One Small Step

by MA Binfield

  “Why’d you break up?”

  “If I sound like a poet, you sound like a journalist. So many questions.”

  Cam started to apologize, looking a little guilty. Iris held up a hand. “It’s okay.” She took a breath.

  “What can I say? We grew apart, didn’t talk about what was wrong. She…there was someone else. Mutually assured destruction. It was hard.”

  “And now?” Cam looked at Iris kindly.

  “I’ve been focusing on work mostly.” She indicated the phrase ironically with speech marks in the air. “And avoiding the efforts of well-meaning friends to set me up with someone.” Iris managed a smile. “I trust myself with myself, that’s probably just about it.”

  “And Jess?”

  “Someone I hurt at that time. I think…” Iris tried to find words that didn’t sound arrogant. “She had feelings for me. But I was never interested. After Amanda, all I was capable of was hooking up and never staying around afterward. We had a very brief thing. A couple of nights really. I ended it, as gently, as soon, as I could. She took it badly.” Iris put her palms up as if to apologize.

  “She still has feelings for you. It’s obvious really. It’s partly why she’s so hostile all the time. It can’t be easy for her working and socializing with you. I think if I had someone I was in love with who I couldn’t have, I’d need to take myself far away from them, you know?”

  Iris nodded. She was surprised both by how much Cam had noticed and her willingness to be so up-front about it.

  As if reading Iris’s thoughts, Cam spoke up. “I like talking to you. It’s been a while since I felt this comfortable with anyone, even Ryan.”

  The mention of Ryan’s name had a sobering effect on Iris. He was, she reminded herself, Cam’s fiancé, the one Cam would go back to tonight and maybe even relay parts of this conversation to. He was the one she was really intimate with despite their growing friendship.

  “Can I ask you something?” Iris asked. “If you love reading and writing and you were a journalism major, how come you’re working in finance now? How come you’ve stopped with the words and chosen the numbers?”

  It was a harmless question, an obvious one maybe, but this was the question Cam always dreaded. The one she got at job interviews as people looked through her résumé, the one that friends she hadn’t seen in a while asked her innocently. She left journalism behind when she left college, because it reminded her of her cowardice, because she didn’t know how to get back to the person she was. But how do you explain that to people you barely know?

  Cam concentrated on steadying her breathing, on figuring out a neutral way to explain.

  “I just lost my way with it. Lost my writing mojo or whatever you call it. You know what that’s like I guess. I left Chicago after college.” The lie slipped out easily. “I went back home to Seattle and got sucked into other stuff, then I met Ryan. My mom said…” Cam didn’t want to finish the sentence. “I just figured that finance is a better, more solid career choice.” She knew how lame it sounded. Especially to Iris, someone who loved words, books, poems just as much as Cam. She tried another angle.

  “Making a career out of writing is hard. My sister is trying…and struggling. I guess I agree with Mom that we don’t need two failing writers in the family.”

  Iris nodded. “It is hard to make a career of. I guess that’s why we all have boring day jobs. I mean look at mine, as boring as they come. Maybe you could do it as a hobby though?”

  “I could, if I had the energy and some encouragement.” Cam sighed, knowing she sounded as frustrated as she felt. “I miss it sometimes, but mostly I don’t even think about it.”

  “A bit like me and relationships.” Iris lifted her beer as she spoke. Cam thought she looked a little sad. She hadn’t meant for things to get so serious, but something about Iris made her want to reveal herself.

  Cam reached across the table and stole a swig of beer from Iris’s bottle.

  “Maybe we can go to the next poetry night like we said we would and I’ll nag you about performing, and in return you can nag me about not writing. Sound fair?”

  “That’s a deal. I tell you what though, if I lose any fingers to frostbite out here then writing poetry is going to get very difficult. Maybe we should go inside now that you’ve stolen my gloves. We can eat packets of pork scratchings in front of the fire to warm up before I drive you home and you show your impressive bruises to that man of yours.”

  “Pork scratchings? I don’t even wanna ask. Is that another British culinary triumph I’m gonna regret ever allowing past my lips?”

  “Too bloody right.”

  Iris supported Cam as she walked, still hobbling, toward the pub door.

  “I’m keeping the gloves on for now though,” Cam said as she leaned on Iris. “So you’ll have to open the bag for me.”

  Chapter Seven

  Iris knocked on Hazel and Casey’s front door, pausing to admire the winter plants that were thriving in a row of colorful pots dotted along the space under the wide bay window. Casey swung the door wide open and pulled Iris into a big warm hug.

  “I’m in the middle of cooking. Go and help Hazel decide if she wants a party for her thirtieth or if she’s just gonna hide.” Casey pushed Iris in the direction of the living room.

  “Hey.” Iris dropped onto the couch next to Hazel. “Casey said you’re having trauma about entering your fourth decade. Sorry but…well…I’m just too damn young to understand, y’know?”

  “You’re not that far behind me, babe.” Hazel stuck her two fingers up at Iris. “Though your enforced celibacy makes you seem like an even older old maid than that.”

  Iris tapped her watch, her wry expression letting Hazel know that she had beaten her own record for the shortest time taken to bring up Iris’s lack of a love life.

  “Actually, seeing Amanda the other day was a pretty good reminder of why I’m still single. Wasn’t really expecting it.” Iris paused. “Did you know she was playing again?”

  They never really talked about Amanda and the friendship that Hazel and Casey had maintained with her.

  “She said she was thinking about it. She…well…she said she was a bit in need of stuff to do now that she’s single again.” Hazel spoke uncertainly. “Though I feel bad chatting her business with you.”

  “She broke up with Gina?” Iris couldn’t keep the surprise out of her voice.

  Hazel shook her head. “Gina? No, not Gina. This was someone else, the one after Gina. Happened last month. We saw her last week. She wasn’t the one who ended it so she’s pretty cut up about it all obviously.”

  Iris didn’t know what to say. She had deliberately never asked Hazel about Amanda, but she’d just assumed that she and Gina were still together. In the weeks after she and Amanda broke up, it was Gina that she blamed, Gina that she hated. It was ridiculous given that it was Amanda’s choice to cheat on her with Gina, but she wasn’t exactly feeling rational at the time. The idea that Amanda and Gina hadn’t made it was a real surprise.

  “When?” It was all Iris could manage.

  “What?”

  “Amanda and Gina. When did they break up?”

  “I don’t remember exactly. They barely lasted a month or so after you guys split. I was surprised. They seemed well suited.” Hazel quickly added a sheepish, “Sorry, mate. Bit tactless.”

  “Do you know what happened?”

  “She told us some of it at the time…but…y’know…it’s kind of private stuff really.” Hazel looked a bit uncomfortable.

  Iris felt stupid. Of course it was. She had no right to ask and not really any right to know. “Yeah ’course. Sorry. Just reacting, not thinking. I always thought they were pretty right for each other too if I’m honest. I think it made Amanda choosing her easier to take somehow. They seemed like they had so much more in common. I’m glad you’re being discreet anyway. Surprised but glad. I wouldn’t want you gossiping about me over dinner with Amanda either.”

&nb
sp; “Mate, me and Casey would have to make up stuff about you, your love life is so boring. If only there was something there to gossip about. …”

  “Not that again.” Iris playfully threw a cushion at Hazel, who caught it adeptly without spilling a drop of her drink.

  “You forget I used to play in goal myself.” Hazel threw it back at Iris.

  “I hadn’t forgotten. I think that was the season we nearly got relegated.”

  “We nearly got relegated because you were too busy writing love poems for that center forward you had a crush on to concentrate on playing properly.”

  “God, that was so long ago. Maybe we are old.” Iris shook her head. “And those poems were awful as well.”

  Casey joined them in the living room. “Half an hour and we can eat. What did I miss?”

  “Poetry,” Iris answered first. “Hazel was saying how much she’d love to come with me to a reading one time.”

  “Yeah right.” Hazel stuck her tongue out. “Maybe when hell freezes over…twice.”

  “Actually, I’ve found someone to go to poetry readings with.” She said it very matter-of-factly.

  “You’re dating?” Hazel sat forward. “More than that, you’re dating a woman who actually loves poetry? Well, you kept that quiet.”

  Iris felt stupid. She hadn’t meant it to sound like that.

  “No, I mean, not like that anyway. It’s just Cam. She really likes poetry. When I went to that reading in Hampstead a few weeks ago, she was there and we got talking. Her sister’s a poet, and turns out she’s really into it as well. I didn’t know.”

  Hazel and Casey exchanged glances.

  “Told you,” Hazel said to Casey.

  “What? What are you on about?” Iris asked. Casey looked at Hazel and shook her head.

  “Hazel thinks you have a little crush on Cameron. But I defended you and told her that, at twenty-nine, you’re far too old and experienced to crush on a soon-to-be-married woman,” Casey said.

  “And I told her that Cam is very attractive and very friendly, and you’ve had your libido on ice for so long that anything’s possible…and that was before I knew the two of you had been doing poems together.” Hazel waggled her eyebrows, aiming for a tone that was teasing, but Iris was already annoyed that they had been talking about her and Cam in that way. Joking or not.

  “C’mon, Hazel, I’m single but not desperate enough to go after women that aren’t even available. Cam was there with Ryan—her fiancé—and we just agreed that it’d be nice to go again together. In a friendly way. You know, in that way that women who get on well can be friends?”

  “Okay, okay, sorry, mate. Just teasing.”

  “Yeah, and gossiping about how pathetic I am.”

  “No, no, not at all.” Hazel held her hands up in an apologetic gesture. “I am sorry. Honestly, it was just that you guys looked a bit cozy down the pub, and, well, Jess was saying that she’d seen you having lunch together a couple of times at the office. Shouldn’t jump to conclusions I know, but I just don’t want you making a fool of yourself.”

  Iris scowled. “Well, you definitely shouldn’t be listening to Jess. You know what she’s like, always making things seem more dramatic than they are.” She sighed. “And I’m only going to make a fool of myself if Cam decides that I’m just too boring to make a friend of.”

  Casey put her hand on Iris’s arm. “It was worse for me, Iris. I had to hear my own beloved tell me just how damn irresistible Cam was and how she didn’t blame you at all for being interested in her.” There was a glint in her eye. “I even had to come down to the pub to see for myself.”

  “And?”

  “Well, I definitely have a crush on her now even if you don’t. She’s gorgeous, her eyes are irresistible, and her accent is so sexy.”

  They all laughed, the tension gone. Iris couldn’t deny that Cam was beautiful, but much more importantly, she was smart and open and interesting, and Iris wasn’t going to allow Hazel’s suspicions about her feelings make her feel bad about trying to make a new friend. Maybe she hadn’t felt this interested in spending time with someone in a while, but so what? Fate brought Cam to Cottoms, and Iris wasn’t going to pass up the opportunity to hang out with someone who loved poetry as much as she did.

  Chapter Eight

  Jess had announced Amanda’s return to the Cottoms team over lunch on Friday, and Cam still couldn’t quite believe it. She spent all of Friday afternoon and evening worrying about it and the concern was still there when she woke on Saturday morning. Iris hadn’t been in to work on Friday so Cam hadn’t had a chance to talk to her about it, even assuming she’d have felt comfortable doing so, and she couldn’t stop wondering how Iris was coping with the news.

  According to Jess, Maxine had decided to stop playing, and Megan, knowing good keepers were hard to find, had asked Amanda to come back and play for Cottoms. Amanda had agreed, and her first match was going to be tomorrow—no training, no easing in, just straight into the team. It was pragmatic and sensible of Megan in the circumstances but really tough on Iris. Cam assumed that since Amanda had readily agreed to switch teams, she didn’t think seeing Iris regularly would be difficult. Amanda’s obliviousness to Iris’s feelings made Cam not like her at all.

  Cam wondered if it had been Jess or Megan who had told Iris about Amanda coming back. She hoped it had been Megan. She didn’t trust Jess to have been sensitive about it.

  Cam worried it would be too difficult for Iris to play with Amanda given their history and she’d decide to change teams. It would be a real blow for Iris, but all Cam could think of was how it would also mean she’d see much less of her. The strength of her worry surprised her. The time they were spending together was cementing a growing feeling that Iris could become—was becoming—someone special to her. Someone she really liked. But she just didn’t have the confidence in their friendship yet to reach out and see how Iris was doing with the news without it seeming intrusive. Cam didn’t really know if Iris would even welcome her making contact without having arranged to. She sighed and made herself forget about contacting Iris and think about how she was going to spend her Saturday.

  “What about the South Bank?” Cam was sitting on the edge of the bed, leafing through her guidebook. “There’s a riverside walk with lots of stopping points.” She raised her voice so Ryan could hear her from the bathroom.

  Cam circled the mention of secondhand book stalls on the Embankment near Waterloo Bridge and Shakespeare’s Globe Theatre museum, which sounded fascinating. She also circled the recommendation of a pub near the Globe that she thought Ryan might need after the museum.

  “There’s a fifteenth century pub halfway along the walk that the book says used to have bear baiting in the beer garden. How crazy is that?” The idea of it made her smile. London was so damn old.

  Ryan appeared in the doorway. “I’m playing squash. I told you last night.”

  “I know. I was thinking of after.”

  “I dunno, babe. How about we stay home and chill? Watch a movie or something. I’ve had a big week and I’m really tired, and I won’t feel any less tired after my games.” Ryan was looking in the dresser for something to wear.

  “Are you kidding? Stay home all weekend? The weather’s good. It’s a great day for a walk. Come on, Ryan, we haven’t been into town for weeks.” Cam couldn’t keep the complaining tone out of her voice.

  “Yeah, and there’s a reason for that. I’m crazy busy at work. It’s not a nine to five job like yours. And anyway, London is so crowded on the weekend. I hate the crowds, and the traffic, and the tourists are so fucking rude.” He sat next to her on the bed as he pulled on a pair of socks. “It would be nice just to hang out here and spend the rest of the day with you and a huge pizza.” He leaned across and kissed Cam’s cheek.

  “I don’t wanna do that.” Cam kept her tone even. She didn’t want them to argue again. “I want to see the city that we’ve chosen to live in. And I don’t want to spend the weekend han
ging out in this house.” She swallowed her frustration. “I’m going to go by myself if you don’t feel up to coming out.”

  “Don’t do the emotional blackmail thing, Cam.” Ryan sounded annoyed. “I can’t help it if I don’t like London as much as you.”

  “I’m not. I just think the South Bank sounds cool, and I’m going to do that walk whether or not you come. I don’t need an escort. Go play squash and I’ll see you later. Maybe we can have that pizza.” She stood and kissed the top of his head before moving toward the door. She was upset with him but determined not to let it show.

  The saddest thing wasn’t her Saturday plans being ruined, but that Cam felt them drifting apart with every passing month and she just didn’t know what to do about it. She had no idea how she was going to spend the day, not sure she’d feel like going to the South Bank on her own, but sure as hell, she wasn’t going to waste it by sitting at home waiting for Ryan to decide how they spent the day.

  Cam decided to walk down into the village and treat herself to cake and browse around the bookstore while she figured out what to do with the rest of the day. She knew Iris would tell her to not be silly and to go on her own to the South Bank, and she might, she was a grown ass woman after all, but she wanted some time to think about it first. And the bookstore had cake. Cake always helped her think.

  The overcast morning had given way to a bright and sunny day, and it was just about warm enough for her to leave her jacket unbuttoned on the walk down the hill. A small miracle that improved her mood. Seattle was a rainy city and everyone had said the same was true of London, but her experience already told her that it rained less but was much, much colder. She wrapped the bright scarf she was wearing a little tighter around her neck and enjoyed the feel of the sun on her skin.