by Cee, DW
“Where does she get that bad temper from? She did the same thing to me the other day. She practically flipped the chair over. Give her a few more pounds and I’ll have to nail furniture to the ground.”
“Her name says Howard. It must be a Howard trait. I know I’ve seen it in a Howard many times since I was about Ali’s age.”
“Like you really remember something that happened over thirty years ago. I think that little girl is a spitting image of her mo…”
That’s where the conversation ended. My friend reverted to the I-don’t-know-what-the-hell-we-are, brother-in-law. Tonight’s conversation ended abruptly, but was a solid jumpstart to our friendship.
Chapter 14 - Ben
Should I Stay Or Should I Go ~The Clash
“Marni.”
“Hey Ben. How are you? How’s Ali doing?”
“Why haven’t you been answering any of my calls?”
“I’ve been busy. Work started up again, and Noah and I’ve been running every night. Sorry.”
“I’m going crazy trying to figure out what happened between you, Melody, and Jean. Why’d you leave so abruptly?”
“What did your family tell you?”
“They told me you three came to a conclusion that it was time for you to leave.”
“If that’s what they told you, then that’s what you should go with. Is Ali well?”
“She is now that you’re express-shipping breast milk. She didn’t eat for an entire day until your milk arrived. Even after tasting your milk, she won’t let any other woman feed her. It must be something about your scent. No woman is welcomed, but she’s all right with her daddy. I’m home all day feeding my daughter.”
“But Ali’s healthy? She’s not fussy?”
“She’s well. The doctor says she’s growing up healthy. Did you get the pictures and videos I sent you?”
“Yes. Thank you. I love going through them. Please send more. I miss your little girl.”
“She misses you, too, Marni. Come up and visit. She hasn’t been the same since you left. She’s very particular about who holds and comforts her. I’m about the only one she’ll allow.”
“Oh Ben. I wish I could be with Ali one more time. I miss her so much.”
“Come visit, Mar. Ali would love that. You promise to come by?”
“Sure, Ben. I’ll come see her one day.”
I’d been back from my business trip for three weeks now, and Marni and I were kind of back to normal. She took care of Ali no differently than before, and as promised, Ali was always ready for bed in her bedroom, at my house. After Mar put her down, it was awkward the way she left in a hurry. It was as if she didn’t want to say more than good-bye for fear we’d have another faux pas run-in like we did when I almost admitted that my daughter was the spitting image of her mother. What an idiot I was at times.
Today, I had an important conversation that I’d been putting off since I’d returned from New York. It was time to talk and make a decision.
“Mar?” I caught her steps before she made her stealth escape.
“Yeah?” She had a guilty stare.
“Do you ever swim anymore? Do you swim when Ali naps?” That was a random thought, but a good one to break our ice.
“Um, no. I don’t have a pool at home.”
“What’s wrong with the pool here?”
“It’s not my house,” she blurted.
I stopped to think about what she’d said. None of it made sense. We needed to have a meeting of Ben and Marni tonight.
“Where’s your suit?”
“Downstairs bathroom, next to the pool, I think? Unless you’ve packed it up so you, too, have no memories left of me.” There was a dig in there for both me and Noah. I chose to ignore her comment.
“Go get a swim in. I think the lack of chlorine is making you ditzy.” From naïve to sarcastic to indignant—several emotions flitted through her face. “I’ll heat up our wings and get the beer ready. We have something to talk about.” Now there was a look of fear. “Dread not, Mar. It’s about work. I have to discuss work issues with you.” With relief, she left the room and went to swim. I did as I promised and went to heat up our spicy wings.
“That felt so good! My body didn’t feel right for days now and I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me.”
“Lack of exercise, probably—that and an absence of beer and wings.” I chuckled.
“I’m starved. Scoot over.”
We were seated at my balcony again, behaving like our usual selves. This was nice. This had always been nice.
“I have a small issue at work that I need to discuss with you.”
“All right. Shoot.”
“This new movie director I’m working for wants all of us to attend a family retreat. He’s big on bonding before we start.”
“And the small issue at work would be what?”
“This is a family retreat. I need to bring my family.”
“All right…” She still wasn’t getting the gist of the problem.
“It’s required I take my family.”
“Then take your family.” She repeated while finishing her fourth wing. “You and Ali can go on this retreat. If you need a sitter, your parents are around. Take them.”
“I can’t take my parents. We’d look like the Addams’ family.”
“Is there a reason why you can’t just go with Ali?”
“There will be a few work sessions and I need someone to stay with my daughter. I can’t trust her with some stranger.”
Mar stopped eating. She finally understood my request/dilemma. “When’s the retreat?”
“Tomorrow…” I spoke apologetically.
“Shit, Benjamin. Do you know how much work it is to pack for a one-year-old? Why the hell are you bringing this up now? You must have known for months.”
“Actually, I only found out when I agreed to this project.” I gave her a nervous grin. “Does that mean you’ll come?”
“Do you want me to come?” she asked flat out.
“That’s what I’ve been tormented about since this invitation came my way.”
Mar snorted and gave me her I’m-exasperated-with-you glare. “Why don’t you go alone? As you saw when you went to New York, I am capable of watching your daughter overnight.”
“It’s a family trip!” I argued. Those were not the right words to spout; she was pissed.
“Then why ask me? If it’s family only, take your parents. Better yet, take your in-laws! They’re your family, too.”
That’s when Mar got up and walked home.
Chapter 14 - Noah
Should I Stay Or Should I Go ~The Clash
“What’s the matter now, Marni?”
“Ben says Ali’s having a hard time adjusting. He wants me to come see the baby.”
“Do you think that’s a good idea? It wasn’t Ben who kicked you out of the house. I don’t know that you’ll be welcomed by your half-sister or her mother.”
“Melody and Jean don’t worry me, but Ali does. Ben says she wouldn’t eat after I left.”
“Is she eating now?”
“Yeah, but she’ll only let Ben feed her. I think she knows that I’m no longer there. Could it be that a newborn knows who had been taking care of her all this time?”
“I’m sure she knows. You carried her for nine months.”
“Should I go?”
“Marni. I think for Ali’s sake, you should stay away. She needs to learn to acclimate to her mother and father. She’s not your child and you can’t promise to be with her until she’s off to kindergarten.”
“I know, but…”
“No buts…she’ll be fine. Place yourself in Melody’s situation. How would you feel if your own child didn’t allow you to feed her? Think of her desolation knowing her child doesn’t want her. It’ll only continue if you go visit. You’ll also confuse the baby.”
“You’re right, but it’s so hard. I miss her, Noah.”
“How abou
t if we go away for a few days? I think you need a break from the Howard family. Where would you like to go? Your wish is my command.”
“She should be home soon, Noah. She’s usually never this late. I hope Ali’s all right.”
“It’s fine, Jackie. I don’t mind waiting. If you’re uncomfortable with me being here, I’ll wait in the car.”
“Now you’re just being silly. You know how much I enjoy spending time with you. I just feel bad that you’ve waited this long. Are you sure you don’t want me to call her and let her know you’re here?”
“No. She might not come home if she knew I was waiting for her.”
My life had come to this pathetic state. After walking out on my bride on our wedding day and kicking her out of our home a few days after, there weren’t too many options left for me. I had no reason to see my once-fiancée, and she had no expectations of ever seeing me again.
“Marni!” Jackie cried in relief. “Look who’s been sitting here for over two hours waiting for you.”
She stopped mid-step and said, “Noah,” in a surprised and not very welcoming way. “I thought you were in Europe with your dad by now.”
“I’ll probably join him soon after my project is wrapped up in San Diego.”
“What brings you to LA?”
“I was hoping to talk to you.”
Marni’s wary face pretty much summed up her answer. Jackie cut her off and told us, “It’s a beautiful night. Why don’t you go out for a walk?”
To prevent a “no,” I answered for us. “Sounds great,” I said, and headed for the door.
“This way,” Marni mumbled and led me toward the beach. “What did you need to talk about, Noah?” She wasn’t her usual sweet self. I didn’t know what was bothering her. I sure as hell hoped it wasn’t me.
“Dad found me a position on his staff and I’ll be leaving within the month.”
“That’s wonderful. I’m sure the Admiral will love working with you.” Was she truly happy for me or happy to be rid of me? I was feeling all kinds of insecurities right now.
“I also have an offer to work in Los Angeles. There’s a secret project happening here and Dad says if I want, he’d come and work here for a while. These are both great options.”
“Anything with your father will be exciting. Which one will you choose?” Finally, I felt an infectious enthusiasm. I almost felt secure enough to explain the reason I was up here again.
“I was hoping you’d help me decide.”
That’s where she stopped and stared. The warmth in her eyes was long gone. The last time I visited, there was at least hurt in those beautiful green eyes. Now, they were empty—void of any feelings for me.
“I don’t understand. How can I help you?”
“With you, I feel I’m always a nickel too short and a dime too late. Now is no different. The only times I didn’t feel insecure about us was during college and our engagement. Both times were too brief.”
“Noah…” There was a huge warning in one simple word.
“I know you won’t leave Ali and Ben won’t let you take Ali to Europe with you. If you’ll give me even an ounce of hope, I’d like to move to LA.” The blank stare remained.
It took her some time before she answered my nebulous request. “I don’t want to fall in love again, Noah.” Her statement was a gunshot to my heart. So quickly she had fallen out of love with me. “I’m content being Ali’s mother and Jackie’s daughter. My heart can’t take any more punches. Can’t you tell by my attitude how calloused my heart has become? You don’t want someone like me, Noah. Find a woman who’s not complicated, someone who’ll love you freely.”
“Just a few weeks ago, your heart was doing fine. It was joyous and full of love. Did I do this to you?” I asked in regret.
Sadness now filled her eyes. I would have preferred anger over anguish. To think, we could have been in the midst of honeymoon bliss rather than me being the author of her pain.
“Let’s not make this hard, Noah. You and I have parted ways because you can’t understand my situation. I’ve accepted our parting; I don’t blame you for walking away. I would never ask you to live a life that I can hardly explain to anyone else. Let’s stay friends.” The beseeching was killing me.
“Is it too much to ask that you give me one more chance?”
“It’s not a matter of giving you another chance. Ali and I are content being just us. Help me adjust by being my friend. I have so much to learn where motherhood is concerned. I want to concentrate on that only.”
What else could I say to change her mind? All appeared hopeless. “May I come back next weekend? Can I take you to dinner after you put Ali down?” Her eyes said no. “Please, Marni. Just a meal.”
“It’s best if you didn’t have any expectations of us. Men, marriage, happily-ever-after, are all bygone days for me. I really am happy being Ali’s mom. Please don’t spoil this for me.”
“All right. I won’t badger you about my potential jobs, but I will drive back up next weekend to take you out to dinner as a friend. Does that work for you?”
It didn’t work for her but she didn’t say so. I only heard her sigh. “Why don’t we get back? You have a long drive home.”
I supposed it was wishful thinking that she’d let me spend the night at her home—or what should have been our home.
Chapter 14 - Marni
Should I Stay Or Should I Go ~The Clash
“Have you been up to see Ali?”
“No, Mom. Ben’s asked me to stop by but Noah thought it was best if I kept out of their lives.”
“I think Noah might be right. I know you miss Ali, but you need to let her go.”
“I don’t know how to feel, Mom. A part of me is so happy she’s my daughter. I’m so proud to have given her life; I can’t wait to watch her grow. The other part of me dreads watching her with Ben and Melody. I don’t want to see them happy. I feel terrible saying this, but I don’t think I can stand to see them as a family.”
“Marni. I think you need to focus on your future rather than Ben and Melody’s. You’ve never answered Noah’s proposal. He’s been waiting patiently. You need to commit or break up. You can’t keep stringing him along.”
“You’re right. I should focus on Noah rather than Ali. Is it too much to ask for both?”
“You are young, Marni. You and Noah can have children of your own. If Noah’s not the man for you, then whoever is to be your husband will be more than happy to have kids with you.”
“I get so sad when I think about not being with Ali. It’s not right to call her my daughter, but in my heart, she’s my child. For some reason, I don’t think I’ll have any more kids. I love Noah, but I don’t see myself creating a family with him.”
“What does that mean, Marni? Will you end things with him?”
“I don’t know what it is that I’m feeling. When we’re together, it works. We accommodate one another and we love each other, but there’s something about us—or better stated, there’s something not quite right about us.”
“So you’ll say no to his proposal?”
“If he asks again, I believe I’ll say no. I’m also thinking I may end our relationship.”
“Oh Marni. Don’t do that. Not now. Not when you’re so emotional over losing Ali. Don’t take out your frustrations on Noah.”
“There’s some of that, but it’s really more a lack of a future, Mom. I don’t see it—a family, us growing old together—none of that is in my heart.”
“Give it a little time. No rash decisions until you’re more settled about Ali, OK?”
“All right, Mom. I’ll think about it some more.”
Shit! What the hell now?
“Marni.” This time it was Ben keeping company with Mom.
“Hey. Is something wrong with Ali? Does she need me?”
“No. It’s not Ali. She’s fine. My parents are with her.”
“Then why are you here?” My question put Ben on the defensive.
“Our earlier conversation wasn’t finished. That’s why I’m here. Is that a problem? Should I leave?”
Dammit. Why me? I had an ex-fiancé wanting some sort of a reconciliation, and an ex-boyfriend/father of my daughter, wanting to chat at this late hour. How did I create this kind of nightmare?
“We’ll talk again, Noah,” were the best words I could muster during this anxious and upsetting moment.
“Dinner next weekend?” he pushed.
“Call me,” I answered.
“Bye.” Noah kissed my cheek and left. Now it was time to deal with my other ex.
“What the hell is he doing here again? I thought you were done with him.”
I didn’t like the combative tone I was hearing. I fought back. “How would you know if I was done with Noah? Have you kept up with what’s happening between us? You’re so worked up about your own feelings, did you ever wonder how I was feeling?”
I saw Mom literally tiptoeing into her room.
“Are we doing this here with your mom listening to our every word? Aren’t we a little too old for this?”
He was right. I was a bit embarrassed to have Mom witnessing all this unnecessary drama.
“Outside,” I spit out and marched.
“Where are we going?” Ben complained. “I’m not dressed for a walk on the beach.”
“Then what do you suggest?” I yelled.
“Let’s go back to my house. I still have beer and wings sitting on my balcony.”
Something about his comment soothed my angry heart. The white flag was out for the both of us. “I don’t eat cold wings or drink warm beer.”
He rolled his eyes at me. “If you’ll stop being a smartass and follow me, you’ll find hot wings and cold beer waiting for you, Princess.”