by Lynn Mann
Justin frowned. ‘Gas doesn’t feel the need for something to focus his energy on though, he’s just, well, Gas.’
I shrugged. ‘Like I said, I think you’re nearly there. You’re close enough that I can’t see you separately when you’re together. And when you don’t feel you have to have a focus anymore, who knows what will happen? What did you see in me?’
‘I felt that you try and focus yourself in a single direction and find it difficult to make room for much else, but that direction is becoming a bit less defined, watered down somehow.’
My heart lifted. Did the fact that he’d seen my direction becoming less defined mean I was already changing, already on my way to reaching my own potential? I felt Infinity’s calm confirmation of my suspicion.
Justin said, ‘I don’t know how Rowena carries all that pain and anger around with her every day and still manages to smile. Thank goodness she has Oak.’
Adam re-entered the room. I told him which plant I thought would work in his experiment and he thanked me and set to work. Justin and I left his room with a pot of the new concoction shortly afterwards and made our way back to Infinity’s paddock. We found Infinity and Gas grazing peacefully, but Oak was missing and his rug was wrapped around the top rail of the fence. Justin went over to Gas with his pot of unguent and I walked over to my mare and put a hand under her rug at the neck, satisfying myself that she was warm and dry underneath.
I’m so relieved that you’re alright, thank goodness Oak and Gas could help you, I told her.
Everything is as it should be.
So, you’re saying it’s okay, what happened to you?
Everything is as it should be.
I rubbed her neck thoughtfully. Did you feel what happened to Rowena, Justin and me when you and their horses were linked like that?
Of course.
I think I understand why I see Justin and Gas the way I do now, will people see you and me that way as I get closer to being like you?
You are already like me. It is only awareness of that fact that you lack.
I smiled.
Justin called out to me that the unguent seemed to be staying in place, and raised his hand to signal his departure. I raised mine in return and wondered when Rowena would return from her ride with Oak. I hoped Oak could help her to be comfortable with the fact that Justin and I knew how she felt inside.
I groomed Infinity, passing a good amount of time in making sure she was clean and comfortable. I then mucked out the field shelter and picked up all the piles of dung that lay about the paddock, depositing all the muck in a large bin by the gate. I had learnt from Rowena that the dung was collected, dried and compacted into logs that were then used to fuel the fires in the bedrooms. When I had finished in Infinity’s paddock, I decided to be helpful and clear the neighbouring paddock as well. I introduced myself to the horses who grazed there — one of whom was Mason’s horse, the enormous Dili — and then set about my work, doing a thorough job before making my way back to my room, sodden and cold.
When I knocked on Rowena’s door the following morning, she was bleary eyed and still in her nightshirt. ‘Sorry,’ she said, yawning, ‘I’m having trouble coming to.’
We agreed that I would fetch breakfast for both of us and we would eat in her room. I saw on my way out of the dining hall that Feryl had pinned a notice on the board for me. Apparently, the Weather-Singers had announced that they could sing the current strong wind down to a slight breeze by lunchtime, so that the canopies could be erected safely in the afternoon. He had therefore moved my lesson forward to just before lunch. As I carried on back to Rowena’s room with a tray laden with toast, jam and tea, I had a sinking feeling in my stomach at the thought of another lesson and what it might do to my horse.
I found Rowena washed, dressed and in relatively good spirits. She made no mention of what had happened the previous day, so I let it lie. When we had eaten, we visited our horses to adjust rugs and check that they were comfortable. Gas was absent from the paddock when we arrived there, but we found Oak and Infinity warm and dry under their rugs despite the blustery wind and heavy showers. They needed little attention, so Rowena hurried off to her workshop where orders for rugs were piling up, promising to meet me for my and Infinity’s lesson with Feryl later on.
I enjoyed my session with Adam that morning. He greeted me warmly and was thrilled to report that Justin had not long left him, having brought news that the experimental unguent was performing admirably. We then spent two fruitful hours perusing my journal, discussing ailments for which I had already found treatments, and listing those for which I had yet to find a remedy. Our session came to an end all too quickly and I had to hurry to drop my things off in my room before meeting Rowena at the agreed time.
Once more we trod the path to the riding paddock that Feryl favoured, tailed by our horses. I felt calm acceptance from Infinity. I had asked her several times during the morning if she would prefer not to have a lesson today — or any other day for that matter — after what had happened the day before, but she had insisted on participating.
Whilst Feryl chatted to a pupil whose lesson had just ended, I saddled Infinity and then mounted. I had tuned into her body before I sat on her back and I maintained my concentration so that I would feel any changes the second that my weight settled on top of her. My heart sank; the effect of my weight behind her shoulders was immediate, pushing her forward and down onto her front legs.
Feryl appeared at Infinity’s head. ‘Okay we’ll go into the middle of the paddock where we’ve got more room, warm up for a few minutes and then move up to trot, shall we?’
‘No.’
‘No?’ Feryl narrowed his eyes. ‘No to what?’
I leaned forward, swung my right leg over the back of the saddle and slid to the ground. ‘I can’t put Infinity through another session like yesterday,’ I said and felt a rush of approval from Infinity.
‘I’ve been riding just a little longer than you have Amarilla and I can assure you that my practices are sound. There are further exercises and methods that we will use to encourage Infinity to balance better as we go along, but you need to learn to ride first. Come on now, hop back on and we’ll just practise what we did yesterday, nothing more, okay?’ said Feryl.
I looked at the ground and shook my head, biting my lip. Infinity shifted closer, until her shoulder touched mine. I tried to focus on her calm assurance.
Feryl sighed. ‘Come on, you’re just nervous. Would you like me to ask everyone to leave so you don’t have to worry that people are watching you?’
I hesitated. Feryl was being kind to me, albeit in a condescending manner and I didn’t like feeling that I was being awkward. Infinity went very still beside me, both in body and mind. It was my decision. I thrashed around internally, trying to find a way to please Feryl and then I remembered how Infinity’s body had felt when I had sat on her back just minutes previously; my weight had immediately pushed her onto her front legs and I knew it would only be a matter of time before her chest became compressed and then she would shut down again.
‘I’m s-s-sorry Feryl, I c-can’t,’ I said. Infinity’s love wrapped itself around me, comforting and reassuring me. And what was that? I felt a faint flicker of excitement and anticipation dart along our bond before I felt her take control of herself. Before I could ask her about it, Feryl turned to the people who had arrived to watch our lesson.
‘Not to worry Amarilla,’ he said in a carrying voice, ‘we all allow ourselves to be affected by nerves every now and again. What I’ll do for you this session, I’ll call Liberal and he and I will demonstrate the techniques for you and Infinity. Go on, over to the fence now, unsaddle your horse and make room for my boy.’ He went quiet for a few seconds and then I felt the soft whisper that was his horse’s reply. ‘He’s on his way,’ said Feryl. ‘Close the gate behind you Amarilla, will you? My boy doesn’t bother with gates!’ Several of his onlookers laughed appreciatively.
&n
bsp; Infinity and I went over to where Oak and Rowena waited for us. I told Rowena what had happened under my breath and then turned to look behind me at the sound of pounding hooves. A very tall, black stallion was cantering majestically in our direction. As he approached the paddock gate, he gathered himself together and then soared over it before coming to a graceful halt beside Feryl.
He was stunning. His black coat was glossy and his four white socks gleamed a brilliant white. The fine, black hair of his mane and tail had a gentle wave to it and he had a narrow, elegant face with dark, soulful eyes. Was it my imagination though, or were the areas above his eyes more hollowed than they should have been? Infinity monitored my musings closely and obviously. I continued to observe Liberal, hoping to notice something else that could help me to scratch the invisible itch that I was feeling.
Feryl saddled his horse and then leapt on to his back from a standstill, landing gracefully in the saddle. Rowena nudged me and said, ‘loves an audience, does our Feryl.’
I couldn’t help but feel impressed by what I saw next; Liberal spun around on his hind legs and then powered off in trot. He trotted majestically around the paddock before coming back to walk. He walked a large circle, which gradually became smaller, and then larger again. He moved up to a slow canter, and then increased his pace to cover more ground, before slowing again and then dropping back down to a trot. Feryl must have been giving him all the signals he had been trying to teach me, yet he didn’t appear to be doing anything other than moving with his horse. Liberal then proceeded to move easily through a set of increasingly difficult manoeuvres, holding his audience spellbound all the while. The muscles on his quarters and hind legs rippled as he used them to power his majestic body, however I noticed that the muscle on the underside of his neck appeared to be a little tight, as if straining. Infinity increased her presence in my mind once more.
Feryl ended his demonstration by cantering up to our little group and halting directly in front of us. I saw that I had not been mistaken earlier, there were definite hollows above Liberal’s eyes, giving him a slightly drawn, weary look despite his majestic physique. He stared into my own eyes and I felt as if he were willing me to understand something.
Fin, what does he want me to know? I asked my mare. She ignored my question and I felt a resistance against my mind from her; she had no intention of answering it.
‘Any questions?’ asked Feryl.
Rowena said loudly, ‘I was just wondering, Feryl, whether Liberal struggles at all under the weight of that enormous ego of yours?’
Anger flashed across Feryl’s face. He wheeled Liberal around and set him at a fast canter across the paddock, while shouting over his shoulder, ‘I’ll see you and Infinity here tomorrow afternoon at the normal time, Amarilla. I hope that you arrive in a better state of mind.’ He and Liberal jumped the fence at the far side of the paddock and then galloped off down towards the river with Feryl’s cloak billowing out behind them.
Fourteen
Observations
Over lunch, I explained my refusal to ride Infinity to Adam, Justin, Shann and Quinta. They all agreed that I’d been right not to ride her when it didn’t feel right, Justin more vehemently than all of the others combined. I was just about to relate what I’d sensed from Liberal when I felt Infinity resisting my thought pattern, making it difficult for me to order what I wanted to say. As my friends’ conversation moved on to other things, I asked Infinity to explain herself.
I have given you time to consider fully whether any information you have about Liberal is yours to share, she told me.
But horses don’t hide anything from each other the way we humans do, surely all of my friends’ horses know about whatever it is that is bothering Liberal?
I felt Infinity’s assent.
So, my friends could find out from their horses anyway, couldn’t they?
Their horses will not impart that information to them.
But why not? If horses are completely open with each other, isn’t that the way forward for all of us?
It is not so much that horses are open with one another as that we are not closed. We are parts of the same whole and this the horses know. Most humans have yet to grasp this truth. You believe you are all separate entities and there is much work each of you must do on your journey to releasing this falsehood. Bonded horses work within the current beliefs and limitations that you place upon yourselves. You have a strong need to work through your thoughts and issues privately and this we respect. Do you think it would help you if each and every horse told their person of your fears and limitations?
I recoiled at the very idea.
It would inhibit your progression, agreed Infinity. If you were to speak of what you sense from Liberal you cannot help but impart information about his person and he has the same right to work through and release the things that hold him back as you or any other human.
Okay I understand, but why wouldn’t you tell me what Liberal wants me to know? If he’s decided it’s alright for me to know something and I can’t hear him, surely it’s alright for you to just tell me?
You already know.
?????????
Liberal was not attempting to tell you something. He sensed that you already know what ails him and was attempting to assist in bringing it to the forefront of your mind.
And what do I know?
It is better that you come to the full realisation by yourself. That way it will better become part of you and of what you and I do here.
Oh Fin, please, just tell me?
I felt her move her attention from my mind to her grazing, and knew I would get no more from her. I sighed and moved my own attention to the friendly banter that was now being exchanged between my friends as they finished their lunch.
Later that day, Rowena and I added our weight to Oak’s as he pulled on a guy rope attached to a tall pole at the corner of an enormous canopy. Shann was among four men pulling at another rope at right angles to ours, and slowly but surely the pole was rising.
‘What am I going to do?’ I said breathlessly.
‘Flaming lanterns, Am, give it a rest now, can’t you?’ Rowena replied through gritted teeth. ‘We’ve all told you, listen to your horse and stick to your guns, why are you still churning it over?’
‘Because Feryl is expecting Infinity and me for a lesson after lunch tomorrow and I don’t know how to tell him that his way of teaching won’t help us.’
‘Just tell him Infinity doesn’t want to do things his way and you’re going it alone for a while,’ she said.
‘It’s not really true though is it? It wasn’t Fin’s decision to stop this morning; it was mine. And what if he gets angry?’
‘What if he does? What’s the worst that could happen?’
‘It’s just that I’ve not even been here a week yet and I don’t want to be upsetting people.’
Infinity let me know of her exasperation.
‘If Feryl gets upset then that’s up to him. You’re doing what’s right for you and your horse and that’s what you have to remember,’ Rowena told me firmly. The pole came upright and a cheer went up from Shann’s group. We all leaned on our ropes as we waited for those with mallets and giant pegs to come along and secure them. Rowena put one hand out behind us and stroked Oak’s huge rump as he waited patiently. ‘Thanks mate,’ she said quietly and was answered by a low whicker.
Once Shann’s rope had been pegged, he and his friends came to help Rowena and me to keep the tension on ours while Oak was released from the end of it. I breathed out a long sigh as a massive wooden peg was driven into the ground, securing our rope. Rowena was right. I would try to focus on the fact that what I was doing was right for me and my horse when I told Feryl we would no longer be accepting his help, and hope that would give me the strength to get the words out that I would need to say to him. And then what would I do? I could barely ride and here I was, about to refuse the help of a Master and go it alone.
You are not alon
e. I am with you. Infinity had confidence in me, I could feel it.
Once all three canopies were up and firmly secured over three of the riding paddocks, I hurried to fetch Infinity, as we were due to visit Mason, who would hopefully have my horse’s saddle ready for her. I was looking forward to seeing the big, kindly Saddler again, but was dreading having to tell him that I didn’t know how much I would actually be able to use the saddle. I told Rowena as much as she walked with us on her way back to her workshop.
‘Has Infinity told you she doesn’t want you to ride her?’ she asked.
‘No, but I’m scared to. I don’t know what I’m doing, where would I even start?’
‘Well why don’t I, Oak, Justin and Gas try and help you? Justin and I know how to ride, and Oak and Gas were both unhappy to varying degrees with how Feryl taught us, so maybe between us we can work something out?’
My heart leapt. ‘Do you think Justin and Gas would want to? I mean they got over their problems, they might not want to go back to the beginning with me and Fin.’
‘Only one way to find out, ask Justin at dinner. See you there, hope the saddle’s okay.’ She disappeared through her workshop door.
Infinity and I received a heartfelt welcome from Mason. He brought out our new saddle and placed it carefully on my horse’s back, clucking and chattering to her all the while. It was made of black leather that gleamed with the conditioner he had just finished wiping over it, and the stitching was white and stood out in stark contrast. He had stitched what looked like a number eight lying on its side into each saddle flap, just behind where my legs would rest. The symbol for infinity, I realised and felt a surge of affection for the burly man. He showed me exactly whereabouts on Infinity’s back to put the saddle, and highlighted the sheepskin pad he had made especially to go underneath it.
‘It looks fantastic, thank you so much, she loves it,’ I said. ‘I hope I can learn to ride well enough to make good use of it.’