“Yeah, so? Doesn’t mean I don’t know what love is or that I never experienced it myself.”
My jaw dropped. This was the closest my mother had ever come to really opening up about her life pre-me.
“Do you know who my dad is?”
“Kind of. It’s one of two men, and they both know about you. I’m not going to tell you who they are though. That’s the agreement we all made. They do send money, that’s how I could run my little shop and didn’t have to take a job at Walmart or something. It’s why you got those scholarships to Syracuse and I was able to pay for the rest.
“No way.”
“Yes, well some of it was academic, but they helped too.”
“Is everything I know about our lives a lie?”
“Don’t be silly. Now you’re just overreacting because of what happened with you and Chris. Do you think I don’t remember how you cried over him almost every day in high school? Oh God, when he took someone else to the Senior Prom I thought you were going to lose your mind.”
I looked at my hands and realized I was rubbing my necklace again. I guess it was my new nervous habit. I’d forgotten all about Prom, or maybe I’d just blocked it. Who needed to remember stuff like that? That’s what I needed to do now…forget the trip, after I publish the story.
“Shit, Mom, please. I’m trying not to think about him. I definitely don’t want to think about high school.”
“Okay. I understand.”
Sometimes I wondered if she did, I felt older than her more often than not. I loved her but she could make me insane so easily.
The timer buzzed. “Oh good. Dinner’s ready. Let’s go eat.”
It was the last thing I wanted to do but I knew she’d bug me until I did. I felt like I was fifteen again, instead of almost twenty-four. I needed to find a place of my own.
I managed to eat some of the stroganoff, enough to make her feel better. I’m sure the glass of wine helped, but sitting at the table with Mom just reminded me of how far away I was from Wrath. How was he doing? Was he mad at me? Did he hate me? Would I ever be able to explain everything to any of them?
After cleaning up from dinner I watched a little TV with her then went upstairs. I was exhausted, but would I be able to sleep? My room was still decorated like I’d had it in high school. I only came back for short visits all during college, it was just too far. Looking at the posters of Raining Chaos was a mistake. Tears ran down my face, until I couldn’t breathe and got the hiccups. I tore them off the wall, crumbling them into a ball and tossing them into the corner. I had pictures of Wrath all over the room from high school and some of the gigs I’d gone to before I left for college. I’d even caught one of their shows when they were in upstate New York.
I’m so stupid. I knew it was going to end like this. Was I a fuckin’ masochist, did I enjoy torturing myself over him? It sure seemed like it. I got ready for bed and crawled between the covers and tried to empty my mind. Images of Wrath and the rest of the band swam though my brain, then Joe, telling me I had to leave right away. I grabbed one of my teddy bears, clutching it to me and squeezing the life out of it. He was a poor substitute for Wrath’s muscled body. I missed everything about him, his snide remarks, his taste, and scent. When we had sex that last time he was gentle, almost like he really cared. Was he hurting like me?
I heard Mom head up to bed. I was still lying in the dark, crying and clutching my teddy bear, the shards from my broken heart shredding my insides. The sun was starting to come up when I finally gave up any hope of sleep. Instead I turned on my laptop and started to write.
I wrote for hours until Mom knocked on the door with a cup of coffee.
“Thank you. Oh my God, I’ve missed your coffee.”
“I put cinnamon in it, takes the bitterness out.”
I hugged her, not for any reason in particular, but because I loved her and she’d been a good mother. Even when she didn’t like something I wanted to do she always supported me and now when my life was in shambles she brought coffee to my room.
“What’s that for?”
“Because I love you. Thank you for everything.”
“Aww, baby girl. I love you too. Do you want anything to eat?”
“No, I’m good. Let me finish this up and I’ll come downstairs so we can drink our coffee together.”
“Sounds like a good plan.”
I spent another hour or so writing the story, printed it out, and brought it downstairs along with my empty coffee cup. I needed a refill and I wanted to see what Mom thought about the article.
22
Wrath…
We’d gotten together for lunch in an Italian restaurant Joe recommended. It was nice and quiet. They gave us a back room. Joe brought us up to speed about the guy who had been using Sapphire to get information. It looked like it was definitely Rod Dixon, but until Joe had proof we couldn’t do anything about it. He had some friends of his looking in to it. With a last name like Martini none of us wanted to ask what kind of friends they were.
I told everyone I’d spoken to Jack and Sally. I passed on Sally’s hope we would be able to stop by soon to see them, and how she was excited about the wedding. Then I shared my concern about her coughing. We needed to get a hold of Jack when she wasn’t around to find out what was really going on.
“How about we take a break and you surprise them at Christmas?”
“Can we do that?” Chaos asked. I was surprised too. I thought our schedule was pretty much engraved in stone.
“Well, we have a month built in for recording time and since you’ve been doing some of the songs already it shouldn’t take us too much time to lay down five tracks. I think we can pull a week out to get you guys home.”
I didn’t think it was possible to get excited about going back to New Jersey but it was home for us and apparently spending so much time in different cities made us all at least a little homesick. I hadn’t seen everyone so happy since we’d left Philly. Too bad Sally and Jack wouldn’t meet Sapphire. Shaking my head I needed to stop thinking about her.
I couldn’t fucking sleep last night without her in bed. I missed how she felt wrapped around me, no matter where I moved in the bed she was right there plastered to my side.
I was hoping I’d be able to take a freakin’ nap this afternoon but the benefit was tonight. We had lots of extra interviews with the news crews covering the concert. It was a sold out show, the concerts in Chicago were at the United Center and Joe said over twenty-three thousand tickets had sold. I couldn’t even wrap my fuckin’ brain around the number of people who’d been to our shows since our performance at the Garden. Definitely more in the last three weeks than we could have ever imagined. Fucking unreal is what it was. Of course there was really only one person I cared about being there tonight and I could fucking guarantee she’d be a no show.
The United Center was fucking crazy. Cars, limos, buses, and wall to wall people every fucking where. Terrance and Joe had decided to hire extra security for the show. Terrance was concerned he wouldn’t be able to handle everyone by himself and looking around now I’d say it was a good call.
Devastating Reality was on stage and their set was being piped into the suite. They really were pretty good. Except for fucking Paddy. When we’d come in to do our sound check earlier he’d started up about Blue. Figured I was hiding her away from him. Fucking cocksucker. If Joe hadn’t stopped me I’d have decked him. I was on edge. I knew it and so did everyone else. It seemed like everyone except Chaos had stayed far away from me. We’d been through too much together for him to stay away. I still needed to see if I could pry more information from Joe. It wasn’t fuckin’ right to keep it from us. I wasn’t going to hurt her. But I did think we had the right to confront her and get all the details.
The first Devastating Reality set was finishing up when there was a knock at the door. Joe checked and it was one of the local news teams. They were here for interviews, we weren’t happy about that, it was our Zen time
as we called it. Pre-concert meditation.
It wasn’t bad enough we had to deal with the news crews but they let in the groupies too. I looked at Joe and he shrugged, sometimes we didn’t have as much control as we wanted. Chaos was pissed, I could hear him yelling at people to get out but no one was moving.
Rage and Fury had been sitting on the couch watching TV, now they each had a woman in their lap and the news crew set up in front of them. Oh fuck. I had a bad feeling about this.
I tried to get to Joe but he was breaking up a catfight. Apparently two of the girls were fighting over Flame and he didn’t want them anywhere near him. He’d been pretty quiet about shit since Michelle came into his life.
The crew came over to me, and so did this orange-haired skank. Way too much make-up and not enough clothing—I didn’t want her fucking anywhere near me. Before I could do anything about it, she cuddled up to me. I was about to push her away when the bright light from the news camera covered us. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
“Hi, Wrath. How’re you doing tonight?”
“Great thanks.”
“What prompted you all to do a benefit concert? You’re a relatively new band aren’t you?”
“We’ve been playing since we were in high school but yes, this is our first big tour.”
“Weren’t you worried you wouldn’t be able to sell enough tickets?”
“No not at all. Our fans are very loyal and amazing. We had no doubts.”
“We’ve heard you have a special girl now too. What’s your name? How do you like touring with the band?”
I tried to cut her off, but the orange-haired bitch opened her mouth. I fucking cringed inside. What disastrous shit was going to come out of her mouth?
“I’m Penny, you know like a lucky penny.” She giggled and I wanted to gag. “I just love Wrath. He’s freakin’ amazing.”
I wanted to wring her fucking neck right there. It took everything I had not to fuckin’ kill her and the news bitch. Thank God they were done with me now. Zen time? Oh yeah, right? Not even fucking close.
As soon as the crew moved away I pushed Penny off of me. “Don’t ever fucking do that again.”
“What? Heard you like groupies, and the blue girl isn’t around anymore.”
“Oh yeah? You heard that? Who told you that shit?”
“I dunno, some guy. He paid us a hundred bucks each to come over here tonight and make sure we got on camera.”
“C’mere,” I said as I dragged her across the room to Joe. He needed to hear this shit. “Hey, Joe. Uh, Penny here and all the other girls were paid to show up here tonight and get on camera.”
“What? How did you find that out?”
I pushed her closer to him. “She told just told me. Go on Penny tell him what you told me.”
She explained to Joe and he asked her to describe the guy. Sure enough it sounded like Rod Dixon, our fuckin’ dickhead ex-manager. Didn’t he know when to leave shit alone? He had no idea the hurting Joe was going to fucking put on him. At least we had proof now, of this part anyway. Maybe even enough to have him charged with something. Fucking yeah.
We did the same show as usual except for the last song we brought Cyn and Joe out and a shit ton of pink balloons were released over the audience. It was fuckin' intense, the perfect end to our first benefit concert. We’d been talking about it and decided we should do at least one benefit concert each tour, maybe more. We were making plenty of money, especially with Joe managing us now. We could afford to share our wealth with those in need.
Sapphire/Teresa
Today was a little better, probably because I was writing. The tears still ran down my face but at least focusing on the article was a distraction. I was happy with the way the article was turning out. It still had some holes and I’d decided to visit Jack and Sally to see if they’d be willing to talk to me. I had to do it soon, but I couldn’t quite yet, it was all still too raw. I needed to be able to hold it together in front of them and not turn into this blubbering mess.
I’d just sat down on the couch to watch the eleven o’clock news with Mom when the reporter tossed it to a crew in Chicago. For a second I didn’t know if I could watch it, the teaser had been about the Raining Chaos Benefit Concert. Tension filled my body and my heart ached. Would I see him?
“Are you okay, sweetie? Do you want me to change the channel?”
“No, I don’t think so. I need to watch this.” It was like a train wreck. I didn’t want to look but I couldn’t turn my eyes away. I knew it’d be bad, but I wasn’t prepared at all for what appeared on screen. A quick interview with Rage and Fury, then Chaos and just when I thought I’d be okay, they swung to Wrath who had this orange-haired skank all over him. What? Oh my God. How could he? I’ve only been gone one day. It sure as hell didn’t take him long.
I couldn’t breathe. The pain in my chest was overwhelming, like I was being kicked over and over again. I tried to take small breaths but I couldn’t, my throat was closing and I was on a runaway train I couldn’t stop.
I must have scared Mom. I didn’t even realize she’d moved, until her hands were massaging my neck and shoulders. She was telling me to calm down over and over again, that it would be okay. I wanted to cry but even that didn’t happen. It was like I’d been sucked into some kind of vortex surrounding me with pain.
“I’m going to call an ambulance.”
“No,” I rasped out, the only sound I could manage. Shaking my head I prayed she wouldn’t. “Suck it up” I thought, “you’re writing the story, it’ll help fix things.” It became my mantra, and I would use it a lot over the next few weeks.
After what seemed like hours but was probably closer to thirty minutes, the pain eased and I could breathe again. Mom helped me up to bed and sat with me. Not sleeping the night before had caught up with me and I was exhausted. The last thing I remember was her rubbing my hand and telling me everything would work out.
23
Sapphire/Teresa
I double and triple checked my research, scoured the internet for any obscure facts and tried to find the social workers who had helped place the band members with Jack and Sally. I’d been hoping since they were over eighteen they’d talk to me, but nope it was against the law or something, so I gave up on that angle, although maybe if my hair hadn’t still been blue it might have helped me seem like a more serious journalist.
It was pretty much down to interviewing Jack and Sally Sherman. I didn’t know what kind of reception I’d get but I made sure my blue hair was gone and I was as close to my original light brown hair color as possible. It took quite bit of work to strip out the blue and then try to find a match to my own hair color. I needed to remember what a pain in the ass it is the next time I got a crazy idea.
Three days after I’d gotten home the car showed up on the back of a trailer. I can’t believe they trucked it back to us, but since it was our only car I was grateful to Joe for doing what he’d said. I wanted to call and see how they were doing, but he’d been pretty adamant to only call if I’d had any contact from Roy, and I hadn’t.
As for visiting the Sherman’s, I couldn’t decide I should call first or just show up. There was a chance they’d say no. Hopefully, they wouldn’t be able to turn me down if I was right in front of them. Mom agreed, but warned me not to expect too much. Wrath had most likely told them what happened and they’d slam the door in my face.
I remembered what a sweet lady Sally always was and I was counting on it to get me in the door. I wanted to explain my side of the story and how I was determined to make it up to them with this article. I’d been stalling but I needed to go, it was mid-morning and I thought it might be a good time. My palms were sweaty and since I was still crying myself to sleep every night my eyes were red-rimmed. I looked like a wreck, hell, I was a wreck. Would it help or hurt my case with them?
After my third cup of coffee I decided I’d delayed enough. Yeah I was scared, or at least worried they’d slam the door in my face, but it was
time to face the music, I needed their help to finish the story, or I might as well forget the whole thing. I was packing up my tablet and two print copies of the article I’d written when Mom came running out of the kitchen with a little bag.
“What the heck is that?”
“It’s tea for Sally.”
“Tea?”
“Yes.”
“It doesn’t have any weed in it, does it?”
“Don’t be ridiculous. She’s ill and this might help her. It’s all flowers and herbs.”
“She’s sick?”
“Yes, she is.”
“How do you know? Why didn’t you tell me before? Maybe I shouldn’t go over there and bother them.”
“Of course you should. I hear things—you know—around and I think this will help her.”
I realized I was rubbing the necklace again. Nerves damn it. When had I turned into such a whack job? I knew exactly when. It was the minute I decided to ignore my morals for a job and a chance to get closer to Wrath. No wonder it’s been a clusterfuck.
I knew exactly where the Shermans lived. I’d been there enough times or should I say drove by there often enough when I was in high school hoping for a chance to see Wrath. I am sure Sally caught me a few times too but she never said anything to Mom or me, thank God. I would have been mortified, but even the chance of being caught hadn’t stopped me from driving by almost daily until I went away to college. These days I’d probably be considered a stalker and arrested. Crazy times.
I parked in the driveway and grabbed my bag. Rubbing my damp hands on my slacks I knocked on the door. Sally opened it a moment later.
“Hello. May I help you?”
“Hi, Mrs. Sherman. I’m Teresa Duncan, I’m not sure if you remember me but I went to school with most of your kids.”
“Oh yes, sweetie, how are you?”
“Fine, thank you.” I could tell from the look on her face she didn’t have any clue who I was or why I was there.
Vote Then Read: Volume I Page 169