Different then Victor’s displays of affection, but nice nonetheless. And as they talked she realized Jay was not like either of them. He was definitely affectionate when they were alone, but when it came to public displays of affection, his were more verbal, and like Ana a bit on the vulgar side. She didn’t mind though. She loved his slightly off color jokes, shocking and inappropriate as they may be. She looked over at him talking to Victor and smiled. He fit right in. It felt right.

  “Really? Well, that is strange,” Ana replied over her caramel macchiato.

  The two girls were enjoying a beverage and a shopping outing, rare lately.

  “Yes, I just don’t understand it,” Louisa replied two weeks later. Louisa had just finished telling Ana about her New Year’s Day outing, deep sea fishing with Veronica and Jay, his dad and stepmother.

  “So, you had a blast. Jay paid lots of attention to Veronica, nothing awkward happened. Then he didn’t call you for a week. You called him several times. He spoke with you, but was abrupt.”

  “Yes, all our talks over the phone have been stilted. It’s got me worried. He did come over this past weekend and well it was about sex only.

  “You think he is pulling back?” Ana asked concern in her voice.

  “Yes, and I just don’t get it,” Louisa complained.

  “Hmm, I don’t know either. It’s hard to say. What was he
like when you were together last weekend?” Ana asked taking another drink of her frappe.

  “Honestly? It felt just like a booty call. He seemed apologetic when he left though. He came over for a few hours on Friday and Saturday, and then Sunday he said he had to put in some extra hours at the airport.”

  “This weekend was the same?” Ana asked.

  “Yes,” Louisa sighed her frustration.

  “Hmm, it doesn’t sound too good, to be frankly honest with you,” she stated her lips pressed into a grim line. Ana saw the worry lines around her friend’s eyes and racked her brain trying to think of something to tell her. She was sure Jay loved Lou, but why this, now? “What about inviting him this next weekend to my place for dinner. I’d like to see him, observe him,” she stated. “Plus, I’ve got a bit of news I want to share with you all. Teddy and I are taking a little trip this week, and when we get back, we want to have everyone over. Monica and Victor are coming. Having the guys around might ease the tension.”

  “Yeah, we could try that.” Louisa didn’t sound convinced.

  “He’s got finals this week, it just might be that. Also, when someone loses a spouse, sometimes there is guilt about moving on. It could be that. But, if we can’t figure this out, you’re just going to have to come right out and ask him. We don’t need any more miscommunications and misunderstandings, right?” Ana gave Lou a look that spoke volumes. All six of them had gone through this, and were still learning how to be better partners, and communicators.

  “Yeah, but . . .,” she paused, “I-I am just kind of afraid to push him,” she admitted. “We just got back together, and I think he is probably afraid to have an anxiety attack, another episode of PTSD. That could be another reason he is holding back. He’s still not spent the night, either.”

  “You’re probably right, I think. But maybe a group thing, will distract him. Now that I think about it, you just might be over thinking things again. You need to talk it out.”

  “Yup, that’s me. I have to work on that,” Lou laughed. “Okay, enough of this talk though, for now. You said something earlier that has me curious. What’s the news?”

  “Ah,” Ana toyed with a long strand of her red flaming hair. The earrings Lou had gotten her for Christmas dangled from her ear lobes. “You’re just going to have to wait,” she teased.

  Louisa felt the change in Ana. She looked like the cat that caught the canary.

  “Come on, Ana. Since when do we keep secrets from each other?” Lou joked.

  “Now, don’t pressure me on this point. You’ll have to wait and hear the news from Teddy and me together. It’s not just my news.”

  “Oh, you and Teddy together,” Lou teased, leaning down to sip her drink.

  “Don’t do that, and don’t try to guess either because I don’t want to ruin the surprise. Plus, you’d never guess in a million years anyhow. Just wait and enjoy the shock,” Ana said breathlessly increasing the suspense.

  “You never cease to shock me, Ana. Never,” Lou said and rolled her eyes at her friend.

  Lou enjoyed her shopping trip with Ana immensely. It had helped distract her from her worries about Jay and the new direction their relationship was taking. It seemed to be more casual than serious, on the surface at least. She also knew below the surface there were very real emotions there on both their parts, it just seemed Jay was reluctant to admit it to himself because of his past.

  She thought she knew why he was creating this sense of separation and casualness. It was something Ana had said about Magdalene. She felt because he had lost so much he didn’t want to put his heart on the line for future heartbreak in case he ever lost her. Or that he felt guilty that he was moving on. At least that is where her musings had taken her. She hoped that it was the case. She could give him time to mourn, to come to that conclusion on his own and realize that loving her was worth the risk.

  But she couldn’t allow this to go on indefinitely. She didn’t like being just a booty call. Perhaps Ana was right and some couple activities would help to tear down his walls and give him a bigger sense of security, make him realize that he had a bigger network of support than he realized. But how much time? Argh, she was frustrated. That question plagued her. How to ask without putting pressure, what to do to get out of this limbo they were in? She shook her head, and got ready to jump in the shower. She had a full week of work ahead of her. She needed to focus on that so she could endure the nights alone. Well, Missy was there, but nights alone after a five minute conversation with Jay with no clue as to when they would see each other again, left her feeling a bit insecure.

  She had the shower on, and was just about to step inside under the delicious hot spray when she heard her cell phone ring. She shut the taps, and went to answer it quickly. It could only be Jay, or possibly Veronica who was back at school.

  Without looking at the caller ID she answered the phone. She hadn’t wanted it to go to voicemail. It was Jay.

  “Hey, babe,” he responded to her hello. “Just wanted to see how your shopping trip went.”

  “It was fine. We had fun,” she responded. “How about you? How was the airport?”

  “Great, I finally caught up on all my hours, and because I passed my two math tests last week I’ll get my FAA patch!” He sounded pretty pleased with himself. He was so close to finishing. Just a few more months.

  “That’s great, Jay,” Lou responded enthusiastically. Louisa knew that finishing this program of study was important to him. The FAA patch meant that he could start interviewing for positions soon, and employers would take his credentials a lot more seriously knowing that he was fully qualified to work on small planes, and jets. He hoped to get hired in Tampa or St. Pete. He definitely wanted to remain in Florida. Miami, Orlando, Jacksonville, and Gainesville were all other possibilities. He also planned to look at the smaller airports, as well. He wouldn’t mind working at one of those even though the pay was less. He would be happy as long as he was busy and it kept his mind occupied. He also wanted to be close to his dad, and her, of course he had told her. That could also be weighing on his mind.

  “Yeah, the final stretch is here, and now it’s all on the job training. No more course work. I’ll be working in Tampa three days a week to get the experience of working on the bigger planes, and here in Brooksville the rest of the week.”

  “That’s great!” Lou knew he liked the small airport and the guys who already worked there. Lou was keeping her fingers crossed that he was offered a position right there.

  “Yeah, it is, but it just sucks being on the road so much. But hey, it is what I signed up for, right?” he asked.

  “That’s right. And you’ll get used to it though, don’t worry about it. It’ll become routine.” Lou wanted to cheer him on, and encourage him to pursue these goals even if it meant a long distance relationship for a while.

  “Yeah, you’re right,” she heard him say, but his voice had faded. Then, “So anyhow, I’ll be in Tampa tomorrow through Wednesday,” he stated lamely even though she knew he was excited to be working on the big planes. He was saying without saying that the early part of the week, he would be too tired to come over. When she remained quiet, he added. “So I’ll come by towards the end of the week then.”

  “Oh,” she stated switching gears suddenly. Ana’s invitation! “I almost forgot. Ana is having a dinner thing. She invited us over on Sunday next week. Monica and Victor will be there.

  “Umm, well . . .,”He started and she felt he was trying to formulate an excuse even though he liked the guys and had really enjoyed New Years.

  “Please,” she asked. “Ana says she has some news. We won’t have to stay long if you’re concerned about getting some rest before driving down to Tampa the next morning.

  “Okay, babe,” Jay relented. He could tell by the sound of her voice how much it meant to her. He had hated disappointing her these past few weeks seeing her only on the weekends. What little time he had, he wanted to spend with her. With school, he had ju
st had some major exams, and now he was going into a full time internship with an added hour drive, both ways to boot, for most of the week.

  And, he knew it wasn’t just that. He knew she sensed the real reason he was pulling back, and he wasn’t spending as much time with her as he could. But in his defense was also the fact that since the Robinson’s were back for two months he was living on his dad’s boat. That meant more driving.

  “Thanks,” she stated. “It means a lot to me.”

  “I’m sorry, babe, with exams, the internship and training, being at my dad’s . . . It’s just difficult. March it’ll get easier. I’ll be closer. More time for you know . . .,” he joked trying to lighten her mood.

  It didn’t. “Yeah, okay. March then.” He heard her sigh, knew her frustration. He would make it up to her, he thought. He just had to get his head around this. Explain to her, talk to her and he would. “Hey, listen, babe, I was just getting into the shower when you called, and left the water running,” she lied. “I don’t want the hot water to run out.”

  “Thanks for that image,” he teased. “How is a guy to get some sleep now?” She laughed. “Okay babe, get in the shower. I’ll talk to you during the week.”

  “Okay, bye. Love you,” she said as she hung up the phone. Holy hell! She realized it immediately. She had said the words. God, no pressure right! The towel she had around her slipped to the floor. Like the words, it had just slipped. She hadn’t meant to say it. She hoped this didn’t make things worse. Should she call? She reached for her phone again. She stopped her hand. No, she would wait. It was in his ball park now. She couldn’t take the words back. That would be a lie. Even if she hadn’t meant to say it, she did feel it, and she meant every word.

  God, those words to Jay pained him deeply at first. He knew she felt it, had known since she had taken him back. Since she had agreed to listen to him and hear him out. They cut deeply, like a knife, but at the same time, they also felt absolutely incredible to hear.