by Lynn Mann
I’m coming, I thought to her and sensed her register my thought.
The afternoon was spent climbing and descending countless hills, some grassy, some forested and yet others that were covered in rocks and heather. By the time the sun was low on the horizon and I reached the top of yet another hill, my thigh and calf muscles were screaming. As I walked across the flat top of the hill and braced myself for yet another descent, I was aware that my mare was hungry and had stopped to graze.
Then I saw her. Not fifty metres down the slope, grazed a piebald mare with a white mane and tail and two blue eyes. She lifted her head to look at me with those beautiful blue eyes.
You are here. The words appeared in my head and sounded like my own thoughts, except I knew I hadn’t formed them.
She lowered her head and continued grazing. I stood and watched her for a few minutes, not really knowing what I should do. I sensed her contentment.
You’re still grazing, I thought to her.
No reaction, other than a feeling of assent from her.
I’ve arrived, I’ve found you, why are you still grazing?
I am hungry.
Oh.
I didn’t know what to do. This wasn’t how I had imagined meeting my horse. I had dreamt that we would be thrilled to find each other, that we would share details of our lives, that she would tell me why she had chosen me, why I had been aware of her for so long, why she had tugged me when I was so young, what she planned to teach me, everything. Instead, she grazed on and ignored me.
I waited and I waited. I sat down, I stood back up. I unhooked all of the horseshoes from my clothes and my person, and stowed them carefully away in my back-sack. I took my pullover off. I put it back on again. I sat back down and still she grazed, still with that feeling of contentment.
The sun had gone down and it was nearly dark when my temper flared. My horse had filled my world for nine long years and I had lived my life preparing for the time when she would tug me. I had nearly killed myself trying to get to her and I had left all of my family and friends behind without so much as a word, all for her. And now she was ignoring me!
I got up, ready to explode. She lifted her head, still chewing, and watched me. I drew myself up to my full height and managed no more than two steps towards her before she spun around on her heels and sped off along the side of the hill for a short distance before spinning back around to face me, neck arched, tail held high and nostrils flaring. I stood still and watched her, stunned. I sensed her fleeting feeling of fear, which turned to confusion and then, what was that, amusement? She found this funny?
‘WHY ARE YOU IGNORING ME?’ I yelled at her. ‘DON’T YOU KNOW HOW FAR I HAVE COME, WHAT I’VE BEEN THROUGH, TO FIND YOU? AND THEN YOU JUST CARRY ON GRAZING AS IF I WASN’T HERE?’
She relaxed and lowered her head to graze once more.
You are here. I am here. Everything is as it should be, were the words I heard in my head. With them came a surge of love that wrapped itself around me. My anger disappeared instantly and try as I might, I couldn’t find a reason to summon it back. She was right and I could feel it in the depths of my soul. Everything was as it should be.
Seven
Bonding
I woke the next morning with the dawn chorus. For the first few minutes, when the boundary between sleep and wakefulness was still hazy, I had no idea where I was. I was curled up on my right side, wrapped up tightly in my waxed cloak and my shoulder and head leant against something warm.
As I came to properly, I realised I was curled up next to my mare as she lay in the damp grass; I lay between her front and hind legs and my head and shoulder rested against her belly. She dozed still and I didn’t want to disturb her, so I remained where I was and revelled in the warmth of her companionship.
Since her statement the previous evening, we had shared no more thoughts. I’d felt myself drawn into her way of seeing things and had realised that we were both hungry and weary, we had found each other and for now that was enough. I ate a simple meal whilst I could still just about see what I was doing, and then donned my spare leggings over the top of those that I was already wearing, put on an extra shirt and my pullover and wrapped myself up in my cloak before settling down to watch the dark mound that was my mare, as she grazed.
She grazed well into the night but eventually wandered over to where I sat, sniffed the top of my head and then rested her muzzle there gently, her warm breath creating clouds of mist that hung around my face. I raised a hand gingerly and stroked the side of her soft nose as she breathed the long, slow breaths of a horse at rest. After a short while she lay down with a grunt behind me. I shuffled back towards her and then as I grew sleepy, nestled down to sleep, feeling just about as content as I could remember.
As the dawn chorus now dispersed, my mare moved her head and let out a deep, long sigh. Getting up, she warned me and gave me time to stand before heaving herself to her feet. As she turned away from me to graze, I noticed her right side was damp from lying in the grass.
I have a blanket to keep you dry at night, it’s in my sack. I’m sorry I didn’t think to offer it to you last night, I told her.
She continued to graze but a feeling of ????????? appeared in my mind.
It covers your body and will keep you warm and dry. Oak has one because he hates the rain. He is the horse you asked to help me.
I too dislike the rain. I like it even less when the wind blows, she told me.
I would have liked some porridge, but I couldn’t see any wood around for a fire and I remembered that I’d used up all my water, so I settled on some fruit. I ate a generous helping of blackberries, raspberries and cherries, and three small red apples. I offered my horse the apple cores and she sniffed them and then took them appreciatively.
I removed the extra layers of clothing that I’d donned for the night and repacked my back-sack. That done I was ready to move on, but I sensed my horse’s need to graze for longer, so I moved nearer to where she now picked at the grass, and perched on a conveniently placed boulder. A few hours later, she had grazed her way across the length of the hill with me shadowing her and her immediate hunger was abating.
We should move on, she informed me.
Where will we go?
The other bonded horses call it The Gathering. That is what their humans call it.
What’s The Gathering? Rowena said you would tell me, Rowena is the person bonded to Oak.
It is a place where humans who are bonded to horses go to meet and learn from each other.
What will I learn there that you can’t teach me?
There was a pause. Oak says you will learn how to fit my saddle so I am comfortable when you ride me. You will learn how to look after it as well as how to take care of all my other needs. Though I can tell you that. There was an air of haughtiness as those words came into my mind and she wrinkled the skin to the side of her nostrils. Then she continued, you will learn to ride me as well. I will learn to carry you. Oak found that very strange to begin with.
Why can’t I hear you and Oak when you are communicating?
You can. You just do not.
Oh. I frowned to myself. How will we find The Gathering? Can Oak tell you?
He has no need. I can sense where there are a lot of bonded horses in one place.
Did you know Oak before you asked him to help me?
Not in the way humans talk of knowing each other. He was the closest bonded horse to where you were.
How did you know that?
I could feel where he was. I could feel where you were.
No, I meant how did you know he was the closest bonded horse? How can you tell a bonded horse from one who isn’t?
We are all part of the whole and horses can be aware of each other any time we choose. Those of us who bond to humans stand out from the others. The joining of minds with a human changes our essence enough that we can easily be sensed by each other as being different from an unbonded horse, her words spoke in my mind
.
Not that they were her words though, were they? I thought to myself. They were my words in my head. I was picking up the essence of her thoughts and my mind was putting words to them, so that they became thoughts in a form that I could understand. I felt her agree with my conclusion.
And I do not understand your words but I understand the energy behind them. I know what you mean and how you feel. She started to walk purposefully and I walked alongside her, trying to keep up.
Why is Rowena’s horse called Oak? Do you have a name?
It is up to Oak and his Bond-Partner whether they reveal why that name was chosen. We understand the human need for names. The tradition since the first bonded pair has been for the human to look into the essence of their horse and then choose the word or words that they think fit it best.
Can I do that for you? How would I do that?
We will stop a moment. You should sit down.
I did as I was told and immediately, a rush of awareness swamped me as she showed me herself, her very soul. She held nothing back. She was vast, a never-ending abundance of energy and consciousness. There was a sense of age and youth, wisdom and innocence, enormous knowledge and experience, and a sense of nurturing, limitless unconditional love. She filled the whole universe and more, she was infinite. Infinite. Infinity. That was who she was. Infinity.
She knew. As soon as the word entered my mind she was aware of it, or at least she was aware of what it meant to me as a human. I felt her approval.
I said out loud, ‘Infinity. That’s who you are.’ I got back up to my feet and we began to walk once more. What will you call me? Will you use the name my parents chose for me, or is it also customary for a horse to choose a name for her Bond-Partner?
Walks A Straight Path.
What? We were twisting between trees.
Walks A Straight Path. That is who you are.
‘WHAT?’ I stopped, dropped my back-sack and put my hands on my hips. Infinity glanced back at me briefly but carried on walking. ‘WHAT?’ I yelled again as her white tail swung from side to side and moved steadily away from me. ‘I CHOOSE “INFINITY” FOR YOU AND I GET “WALKS A STRAIGHT PATH”? YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS.’
It seemed that she was and furthermore, she had no intention of stopping to wait while I yelled at her. I was forced to pick up my sack, swing it hastily over my shoulder and run awkwardly after her. ‘Isn’t there anything else that describes me better?’ I asked as I caught up and slowed to walk next to her again.
No answer. I could feel that a small part of her was aware of keeping us moving towards The Gathering, a larger part was alert for the smell of water or anything that could spell danger and the rest was the same feeling of contentment that I had first sensed in her as she had grazed the evening before. My outburst had affected her not at all.
‘Walks A Straight Path,’ I grumbled to myself, ‘what’s that supposed to mean, anyway.’ I pictured a narrow, straight path leading away in front of me and realised that I’d far rather be walking on that than weaving in and out of trees, tripping on tree roots and brambles and having to be diverted by the dense, prickly bushes that occasionally blocked our way. I wanted to know where my destination was and then reach it with the minimum of interference, just as I’d lived the past nine years of my life; my goal had been to find my horse and be one of the Horse-Bonded and I had ignored anything that didn’t aid me in achieving just that. I sighed. Her words described me exactly. It was how she thought of me and as I realised that, I decided I loved it. Walks A Straight Path. Thank you, Infinity.
Warm, nurturing energy emanated from her and wrapped itself around me.
We walked on for the next hour or so, with me mulling over our conversation and Infinity concentrating on her now more urgent quest to find water. She finally scented some as we left the woodland and began to walk across flat meadowland. It was directly in front of us, her nose told us and we were both relieved when we finally reached a narrow stream. I stood back while she sniffed it and wrinkled her nose.
Sheep. They drink it and then they add to it. She waited until whatever it was that the sheep had added had flowed past her and then lowered her muzzle to drink. When she had finished, I approached with my flask. She sniffed the water again. Clean, she told me and then stepped over the stream and began to graze on the other side.
Thank you.
??????????
For checking the water for me.
?????
I was beginning to realise how different horses and humans were. My human manners and social customs mattered little to Infinity and my tantrums even less. I had an insatiable appetite for learning and conversation, whereas she apparently had the knowledge of ages and showed no immediate desire to add to it. Maybe she had all the answers she would ever need.
Not all the answers.
Is there anything you want to know about me?
I know you as I know myself. I knew you before you were yourself and you knew me. You forget now that you are in your human body. I do not.
I was confused. She knew me before I was myself? I knew her? But I had known her. As soon as I had understood the idea of the Horse-Bonded as a seven-year-old child, her image had flashed into my mind.
How old are you? I asked her.
By way of an answer, Infinity showed me herself trying to stand on wobbly legs as her mother cleaned her glistening, newly-born body. They were near a river which ran low in its banks and they were surrounded by lush grass, dotted plentifully with flowering meadow herbs. The sun was hot and high in the sky. She was born in the middle of summer. She showed me four more summers and then herself with me in the early Autumn. She had seen four more summers since her birth. I had first begun to sense her as a fleeting whisper beyond the edges of my mind when I was twelve. Four years ago.
I began to sense you once you were born, I affirmed to myself as much as to Infinity. But why had I known what she would look like before that and what had changed two years ago, when I had begun to be aware of her in such a more definite way? I wondered.
You were more aware of me once I reached the age where my concerns passed beyond merely how to use my body and be a horse. My attention began to turn towards my purpose in this life. Towards you. You sensed me as I sought for you but the time was not right for either of us then.
But I knew what you would look like even before you were born. How is that possible?
When your mind was awakened to the idea of a human bonding to a horse your soul spoke to you of our agreement. Of me.
Our agreement? What agreement? When did we make an agreement?
The last time we were here together.
I don’t understand.
I know. I will show you. She showed me a tall, dapple-grey mare being ridden by a thin man of about forty, brown-haired with blue eyes and pale, blotchy skin. It was Infinity and me. I was seeing two beings who bore no physical resemblance to either of us, but I knew who they were as surely as I recognised my own face in the mirror.
The man was dressed in cream-coloured leggings with black, knee-length boots and a green jacket with a matching peaked hat. He had a sword hanging from the left side of his belt. There were other horses, all ridden by men dressed in an identical fashion. They were walking next to each other in a long line. The mare was as underweight as the man was thin, and there was an air of incredible sadness about them both.
The man on the horse next to them had three stripes on the arm of his jacket. He shouted, and all of the men drew their swords and raised them, points in the air, before urging their horses forward to a gallop. I could hear the bangs that subsequently erupted, as if I were actually there. Horses and men went down screaming, Infinity and I among them. The brown-haired man and his grey horse were both shot in the chest and lay dying together. As they died they relaxed, relieved to be going. The horse left her body first and waited for the man to join her. It wasn’t long before he did.
Next time, he told her.
Next t
ime, she agreed and they left it all behind.
I blinked as my present surroundings came back into focus. I shook my head from side to side slowly, frowning as I tried to grasp what it all meant. I had recognised Infinity and myself even though we didn’t look anything like our present selves, I wasn’t even the same gender for goodness sake. We had lived different lives and had died together and yet here we both were, alive, together again. How was that possible? Infinity stopped grazing and looked at me. And I remembered.
I had been a government advisor when war threatened to break out. I knew a way to reach a peaceful solution to the troubles my government was facing, without the need for any fighting, but those I advised were driven by fear and I couldn’t get them to listen to me. When I refused to obey orders to remain silent about my ideas once war broke out, I was sent to the front line. I was sensitive and the avalanche of human terror and pain there overwhelmed me. I was close to insanity by the time I was led to the stall of a tall grey mare one morning and told that I was to ride in the cavalry. I was handed a brush and told to groom my new charge. As soon as I entered her stall, I was enveloped by a nurturing, limitless love that I now recognised as Infinity. The noise of the other men and horses disappeared, blocked out by the love of my horse. For the first time since arriving at the front, I felt safe and calm.
The emotions I felt in that lifetime were real to me again and tears poured down my cheeks. Infinity sent her energy to twine itself around me, comforting me as she felt my pain.