Queen Bee

by Dorothea Benton Frank

  “No, I think this is a real thing he’s been hiding for a long time. You do know he wants to stay married to Leslie, don’t you?”

  What? Stay married? No way! I tried to remain calm.

  “No, she didn’t tell me that, but I can see why it might be problematic.”

  “But he wants her to call him Charlene when he’s dressed up. Dear God! What next?”

  Holy crap, I thought.

  “I’d call a lawyer. But that’s up to Leslie,” I said.

  “Thank God they don’t have children.”

  “Well, it would be more complicated; that’s for sure. Although, I’d love a niece or a nephew.”

  Momma harrumphed loudly and stared at me with squinted eyes.

  “Who put the bee in your bonnet?” she said.

  “No one. I’m fine.”

  She harrumphed again. She knew I wasn’t telling her something.

  “What’s for dinner?” she said.

  “I took more pork chops out of the freezer this morning.”

  “With apples?”

  “Of course.” Was she accidentally telling me she liked something I cooked?

  “You know, even though it was trouble that brought Leslie home, it’s nice to have my girls under one roof.”

  “If you say so,” I said.

  “I’m going to go lie down,” she said in the weariest voice I’d ever heard. “This is too much for me. Too much.”

  She wasn’t wrong. It was too much. Good Lord, how would we ever sort this one out? Somehow, all the nosy Nellies on this island were going to find out about Charlie and talk about Leslie behind her back. Eventually, Leslie would hear about it and be mortified. I could see the writing on the wall. She was going to have to come up with a story. Maybe she should just tell the truth.

  I began peeling the apples into large chunks. I threw some ground sage, cinnamon, and brown sugar on them and browned them a bit in butter in our Dutch oven that was so old I don’t even remember life without it. A few minutes later I heard loud thuds, like things were crashing on the floor. I turned off the stove and went to investigate. It was my lovely sister Leslie, the Princess of Pride, tossing my books and bins from her room to mine.

  “What are you doing?” I said.

  “I don’t need your shit all over my room. I’ve got a whole trailer to unpack. Did anyone offer to help me? Hell, no! I hate this family!”

  I decided to use the voice I used at Publix when it was clear I was dealing with a deranged customer.

  “Leslie? You’re angry. You’ve got every right to be.”

  “I’m way more than angry!”

  “And you’re probably exhausted from your long drive.”

  “My shoulders are killing me!”

  She leaned against the wall and began to weep all over again. Even though she aggravated me to death, I felt sorry for her. Who else did she have in the world? I threw my arm around her shoulder and gave her a squeeze.

  “Why don’t you go take a good long soak in the bathtub? It would do you a world of good. And if you’ll stop throwing my stuff around, I’ll help you unload your trailer in the morning. How’s that?”

  “You’re right. I’m sorry. Oh, Holly! My life is one big mess! How could Charlie do this to me?”

  “Because you can only hide your true self for so long? I don’t know. You want a glass of wine?”

  “A bottle and a straw would be more like it.”

  She attempted a smile, and it was so lopsided and her eyes were so puffy, it made me feel awful for her.

  “Archie’s got a new flame,” I said. “A dentist.”

  She gave me the funniest look and realized that I had feelings for him. And that I was disappointed.

  “Men stink,” she said.

  “Yeah, but we love the smell,” I said.

  “We must!”

  “Go start your bath and I’ll bring you a glass of my best cheap wine.”

  Tyler said, “Tell us what happens when the queen dies.”

  I said, “Well, in one scenario, worker bees will enlarge normal cells to a size that will accommodate a queen, then flood them with royal jelly. If more than one virgin queen emerges, they fight to the death to see who will rule the hive.”

  “Cool.”

  Chapter Seven

  Bermuda Triangle

  Over the next few weeks Archie explored the wonders of his dentist and Leslie wormed her way back into my heart. Deeply destabilized by Charlie’s announcement, she began to change, to get nicer, more considerate. For one thing, she stood up for me with our mother.

  “Holly’s not your personal chew toy, Momma.”

  “Whatever is that supposed to mean?”

  “It means you should quit nitpicking everything she does.”

  Momma would harrumph, which was still her signature sound of disapproval, and then proceed to ignore us for a while.

  She was my sister, after all, so it was nice to see her act like one. And although Charlie made many attempts to patch things up, Leslie insisted she was through with him.

  We were sitting on the front porch having a glass of iced tea and talking like sisters do.

  “I just can’t go back, you know?” she said.

  “I get it,” I said.

  “He’s called me twenty times since I left.”

  “Literally?”

  She nodded her head.

  “That’s a lot,” I said.

  “Of all the damn reasons my marriage should fall apart, this was not the one I would’ve picked.”

  “Me, either. Were there any signs? I mean, there had to be a hint.”

  “The only sign—well, I don’t know if I’d call it a sign, but well, you know how he was always waiting for his father to die so he could inherit?”

  “His dad died a few years ago, didn’t he?”

  “Yeah, and he inherited a bundle. I say he, because he kept all the money in his name. He said I wasn’t entitled to his parents’ wealth. We needed a new furnace and he said he wasn’t spending his money on it until it was actually dead. I pointed out to him that every year we keep pouring more and more money into it, to the point that it’s just throwing good money after bad. He said put on a sweater and don’t tax it so hard.”

  “Nice. So, in some way, he was already distancing himself from the marriage?”

  “Exactly. Then he lost a ton of weight. And he began coming home later and later. And taking more frequent business trips that now I suspect were monkey business.”

  “You know, Leslie, I don’t care what consenting adults do in the dark.”

  “Oh, I know that. Neither do I. It seems like half the world is gay or bi or trans something and it’s all fine with me. But I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect my husband to be monogamous.”

  “Do you think Charlie is attracted to men? Or does he just want to do this impersonation thing?”

  “I think Charlie is a little bit of a smorgasbord at the moment. Eventually he’ll settle down and figure it out. He’s not stupid. But he’s definitely not the guy I married. That’s for sure.”

  “Well, I’m glad you came home. So is the queen.”

  “Thanks.”

  “You know people are going to ask. The gossip machine on this island is relentless. What do you want me to say?”

  “Tell them I’m available!”

  We cracked up laughing.

  “No, I mean, what do you want me to say when they ask what happened?”

  “Tell them we disagreed about our future together. That’s vague enough.”

  “Come on. We’ve got to do better than that,” I said.

  “Tell them I couldn’t get along with Charlene. How’s that?”

  “Good grief!”

  We watched as Archie’s car pulled into his driveway and the boys tumbled out. They waved at us and we waved back. I’d tamped my enthusiasm for Archie, but I blew a kiss to the boys.

  “A dentist,” I mumbled.

  “You know, you�
�re taking this lying down like a cheap rug. Where’s your fighting spirit?”

  “What do you mean?” I said and thought, Oh, no, I’m not going to go make myself over and act like I think I’m a seductress.

  “I mean, not that I’m such an expert in the ways of romance, as we know, but it seems to me that the woman picks the man. Not the other way around.”

  “What are you trying to say? I don’t know if that’s true at all,” I said.

  “Look, here’s the deal. You get married and there you are! The blushing bride! But pretty soon you realize that you’re supposed to keep a spotless house, cook fabulous meals, make all the birthdays and holidays gorgeous and unforgettable, have Einstein babies with perfect manners, for heaven’s sake never age or gain an ounce, be super nice to his family, and oh, you’ve got to be a porn star in the bedroom. And you may or may not be required to have a career.”

  “That sure seems like a lot,” I said. “But didn’t Charlie help you around the house? Didn’t he, like, I don’t know, cut the grass and take out the garbage?”

  “Are you kidding me? Prince Charles get his hands dirty? Charlie never lifted a finger! He’d say, call somebody!”

  “How do you like that?”

  “Look, Holly, here’s what I’m telling you. If you think you’d like to do all that for Archie, you need to get in there and steal his heart before it’s too late. I mean, who knows? Maybe this dentist doesn’t have her hooks in that deep.”

  “I’ll think about it,” I said. “It sounds like a lot of work for not a lot of compensation.”

  “It is. That’s why I’m never, and I mean never getting married again. But I know you. We’re as different from each other as we could possibly be. You’re a born homebody slash nurturer, and I’m going back to being a party girl. Big time. You won’t be horrified if I sleep around a bit, will you?”

  What was she saying?

  “If you’re going to misbehave, please do it in Mount Pleasant. Better yet? Take yourself up the road to Columbia. Okay?” I said and thought, Great. “I’m going to go start supper.”

  “One must avail oneself as opportunities arise,” she said with a smirk. “Geography has no conscience.”

  “Sweet Jesus, save us,” I said and went inside to make pot roast. So much for playing hard to get.

  A few days later I was in the yard, pulling weeds, when Archie came home. His boys were at my kitchen table doing their homework. I’d made them a snack called Ants on a Log, which was celery stuffed with creamy peanut butter and raisins dotted across the top. They thought I was the best cook in the world. Of course, I was pretty grimy and a bit sweaty, because when you’re serious about weeds, mulch, and vermiculite plus water, you’re making mud pies all over yourself. Usually, when I saw Archie, I looked like I had just crawled out of the marsh.

  “Hey!” I got up and brushed off my knees when I heard his car door shut. “Tyler and Hunter are in my kitchen. How was your day?”

  “Good. Very good. Your flowers look amazing.”

  “Thanks, I’m working on it. You know, I plant all sorts of things my bees like.”

  “Well, someday you’ll have to tell me all about that,” he said and smiled at me.

  “I’d love to,” I said, and I realized I was staring at him and then repeating myself. “So, it was a good day? That’s good.”

  “Yeah, it was, except for the super pious kid who refused to discuss the John Frum cargo culture. The whole concept of ‘myth dream’ was beyond his grasp.”

  “Hmm,” I said, unsure if I’d ever heard the term, either. “Someday you’ll have to explain more of the finer details of cargo cults to me. I’d love to hear more.”

  “Sure. How’re things at Publix?”

  “My days there utterly vibrate with excitement. The work is scintillating,” I said and smiled at him. “So, Archie? I heard you have a girlfriend. Is that true?”

  “Oh, I don’t know about all that. She’s the sister of a faculty member at the college. We’ve had dinner a few times. She’s nice enough.”

  “Nice enough for what?” I said. That sounded awkward.

  “For a dinner partner?”

  “Uh-huh. My sister, who you might know has returned to the family home indefinitely, wants you to know that if you’re about to fall in love, don’t do it so fast. There might be other contenders.”

  I just kind of blurted it out and then my face turned bloodred. His eyes got very large and I could see immediately that he thought I meant Leslie was interested in him.

  “Leslie?” he said and sort of gulped and stammered nervously. “No, well, you know, I mean I’m . . . I’m really not on the market at the moment. You know, it’s too soon for me.”

  “I’ll tell her that. She’ll understand.”

  How stupid was I? If it wasn’t Leslie, then who would it be? Me, obviously. So, shoot me, I let him think it was Leslie.

  “What happened? Did she and Charlie call it quits?”

  “I think she’s thinking something like that. Yeah. She’s sort of done. Listen, who knows?” I was leaving the door open for Leslie to better explain it to him. I’d already bungled up everything and I was so embarrassed I wanted to dive headlong into the azaleas.

  “That’s too bad. Divorce is so hard. Give her my best, okay?”

  “Sure! I’ll call the boys.”

  “Thanks!”

  “Oh, and I made a beef stew in my InstaPot for y’all! I’ll give it to them to bring home.”

  Leslie gave us an InstaPot last year for Christmas. I finally took it out of the box and now I think I might be in love with a small appliance.

  He immediately took his wallet out of his back packet. “What do I owe you?”

  “Oh, how about a thousand dollars?”

  His expression went dark. He said, “Come on, now. We had a deal about this.”

  “Okay, how’s twenty dollars?” I felt like a mercenary.

  “Here’s forty. You babysat for them all afternoon.”

  “Archie, listen. That’s too much. But I’ll take it, only because I’m saving up for a Maserati.”

  “You are?” A big grin spread across his face. He knew I was kidding. “I’m a Lamborghini fan myself. I always wanted an Italian sports car.”

  “Someday! Maybe someday we’ll both get what we want. So tell me something.”

  “Sure,” he said.

  “What’s she like? This woman you’re seeing? How do we know she’s worthy?”

  “Worthy? Of what? An old widowed professor with two kids and a ten-year-old Jeep?”

  “Please! That’s crazy talk! God, it’s so weird how we see ourselves.”

  “Sharon, that’s her name, is actually coming over tonight to watch the Lakers game with us. Why don’t you come over for a glass of wine? Starts at eight.”

  “Good! I’ll bring popcorn! See ya in a bit!”

  It was already getting dark and I hoped he couldn’t see how nervous I became. I must be losing my mind, I thought. Where did all that brave talk come from? I hurried inside as fast as my legs could carry me, leaned against the door, and took a deep breath. I must be crazy. What if Sharon was fabulous? What if I hated her? Why would my opinion matter anyway? Okay, I told myself, get it together. Then I sort of sauntered into the kitchen to get the boys and the stew as calmly as I could. Leslie was there with them.

  “Hi, guys! Your dad’s home. Gather up your stuff, okay? I’ve got your dinner in the fridge. Are y’all all done with your homework?”

  They nodded like bobblehead dolls.

  “They’ve been at it like demons on a mission!” Leslie said.

  “Want to check it?” Tyler said.

  “If you want me to check it, it must be flawless!” I said. “But let me see anyway.”

  Tyler handed me his math worksheet and his list of spelling words. The math was perfect. The spelling words were too easy. Or at least I thought so.

  “Ask me anything,” he said.

  “Spell
night.”

  “N. I. G. H. T. Same as all the other ‘ight’ words. Light, sight, tight, bright.”

  “Bonus question. What’s the capital of Russia?” I said with a straight face.

  Leslie giggled.

  “Hey! No fair! That’s not in my homework!” he said.

  “Okay. For twenty-five cents? Spell ‘aardvark’!” I said.

  Tyler cut his eyes at Hunter and started to giggle.

  “Did you say fart? Miss Holly! That’s a bad word!” Hunter said.

  “Aardvark? Huh? Is that even a word?” Tyler said.

  “It’s a aminal,” said Hunter, so adorably I didn’t correct him. “It eats ants and termites and lives in Africa.”

  “Oh, yeah?”

  “Yeah, and it’s got a nose like a pig and ears like a rabbit and its tongue is ten inches long!” Hunter said and stuck out his tongue at Tyler to demonstrate.

  Tyler, of course, reciprocated the gesture.

  “All right, you two banditos!” I reached in the refrigerator and took out the container. “Let’s get you home. Make sure you get your bath. The Lakers are playing tonight and Sharon’s coming over.”

  “Sharon?” Leslie said.

  “The dentist,” I said.

  “I don’t like her,” Tyler said.

  “Me, either,” Hunter said.

  “Have y’all met her?” I said.

  “No, but I already don’t like her,” Tyler said.

  “Oh, come on. You can’t dislike someone you haven’t even met, can you?” I said.

  “I don’t like the way Dad sounds when he’s talking to her on the phone. He gets all mushy,” Tyler said.

  “Yeah, and she calls him every five minutes,” Hunter added.

  Really? I thought. That did not bode well for me usurping the position as front-runner.

  “Hmmm,” Leslie said.

  “Well, I’m coming over tonight, too,” I said, “so I’ll give y’all a full assessment tomorrow.”

  “You are?” Leslie said.

  “Yay!” said the boys with more enthusiasm than I would have expected.

  I shrugged my shoulders at her and shooed them out the door.

  “Fix a plate, then nuke it for one minute on high!” I said, calling after them. Then I turned back to Leslie. “They move fast at that age.”