by Lynn Mann
You told me that as long as I kept my mind with yours, I would be alright. You said I was before my time and you asked if I would help you to help humans and horses to evolve further in the future, when the time was right. You said that humans wouldn’t be ready for a long time to come. We would need to agree to find each other again when the time was right, in different bodies, different lives. I didn’t even need to think about it before I agreed. It was the thought of our agreement and the delight of my bond with you that made the last few months of my life bearable, as we trained together to fight in the cavalry. We died in our first charge, thank goodness. I couldn’t have killed anybody and neither could you.
I felt her brief agreement.
It still doesn’t explain how I knew what you’d look like this time though, you were a dapple-grey last time, and taller.
I am aware of all of my incarnations. I knew what my appearance would be in this one and I showed you in the same way I showed you our last incarnations together just now. It was one of the things on which I taught you to focus so that you could block out everything you could feel from the other men. Your soul remembered it well.
You know what your future lives will be? How can you when they haven’t happened yet?
Time in a linear form is a fabrication of the human mind. You think of events happening one after the other. Accept that they are amassed on top of one another and occur simultaneously. When your mind is less restricted you will be aware of this.
Why is my mind restricted?
A good question.
Is it because I’m human?
That has always been the excuse thus far.
I sensed that Infinity wanted to be left to graze in peace now. I had collected some dry twigs and sticks during our walk through the forest, storing them in an improvised sack made by knotting my cloak together at the corners, so I decided to get a fire going and make myself some porridge and some tea while I attempted to make sense of everything I had just learnt.
Hours later, Infinity finished grazing and was ready to move on. It was going to take a while to get to The Gathering at this pace, I thought to myself as I scattered the remains of my fire and shouldered my back-sack; Infinity wasn’t able to move at the speed that she would have done alone due to my relatively slow walking pace and I was restricted from walking for as long as I would have done by myself, due to her need to graze for hours on end.
All is as it should be. Her contentment eased my concern. We were spending time on our own, I realised, getting to know each other’s thoughts and habits, and, well, bonding.
All is as it should be, I confirmed to her and put my hand to rest on her shoulder as we continued on our journey.
As we passed through an area of sparse woodland, an injured rabbit stumbled across our path. I quickly caught and dispatched it, and I wanted to stop and cook it while sticks were in abundance to make a fire. Infinity expressed a strong reluctance to stop and rest among so many trees however and I realised that whenever we passed through woodland, I felt an increased sense of alertness from her. Of course. The Woeful. I collected sticks into my cloak without complaint and we walked on until we reached the banks of a large lake, where Infinity was comfortable to stop for the night.
I set about making a fire and skinning my rabbit while Infinity grazed nearby. I blessed the rabbit as I worked, thanking it for providing me with sustenance at such cost to itself, as my parents had taught me.
No need, Infinity interrupted my ritual.
????????
The rabbit was injured. He had lived his life and it was his time to go. He chose you to help him and you did.
He chose me?
Did you think it luck that he appeared in front of you when he could easily have hidden?
Does that mean he was actually happy for me to eat him?
You will not be eating him. You will be eating the body he left behind. He moved on quickly and now considers whether he will take the form of a rabbit in his next existence here.
I dropped the stick I had just been about to add to the fire. You mean rabbits can live more than one life too?
My clear assumption that only humans and horses — the more advanced animals as I saw it — could reincarnate, was so ridiculous to Infinity and so, I sensed from her, typical of a human, that she had nothing to offer me by way of a reply.
I could feel my temper beginning to rise and tried to swallow it back down. I wasn’t used to feeling so constantly stupid. At school I had excelled in the few subjects that had captured my interest and had been totally unconcerned by my failure in those that didn’t. As an Apprentice Herbalist I had grown used to frequent approval of my natural ability. Feeling as if I knew nothing about anything was a new experience for me and I didn’t like it one bit.
Infinity grazed peacefully, her attention now taken up fully by a sweet-smelling herb that she didn’t come across very often, but liked very much. My hands were shaking with anger as I tried to skewer the skinned rabbit with a stick that I had cleaned and sharpened to a point. The stick exited the carcass at the wrong place and went into my hand, which was the last straw. I flung it to the ground by the fire and stood up, hands on hips.
‘LOOK, I KNOW I HAVE A LOT TO LEARN, THAT’S WHY I ASK YOU QUESTIONS,’ I yelled.
Infinity flinched and then returned to her grazing, unaffected. Her lack of reaction gave me pause to think. I had always thought of myself as even-tempered and polite, and yet here I was, shouting at my horse for the third time since I first met her only the previous afternoon. What was happening to me? My mother flicked into my mind and suddenly I understood how infuriating I must have been for her to deal with. I had now come across someone who mattered very deeply to me and yet thought and behaved in a way that I didn’t understand and I responded by being overly emotional, in exactly the same way as had my mother with me. I wasn’t going to carry on like this, I decided.
Infinity was with me every step of the way as I thought through my behaviour, but she stayed quiet, giving me space to think. How would I have wanted my mother to respond to me? I pondered. I would have liked her to just listen to me and accept what I said, even if she didn’t understand me or agree with me, I realised, finally. Acceptance. Was that it? I just needed to be able to accept new ways of thinking, of being, new ways of another being responding to me. Would that be enough?
We will do well together you and I, Infinity informed me.
I agreed happily and sat back down to cook my dinner.
Eight
Fear
I slept deeply that night. I dreamt that I rode Infinity in a cavalry charge while my mother stood on the sidelines, yelling that I should have listened to her and stayed at home. We pulled up sharply as a rabbit stepped calmly into our path. He told me that in his next life, he would take the form of a fish and he needed me to agree that it would be I who would catch and eat him. Then his head turned into that of Robbie, who yelled ‘GOTCHA’ before hopping back into his burrow, giggling.
When I woke the next morning, curled up once more in the safety and warmth afforded by Infinity’s body, I felt refreshed and calm. I grinned as I remembered my dream and then felt a pang of remorse as Robbie and my mother came into my thoughts. I hoped Rowena had reached my family by now to let them know I was alright.
She has. She and Oak travel now towards The Gathering.
When will they be there? When will we be there?
I could feel Infinity trying to get a sense of time in the way I thought of it. She knew where she was going and she had a sense of how far away we were, but she didn’t know how to fit that into my concept of hours and days; she lived entirely in the present. They will get there when they get there as will we, was the best she could offer me.
I yawned and then stood up. Infinity got to her feet shortly afterwards and flung each of her hind legs out behind her in turn, stretching her muscles. She wore the waterproof blanket Rowena had made for her and was very taken with it. I went
to remove it, but was halted by her thoughts. Not yet. I will wear it until the sun warms me.
I smiled. My mare was quickly learning to enjoy having a human caring for her. Is there anything else I can do for you? I asked her.
I am uncomfortable and I itch. She had complete confidence that these issues would be addressed immediately. I had a sense of skin irritation behind both of her elbows and found encrusted mud there, which I scraped off with my fingernails. I was drawn to her left hind leg and scratched the exact spot where I could sense she would appreciate it. She lifted her head from the grass and her upper lip wiggled from side to side.
I cannot reach you, she told me.
I’m alright, I can scratch myself, I thought I reassured her. Immediately I felt her affront. She showed me images of herself with various members of her herd, engaging in mutual grooming. As the horses groomed each other by wiggling their top lips and biting gently on different parts of their partner’s body, they solidified their bonds with each other, as well as reaffirming their relative positions in the pecking order.
When she groomed with her dam, she was manoeuvred into the position which suited her mother’s needs best, which was usually to work on the left side of her withers and then down the left side of her back. In return her mother oozed with maternal affection, giving security and peace to Infinity as she was, in return, groomed down her own left side. A similar situation arose when she groomed with other older mares of her herd, in that she would go along with their preferred grooming patterns. When she groomed with other youngsters however, it was an opportunity to jockey for position in the herd as much as it was for mutual pleasure. With other fillies, Infinity was bossy and insistent and usually got her grooming partner to follow her lead in terms of where on each other’s bodies they groomed, and for how long. With the colts, however, grooming sessions tended to be short and typically ended with squealing and kicking from Infinity as she found them slow to submit to her instructions.
I began to understand that grooming Infinity was going to be much more than just making sure her body was in good condition; it would help her bond to me as horse to human. How about if I scratch your front leg? I asked, anxious to make good my error. The sense of affront eased away and was replaced by contentment.
I moved to one of her front legs, knelt down and began to scratch with my nails. Immediately, Infinity’s top lip started to wiggle on the top of my head. The harder I scratched, the harder she wiggled, and I began to giggle. I worked my way around her leg and then moved to kneel in front of her as I started on the other front leg.
My legs itch when my coat changes, she told me. Of course, I realised, she would be growing her winter coat.
Is there anywhere else that itches when your coat is changing? I asked her, noting that she didn’t seem to be directing me to scratch various parts of her body in the physical, pushy way that she had done with the other young horses she had shown me.
You are not a horse. There is no need to treat you as one. She performed an inventory of her entire body and then gave me a sense that she would appreciate being scratched around the neckline of her rug. I stood up and began to scratch where Infinity had indicated and she started to wiggle her lip on my back and shoulders and then, as I scratched harder, she used her teeth.
‘OUCH!’ I yelled, rubbing my shoulder furiously. ‘No teeth Infinity, my skin isn’t tough like yours, you hurt me!’
Her shock at my shout was replaced immediately by understanding. She touched her muzzle to the place where she had bitten me and pushed my hand aside, wiggling gently on the sore area. No apology was forthcoming and I realised that none was needed. I resumed my scratching of her neck and then gradually worked my way around to her other side until Infinity was satisfied. Neither of us needed to signal that the grooming session was over, we both merely ceased and then Infinity went back to grazing and I assembled another fruit breakfast from my rapidly dwindling supplies.
I breakfasted, had an extremely cold bath in the lake and found some starflower, whose petals I ground to a paste with some water and then smeared onto my shoulder to bring out the bruise more quickly and ease the pain. I also found some other herbs that I had grown used to having in supply during my apprenticeship, and prepared them for storage in one of my empty food packets in case of need.
The day was nearly half gone when Infinity let me know that she was ready to move on. I removed Infinity’s blanket from her and tied it to my back-sack, before resuming my place at her side. We walked along the length of the lake and then up a steep, scrub-covered hill. As we reached the top of the hill, all we could see in front of us were trees. Deciduous woodland stretched away from the foot of the hill as far as the eye could see and I felt the tiniest flutter of nervousness from Infinity. I drew in a deep breath and tried to release my own anxiety as I let it back out. I put my hand to Infinity’s shoulder.
Can we go around it? I asked her.
Why?
I know you feel uncomfortable in the forest.
I am prey. If it is my time to go then a predator will catch me and I will leave my body for it to eat. If it is not my time then I will escape any predator that hunts me.
I couldn’t believe that she could be so accepting of her possible fate.
It is something humans would do well to learn, I was informed.
So why don’t we all just lay down and die then? Why would you even bother to try and escape a predator if you can accept your death so easily?
Being able to accept that my body will die when the time is right does not mean I cannot live a full life up until that point. As a horse I feel fear and flee when I sense danger. If it is time for me to go then I will not escape that danger. If I am to stay here for longer then I will. I accept either outcome. It is only my body that will die. You know this is true.
I took another deep breath. Okay, I told myself, so we would enter the woods and be in there for goodness knows how long. No matter if a Woeful found us, because if it was Infinity’s time to die they would catch her and if it wasn’t then she would escape. Hang on though, Infinity had known what she would look like in this lifetime. She would know, then, wouldn’t she, when she was due to die?
If I so chose.
And do you choose?
No.
Couldn’t you just look and see if it will be in the next few days?
I could. But I will not.
Why?
I chose to give you information from this lifetime so that your time as a soldier would be possible to bear. I choose not to know what will happen now that we are living the life we agreed because it would distract us both. You and I have much to do.
But we won’t get to do it if you don’t live past the next couple of days, will we?
If you look into your soul do you think our time together will be over soon?
I allowed my mind to quieten, much as I used to when hoping to get a sense of Infinity when I was back at home in Rockwood. All I could feel was a sense of anticipation, of a purpose as yet unfulfilled.
It’s not over, not yet, I affirmed to us both. We made our way down the hill and into the forest.
Doubt crept in and grew steadily over the following couple of days. What if it were wishful thinking that I had felt it wasn’t Infinity’s time to die? If a Woeful found us, would she die quickly? Would I be injured and forced to watch Infinity’s body being eaten in front of me? I became less and less aware of Infinity in my mind as it filled with fear. My body ached with tension and my heart hammered continuously in my chest. No matter how often I took a swig of water from my flask, my mouth remained dry. I barely ate and slept not at all.
Infinity was forced to graze the leaves from the lowest branches of selected trees, as the patches of grass that we came across were small, few and far between. I couldn’t keep still as I waited for her to eat to her satisfaction in each grazing session; I wanted to be moving and leaving these woods behind as soon as possible. I paced backwards and forwards, arou
nd trees, around Infinity. My frustration and irritation grew in proportion with my fear.
It was on the afternoon of day three of our journey through the forest, when Infinity insisted on a particularly slow perusal of the surrounding trees for any morsels she might have missed during her several hours of grazing from them, that my fear became all-encompassing and I stopped having any awareness of her in my mind at all. I lost control of myself.
‘Infinity… come… on’, I whispered as fiercely as I could. ‘We… can’t… stay… here… another… second.’
Infinity ignored me and continued her slow meanderings.
‘INFINITY, STOP IT! WE’RE LEAVING RIGHT NOW!’ I yelled. ‘I CAN’T… DO THIS ANYMORE, I JUST… CAN’T.’ I ran up to Infinity, flung my arms around her neck and tried to pull her away from the tree whose leaves she was currently munching. She snorted and pulled away from me.
‘INFINITY, MOVE!’ I yelled at her again and began to pace up to her aggressively, waving my arms, trying desperately to get her away from the tree. She spun around so that her hind end was in my face, and backed up, pushing me until I fell back against another tree. She then stood there with one hind leg lifted, threateningly. She wouldn’t kick me, would she?
It was too much. Sobs broke out from deep down inside of me and I sank down onto the forest floor, leaning back against the knobbly tree trunk. As I cried, I felt the tension begin to leave me. Infinity lowered her leg to the ground, turned to face me and then came and stood over me, her muzzle gently resting on the top of my head. Her warm breath soothed me and I felt her nurturing love surround me, wrapping me up and keeping me safe. As my fear receded, Infinity flooded my mind.
I have not been able to reach you.
Why not? I’ve been so afraid, I told her.
You made your fear your sole focus and allowed it to overwhelm you. I could not penetrate it.