by Lynn Mann
‘Come on, let’s just go,’ I said quietly. ‘Please don’t argue, let’s just go?’
‘I, Rowena, am the one person around here who knows fully how to train someone to ride a horse,’ Feryl said, ‘and that is why I was made the Master of Riding. You three, on the other hand, are a group of arrogant children who are dangerously unequipped for what you are attempting. I will give you one more chance, Amarilla, to continue your lessons with me. Accept now or prepare to fail. Your choice.’
I felt thoughts fly past me from both Gas and Oak. Rowena was bright red with fury, but whatever Oak said to her appeared to be holding her in check. Justin’s brow furrowed over his brown eyes, but he too held his tongue. They both looked at me.
My tongue was stuck to the roof of my mouth. I couldn’t find the will to say anything, so I merely shook my head while looking at the ground in front of me.
‘Then prepare to fail.’ Feryl turned on his heel and stalked off with his friends in tow, both of whom made a show of shaking their heads.
I breathed out a long breath, relieved that the confrontation was over.
‘Why didn’t you say anything to him?’ Rowena demanded. ‘You don’t have to be frightened of him, he may be Master of Riding but he’s a pillock and he should be asking you what your horse thinks of all this rather than bullying you, honestly Am, you’re going to have to learn to stand up for yourself.’
I nodded, knowing she was right. Infinity offered no counsel but I was grateful for her supportive energy that cocooned me still. We decided to call an end to our session for the day so that we would have time to try to come up with some ideas to try in our session the following day. I was dreading it already — what if Feryl decided to watch again?
Then maybe he will learn something, came Infinity’s thought.
I managed a smile.
Fifteen
Discomfort
Rowena questioned me again over lunch about my inability to stand up for myself with Feryl, but I had no explanation for her since I couldn’t work it out myself.
‘Well if you can’t stand up to him, you’ll just have to try and stay out of his way,’ Rowena said, ‘and that’s not going to be easy.’
‘What’s not going to be easy?’ asked Shann as he slid into the chair next to Rowena. ‘Getting a word in when you’re in the middle of one of your tirades?’
Rowena rolled her eyes. ‘Shut up Shann, we’re having a serious conversation. Ser-i-ous, that’s a word you need to learn someday, let me know when you do!’
I left them to their banter. As I passed between the tables, I exchanged smiles with a few people. Several others looked hastily away when my eyes met theirs. Feryl sat at the last table I passed and I heard the words “arrogant”, “deluded” and “disaster” being emphasised, presumably for my benefit. I walked faster, anxious to be away from him and beginning to feel angry; angry that he hadn’t listened to me, angry that he assumed he knew better than Infinity and angry with myself for being so pathetically unable to stand up for myself. To add to my discomfort, I realised that I also now had indigestion. I knew that greenmint tea would be the best thing for it but had no intention of walking back to the top end of the dining hall to get some, so I resolved to put up with it.
I spent a muddy afternoon digging up herbs from the verges of the furthest paddocks, laying them carefully in my basket, ready to be tested for their usefulness in easing two ailments — insomnia and stomach ulcers — whose remedies were proving elusive. Infinity munched nearby, emanating contentment. I, on the other hand, felt extremely irritable. I couldn’t grasp the plants with gloves on, so worked barehanded and my hands grew numb with cold and crusted with mud. I couldn’t shake the misery I was feeling at knowing that Feryl and surely countless others by now thought me arrogant and difficult, and the heartburn I had had since lunchtime was nagging away at me. I kept trying to turn my thoughts over to how Infinity’s body had felt when I rode her, in case an idea of what to do in our next session came to me but try as I might, my thoughts reverted back to what people would be thinking about me. At one point, I threw my trowel down in frustration as tears welled in my eyes.
It’s no good Fin, I can’t help it that I care what people think of me.
You can.
But I was brought up to care that I didn’t upset people, that’s how people live together, how they get along with each other.
An excuse that will suffice as well as any other. You remain stuck in one mindset because you have not yet made the decision to change it.
What, so I just decide not to care and then everything will miraculously be alright? I asked.
Everything has always been and will always be alright. Choose to see it.
But how can I choose to see it if it doesn’t feel that way? It feels as if everything is far from alright.
Where are you at this moment?
At The Gathering, kneeling in mud.
Is there somewhere else you should be?
No.
Someone you should be with?
No, I am with you.
Then everything is alright.
I suddenly saw things as they really were. I was worrying what Feryl and everyone else thought of me and would be saying about me — well who were these people? They were human beings, just as fallible as I and as Infinity had told me before, they were all on their own journeys, working through and releasing the things that restricted them. It was what my horse thought that I needed to pay attention to and as far as she was concerned, I could choose to see that everything was alright. I could choose to see that it didn’t matter what people thought about me. I felt a lot better. A thought occurred to me though.
What happens the next time someone doesn’t like what I say or do? Will I be able to see things this way by myself or will you help me again? I asked Infinity.
I will help if necessary but I will not restrict your progress by helping when you are capable of resolving things for yourself. Choose to focus your attention on something other than where your mind wants to worry. At this moment you can choose to focus entirely on gathering your plants and thinking about our work session today. Each time your mind wanders make the choice to redirect your attention once more. As time goes by you will have to make the choice less and less. It will become part of a new way of being.
I was busy digging again as I pondered Infinity’s advice. I resolved to try and do exactly as she suggested.
Do not merely try. Do.
I smiled. Okay, I would do as she suggested. A sense of satisfaction radiated from my horse.
When my basket was full, I brushed as much mud from my legs as I could and told Infinity it was time to head back. Indigestion still irritated me and I made a mental note to get myself some greenmint tea as soon as I got back to my workroom.
The following morning, I made my way down to breakfast feeling disgruntled. I had drunk several mugs of tea the previous afternoon, several more at dinnertime and another before I’d retired to bed and yet when I arose in the morning, I was still feeling unwell. I decided to drink plenty of water with my breakfast to see if that made any difference.
When I entered the dining hall, many faces turned in my direction and then turned quickly away again, and an undertone of whispers added to the usual hum of voices. As I stood trying to see if I could spot a friendly face, I caught whispered snatches of conversation from the tables nearest to me. “Infinity”, “thinks she doesn’t need Feryl”, “that Justin” and “furious” were some of the words that reached my ears. I caught sight of Justin standing up near the food table, beckoning me to join him, which I did gratefully. I helped myself to some porridge and then followed him to a table nearby where Adam sat with Norieva. I sat down and breathed out a loud sigh, relieved to be less conspicuous.
‘Don’t worry,’ Adam said to me, ‘however much change is needed, it’s human nature to resist it but we’re very good at adapting once we get over ourselves and knuckle down. That’s what will happen, yo
u’ll see.’
‘And if there’s one person who needs to get over himself it’s Feryl,’ said Justin. ‘He accosted me on the stairs as I was coming down to breakfast just now and told me in no uncertain terms how he holds me responsible for how Amarilla is behaving. Apparently, Gas and I are, what was it he said now? That’s it — a corrupting influence.’ He grinned. ‘I quite like the idea!’
‘Now now, you mustn’t start on Feryl again, Justin, he’s really very good at what he does, just look at what he’s achieved with Liberal, and he wasn’t made Master of Riding for nothing you know,’ said Norieva.
‘You always see the best in people Norrie, I admire it in you I really do, but I listen to my horse over the likes of Feryl and so does Amarilla, and Feryl just can’t get over the fact,’ said Justin.
The breakfast sitting was nearly over when Rowena appeared at the food table with Shann close on her heels. They both scooped up what food was left and then came to join us. Justin raised an eyebrow. ‘Sleep in did we?’ he asked them. Rowena’s cheeks flushed red, but the ever brazen Shann did far better at keeping his composure.
‘Ro may have done, I just decided to check on Spider before breakfast,’ he said, stuffing half a cold fried egg in his mouth.
‘That’s very conscientious of you, a shame you didn’t take as much care of yourself, did you know you have odd socks on?’ asked Justin and then ducked his head under the table. ‘Oh, and by a very strange coincidence, so does Rowena. What are the chances of that, each of you wearing one yellow and one brown sock on the same morning?’ He grinned wickedly. Rowena ignored him completely and kept her face down as she ate her breakfast.
Shann grinned back at him and agreed, ‘just what are the chances?’
Norieva looked shocked and I didn’t know what to say. Adam came to our rescue. ‘Norrie, you’ve done a fine job with the rota as usual, but you must treat me the same as everyone else. I’m here taking up just as much space as the next person and I should be pulling my weight,’ he said.
‘Adam, my friend, I’m sure the other Herbalists won’t mind me saying what is universally accepted. You are the most gifted Herbalist The Gathering has seen and your time is much better spent at your work than doing simple chores that anyone can do. Really, my treatment of you has absolutely nothing to do with your age,’ replied Norieva.
‘Whether that is truly the case, or whether you are still attempting to humour an old man, I would nevertheless like to be given a share of the chores along with everyone else. I need something to make me move this creaking body around now that Peace is gone, even if it is just sweeping floors.’
‘What are you down for Am?’ Rowena said.
I shrugged. ‘I don’t know, I haven’t looked yet.’
‘I hope you’ve gone easy on her Norrie, with it being her first full week here,’ she said.
Norieva turned towards her with a dark stare. ‘I treat everyone fairly Rowena, you know that. I seem to remember that Amarilla has kitchen duty with you. I thought you might like to show her the ropes.’
Rowena groaned. ‘Oh, not the breakfast shift? Just as it’s getting darker in the mornings? Oh, Norrie tell me you didn’t?’
‘I don’t remember which shift I gave you, but if you have the early shift then you will just have to do it with the same good grace that everyone else does.’
It turned out that we had the afternoon shift, preparing the food for the evening meal. I was relieved, as it meant I could still attend to Infinity after breakfast, fulfil my apprenticeship obligations and then carry on working with Rowena, Justin and the horses before lunch.
I left Rowena bolting down the remainder of her breakfast and went to see to my horse. I already knew she was warm and dry in her rug, but wanted to check it was still sitting on her straight and that all the straps were still adjusted correctly. I picked mud and stones out of her feet and brushed her behind her elbows and on her belly where dried mud stuck to her fur. When I’d finished, I stood and rubbed my chest with the heel of my palm. My heartburn still wasn’t clearing.
You have discomfort in your heart. Do not fear. Everything is as it should be.
It’s just indigestion, I’ve had it since yesterday. It’ll clear soon, I told her resolutely.
She turned her head around and fixed her blue eyes on mine. As she held my stare, the pain lessened slightly. Then she put her muzzle to my shoulder and nuzzled me gently before wandering off to where Oak grazed. I didn’t have a chance to question her about it as Rowena appeared, puffing, to attend to Oak. She climbed through the fence and I noticed that her socks, which she had pulled up past the tops of her boots to keep her knees warm, were now a matching pair, both yellow. I grinned to myself.
‘Need any help with Oak before I go? I’ve got a few minutes if you’re in a hurry?’ I asked her.
‘No, he’s fine, I just don’t feel right starting the day without coming to see him. Thanks though, I’ll see you in a few hours?’
I nodded, waved and then hurried to my workroom through the light rain that, judging by the colour of the clouds, would shortly be turning much heavier. I buried Infinity’s thoughts about my chest pain in my resolve to carry on drinking more water and tea. I helped myself to a huge mug of steaming tea from Adam’s pot and then settled down at my workbench.
I pushed my body’s discomfort to one side and cleared my head, ready to tune in to the first of my plant specimens from my gathering session the previous day. I spent a fruitless few hours taking one herb at a time and tuning in to it on its own and in combination with each of the others, trying to find something that would ease insomnia. I made sure I had noted down all of the herb combinations that I’d tried before finishing my stint for the day, and then donned my outer garments ready for my session with the horses.
‘Any joy?’ called Adam as I passed his open door.
I stuck my head around it and replied, ‘not yet, I’m pretty sure I need a combination of herbs, so I’m just ploughing through all the different combinations of the specimens I’ve got.’
He nodded. ‘Your instinct is correct and the herb combinations you are looking for are those that are the least forthcoming, but will teach you the most.’
‘In what way?’
He winked a sparkling green eye at me and grinned. ‘In the way that will teach you the most!’
I shook my head and said, ‘between you and Infinity, it’s a wonder I don’t spend more time screaming!’
The rain was belting down and I ran hunched over my saddle, trying to protect it. Rowena was saddling Oak in the field shelter when I got to the paddock. She put his rug back over him once she had fastened the girth, in an attempt to keep both him and the saddle dry on the way to the riding paddock. After saddling and rugging Infinity in the same way, we ran to the riding paddock with the horses trotting behind us along the stony track. We were relieved once we reached the shelter of the canopy. As we removed rugs and adjusted saddles it seemed strange to be standing on dry grass while rain lashed down just a short distance away. I looked around the paddock to see who else was there. There were three people, none of whom I recognised.
The sound of a trotting horse announced Gas’s arrival and the fact that I needed to squint told me that Justin was on his back. The gate swung open and they shot under cover. Justin slid to the ground to shut the gate before coming to join us with Gas at his side. He saw me squinting and moved further away from his horse. ‘Better?’ he asked me and after I had nodded and grinned at him, he said, ‘right, anyone any ideas for today?’
I shook my head, guiltily. I had thought and thought about everything, but still could not see a point to start from and Infinity was resolutely refusing to volunteer any ideas herself.
‘Me neither. You Ro?’
‘The only thought I had was that seeing as Infinity struggles the most, maybe she would be the best at showing us if any ideas we have are any good?’ She looked at me apologetically.
‘So, shall I make a
n attempt at riding then?’ I asked.
‘Sounds like a good place to start,’ said Justin.
I rubbed my chest with my fingers, trying in vain to ease the discomfort that persisted there.
‘You okay?’ asked Rowena.
I nodded. ‘Just indigestion, I’ll be fine.’
I led Infinity to the fence and mounted. The thrill I’d felt the previous day returned as I sat on my horse’s back and I felt it magnified by Infinity. I leaned forward and rubbed her neck.
‘We’ll just walk out onto a large circle around you again, shall we?’ I asked my friends and both nodded their agreement.
Fin? I need to share your body again but I need to be a bit more aware of my own body than I was last time, can you help me to do that? I asked her.
Immediately, I felt my awareness being pulled, ever so lightly, into Infinity’s body so that I was fully aware of both her and my bodies at the same time. It was like having double vision. I blinked in confusion as my brain tried to make sense of it.
As we walked around, I was vaguely aware of Justin and Rowena pointing out different parts of Infinity’s body to each other and sharing ideas enthusiastically. At the same time, I could feel my weight pushing Infinity down onto her front legs as I sat comfortably in the saddle, waiting. I called out, ‘any ideas for me try?’
‘Try leaning back, see if that helps,’ called Rowena.
I did as she suggested. The pressure on Infinity’s front legs eased a fraction, but not much. Her chest cavity was becoming compressed again.
‘It’s a tiny bit better, but it’s not enough. She’s shutting down again, please hurry,’ I called back.
There was more discussion. Infinity’s interest in what my friends were discussing was becoming more and more muted. Rowena raised her voice above the noise of the now torrential rain that was slamming down on the canopy. ‘Can you squeeze your legs around her belly to try and help her lift up more?’
My hips screamed in protest but I squeezed as hard as I could. Infinity’s body began to lift and the pressure on her chest cavity eased a little.