The Deceiver's Heart

by Jennifer A. Nielsen

  Then his hand went to my cheek, cupping it in his palm. He was so close to me, his face nearly against mine. His body even closer. I couldn’t catch my breath.

  That single thought triggered something in me, something deeper than emotion or reason. It was familiarity, a memory just beyond my reach.

  It set my heart racing in an entirely different way than it ever had before. What was happening to me?

  “We’ve been here before, Kes, in a different place, but in this very position. Do you remember it?”

  I barely heard him. Panic was exploding within me. I wanted to hide or fight, or to escape from some terrible danger I couldn’t see, but which I certainly felt. Invisible walls seemed to press in around me, blocking out my air. Why couldn’t I breathe?

  I pushed Simon back, drawing a harsh breath as I did. Struggling for my next breath.

  Simon looked at me, eyes widened with concern. “It’s all right, Kes. Everything is fine.”

  How could he say that? Nothing was fine! Why had he come so close? Why had he looked at me that way, made me feel that way? And why had it stirred up such feelings of panic?

  With a sympathetic sigh, Simon said, “You felt closed in, trapped.”

  How could he have known that?

  As my breathing calmed, I touched my face, almost where his hand had been. This moment had happened before. Deep inside, I knew that it had. But when?

  “You’re remembering something.”

  “I’m not. You just frightened me. If I feel anything when I’m around you, it’s a passionate, burning need to delouse myself. Never come that close to me again.”

  Simon flinched at my words and gave me a long time to recover. Eventually, he pulled an apple from one of the satchels. “Can I come close enough to give you this, or shall I roll it over there?”

  “You can give me water.” I had a plan and I had to stick to it, free of guilt, free of the emotions he stirred up in me. I just needed to escape and then everything would be fine again.

  He smiled and handed me his water skin. I drank a few sips, then said, “Is there anything to eat other than apples?”

  I was far too nervous to eat, but I needed him distracted while I dropped one terrador leaf into the water skin, then a second one. By the time he turned again with some bread for me, I had tucked the last leaf back inside my boot in case I needed it later.

  While I nibbled on the bread, I offered the water skin to Simon. “You must be thirsty too.”

  He stared at it a moment, then looked at me. “Are you feeling better?”

  “I will feel better soon … I hope.” I followed that with a smile, so forced and false that I was sure he’d suspect the truth.

  Instead, he smiled back and reached for the water, taking a long drink before recapping it and returning it to the pile.

  Simon was about to have a terrible night, no doubt. I’d ask him to release the binding cord, promising to find some herbs to help him feel better. I’d get them, and by morning he’d be on his way to full recovery, and I’d be gone.

  Now all I had to do was wait.

  When Simon finally sat on his blanket, he asked me, “What if I’m right? Do you deny that Lord Endrick is powerful enough that he could have affected your memories?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t deny his power, only his willingness to cause me harm. I’ve never been disloyal to him, not a day in my life.”

  “What if you were?”

  I groaned. “He saved my life, Simon. I remember very clearly waking up in Lord Endrick’s palace, feeling groggy and weak. He personally attended to me, asking me question after question to determine how much damage the fall caused.”

  “Asking you questions to determine which memories to take and how to replace them with pure fiction. Who knows how much you told him while you were under his influence?”

  My expression darkened. “How much I told him about what?”

  He went quiet, almost as if he were biting his tongue to keep himself from saying anything more. That was good. He needed to save his strength.

  By the time the first drops of rain started to fall, he’d begun to clutch at his side and his voice seemed weaker as he said, “You’ll get wet if you try to sleep out there. Come back by me, beneath this ledge.”

  “I will, after you release the binding cord.”

  “I can’t do that.”

  “You claim we were friends. Then treat me as a friend!”

  He shook his head. “As you are now, Kes, we are not friends. I am your protector and nothing more.”

  “No,” I countered. “You are a kidnapper, nothing more.”

  He started to argue, then drew in a sharp breath and lay back on his blanket. “As you wish.”

  I wrapped my blanket over my head to keep out the rain, but my eyes remained open, as I listened to his shallow breaths and occasional grunts of pain. The poison was working.

  “Does your mouth taste like metal?” he asked. “I think maybe we—”

  “Good night, Simon.” Silently, I added the words I didn’t dare say aloud: I’m so very sorry, but it had to be done.

  Sometime over the next few hours, the rain worsened and was accompanied by fierce lightning and thunder. I sat up and saw her crouched in a tight ball, obviously afraid.

  I motioned her over to me, beneath the ledge, but she shook her head. Why did she have to make this a fight, especially on a night when I was becoming increasingly sick? The ache in my bones had worsened and spread through my limbs, and I was sure I had a fever. I started to crawl out from my blanket, but she held up a hand to stop me, then scooted over beside me. With the next flash of lightning, I realized she was watching me, but I didn’t want her to know I was sick. She’d use that as an opportunity to try escaping.

  I faked a smile, then wrapped my dry blanket around her shoulders and pulled her close to offer her some warmth. Her hand brushed against my chest, then my thigh, as if she wasn’t sure where to rest it, so I clasped her hand in mine and was surprised she didn’t pull away. She was shivering, I realized, or maybe I was. With her head against my shoulder, she said, “You’re not well. Let me go find some herbs to help you.”

  I’d have to release the binding cord to do that, and within an hour, she’d be as far from this camp as she could go. In this storm, and with a long list of enemies hunting for her, she might not see morning.

  Unless this fever broke, I might not see it either.

  “Help!”

  I sat up straighter, wondering if I’d just heard a voice. Kestra had sat up too and she looked at me with concern.

  Then I heard, “Simon!” It was Trina’s voice, but it wasn’t the voice that had called out first.

  I heard it again, louder. “Help!” This was Gabe.

  From the direction it had come, I knew what the problem was. They must have spotted our camp and were trying to cross the slot from the other side. They hadn’t anticipated how much rain there would be, and all of it was pouring into the slot. It was flooding, and now Gabe was trapped.

  I held out a hand to Kestra. “I need your help to save him.”

  I’d expected a fight, but she immediately stood and walked with me. “What can I do?”

  I wasn’t sure, until another call for help gave me a sense of direction, and a flash of lightning showed me the area. I pointed across the ravine to where Trina was jumping up and down to get my attention. When I motioned back to her, she gestured down into the slot, as I had feared. She shouted something over at me, but her words were lost against a crack of thunder.

  I peered down to see Gabe halfway up the slot wall, but he was holding on to an exposed tree root as a torrent of water rushed over him. It wasn’t too much different from when I had seen Kestra in the river, half-drowned.

  Yesterday, I’d felt strong enough to pull Kestra out. I couldn’t do that now for Gabe. My vision was blurring and I was burning up with fever, despite this cold night’s rain.

  I pointed to a thick bush near the edge
of the ravine and said to Kestra, “Get behind that and hold on. I need you as a brace.”

  “A brace for what?”

  I detached the binding cord from my wrist and began coiling it. “I’ll try to manage his weight, but if I can’t, don’t let go of that bush or you’ll go over the edge.”

  Her brows furrowed. “Simon, I have to tell you—”

  “I’ll be all right.”

  “You won’t. I—”

  “Get to your position and hold on. Hurry!” As soon as she signaled that she was ready, I called to Gabe to grab the rope, then tossed it to him. My first throw missed, but I gathered the rope again and he caught it the second time.

  “Attach it to your wrist!” I shouted.

  He nodded and smacked it against his wrist. I immediately began pulling, though once he let go of the tree root, he was thrown directly into the current. With my illness, I wasn’t able to pull as hard as I wanted. Across the ravine, Trina was shouting again but I couldn’t pay attention to her. All I could think about was giving another tug upward.

  Then I felt the load lighten. At first, I thought Gabe had somehow fallen off, but I turned and saw Kestra at my side, helping to pull the rope. She nodded over at me, and together we began to make progress. My head swam with dizziness, and Trina’s shouts blurred along with everything else. This was worse than mere illness. I was dying.

  I was dying.

  It was that water Kestra had given me earlier tonight. I’d thought then that it had a funny taste, but skins sometimes picked up strange odors. I’d never tasted anything like this before though.

  Kestra had poisoned me.

  I looked over at her and she frowned back. She knew what was happening to me, and she wasn’t stopping it.

  Gabe’s head poked over the top of the ravine. “We knew where you were camped,” he said as he rolled his body over the edge. “We planned to sneak up on you in the night and get everything sorted. I guess this serves us right for trying to trick you.”

  I started to answer him, but I didn’t have the chance before my vision darkened entirely and my body crumpled to the ground.

  From across the ridge, Trina screamed when Simon collapsed, the echo filling my ears, chilling my soul. Gabe clambered over to Simon, even as he continued choking on the water he had swallowed down in the ravine.

  “What happened to him?” Gabe asked.

  I knew how bad this looked, how awful it sounded, but Simon was far worse than I’d expected. I needed to tell Gabe the truth. “I only gave him two leaves, and I diluted it in water. You said two would make a person sick.”

  Gabe’s sudden glare caused me to step back in fear. “Two leaves … of what?” He grabbed my arm and yanked me to the ground beside Simon. “Are you talking about those terrador plants I saw in the cave? Those were young plants. The ones out here could’ve been growing for years!”

  I still had the last leaf in my boot and I pulled it out to show him. He held it up against a flash of lightning, his expression turning murderous. “Water intensifies the poison, Kestra. What have you done?”

  “I didn’t mean to … I never wanted—”

  “Simon would never hurt you, but I will. I don’t care who you are or what you’re supposed to do for Antora. If he doesn’t walk away from this, neither will you.”

  Suddenly terrified, I asked, “What can I do?”

  Gabe began scouring the area. “Look for a purple flower with a blue center. They call it arquin and it grows near large rocks. Find it!”

  I did as he said, though I couldn’t see much between flashes of lightning. While I looked, I asked, “How do you know this flower will heal him?”

  “It won’t, but it will slow the effects, if we’re not too late.” He paused to glare at me. “Lord Endrick would be proud of you tonight. What a fine Dallisor you’ve turned out to be.”

  I should have felt pleased by his words, but I wasn’t. I didn’t want to be a Dallisor like this. If he died, would I be responsible?

  Of course I would, and I felt terrible. I searched harder for the arquin, hoping to fix what I’d done.

  “I found some!” Gabe said with the next flash of lightning. I noticed at the same time that Trina was no longer beside the ravine. And where was Wynnow? I’d nearly forgotten that she was with them earlier. When I asked Gabe about it, he simply said, “We split up.”

  Gabe picked a handful of leaves and then I held Simon’s mouth open while he stuffed them inside.

  In my whole life, I’d never felt so helpless, and my heart ached for it. “I’m sorry,” I mumbled.

  “Yeah, an apology should fix this mess.” Gabe rolled his eyes. “Help me carry him back to camp. We saw your shelter.”

  I lifted Simon’s legs while Gabe carried his arms, the walk feeling much farther now than I’d remembered. Once in camp, we laid him on the blanket and pushed him in as deep beneath the ledge as possible for protection from the rain.

  “He’s still not responding.” Gabe leaned over him, checking for a pulse. “How could you do this?”

  “I had to do something!” I pointed to the binding cord in a heap on the ground. “He captured me.”

  “He saved you from the Halderians! He’s trying to protect you. The fact is, there are a lot of people out there who want to kill you, and not many people who care if you survive. Simon is fighting for you harder than anyone, and the only way you’ll live is if you start to listen to what he’s telling you.”

  I lowered my eyes. “If I knew how to do anything more for him, I would.”

  Gabe pulled Simon’s satchel off his shoulder and tossed it to me. “Look in there. He might have some medicines from Loelle.”

  I shuffled through the contents, feeling around blindly between the occasional flashes of lightning. There was a roll of rags that could act as bandages, another knife, a binding of paper with a lead pencil, and at the bottom was a thick and heavy ring.

  “No medicines,” I said to Gabe, who cursed, making sure I heard my name attached to it.

  I sat in the open rain, clutching the satchel to my chest as if it could offer me any comfort. Gabe continued to tend to Simon, though nothing he was doing now would matter. Either Simon would live, or he wouldn’t, and I couldn’t think of the blame I bore for that without shuddering in horror.

  Gabe barely glanced at me to say, “Leave.”

  “Please, I’d rather—”

  “I don’t know where Wynnow is, but Trina is on the other side of that slot with our horses. She’ll be here by morning. Simon didn’t trust her with you, and if he’s right, then you’d better leave while you can. I’ll tell her you escaped.”

  “I can still help!”

  “You never help, Kestra, you only make things worse. If you’re still here in the morning, I won’t protect you from Trina, understand? Now get out of this camp.”

  “I don’t know where to go.”

  “And I don’t care. Just leave.”

  Woodenly, I nodded and stood, feeling as if I were in a trance. Wishing this was simply another nightmare that would end if I only opened my eyes. I left with no particular direction in mind, as long as it was away from the slots. I was soaked through and shivering with cold, but I was barely aware of that.

  Mostly my heart hurt. It shouldn’t have. I’d done what was necessary to escape, and I had succeeded. I should have been celebrating now, not only because I’d proven that I was stronger than anyone believed, but also because I had rid the world of another Corack.

  As a Dallisor, that’s how I should have felt. But all I really wanted was to know if Simon had somehow survived what I’d done, and if he understood why I’d done it.

  I didn’t understand, not really. Not anymore. I was thoroughly disgusted with myself.

  Eventually, the lightning passed and the rain calmed. By morning, I’d have to find a secure place to hide if Trina came searching for me, which she surely would. Until then, I needed to rest. I found a little juniper tree and leaned against i
t, indifferent to the thick drops of water that rolled off the needles. I closed my eyes, fighting back tears of exhaustion and fear and a consuming guilt. And fell asleep sobbing.

  I dreamed that night of Lord Endrick. In the dream, I was a child again, maybe six or seven years old, and I’d followed a ladybird beetle through Woodcourt’s gardens until I accidentally crawled right onto Lord Endrick’s boot, hitting his leg. I wanted to run away, but crouched there instead, frozen with fear.

  In the dream, he knelt beside me and looked at the ladybird. “Why are you letting this insect lead you where it wants to go? Command it to follow you instead.”

  That struck me as funny, though when I laughed, his expression tightened with irritation, frightening me. Summoning my courage to state the obvious to a king, I said, “An insect won’t follow my commands.”

  “Then I want you to crush it.”

  “No!”

  “Look at me, my dear child.” I did, though it took all the courage in my young heart to do it. “We are the Dominion, and I am its king. All others are insects to us. They must obey or be crushed.” His voice was cold, cruel, dismissive of life. Small as I was, I knew my existence mattered as little to him as this beetle’s.

  He continued, “When I was young, my people were outcasts, mistrusted and feared by all other Antorans. We kept to the mountains and caves, despite our unquestionable superiority. I begged my superiors to let me leave, especially since I hadn’t found my powers and was considered a defect, but they never allowed it. Then, one day, Halderian soldiers invaded our territories and tried to banish us from Antora. I fought back, the only Endrean to resist expulsion, and in doing so, discovered my powers. The Halderians are the Banished now, and I am in control.” His eyes narrowed. “You are part of the Dominion, child. Learn to control your world. Crush that insect.”

  I shook my head, but something larger than me, something unseen, forced my hand to cover the ladybird, ready to smash it flat. Endrick’s magic.

  “Once you’ve tasted control, nothing less will satisfy you,” he said. “Now do as I’ve commanded.”

  Gritting my teeth, I folded my fingers around the ladybird. He smiled, anticipating my obedience, but instead, I picked it up and flung it deeper within the gardens where I hoped it would land safely away from him.