The Horses Know (The Horses Know Trilogy Book 1)

by Lynn Mann

  I will make mistakes and so will you. That is how we shall learn. If you seek to avoid the disappointment of making an error you will never progress. Step aside from your fear and ride.

  Instantly I felt calm. I realised that however much I’d enjoyed working with Diligence, there was just nothing like working with my own horse. It was more than just the familiarity of her thoughts or the fact that I trusted her so implicitly, it was a feeling of completeness, a feeling that together, there was nothing that we couldn’t do.

  Remember that when we encounter difficulty. It will help. Infinity placed her thoughts gently into my mind as I settled down in my saddle.

  ‘Am do you want me and Oak to ride around with you, or do you want me to stand and watch you from the ground for a while in case you need help?’ asked Rowena.

  ‘Thanks Rowena, I think we’ll be okay for a bit, could I just call out if I need you?’

  ‘Atta girl!’ she said. ‘We’ll stay nearby. Right Marvel, let’s be having you! And keep the noise down today, Amarilla needs to be able to make herself heard if she and Infinity want any help, so you’ll have to keep your hollering to a minimum.’

  ‘Does that mean I won’t need these today then?’ Justin made a big show of removing the bright green ear plug he had just put in his ear, cleaning it on his jumper and putting it into his pocket along with its partner. We all laughed and I felt a surge of affection for my friends. ‘Have fun Am,’ he called, ‘just yell if you need us.’

  I nodded. Ready? I asked Infinity.

  I felt her assent and gathered up my reins until I could feel her mouth at the other end of them, took a deep breath and then squeezed her sides with my legs.

  It was easy. I was fitter, stronger and more balanced than the last time I’d ridden Infinity and in no time at all, she was lifted up in front of me and supported there by my reins and my thighs. Her chest had barely had time to close down when I felt it begin to open, accompanied by a rush of satisfaction and joy from Infinity.

  This is it! Well done Fin!

  We hadn’t gone far though, before her steps faltered.

  I cannot maintain it, came her urgent thought as she ground to a halt.

  What’s wrong? What do you need me to do? Fin? Fin? Please, tell me what happened? What did I do?

  No reply. And she was cross.

  Infinity, I don’t know what happened and I don’t know what to do differently, please tell me?

  She was rooted to the spot and fury now coursed through her. My mind raced. What was happening?

  ‘Everything alright Am?’ asked Rowena, but I didn’t have time to explain; frightened as I was rapidly becoming, I needed to think fast and do something.

  Infinity trembled beneath me and I sensed that she wasn’t far off exploding with what was fast becoming an all-consuming rage. I asked her to move on, clamping my mouth tightly shut in order to stop my lips from trembling. There was no room for my feelings now, this was about Infinity. She moved forward, but she didn’t feel secure, I could feel it. She couldn’t stay in her new balance for any length of time and I wasn’t doing enough to help her; my legs and reins alone weren’t enough. Her tail swished angrily and she gnashed her teeth so that I could hear the bit clanging around in her mouth. How could I help her to feel more secure? I wondered, desperately. Then I remembered something that Dili had told me she’d found helpful when I rode her.

  I lifted my chest and immediately something shifted in both me and Infinity. I felt stronger and more stable, and I sensed a glimmer of hope from Infinity. She tentatively took a step forward and as she leant against my reins, I could feel her take heart from the extra stability that she could feel down them. My heart lifted. I had her!

  Fin, I’ve got you! You won’t overbalance, I’ve got you!

  Her left ear flickered back towards me uncertainly. She didn’t trust, not yet, but I knew I was right, and that knowledge gave me the confidence to relax completely into my riding. I gave her a firm nudge with both of my heels, which shocked her into taking a few hasty steps before grinding to a halt again. We were still in balance. My heart thumped with excitement.

  I nudged again, which produced another few steps and then before she could stop, I nudged yet again. After a short while of feeling as if Infinity balanced on a knife edge, making tentative, small steps, I felt her emotion begin to subside a little. I carried on asking her to move forward, keeping my chest lifted as I caught her with my reins and thighs when her balance faltered, bringing her back to that beautiful place where everything felt light and easy for a second or two, before she faltered and I needed to step in and help her find it again.

  My back muscles screamed. They were on the verge of cramping, as were the muscles in my legs, but there was only a small part of me that registered the fact. Most of my awareness was with my horse, as moment by moment, I fought with her for her balance. This was of momentous importance to her and I was under absolutely no illusion to the contrary.

  I reached the point where fatigue overwhelmed everything else and I couldn’t even say whose fatigue it was — mine or Infinity’s. I waited for one of the moments when she was balancing by herself and then closed my thighs around her and pulled back gently. We slowed to a graceful halt. Thank goodness. I dismounted immediately and applause erupted all around us.

  Infinity stood as she had after the last time I had ridden her, higher at the withers than at her rump, her front legs seemingly out in front of her and with her neck beautifully arched. She blinked incessantly and I could feel her trying to make sense of how her body was now organised and how it affected her emotions and her sense of herself. She was tired, but a sense of wonder and intense satisfaction emanated from her.

  ‘Thunder and Lightning, Am, what was all that about? Infinity looked as if she was about to explode!’ said Rowena.

  ‘Whatever it was, it was something meaningful, even Gas went all still and thoughtful,’ said Justin. ‘At times you both looked fantastic and the two of you kind of melded together, and then it was like there was a war going on between you! Are you both alright?’

  ‘We’re fine thanks, just fine!’ I said and agreed to tell them about it later when they’d all finished riding.

  I loosened Infinity’s girth, threw her rug over her to keep her warm and then settled onto the fence next to Adam to watch everyone else. Infinity stood with her head by my knee, giving the outward impression that she now dozed peacefully, but I knew differently. I began to feel a little concerned about the degree of introspection in which she was engaging, but then I remembered back to how she had been after I had last ridden her under Feryl’s instruction. Then, her chest area had been compressed and she had been less able to express herself and the other horses had been concerned for her. This was different. Her mind was a frenzy of activity as she processed what we had just achieved and I could feel that a whole range of emotions roiled within her, each steadily rising to a crescendo before the next one bubbled up and took over. The other horses in our group showed no concern for her whatsoever as they and their riders worked on as usual.

  I told Adam what had just happened. ‘She was furious, yet she knows I’m still learning myself and she wouldn’t tell me what the problem was, I had to work it out for myself!’

  ‘And how do you feel now that you have?’ he asked.

  ‘Stronger, now that you mention it and not just in my body, in my mind as well.’

  ‘More confident?’

  ‘Yes! That’s it, more confident!’

  ‘So then, you both gained from the experience. It seems to me that you and your lovely girl have a very productive partnership. I wasn’t aware of you melding together as Justin described, but I think I have a glimmer of understanding as to why he saw you both that way. Just keep going as you are Amarilla, I have a feeling that you and Infinity are at the threshold of something that will affect us all quite significantly.’

  I had the same feeling myself. A rush of anticipation shot through me a
nd caused Infinity to jerk out of her reverie. Sorry Fin.

  A faint wave of love and… something else wrapped around me by way of her reply. What was that? There was only one word I could find to describe it: strength! Infinity was feeling stronger too! What was happening to us?

  We have both opened more at the chest. You lifted and opened your chest in order to support me and my chest opened more as a result, Infinity told me.

  But why were you so angry?

  My body was in neither the unbalanced organisation that feels safe by its familiarity nor in the fully balanced organisation I yearn for. I was stuck betwixt. The emotion I expressed came unbidden.

  Fin why don’t any of the other horses get angry? They seem to just gradually get more balanced, I haven’t seen any of them react the way you did.

  They are willing to accept making the small improvements to their balance which will enable them to carry their riders more easily. You and I must go way beyond that and achieve The Ultimate. It is much more challenging for us both. This is what we agreed to do. Everything is as it should be.

  The Ultimate? What’s that? Do the others know about it?

  Helping a horse to carry a rider without harming itself is only part of what is possible. The other riders have yet to realise this except for one. He knows yet balks from it.

  Fin, what’s possible?

  You know. You have already seen it.

  What have I seen? When?

  She didn’t answer. Balks From What Is. Justin. He knows, I thought to myself, and he isn’t going to balk from telling me. I realised suddenly that I wasn’t thinking like myself. My newly emerging confidence felt strange, as if there were a whole new part of me unfurling and filling my sense of myself. I decided that I liked it.

  As Infinity and I made our way back to her paddock just ahead of our friends, I felt vibrant with energy. Things had changed this day, and were about to change even more, I could feel it.

  Justin’s voice reached me over my shoulder. ‘Well then Am, sooner or later you’re going to need to come out with it and I’d rather it was sooner!’

  I turned towards him and smiled. ‘Balks From What Is, you have some explaining to do!’

  ‘I do? Well, At The Cusp, you can go first!’

  ‘What? That’s not what Infinity calls me, she calls me…’

  At The Cusp, Infinity confirmed.

  ‘Oh. How did you know that before I did?’ I asked Justin.

  ‘Possibly because I asked? I didn’t for a minute think Gas would tell me even though Infinity had obviously told you Gas’s name for me, but he told me as soon as I asked! You mean you didn’t know her name for you?’

  ‘Well I know the one she used to call me, it seems to have changed though! Justin, what exactly is it you’re balking from? Infinity says you know what The Ultimate is, she says that she and I have to strive straight for it and miss out all the little steps you’re all taking with your horses, but what is it?’

  ‘Well I’m not sure I know exactly what she means by…’

  ‘Yes, you do, if Fin says you know then you know. Come on Jus, don’t hold out on me, you can help me here, you can help all of us, what is it that we’re aiming for?’

  He sighed. ‘Okay, how did you choose Infinity’s name?’

  ‘When she showed me all of herself, I felt that she was all there is, that there was no beginning and no end to her, that she was infinite.’

  ‘She is. They all are. We all are. We’re all just parts of the same infinite whole. The difference between humans and horses is that the horses know it and we don’t. Well, some of us are waking up to the fact. As soon as I heard the name that you had chosen for your horse I knew you were one of them.’

  ‘And you’re another. So why isn’t Gas called Infinity?’

  ‘He is, in my own peculiar way, think about it Am and while you’re there, consider why Shann may have named Spider as he did.’

  My mind spun. ‘You’re going to need to explain it to me Jus, sorry, I don’t get it.’

  ‘We all saw the same thing when our horses revealed themselves to us, you, me and Shann,’ Justin explained, ‘but we chose different names for what we saw. The closest word I could think of when I saw All That Is in my horse, was the word for something that has the capacity to expand endlessly. Shann saw Spider as sitting at the centre of a vast network, connected to everyone and everything else, like a spider sitting at the centre of its web. We all saw the same thing, Am, we just chose different words for what we saw.’

  ‘But if Shann knew, why did he leave? Why was it his time to go? Surely he should have stayed to do what we’re all doing with the horses?’

  Justin sighed. ‘As far as Gas has been able to help me understand, Shann became He Who Is Spider in the moment that he felt from the Woeful why it was there. He fully realised that we are all connected, that we are all one with each other and with All That Is. The moment he had that feeling of oneness that Infinity calls The Ultimate,  he achieved his potential and didn’t feel the need to be here any longer; the Woeful gave him the opportunity to leave.’

  ‘Does this mean that when you and I achieve our potential, we’ll die too?’

  ‘That is what I don’t know Am, and Gas refuses to enlighten me. Call me a coward, but I know what is possible and I hold myself back from it because I don’t want to die. I’m not ready to leave this body, this lifetime. There it is, I’ve told you.’

  ‘How is this connected to helping the horses balance better?’

  ‘I’m not sure, but I think the fact that you can’t distinguish me from Gas when we’re together, and now the same thing is happening when you ride Infinity, points to the fact that we’re going in the right direction. One minute I feel happy about it and the next minute I’m terrified.’

  A small stab of fear announced itself in my stomach and Infinity increased her presence in my mind in a flash. Everything is as it should be. My fear disappeared as quickly as it had arrived.

  ‘Justin do you trust Gas?’

  ‘Well of course I do, how can you…’

  ‘Then go with it. Neither of us knows what’s going to happen, but I know above everything else that I trust Infinity and if she thinks we’re going the right way, then whatever happens, I’m carrying on.’

  ‘It’s not that easy Am.’

  ‘Yes, it is. Come on Jus, what are you going to do otherwise? Creep through life trying to be safe, then sit waiting to die, regretting that you never had the courage to trust your horse and explore what’s possible?’

  He was silent as Gas’s thoughts whistled to him like dart after dart being thrown at a gaming board.

  ‘Right everyone, see you at dinner when Amarilla is going to tell us all exactly what she and Infinity were up to back there!’ Rowena yelled.

  ‘Oh blimey, where will I start?’ I whispered to Justin. ‘How much do I say? Do you want me to leave you and Gas out of it?’

  ‘I’m not sure of anything at the moment, I’ll see you later Am,’ he replied and wandered off towards the field shelter, his horse at his shoulder.

  ‘Yep, see you later,’ I said to his retreating back.

  Fin, why have I always had trouble seeing Justin separately from Gas? He’s only started seeing me that way since I’ve been riding you, and even then, only in the moments when you’re better balanced?

  Balks From What Is has been aware of his connection to All That Is for most of his life and instantly connected with his horse at a much deeper level than any other bonded human. You are more sensitive than most and can see how little he holds himself apart from his horse. You currently experience moments of truth only for the few moments at a time that you and I achieve a better balance.

  Why only then? Why aren’t I aware of it all the time as Justin is, now that I know what’s possible? I saw it in you, so why don’t I feel it all the time?

  There are obstacles which stand between you and greater awareness. Have patience. Everything is…


  … as it should be, I know.

  Twenty-Four

  Clearing

  The next few weeks were a bit of an anticlimax. Far from being the exciting time of revelation and discovery that I had envisaged, I found myself as much in the dark as ever and extremely frustrated about it.

  Adam had given me his undivided attention for a short time during the morning after I’d discovered his use of suncatcher — enough time for me to explain what I’d discovered and about Infinity’s assertion that creation and discovery were pretty much the same thing, anyway — before informing me that my apprenticeship was coming along very nicely now, and politely instructing me to go away and carry on. I insisted that he tell me whether he was indeed using suncatcher as I thought he was, all the while finding it impossible to be angry at his refusal to either confirm or deny that I was right.

  Eventually, he took pity on me. ‘Amarilla please remember back to yesterday when you were forced to work out for yourself how to help that glorious mare of yours, and trust me when I tell you that if I truly thought it would help you, I would answer the questions that burn within you now. I have absolute confidence in you, and I would like you to return now, please, to your studies.’

  I did as he asked and spent many fruitless hours during the following days and weeks, trying to persuade suncatcher leaves to carry my intention to alleviate insomnia symptoms. Whenever I tuned into them after one of my attempts, however, they felt just the same as ever to me and I couldn’t see that I’d managed to alter them one bit.

  My riding sessions with Infinity settled into a predictable routine. I would get on, ask her to move forward and then we would alternate between being unbalanced and precariously balanced, until we were too tired to carry on. We appeared to have reached a plateau on which we were now stuck and I didn’t know what to do about it.

  Infinity barely communicated with me when I rode her. Her attention was always fully taken by the interaction between our physical bodies and how her own body was responding as a result, and she didn’t appear to have room in her thoughts to volunteer anything that would help me figure out how we could progress further. She had no more to say on the subject in between riding sessions either.