by Lynn Mann
I also got into the habit of running through my latest riding session with Infinity in my head, analysing what I’d been doing when we were in balance, how I’d been feeling about things, how my body had been functioning and what I needed to concentrate more on in our next session, in order to achieve more of that blissful oneness with my horse — with All That Is — that I now craved.
And when I’d run out of horse-related things to think about, I thought about all the outstanding problems in my apprenticeship. I still had no idea which herbs would help either insomnia or stomach ulcers. So far, I’d failed to identify the secret ingredient in Adam’s combination cream he’d given me for my face after Rowena had punched me, and I couldn’t think where to start. Adam’s use of suncatcher still eluded me and yet seemed to be so close to my grasp, and Infinity’s assertion about discovery and creation was driving me nuts. As I churned all of these things over and over in my mind, day after day, an inkling formed in my mind that the answers to all of my dilemmas were connected. Sometimes I felt as if I were just on the verge of realisation and I would stand bolt upright, dropping whatever I was doing as I waited for the answer to become clear in my mind… only to find that all thoughts disappeared completely, leaving me angry and frustrated.
You try too hard to remember what you already know, Infinity informed me on one such occasion.
But how will I know what I know without trying to remember?
Trust yourself. When you and I find balance you lift the veil that you pulled down when you incarnated as a human and you experience the truth. You know what the horses know. You know we are all one with everything that is. We have all of the answers to all of the questions. You will remember what you need at such time that you can truly understand it.
It’ll be when I’m riding you, won’t it?
Maybe. Not necessarily. Your body is changing. It will not be long before you can clear the last of that which holds you back. When that happens you will be able to experience truth at will without needing me.
I’ll always need you Fin.
Your thought comes from emotion rather than truth.
Right well while we’re on that topic, how come it’s ok for you to be emotional but not me?
Emotion can be necessary at the appropriate time. Fear can provide the body with motivation to protect itself. Anger can signal that a boundary needs to be established for the good of all. Joy signals that a worthwhile experience should be repeated. All animals make use of emotion in order to gain the most from their bodily experience. Humans alone choose to experience excess emotion as a form of indulgence.
Oh. Well how do I know when I’m experiencing appropriate emotion and when I’m just indulging myself?
It is a distinction most humans find difficult. It is useful to ask yourself whether your emotion is serving a purpose. If you fail to think of one then it is an indulgence best foregone.
I brought the thought of not needing Infinity to the forefront of my mind and once more felt fear and sorrow. I’d be alone. Never mind that I wouldn’t need her, I’d always want to be with her, the thought of going back to life as it had been before I found her was intolerable. Tears filled my eyes.
There is yet much work to do, Infinity noted.
Twenty-Six
Infinity
A few weeks on and Infinity and I were going from strength to strength, literally. Infinity would achieve perfect balance within her first few strides and I was becoming used to the gasps that would emanate from onlookers as my beautiful mare powered her way around the riding paddock. She committed everything that she had to each powerful stride, as did I.
I sat deeply into my pelvis now and revelled in the feeling of security that gave me, not just in the saddle but within myself. Occasionally the tiniest trickle of emotion would still leave Infinity’s body, but she no longer felt the need to perform any of her explosive accompanying manoeuvres.
The same couldn’t always be said, however, if a spectator happened to cough as we passed by, if a bird flew out of a nearby tree, or if a leaf dared to rustle in the wind. One minute we would be trotting with purpose and concentration, the next we would be airborne, before landing somewhere else entirely. I had to use all of my strength and balance in order to stay on board when she spooked like that and she would snort her affront if I wasn’t quite where she expected me to be by the time she was ready to carry on.
Uncomfortable as it was when she reacted that way, I couldn’t blame her; when she and I were in perfect balance, we were so absorbed in our connection with one another that we were far less aware than usual of what was going on physically around us. With any small loss of balance, we would be jolted fully back to the physical reality and it was at these moments that any sort of disturbance nearby seemed magnified a hundredfold.
The day arrived when we finally managed to achieve our perfect balance whilst cantering. We also experienced our first major spook whilst travelling at increased speed, as a result of Feryl choosing to pick the fight that had been brewing ever since my friends and I had taken it upon ourselves to give riding instruction.
We had been expecting it for a while. Feryl was Master of Riding and we were now not only going against his instruction, but giving our own to students that were formally his. We had agreed that there was going to be a tantrum of epic proportions at some point and none of us were under any illusions that the focus of that tantrum would be anyone but me.
‘Let him say his piece until he’s exhausted himself and then just carry on Amarilla,’ Quinta had advised.
‘No way, you know how he’ll speak to you, give him as good as you get Am,’ Rowena argued.
‘It’s a shame the man’s too pig-headed to sit down and talk about this with us,’ Mason said. ‘He looks terrible and so does his horse, and those of all his friends, I just don’t understand any of them.’
‘I think he’s way past the point of reason. He’s hurt, angry and he’s lost most of the kudos he’s so dependent on. We’re all here to support you Am, you know that, but, if I were you, I’d be practising with that light shield thing you do,’ was Marvel’s advice. ‘Focus on protecting yourself while he has his rant. You have no need to justify what we’re doing, the results we’re getting with the horses are doing that.’
The human need to feel special has a lot to answer for, I thought to Infinity. She carried on her mutual grooming with Oak without comment.
‘The chances are he’ll do it while you’re either riding or teaching and I’ll be alongside you during both so don’t worry, we’ll face him down together,’ Justin said.
‘What do you think Adam?’ Rowena asked.
‘I think that whatever needs to happen will happen,’ Adam replied, winking at me.
Feryl did, indeed, pick his moment. I was revelling in the strength and balance of Infinity’s body as the three-time beat of her canter stayed rhythmical and sure beneath me. I felt the tiniest hint of emotion leave her and realised that she was finally free of all the elements of her past that had been trapped within her for so long. Infinity’s forequarter began to drop very slightly as we went down a slight incline, and as my body effortlessly corrected her small loss of balance, I felt my chest open the fraction it needed to for my body to be able to reach its own perfect balance. We were a part of everything, and yet everything ceased to exist. We were one, we were infinite and we needed nothing other than the blissful awareness of that truth.
Just then, someone began to clap loudly, directly in front of us. Infinity stopped dead in her tracks and spun to the right, her heart thumping wildly, and I came close to leaving the saddle. We turned back to see that Feryl was spreading his hands far apart in between each clap so that his movements were unmissable and so that the resulting noise was as loud as possible.
He looked dreadful. His hair was now shoulder length and greasy, and greyer than I remembered. He was clean shaven but his face was drawn and he had dark circles under his piercing blue eyes. Judging by
the way his clothes now looked baggy on him, he had lost weight. As soon as he saw me looking at him, he climbed through the fence, still clapping. Salom was standing next to the spot he had vacated with an avid expression on her face.
‘Am, do you need me?’ Justin called out worriedly behind me.
‘I’m fine thanks, don’t worry,’ I replied.
Feryl stopped halfway between Infinity and the fence and I realised that his words were going to be as much for the spectators as for me. ‘Well at least this time you didn’t fall off, let’s have a round of applause for Amarilla, everyone!’
A few people clapped, but other than that there was silence. I waited for the terror to begin; the tightness in my throat, the shaking, the sweating at the thought of having to stand up for myself, but nothing happened.
‘Now tell us Amarilla, in front of the captive audience that we all know you crave, tell us all, what gives you, who hadn’t even sat on a horse this time last year, and who, let’s be honest, still finds it hard to sit on one for any length of time without hitting the deck, the right to TEACH MY STUDENTS?’ He was hysterical, there were no two ways about it.
I still didn’t feel scared or underconfident and I didn’t even feel angry that Feryl had given Infinity such a fright. I was aware of Feryl as if he were me. I felt everything he was feeling. He was angry, he was tired and he was lonely, oh so lonely; he had held himself back from Liberal so as to protect himself from the things he couldn’t face and he missed his horse desperately. But above all, he was frightened. Frightened that he was wrong. Frightened that he wasn’t everything he thought he should be. Frightened that he didn’t know as much as one in his position should. My heart went out to him.
I dismounted and walked over to Feryl, Infinity at my side. Feryl fidgeted where he stood and then took a step back. I mustered as much light as I could and pushed it outside of me, but instead of surrounding myself with it, I sent it to Feryl and allowed it to settle gently around him. I was surprised at how easy I found it and how natural a thing it seemed to do. His shoulders lowered slightly and I saw his jaw relax.
‘Feryl there’s no need to be frightened,’ I said quietly. ‘Everything you’ve always taught was right and is still very much needed by everyone here, it’s just that we’ve found a few extra things that can really help the horses. I know you can see how Infinity can balance now and the effect it has on us both, and we couldn’t have got there without some of the things you taught me. We couldn’t have done it without you Feryl.’
His anger faded visibly, allowing exhaustion to take over. His piercing eyes flicked constantly between my own and he looked desperate to believe me.
I tried again. ‘Feryl, please come and ride with us. Between your knowledge and what we’ve learnt from our horses, we can help so many more people and horses so much more quickly, including Liberal. He misses you as much as you miss him, you know he does.’
At that, Feryl’s shoulders sagged and all the fight left him completely. Infinity moved close to him and rested her head on his shoulder, blowing softly into his ear. He slowly lifted a shaking hand to her muzzle and rubbed it gently. ‘What have I done?’ he whispered. ‘Liberal, what have I done?’
Immediately, Infinity lifted her head, her ears pricked and turned in the direction of the buildings. A horse was whinnying loudly and soon hoofbeats could be heard pounding against the ground. Infinity whinnied back so shrilly that I was forced to block my ears. Liberal comes, she informed me.
People who had been watching from the gateway moved to make way for Feryl’s tall, black stallion.
Liberal looked a shadow of his former self, but even though he was underweight, with a dull coat and eyes that looked too prominent in his beautiful, delicate head, he made an impressive sight as he jumped the gate and cantered up to where Feryl stood looking utterly defeated. Infinity whickered in her throat, but Liberal ignored her. He came to a graceful halt in front of his Bond-Partner and then proceeded to sniff each of his hands in turn, whilst communicating with him at what felt like hurricane speed. Feryl looked at him with misery in his eyes. I continued sending him as much light as I possibly could. Silence hung over the paddock but the air was charged with anticipation. Eventually, Feryl reached a hand up tentatively to rub the side of Liberal’s face and I saw a glimmer of a smile on his lips. He took a step closer to his horse and put both arms up around his neck, burying his face in Liberal’s mane. I heaved a sigh of relief. Everything was going to be alright.
All of a sudden, my heart lurched violently in my chest and an indescribable pain seized me. At least it tried to. My heart continued to lurch and it was as if it dodged the pain, giving it nowhere to be, nowhere to anchor itself. It wasn’t really a physical pain, I realised as I clutched hold of my chest with my left arm. It was the pain of a hurt that had lasted ages but now had no place to be. I didn’t need it anymore! As soon as that thought came into my mind, I felt the pain begin to leave.
Infinity’s love infused me as I screamed. I felt the hurt in all its ferocity as bit by bit, it left my body. I wanted to run away but my legs were so weak that I had to put an arm over Infinity’s neck to steady myself. The pain continued to leave my body like a deep breath being slowly exhaled and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I wanted to knock myself out, anything to avoid having to feel what I was feeling.
‘Am what is it? Tell me?’ Rowena’s frantic voice was by my ear. All I could do was scream.
‘Ro leave her, she’s alright I think, well she will be, Infinity’s all she needs right now. She’s just doing what Infinity and Spider did, leave her,’ I heard Justin say urgently.
The last of the pain left me and my knees buckled. It seemed an eternity before I hit the ground and, on my way down, as the blurred images of my surroundings seemed to pass my eyes in slow motion, realisation hit me. I had reached the point Infinity had told me I would. My body had changed to the point where I could maintain my physical and emotional balance on my own and as such, I’d been capable of seeing how things really were when I spoke to Feryl. I’d known what the horses know; he was as much a part of me as I was of him and of everyone else. We were all part of the same… part of the infinite, we WERE THE INFINITE!
All of this time I’d thought I needed to be able to stand up for myself, to be able to make myself heard, but now I’d reached a place of understanding, of knowing that it wasn’t about any of that. It was about knowing the truth for myself, knowing it so deeply, so unequivocally, that being right and being heard didn’t matter. Instead of arguing with Feryl, I had loved him and given him what he needed… and it had been enough. I was aware briefly of Infinity’s pride and love for me, before I hit the ground and everything went black.
I was floating in a vast greyness and I could feel Infinity very close by. Cords of varying thickness seemed to be running from where I floated to where my body lay and I probed at them with my consciousness. The thickest one felt strong and seemed to be pulsing.
Do not disrupt that one until you have decided where we go from this point forward, came Infinity’s thought. It resonated throughout my consciousness and I wondered at how I’d ever been content with the muted connection we’d had whilst in our bodies. I turned my attention to the next thickest of the cords, which ran from me to my body’s heart and appeared to be wavering in and out of existence. That one you can clear. You have done everything you needed to resolve the issue that gave your physical heart so much pain. It is no longer needed.
Why was I so hesitant? Thought was all there was and as a result, my confusion was all-consuming.
She Who Is Infinity. You do not need that any longer. Clear it. Infinity’s warm encouragement eclipsed my confusion and I turned my attention towards the cord, at the point where it was attached to my body’s heart. I wrapped myself around it and pulled until it came free. It flickered and reeled back to me. I welcomed it and as it became part of me, I felt stronger and more whole.
I noticed now that the remainin
g cords were more like threads, thin and weak, but they were consistent in their existence.
You will resolve those swiftly but they are for another time. Another lifetime if you so choose, Infinity advised me.
For the first time, I thought about the significance of the fact that my body lay somewhere else and I didn’t appear to be in it. Are we dead?
We are never dead. You know this.
Well I’m not in my body, are you in yours?
Partly as is always the way for my kind. Worry not. Your body sleeps for now. You have a choice. You have reached the potential you set for yourself before incarnating into your human body this lifetime. All you need do is sever the tie to your body and you will be free to move on.
But what about you?
If you choose to leave this incarnation then I will leave also.
Do you want to?
I have no preference.
And if I choose not to leave?
Then you and I will return to our lives as Bond-Partners. There is much that we can achieve. You will be one of the first humans capable of fully expressing your soul through your personality. It will be interesting to witness the consequences.
I allowed myself time to consider. I was feeling the deep sense of fulfilment that I remembered experiencing hundreds of times before. It was the feeling of leaving a lifetime having accomplished what I’d set out to do. Immediately, I remembered all those other times when I’d left feeling despondent or full of regret after having done just the opposite, and grief at those memories overwhelmed me. I felt a gentle pulling of my consciousness.