Not Without You

by Watson, A. P.

  She smiled sweetly at my confession. “You don’t just care for him. You love him.”

  “I know.”

  “You need to make sure he knows that too.”

  “But how do I make him listen?” I questioned.

  “Ter, look at me.” I obeyed Wren’s command, staring into her deep brown eyes. “If you want something, you go after it with every fiber of your being. Ryan is the person you’re meant to be with—I have no doubts about it. And sure, things can change, people you think cared about you can rip you apart, but you have to tell Ryan how you feel. You have to take that chance, because if you don’t, you’ll always regret it.”

  I was already living with a huge regret, and I wasn’t sure how many more my soul could withstand.

  I’LL STILL HELP YOU with the show, but after that, we’re done.

  Wren read over the text message Ry had sent me at least a dozen times.

  I was on the verge of tears, and the only thing keeping the metaphorical floodgates intact was the fact that I would be painting Ry for my art show within the hour. I should’ve been elated by the prospect of seeing him again, but his words left little room for celebration. This would likely be the last time we would ever meet.

  A week had passed since our encounter at the diner, and although I had made numerous attempts to contact him, all of my efforts were in vain.

  “Text message aside, you can’t give up hope.”

  “Yes, I can. It’s pretty much nonexistent at this point.”

  “Ter, this is your chance to tell him how you feel,” she countered. “If he really wanted to be done with you, he wouldn’t be helping you at all. He still cares about you. You have to believe that.”

  “Actually, I don’t have to do anything.”

  “You are so damn stubborn sometimes, it’s infuriating. You realize this, right?”

  I shrugged my shoulders and continued pacing. “Maybe.” Beneath the robe I wore, my body was completely painted. What Ry didn’t know was that I was going to be joining him as the other living canvas in my display. A display which I had pretty much reinvented in the past week. Instead of focusing on the loss my father had suffered, I’d done a complete three sixty. Now, every piece decorating my wall of the art show would capture the central theme of love.

  Some of the paintings were of my parents, like the one I had done to commemorate their wedding. Others included the three of us posing as a happy family.

  But the majority of the paintings were of Ry.

  He had infiltrated every cell housed inside my body. In the past seven days, I’d lived, breathed, and slept with the sole purpose of recreating his face hundreds of times. At my final meeting with Jonas yesterday, we spent the better part of two hours poring over each work of art. In the end, we’d selected twenty different paintings to display, and Jonas was completely enthralled with the work I’d done. He was astounded not only by the subject matter of my pieces but also by the spectrum of varying colors I’d used. Blue, green, gold, purple, red, yellow, silver, white, and black were used in stunning combinations. Some of the pieces were vibrant, while others were more melancholy. But each canvas was beautiful in my eyes.

  Wren was also impressed by everything I had been able to pull off. She actually likened the crazed state I’d been existing in as a type of therapy. Whether or not that was true, I couldn’t be certain. However, what did turn out to be true was that I felt better, lighter than I had in several weeks.

  Tonight, I would make my confession to Ry. I didn’t care what it cost me, I’d make him listen.

  “So, let’s go over the plan one more time, if you don’t mind,” I said.

  “Ry comes in to be painted and I’ll hover somewhere nearby in case you need help.”

  “And what about Dad?”

  “I’ve got both of our tickets, so don’t worry. I’ll be sure to guide him around.”

  “Awesome. You’re the best. Has anyone ever told you that?”

  She pulled me into a quick hug. “Only a couple times.”

  “Seriously, I don’t know what I would’ve done without you the past few weeks.”

  Her hold on me increased as we continued to stand there together. “You would have made it just fine by yourself. You’re much stronger than you give yourself credit for.”

  Chuckling at her comment, I brushed it away almost as soon as the words left her lips. “Yeah right.”

  “I’m being completely serious, babe. You are so strong. I am constantly in awe of the strength you possess.”

  “Really?” I asked, my voice a bit shaky.

  “Yes.”

  We separated from one another as another person approached us. Ry stood next to me, dressed in a pair of gym shorts.

  “Are you ready?” he questioned, his jaw stiffening the longer he looked at me. “I’d like to get this over with.”

  “Of course.” I reached for the palette I’d already prepared with an assortment of paints.

  “I’ll be out front with your dad if you need me,” Wren said.

  “Okay, thanks, babe.”

  Ry gave her a quick nod. I swallowed hard as I watched her walk away. The two of us were completely alone. At least a dozen different times, I tried to speak, but with every attempt I made, no sound ever escaped.

  The silence was like a heavy weight lying across my shoulders. I was acutely aware of its presence, but there was nothing I could do to ease the burden.

  “Wren isn’t going to be in the show anymore?” he asked after eons of silence.

  “No.” My hands moved gracefully as I began to cover him in chains. The links wove around his limbs in heavy arcs. If I hadn’t known it was all an artistic illusion, I almost would’ve believed Ry’s body was tied up and wrapped in metal. “I’m going to be the other living canvas in the show.”

  “I see.”

  The tiny spark of conversation encouraged a false sense of confidence to invade my consciousness. “Ry—” His name was transformed into a plea as I uttered the first syllable.

  “Don’t,” he ordered with an air of finality.

  My initial reaction was to be discouraged by his request, but this was not a time to submit to fear. Wren was right, I needed to make him listen to me, no matter what. “Just hear me out for a minute.”

  “I can’t . . .”

  “Please,” I begged, kneeling before him. My hand trembled slightly as I realized he was staring down at me. A dizzying mixture of emotions danced in the depths of his eyes. “I’m sorry I ran away. I’m sorry I betrayed your trust in the worst possible way. I knew about the pain your father caused you, and in a moment of weakness, I committed the same sin he did.” My throat felt parched, but stopping wasn’t even a conceivable option at the moment. The things I wanted to say needed to be released into the universe, and once I finished my confession, I could only hope Ry would forgive me. “I realize I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I want you to know that I ran because of the way I felt about you. I’ve never cared for someone so much, and the moment I realized I was getting in over my head, I got scared.”

  “Being scared is understandable, but you should’ve talked to me about it. You have no idea how I felt when I got back to my apartment and read your note. It was like I was slowly being ripped apart,” he explained. “You aren’t the only one scared here. I’m just like you. I don’t let myself get close to people because I’m afraid of getting hurt, and as it turns out, you only reaffirmed that belief.”

  “I’m so sorry. If I could go back and change it, I would.”

  He sighed heavily. “I begged you to talk to me, and you refused. What about that?”

  “I know. I made a mistake.”

  He shook his head and averted his eyes. “I knew I never should have left the apartment that morning. If only I would have stayed and not gone to the gym, then we might not be here right now.”

  Minutes passed as I racked my brain, trying to think of the right thing to say. As I continued to contemplate, my h
ands left strokes of gray and black across his skin. The chains I was recreating today looked even better than the ones I’d finished at Ry’s apartment. Burying myself in art was the only way I knew how to cope, how to exist.

  “You can’t think like that.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because we still would’ve ended up right back here.”

  “And how do you know that?” he asked, his voice nothing more than a whisper.

  Rising to my feet, I moved close enough for me to breathe in his exhaled breath. “I was too scared to admit how much I needed you.”

  “You say that like you aren’t afraid anymore.”

  “I’m not.”

  “What changed?”

  “I realized I wanted to be with you more than I wanted to be safe.”

  My heart raced with anticipation as I longed to hear his reply. But the words he would have spoken were never heard.

  “Ten minutes until doors open!” Jonas called out.

  Ry and I had been secluded in one of the classrooms of the Art Annex, but after the announcement Jonas made, bodies emerged from the other classrooms and began racing for the gallery. I was the only artist utilizing a human canvas, but everyone else seemed eager to put finishing touches on their creations.

  I completed the chains and joined hearts covering Ry’s flesh, and instead of revisiting our earlier conversation, I used the remaining few minutes to dry the paint. As soon as the task was finished, Ry slipped out of the room without a word.

  If only I could get through to him and convince him that I was never going to run away again. I was the type of person who learned from my mistakes, and death was the only way I was ever going to leave Ry’s side.

  Discarding my robe on the floor, I placed a band of roses on top of my head. Like Ry, I only wore the most minimal amount of clothing. A glorified bathing suit and fake flowers covered the most intimate parts of my body, but I was tired of hiding just as much as I was tired of being a coward.

  I was madly in love with Ry and I wanted the entire world to know it.

  When I reached my display, I found Ry standing in front of a large painting I’d done of him.

  “I thought you were supposed to be painted as your mother,” he stated, turning to face me.

  Removing my hands from my chest, I stepped closer. On the flesh above my heart, I’d painted a bloody, gaping hole. The carnage, however, stopped there, because every other inch of skin was covered by flowers.

  “I changed the inspiration behind my show.”

  “To what?”

  “Love.”

  “So . . .”

  “If you look at your chest, you’ll notice there are two hearts there.”

  His gaze dropped. The tips of his fingers outlined each heart I’d painted on his flesh. “Why?”

  “Because,” I replied, lowering my voice until he was the only one who could hear me. “It doesn’t matter where you go or how many years pass, my heart will always belong to you.”

  “And what do the flowers symbolize?”

  “The way I feel whenever I’m with you.” My gaze faltered. Instead of staring into his eyes, I studied the roses I’d painted on my right arm. “Whenever we’re together, I feel happy and excited and so full of life. This was the only way I could think of recreating that level of contentment.”

  “Ter.”

  I could tell he wanted to say more, but as he parted his lips, the doors to the gallery opened and a crowd flooded the empty space.

  Moving at the speed of light, I positioned Ry and myself in front of my paintings. Then, I intertwined our fingers together.

  If this really was going to the be the last time I saw him, then I was going to make the most of it.

  All around us, people flitted about, gazing at each display. After thirty minutes or so, Jonas arrived with a large gathering in tow.

  “Here, we have a dazzling display exemplifying both the despair and beauty love can inspire,” he announced. “As you can see, her heart has been ripped from her chest and painted on his. Would anyone care to guess what that symbolizes?”

  “That I’m the sole owner of her heart,” Ry said softly.

  “Bingo!” Jonas shouted. “Everyone take your time to examine each painting in this building. You will be absolutely astounded by the amount of talent surrounding us.” With his final instruction, Jonas winked at me before disappearing into the crowd.

  People examined us with the scrutiny of scientists. They praised my work and that of my classmates as well.

  Beside me, I could sense that Ry was growing more uncomfortable by the minute. Just as I was about to tell him to take a break, he took off. Following behind him, I sprinted as he made his way to the nearest exit.

  “Ry!” I called out, hoping he would stop at the sound of my voice.

  But his feet didn’t stop until we were standing on the sidewalk outside the building. “Is what he said the truth?”

  “Yes.”

  “And what do you expect me to say to that?”

  “You don’t have to say anything,” I replied. “All I want is to ask you one thing, and if your answer is no, I won’t bother you again.”

  Above us, the full moon illuminated everything in sight. Stars twinkled in the night sky, complementing the light of the moon.

  “Fine,” he replied, crossing his arms over his chest. He looked as bored as a ten-year-old sitting through Easter Service.

  “Will you go on a date with me?”

  “Come again?”

  I took a step toward him. This was all or nothing. The time had come for me to put it all on the line. If he chose to walk away, then he’d leave knowing how I really felt about him. My body was being drawn toward his, and I couldn’t resist the temptation to touch him. My fingertips danced along the length of his arm as I met his gaze. “I love you, and I’d like for nothing more than to show you how much you mean to me. I know we did things a little out of order, but I don’t care. All I want is to be with you. So, I’ll ask you again. Ry, will you go on a date with me?”

  “You love me?”

  I nodded, unable to stop the smile spreading across my face. “More than you could ever know.”

  “Well, that’s a relief,” he began. “Because I feel the same way about you.”

  “You do?”

  “Yes.” Wiping a lone tear from my cheek, he bent to press his lips to mine. “I love you.”

  The effect of his confession was instantaneous. Flinging my arms around his neck, I jumped into his arms. The sensation of his hands fastening around my waist was second to none. My legs locked around him, and before I knew it, we were intertwined like ivy. His mouth claimed mine, kissing my lips with enough intensity to make us combust.

  Eventually, we’d have to come up for air. But not right now, not this second. When his hand caressed the bare skin of my back, I gasped with delight. He touched me as if he never planned to let me go.

  “Okay, I do have one request,” he panted once we finally separated.

  “And what might that be?”

  “You’re moving in with me.”

  “Come again?”

  “Move in with me.”

  “You’re being serious?”

  “Absolutely.”

  “We still haven’t had our first date.”

  He laughed and left a trail of kisses along the line of my jaw. “I thought you didn’t mind that we were doing things out of order.”

  “I don’t, but that’s a pretty serious request.”

  “I know it is. So, will you?”

  “May I ask why?”

  “Because I want to wake up every morning to the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes, because I never plan to let you go.”

  “Well,” I replied, rubbing my lips against his. “In that case, I’ll start moving my stuff in as soon as the semester is over.”

  “Sounds good to me.” He set me back on the ground, but
his hands never moved from my skin. “One day, will you tell me what it’s like in here?” he questioned, kissing my forehead.

  “Only if you promise to tell me what it’s like inside your head.”

  “I can do that.”

  We both smiled at one another, and in that moment, time stood still. I was with the one person I loved more than anything. Ry was it for me, and I would happily spend the rest of my life making sure he knew it.

  “Ry?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I just want you to know that I never plan to run away again. Wherever you are is home to me.”

  His grin widened mischievously. “Then after this show is over, I’m taking you home.”

  “And then what?”

  “Oh, I’m sure we can think of something fun to do.”

  I giggled at his implication. There was nothing I wanted more than to be wrapped in his arms. “It has been a while since we covered your sheets with paint.”

  “I was hoping you’d say that.”

  “I said it because I love you, and because I happen to be a big fan of getting naked with you.” His smile was infectious and I couldn’t keep myself from kissing him again.

  “I love you too.” He stared down at me, and I couldn’t help but be mesmerized by his eyes. “You know, you used every single color known to man in your display tonight. And as I was staring at it, I realized, I don’t even know what your favorite color is.”

  “It’s blue.”

  “Not pink?” he questioned.

  “Nope.”

  “And why is that?”

  “It changed to blue the day you walked up to me in statistics class.”

  End Book Three.

  Coma White by Marilyn Manson

  Blue Jeans by Lana Del Rey

  Amber by 311

  Red Red Red by Fiona Apple

  Gold by Kiara

  Supermassive Black Hole by Muse

  Silver by The Neighbourhood

  Purple Haze by Jimi Hendrix

  Green Eyes by Coldplay

  White Blank Page by Mumford & Sons

  Blackout Days by Phantogram

  Damn Right I’ve Got The Blues by Buddy Guy

  Black Mambo by Glass Animals

  Yellow by Coldplay