I knew she was trying hard not to say I told you so, and I appreciated she held back. There’d be time for it later, hopefully after the tears dried up.
20
Wrath…
The sound of the suite door shutting must have woken me up. Running my hands through my hair, I realized Sapphire wasn’t in bed. “Blue?”
Nothing, no response, the suite was totally quiet. Getting out of bed I checked the bathroom then the closet, her duffel was gone. What the fuck? I ran into the living room and the new clothes were all still there including what she’d worn last night. It looked like she took off, but why? This made no fuckin’ sense.
Pulling on a pair of jeans and a shirt I grabbed the elevator and ran into the lobby in time to see her step into a cab and pull away from the curb. I ran outside yelling her name but nothing. What the hell had happened? We’d been in bed just a couple of hours ago making love. I knew I should have told her how I felt. Maybe she wouldn’t have left.
“There’s nothing you could have done.”
Hearing Joe’s voice, I turned as he approached. “What do you mean?”
“I sent her away.”
“Why?”
“Because I got the proof we needed—she was the leak. I had to make sure there wouldn’t be any more.”
Feeling like I was kicked in the chest, I couldn’t catch my breath. I wanted to puke. How could she have done it? Fuck I’d known there’d been a chance but fuck me running. I wanted to punch something, someone, do something. I had so much anger inside right now I was afraid I’d hurt someone.
“I’m sorry. I know you were starting to care for her. For what it’s worth, I think she cared about you too.”
“The fucking lying bitch cared about something? I doubt it. She played me, used us all. Good riddance. She’d better hope I never see her again.”
Joe put his hand on my shoulder and I shrugged it off.
“Chris…”
“What?” I growled at him. He had a weird expression on his face, like he was sad. Of course he was, he was a fuckin’ nice guy, and she’d used him too. What a fuckin' ass I am. Pussy whipped…well it wasn’t going to happen again, ever. No fucking way.
“You need to calm down.”
“Calm down? I’m fine. No fuckin' worries here. You don’t have to worry about me.”
Joe nodded. I headed back upstairs and slammed into the suite. Grabbing every bottle of scotch in the mini-bar I took them and my cigarettes and got fucking toasted on the balcony.
Finishing the fourth or maybe it was the fifth bottle of scotch didn’t stop the pain in my fucking chest. Love. Fuck that shit. I should be fucking committed. What the fuck was I thinking getting involved with anyone, let alone her? I knew better. Fuck. All the warning signs were there from the beginning. No one should have been able to get to me so easily. Opening another bottle I chugged it down. The burn as it ran down my throat eased some of the pain but not enough. Would there even be enough alcohol to make it go away?
I’m not sure if I dozed off or what, but I heard banging on the door. Fuck it. “Go away,” I yelled from the balcony, but the pounding continued. Fuck, really? Who the hell has the cast iron balls to fucking bother me now? Fucking cocksuckers. I’m going to kick their asses if they didn’t stop the fucking pounding.
Stumbling to the door, I pulled it open ready to yell at whoever had bothered me but it was Joe and Chaos. Fuck, I couldn’t kick their asses. That wouldn’t be cool. Sighing I turned and walked away from the open door.
Tossing the clothing she’d left behind onto the floor I dropped onto the couch. “What the fuck do you want? Can’t you see I’m trying to get my drunk on?”
Joe just shook his head but Chaos laughed. “Asshole, you’re so drunk you don’t even realize you’re drunk. The hotel manager even got a call about scotch bottles raining down on the pool.
“What? I didn’t fro no fwuckin scotch bottles.”
“Uh huh. Anyway, we need to hit the road. We’re checking out and heading to Chicago. You can finish getting fucking toasted on the bus.”
“I don’t wanna go.”
“You don’t have a choice. This is our fuckin' job, remember? Don’t fuckin’ let some trampy skank ruin your dream.”
I don’t know what I was thinking, fuck, I wasn’t thinking at all, but when I heard him call Blue those names it pushed me over the edge. I pulled back and tried to deck him. I think I came close, or maybe not. Next thing I knew I was on the floor. “Don’t fuckin’ call her that.”
“Whatever. C’mon we’ve got to get him to the bus. I’ll see if Cyn will pack up his shit.”
I vaguely remember them dragging me out to the bus, and dropping me into my cubby. Hours later I woke up in time to toss my stomach contents—at least ten mini-bottles of scotch—into the toilet. I wanted to die, but I’d felt like this before and I knew I’d get better. It was the ache in my heart I wasn’t so sure about.
Chicago was huge, like New York, and looking at it through drunken bloodshot eyes was not much fun. I was thanking God we didn’t have a fuckin’ performance. It was just the travel day. Tomorrow we had the benefit for Breast Cancer Awareness. I hoped to hell I’d be fucking better by then. The last thing anyone needed was me fucking up on stage.
Sweets came to check on me after I got into the new hotel room. At least this time when I opened the door I wasn’t feeling violent, just like fucking death warmed over.
“Hey, want to come out for some Chicago deep dish pizza? They’re famous for it.”
Ugh, just the thought made me want to hurl again. “Nope, I think I’ll pass. Maybe order something from room service. Thanks.”
“Do you want me to hang with you to make sure you’re okay?”
I hugged her. Since the episode with Cyn she’d been a lot less bitchy. Maybe she realized just how lucky we all were and she’d been on the verge of blowing it. “Thanks, you’re a doll, but I’ll be fine. No more drinking for me…no fuckin’ worries. I’m going to sleep it off.”
“Okay, if you say so.” She didn’t look convinced. “Call or text if you need anything.”
“I will. Have fun.”
The room was too quiet, and being alone with my thoughts and memories made me wish I could drink them into fuckin’ oblivion. I had to fucking suck it up. She lied to me, who knows if anything she said was true, including the fucked up mother. I didn’t even know who she really was so how come it was hurting so friggin’ badly?
I ended up ordering some toast and tea. After it arrived I tried watching TV but I didn’t want to hear the bullshit news and I couldn’t find anything else to watch. I’d normally be hanging with Blue, or fucking her. I hadn’t needed to fill empty time in ages. I needed to talk to someone but who? Joe would be the sensible choice but I was pissed at him too. He sent her away and wouldn’t tell us anything about the ‘real’ her. He had to know more than he was saying.
Pulling out my cell I dialed a familiar number, though I hadn’t called it since we started the tour.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Sally, it’s Chris.”
“Chris, oh Jack, Chris is on the phone.”
Shaking my head I almost laughed. They hadn’t been young when they took us in, now they were closer in age to grandparents than parents.
“Hey, Chris. How’s the tour going?”
They were both talking at once and for the first time all day I smiled.
“We just got to Chicago actually. Everyone is out to dinner but I didn’t feel like going.”
“Are you sick, sweetheart?”
“No, Sally, don’t worry, I’m fine.”
“More like hung over—right, Chris?”
“Well maybe a little, Jack.”
I could see them now. Sally would be shaking her finger at Jack trying to get him to ease off me. It was always the same. They were amazing people to have put up with our shit all those years.
“Oh, sweetheart, did something happen?”
&nb
sp; “Well kinda, sorta.”
“Uh sounds like a mother-son talk. I’ll leave you to it. Chris, whatever it is, it’ll be okay. Just remember we love you and we’re always here for you.”
“Thanks, Jack,” I answered but I wasn’t sure he heard me. It sounded like he’d disconnected before I answered.
“Okay, so tell me all about her.”
“How do you know it’s a her?”
“Because girls make men crazy more than just about anything else besides money. So for you to be this drunk you must have it bad.”
I’d forgotten how smart she was. There was no pulling anything over on either of them when we were little. You’d think with seven of us living there it’d been easy, but nope.
“Okay, if you say so.”
“I do.”
“What’s her name?”
“Sapphire, but I called her Blue. She was beautiful. She didn’t think so but I did. Well, except for her bright blue hair, but it’s what got my attention in the beginning. She definitely played me right.”
“What do you mean played?”
“She is, was, a groupie on the tour. I hooked up with her. Usually I don’t see them more than once, but I kept her with me the whole time since Philly.”
“Oh, I see. Were you careful at least? Protection I mean?”
I swear she was the only woman who could make me blush. “Yes, ma’am, well mostly. I might have forgotten once or twice with her.”
“Oh, dear. I hope it doesn’t cause you trouble later on.”
“Well I doubt it, she’s gone now. Joe sent her away and he won’t tell me her real name. Maybe he doesn’t even know. Damn.”
I heard her clear her throat on the other end and I realized I’d cussed. Fuck. That was a hard rule—no cussing in their house. “I’m sorry, Sally.”
“It’s okay this once. I know you’re upset, but you’re lucky Jack wasn’t still on the phone or he’d have given you an earful.”
She wasn’t kidding either. There weren’t a ton of rules growing up with them but you’d better not break any of the ones they did have. We’d all learned the hard way Joe didn’t mess around when it came to punishment. If I never had to peel potatoes again it would be too soon. Their standard punishment was a week doing KP duty at the Daily Bread food kitchen. A great cause but when we were in trouble they’d give us the shittiest jobs.
“Thank you.”
“Okay, so your girl is gone and you’re miserable and you got drunk. But if Joe sent her home she must have done something wrong.”
“I don’t know if he sent her home, just away, and as far as wrong... She leaked some info to the press about us, or leaked it to someone. Just about Cynda and Chaos, their engagement and Preston being Cynda’s dad.”
“Oh yes, that made the paper here. I guess once it got out it went everywhere, what do they call it? Like wildfire.”
“I think you mean viral. And yeah it did, but only because of who we are now. I hope it didn’t cause trouble for you guys.”
“No, of course not. It’s all happy news. I’m looking forward…” She stopped midsentence when she started coughing. She wasn’t doing it when we’d seen her three weeks ago.
“Sally?”
“I’m okay. Don’t worry about me.” She coughed a bit more then I heard Jack giving her something to drink. Just how sick was she? I needed to tell everyone.
“Anyway, as I was trying to say. I’m looking forward to meeting her, and so excited about the wedding.”
“I don’t think they’ve even thought about the wedding yet. We have the rest of the tour to get through.”
“Oh yes, that’s right. Well maybe you’ll be able to take a break and they can get married at some point.”
For a second intense jealousy raced through me like electricity burning along my nerve endings, it wasn’t fair, Chaos worked things out with Cynda, why did I have to lose Blue? I took a breath, I didn’t need to go down that path, there’d only be trouble.
“Maybe, I’ll mention it to them.”
“Wonderful, but now back to your problem.” She coughed a bit more and I wondered if all the talking was making her cough.
“I’m okay, Sally. You sound like you might need some rest.”
“Don’t be silly. You called for a reason. What do you know about her other than she has blue hair?”
“Not too much really. A little about her mother, she never mentioned a father. She joined the tour in Philly so I’m guessing she probably lives near there. She just seemed different than the others. Not trashy but trashy enough to pull off the whole groupie thing. I know that doesn’t make sense.”
“Sure it does. I understand. So she leaked private things about you?”
“Well just about the engagement. Nothing else really.”
“Was that bad?”
“I think we were more worried about what else would get out. That it would be something we didn’t want getting out yet. Like that we changed managers.”
“I see. Well then Joe did the right thing, right?”
“Yes, no, I don’t know.”
She laughed and then coughed. “Oh, sweetheart, you have it bad.”
Fucking tell me something I don’t know. I wanted to hit my head against the wall. “I know.”
“Why don’t you talk to Joe about her and explain how you feel. Maybe he’ll tell you about her, or slip up and say something you can use to track her down.”
“That’s a good idea. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Now, no more drinking, young man, you need to be sober to perform. I saw in the paper you’re doing a benefit for Breast Cancer. That’s a great cause, you probably don’t remember but Jack’s mom died of it just after you and Trent came to live with us.”
“Wow, no I didn’t remember. What was her name?”
“Edith Sherman.”
“Thanks, and thank you Sally. You’re the best. Make sure you take care of that cough.”
“Silly boy. I’m fine. Have fun and you all be safe. Call anytime, it’s great to hear from you.
I was glad I’d called her. I had a plan now and finishing up my toast and tea, I took a shower and went to bed.
21
Sapphire/Teresa…
After spending so much time on the road it was weird being back at Mom’s. I know she meant well and she’d been avoiding the whole subject of the band, but I could see how concerned she was. When we got back from the airport, I went upstairs, unpacked, and took a shower.
Coming downstairs an hour later in my Syracuse sweats I plopped down on the couch. I’d finally stopped crying—at least for a little bit. Mom was watching Dr. Oz on TV and pacing back and forth to the kitchen cooking.
“What are you making?”
“Beef stroganoff, sweetie. I know it’s one of your favorites.”
“Thanks, but I’m not very hungry.”
“Well you don’t have to eat it all today, leftovers are good.”
I nodded. If she made as much as usual we’d probably be eating it for two weeks. She hated to cook so the more she could make at one time the better.
She looked the same as when I left, nothing had changed in the neighborhood, so why did I feel like everything was different? I couldn’t stop thinking about Wrath calling after the taxi. The look on his face—I can only imagine what he must have been thinking. I didn’t doubt Joe would keep his word about not telling them who I am. Besides why would they care?
“Teresa?”
Apparently I hadn’t heard her and she’d been calling my name, because now she came and sat on the couch next to me.
“Baby girl, are you okay?
The tears were back. No I wasn’t okay. My heart was in a million tiny pieces and each one was cutting me up on the inside. “I’ll be fine.”
“Here take a hit off this,” she said offering me her joint.
Rolling my eyes, I’d avoided it until now. I wasn’t going to get high with her. “No way. You know how I feel abou
t that. Besides, I need to get a job now. Most places drug test. I’d fail with it in my system.”
“You’re no fun at all. I’d hoped being on the road with the band would mellow you out a little.”
“They don’t do drugs, hell, they hardly ever drank.”
“Really? What kind of a rock band are they?”
“An amazing one. I’m going to write that story about them and I’m going to see if Rolling Stone really will publish it.”
“Don’t you think it’ll make them mad?”
“Maybe, but not once they read it. It’ll show how amazing they all are, how hard they worked and what great role models they are.”
She took another hit of her joint, blowing the smoke into my face.
“Cut it out, Mom.”
She giggled.
Great, now she was high, I wonder how long it would be before I could go to bed.
“That’s a good idea. You know I might have some connections. I knew a few of those guys on the road.”
“You did? Why didn’t you ever tell me before?”
“Because I just remembered it. Besides, you never want my help with anything. You’re Ms. Independent.”
She had a point. Was part of our problem, me? Had I been shutting her out? Shit was this turning into my day for epiphanies? I was starting to wonder if I’d have been better off never doing anything. I seemed to only bring sadness wherever I went.
“I’m sorry, Mom.”
“Cut it out. I see the look on your face. You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. You love this boy don’t you?”
I nodded, and it was all I could handle. If I said the words out loud it would make them too real, I didn’t think I’d ever say them again.
“Then suck it up, pull up those big girl panties and do what needs to be done. You can win him back if you want it enough.”
“Seriously? This coming from the woman who got pregnant following the Grateful Dead back and forth across the country?”
Vote Then Read: Volume I Page 168