by Cee, DW
Ali’s arms were up before Ben bent down to lift her and place her on a white horse. With Ben seated behind her, Ali waved her arm to me as she smiled and giggled during the ride. Father and daughter looked content and much in love—one with his daughter, the other with her animal friend.
The one ride turned into many more. We finally got her down when the stable closed for the night. Not understanding the concept, Ali was a terror when we brought her back in the cabin. Ben and I struggled to put her down. Nothing we tried worked. Ultimately, fatigue did her in.
“What the hell was that?” Ben asked.
We both plopped on the couch and placed our heads on the edge. “That tantrum must come from the Howard side of the family.”
“Sure. Blame all the bad traits on me. What do you get? The red hair and the cute smile?”
I froze when Ben actually referred to me as part of this equation. Ben stopped talking and closed his eyes.
“I’ll take the couch. You go in and sleep with your daughter.” Ignoring his comment didn’t erase this awkward moment, but I diffused it the best I could.
“We need to talk…again. These Ben and Marni moments are becoming commonplace.”
“I don’t want to talk, Ben. Let’s call a truce the next few days and then we’ll go back to our norm.”
“The problem is, I don’t know what the norm should be, and I don’t like what I keep doing to you. It is, once again, time to get everything out in the open. If I were a bigger man, I would have done this the moment I found out about Ali’s birth. Obviously, I have issues and because of those issues, it has taken me this long to admit we are long overdue for a talk. Give me the opportunity to say my piece and to ask questions. Then, the floor will be yours.”
Was I ready for this? I sighed deeply. “OK.” One word was all that was needed for the floodgates to open.
“I’m having a hard time…what’s eating me is the fact that…why would Melody…” he started and stopped many times. In the end, all he asked was, “Why?”
Since his wife wasn’t here to reveal her side of the story, I did my best to fill in the blanks. “I’m unsure when Melody learned her eggs weren’t viable. That might be a question for the doctor. When I showed up at the doctor’s office for the first appointment, your wife told me it would be my egg fertilizing with your sperm.”
“Where was I? I thought I went to the first appointment with you and Mel.”
“That was the second appointment. When I showed up to the first one, Mel told me you had decided not to come and were giving me space. I didn’t know that she was lying to me at that time.”
“So when Mel told you about her condition, you got up and left? I remember my wife coming home bawling because you had reneged—at least that was the term she used. Now, I know better.”
“When my sister finally told me of her infertility, copious emotions ran through me. I was pissed she lied. Her manipulative ways hadn’t changed with age. She and her mother always tried to control situations by telling half-truths.”
“Why did you say yes if you were upset? Melody was sure you were done.”
I didn’t want to share these innermost thoughts. These feelings were so private even I felt like an interloper when I reveled in them. Mostly, I was embarrassed to confess why I ultimately gave in and conceived Ali.
“Is this answer a must for you? Would you accept that I came to the conclusion that it would be a nice thing to do?”
“Now that you put it that way, nope. I need an answer.”
“Please don’t read into what I’m about to say, but I did it for you.”
When Ben stayed mum, I knew I was in trouble. “I can’t not read into a statement like that unless you explain a lot more.”
Damn. I should have just lied. “When I realized what Melody had done, I didn’t give a damn if she was disappointed, but I did care that you were disappointed. I couldn’t exactly explain to you why I was backing out of our agreement. In the end, I guess I didn’t want you to be upset with me. No matter what had happened between us, I still cared for you as a friend. I wanted to help you.”
Ben chewed on that information. “All right. Let’s say you did this for me, and ultimately for your sister, too. Didn’t you think I might find out at some point? Wasn’t it weird to carry my child? It surprises me that Melody wanted you having my baby. She had a hard time with us talking to one another when she wasn’t there to supervise.”
I laughed at how true his last statement was. “Did I think you might find out?—no. I wasn’t going to tell. I knew your wife and her parents wouldn’t tell. Who would have thought you’d find out through blood work? Was it weird carrying your child?—kind of. It was weird carrying a child—period! It wasn’t something I had planned. I honestly didn’t think I’d ever be pregnant. Whether your child or someone else’s child, it was all the same. In an odd way, there was something comforting about Ali being your baby. It wasn’t some random guy from a sperm bank.”
“That’s an odd statement, Mar.”
“I suppose.” We stopped and chuckled. “To answer your question on Melody being OK with me as the ‘mother’ of Ali…I think in the end, she couldn’t trust anyone else. She didn’t want you anywhere near me, but it was all right if you weren’t cognizant of how close we actually were. Does that make sense?”
Ben’s eyes metaphorically opened. “That makes perfect sense.” He was relieved to understand this bizarre scenario. “So tell me about Noah during all this. Judging by the way he reacted on your wedding day, he had no damn clue Ali was your child.”
“No, he didn’t. In the end, he’s the one who had every right to be bitter and to feel betrayed. What I did was inexcusable. Had he done the same to me, I don’t know how I would have reacted. He was right to call off the wedding and to kick me out of his life.”
“Where are you now after the wedding fiasco? Does it hurt to have ended with Noah?”
Does it hurt? Yeah. It hurts like hell to lose a fiancé and to know I’d probably never marry. “I’m all right. A daughter for a husband is what I keep telling myself. When Noah came up to see me last week, I told him that I’m content being Alice’s mother and Jackie’s daughter. I don’t need any one else in my life.”
“So you won’t marry? Whether Noah or another man, you’ll stay single?”
“Probably not. If you’re cool with it, I’d like to be Ali’s devoted mom. My mother and I don’t have good fortune in the husband department, but we hit the jackpot with daughters. My mother did fine raising me alone. I believe I’ll be even better off since Ali will have a loving mother and father. Hopefully, your future wife will be amenable to having me as a part of her life.”
“So where do we go from here...again?”
“Do you accept me as Ali’s mother?”
Ben nodded his head slowly in the affirmative. “I know you love her, Mar. It’s just been hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that Melody created this beautiful mess behind my back. I’m angry with her for deceiving me, but grateful to her for leaving me Alice…and you. I couldn’t have asked for a better mother for Ali.”
Hallelujah! Finally, I could love my daughter in peace. “Do you think we can behave like a friendly divorced couple? I’ll take Ali during the days while you work. You can have her whenever you’re home. Maybe on the weekends, I can take her some of the days if I have plans for her? Otherwise, it’ll be as though you have majority of the custody. I won’t overstep your wishes for her.”
“That sounds like a plan. Do you think we can pull it off? I mean, it is a little weird; we were lovers at one point; we are brother and sister-in-laws now.”
“It’s as weird as you make it out to be. For me, I never thought I’d get a chance to watch my daughter grow up, more or less be an integral part of her upbringing. I’m willing to dance to any tune to be with her.”
“All right, Mar. From now on, I accept and welcome you as Ali’s mother. We will do our best to raise… our daug
hter…I’m not perfect, as you know. Be patient with me when I become possessive of Ali and stick my foot in my mouth. I’ll try to curb my temper.”
“You had me at all right.”
This conversation was about perfect!
According to Ben Howard, I was Ali’s mother and Ali was Marni’s daughter. There were no sweeter words.
Chapter 16 - Ben
In The Air ~Morgan Page
“Melody. Why are you up at this hour?”
“Ben, I need help. Ali keeps crying and I don’t know how to comfort her. She won’t let me.”
“How about if you give her a nice hot bath? I saw Marni do that with her often.”
“She’s crying so hysterically, I can’t keep her still enough to take off her clothes. What shall I do?”
“Let’s take her for a walk. She’ll calm down when she hears the ocean.”
“Why am I so bad at this, Ben? Marni never had problems. You don’t seem to have issues. Is it just me? Or is it that my daughter doesn’t want me?”
“Don’t be silly, Sweet Melody. You’ve only been at the motherhood role for a few months now. You and your daughter need to get to know one another a little better. Relax and let Ali know who her mother is.”
“I’ve tried but I don’t get the same response from her like you and Marni. Do you think Ali doesn’t understand that I’m her mom? Could she be confused? Maybe she still wants Marni.”
“Melody, you are doing a wonderful job raising our daughter. I had serious doubts about using Marni as your surrogate, but I think it all turned out well. Our daughter is beautiful and she’ll grow up to adore you.”
“Do you think so, Ben?”
“I know so, Melody. Look at how she’s asleep in your arms already. I told you our baby loves you.”
“Oh my gosh, she is asleep. When did that happen? I love her so much, Ben. I hope she’ll grow to love me too.”
“She will, Melody. Of that, I have no doubt.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure, Melody, but maybe we should continue this talk inside. I don’t like the way you’re coughing. This cold came on out of nowhere.”
“You’re right. I haven’t felt too well the past few days. Maybe I shouldn’t even be holding Ali. I hope she doesn’t catch what I have.”
“Our Ali is a strong girl. She’ll be fine. We just need to get you well.”
“I just wanted to ask you...if by some crazy chance...let’s say if I died before you, would you consider reuniting with my sister?”
“WHAT? Where is this coming from, Sweet Melody?”
“I don’t know. I wonder if you would have been better off with my sister. If I wasn’t here, could you two fall in love again?”
“I think this head cold has gotten to your head in a crazy way. You need to sleep. I’ll put our baby down then come take care of you.”
“I love you, Ben. I always have. No matter what happens, please know I’ll love you.”
We had a successful trip where the three of us were a “family” but we were still Ben, Marni and Ali. Back at home, Mar kept everything status quo except for the sleeping situation. It was odd not having her here at nights. There were times I wanted to ask her opinion on Ali matters as well as work matters, but I was alone. It seemed inappropriate to call her to talk about life; we didn’t have that kind of a relationship. When I needed a friend, I went, instead, to the studio and wrote music.
My career was at a high. Teaching was always rewarding. Music for Hollywood was continually challenging and lately, I felt inspired to create music for myself. There was a part of me that wanted to sing again. Instead of thinking about eating wings and drinking beer with my friend, I thought about words to music that was never-ending in my mind. I had no idea where all this inspiration was coming from, but I was on a musical high.
“Ben? Hello?” I heard Mom in my house.
“Yeah, Mom. I’m in the kitchen.”
“Hello, Son.” My dad greeted me with a bear hug whereas Mom kissed my forehead like she used to when I was young.
“What brings you by at this late hour?”
“We scored two tickets to Wicked, the musical. Have you seen it?”
“I can’t say that I have. Melody and I tried to get tickets one time and I don’t know what happened.”
“Good. Why don’t you use the tickets? Your dad and I have already seen the musical in London.”
“What would I do with two tickets? Ali’s too young to sit through a musical.”
“This is our not-so-secret way of telling you to go on a date.”
“A date?” What on earth?
“Yes, a date. You’re young, Ben. You can’t stay single forever. Melody will not begrudge you the fact that you want to live again.”
“But Mom…who would I take?”
“Really?” Mom asked in a tone that begged, “Are you stupid or something?”
“Yeah, really.”
Mom shook her head looking quite exasperated. Dad only said, “Think it through, Son. I’m sure there is someone you could take.” He slapped my back and left me to think.
What the hell. Did I want to date already? Melody’s passing was only a year ago. Was I ready to meet someone new and go through the get-to-know-you process? As I thought about it, I’d only really been with two women in my life. The first ugly fact was that they were sisters. The next wonderful fact was that they were already my friends. I didn’t have to impress them or wonder what to do on a date with them. We progressed naturally from friendship to relationship. Shit! The more I thought about it, the more lost I was. I had no damn clue how to ask anyone out and what to do during a date. These Wicked tickets were stressing me out.
The easy solution would be to take Marni. However, I didn’t need every family member, Marni included, wondering why we were on a “date.” It wasn’t smart to do anything social with her. But, I didn’t want to be social with anyone other than Marni and my daughter.
Damn tickets!
“Hey. Good morning. You’re up earlier than usual.”
“Hey, Mar. I have a lot going on today so I thought I’d get to the studio earlier than usual. I need to submit some music for the score I’m writing.”
“Hollywood stuff?”
“Yep. Hollywood stuff.”
“What’s this?” Mar found the tickets and asked.
“Mom and Dad brought them over and told me to find a date for the show.”
“Oh.” I thought I saw a flash of something on her face, but she turned away too quickly for me to know what it was. “Who will you ask? You do know these tickets are for Saturday night?”
“Shit. Really? Where am I going to find a date in two days?”
She shrugged and went about her business of making Ali’s breakfast du jour. Lately, all she’d eat were waffles with strawberries. “You need me to babysit Ali Saturday night?”
“Uh, yeah…I guess. I hadn’t thought about that.”
“Should I take Ali to my house so you can have some privacy?”
“Why the hell would I need privacy? It’s so quiet here after Ali sleeps, even my own thoughts are too noisy at times.”
“I thought maybe…never mind.” She pushed away our conversation but I wasn’t willing to let it go.
“No. Finish your thought.”
“I thought maybe you might want to bring the woman back here after your date.”
Seriously? Maybe I was losing it, but I had no thoughts of bringing any woman back here. Shit, I had no thoughts of even going out on a date. Where the hell was I going to find a woman?
“You thought wrong, but if this is your roundabout way of asking if Ali can sleep at your house, that’s fine. There’s no need for you to hang around this house twiddling your thumbs while Ali’s sleeping.”
“Thanks. Mom will be excited to have Ali over.”
I laughed at Mar’s statement. “It’s not as if Jackie’s granddaughter isn’t over at her house every single day. Mom
and Dad tell me of all the fun you five have while I’m at work.”
“Many days, I’m not included in these activities. They each take turns escorting her to a class of some sort. Mom takes her to the Y for swim lessons. Shea takes her to the rec center for art classes, and your dad takes her to the kiddie gym for playtime. And let’s not forget the music class that all three attend with her. I don’t think you’ll find another kid as loved as…ours.”
That ours part was weird to hear. Even Mar had a difficult time spitting it out. I guess we had really turned into a friendly divorced couple.
“So what do you do with all your free time?” I kidded and glossed over the awkwardness.
“Work. Someone’s gotta pay the bills.”
“Do you need help? I’ve told you this before, I’m happy to help financially. Just tell me, Mar.”
She looked appreciative when she answered, “Thanks, Ben. I think we’ll be all right. I’ll do my share in raising Ali.”
“That was not what I meant and you know it, Mar. We are friends. We are family. If you need help, ask and I’ll do the same when I need help.”
Now she was relieved. “Thank you, Ben.”
While Mar went about fixing Ali’s meal, I went to get our daughter who was yelling at us to pick her up.
“Good morning, Baby. Did you sleep well?”
“No Dada! Mama!”
“Your Dada is getting awfully offended, Baby. You need to show me a little more love. I’m a lot more fun than Mama.”
“No!”
I guess she told me. “How about I change you out of your soggy diaper so you can go say hi to your Mama.”
She nodded her head in approval, which made me shake my head in wonder. What in the world was happening where I was taking orders from a discontent one-year-old and still happy about it?
Once she was done with her morning routine, she butt-scooted down the steps and ran to her Mama.
“Hi Mama!” My baby girl’s smile was as wide as Jupiter.
Her mother’s smile was even wider. “Hello my Ali-Girl! You were able to form another two-word sentence.” Mar picked her up and kissed her all over. “I’m so proud of you. Did you just say, ‘Hi Mama?’”