One Small Step

by MA Binfield

  Iris felt something like relief. She didn’t want to face Cam, but she especially didn’t want to face Cam with Ryan in tow, with him thinking he had put Iris in her place, with him seeing Cam and Iris being so weird around each other. She didn’t like him but he didn’t deserve to be in the middle of this mess. Iris knew that better than anyone.

  “Now, there’s work to be done, you two, stop slacking.” Casey looked at the floor and frowned. “And one of you needs to vacuum in here before the guests start arriving. It’s a mess.”

  Iris put up a hand to volunteer. The place looked immaculate, but she would happily run a vacuum around and take the time to think about just how she was going to manage things with Cam. They worked together, they played together—if she got through tonight, she knew there’d just be another one and another one to get through, but what could she do?

  When she goes back to America, it’ll be a lot easier. Iris bent over as if winded at the thought. The idea of never seeing Cam again hurt more than the pain she felt at having let her feelings fuck up their friendship.

  Casey came into the room with the vacuum as Iris righted herself. Casey put it down next to them, pulling Iris into a hug. Iris buried her head in Casey’s shoulder.

  “Hey, don’t tell Hazel I said this, but I’m not sure that Cam’s call was to tell you she made a mistake. I’ve seen the way she is around you, Iris, and I mean sober as well as drunk, and, well, I dunno, but I don’t think she’s without feelings for you, honey.”

  Iris groaned. It was all too much.

  “I’m sorry—shouldn’t have said it. I know it doesn’t really help you any. I just hate to see you feeling so foolish. There might be more to it, more to her, than you think is all.”

  It was all Iris could do not to turn around and leave. She couldn’t bear the idea of letting herself feel hope. She had no right.

  “Do you really think so?”

  Casey nodded and Iris tried to make herself believe it, but the twin memories of Cam sitting with Ryan after the dance and then talking about making a fool of herself to Jess just seemed too fresh.

  She bent down to pick up the cord for the vacuum.

  “Hazel’s warning me off and you’re urging me on. You guys are quite the double act. Ever thought of comedy?” She made herself smile.

  “We did, but neither of us wanted to be the straight man.” Casey took a bow and retreated back into the kitchen.

  Iris plugged in the vacuum. None of it mattered. Cam was in a relationship, and Iris had plenty of her own reasons for not getting in the middle of that. She switched on the vacuum, happy to lose herself in a menial task for a while.

  * * *

  Iris finished her third beer in double quick time. She went outside to claim a can of Diet Coke from the ice-filled barrel in which they were floating, knowing that she couldn’t drink any more if she was going to drive home. And knowing that, regardless of whether she was driving or not, the one thing she couldn’t afford tonight was to not be sober.

  The chairs in the garden weren’t quite as full as those in the lounge, but there were still plenty of hardy souls outside, cradling wine glasses and balancing plates of food on their knees, willing to brave the falling temperatures now that the sun had set.

  Iris saw Hazel waving at her, her body language suggesting that she wanted to dance. Iris shook her head. She pointed inside the house and mouthed the word “Beth” in Hazel’s direction, earning an enthusiastic thumbs-up as Hazel waved her back inside.

  Iris was lying of course. Beth was currently in a corner of the living room, chatting to Amanda and had been for most of the past hour. The two of them looked like they were getting on famously. Iris had introduced herself to Beth when she arrived and they had chatted briefly, but she was in the wrong mood to get to know someone new. She had excused herself after a few minutes, hopefully without being too rude, and then hidden upstairs for a bit, expecting that Beth would have started to talk to someone else by the time she reappeared. And she had—Amanda. If it worked out for them, Amanda could thank her later.

  Iris kept telling herself she was here to see her friends, to mingle and to forget about Cam, but neither her body nor her mind was listening, and she knew from the way she remained acutely aware of who was coming and going that really all she was doing was waiting for her.

  When Cam finally arrived, she was on the other side of the living room, chatting to Oliver. Cam was alone, and Casey greeted her warmly, taking the wine and the square cake box Cam held out before shepherding her into the kitchen.

  She looked stunning in a dark purple dress. Her hair was loose, her makeup light. Cam reappeared from the kitchen and scanned the room. When their gazes connected, Cam lifted a hand and gave her a hesitant wave. Iris nodded and raised her hand in a matching gesture. Her insides were in knots. She turned back to Oliver, realizing that he had been staring too. Of course he had, Cam looked incredible.

  As Cam crossed to the drinks table and poured herself a wine, Iris tried to stop her eyes from following but found that it was impossible, as impossible as the first time she’d seen Cam in the changing room, all those months ago.

  “It’ll annoy the hell out of Liam if you guys win the league. I really hope you do.”

  She brought her attention back to the conversation. “Yeah, me too. Everyone has trained so hard, played so well. Megan deserves it more than most for everything she puts into the team.”

  “And Cam of course,” Oliver said, “I mean, she’s been the best player by miles this season. No offense meant.”

  “None taken. Cam’s been great all season.” Iris could see Jess headed over toward them. She couldn’t face Jess, not tonight. She said a quick good-bye to Oliver and turned away, almost bumping into Amanda.

  “Hey, how are you? I keep trying to catch up with you but you keep disappearing. Anyone would think you didn’t like parties.” Amanda’s voice contained a hint of a tease.

  “I’ve been around. You’ve been keeping yourself busy with Beth.”

  “I know. She’s really nice. Said she didn’t really know anyone so seemed happy for the company.” Amanda blushed.

  “Don’t be so modest. I’m sure she’s more than happy to spend time with you whether or not she knows anyone.”

  “She said she was here to meet someone actually—sort of a blind date—but they didn’t seem very interested. Maybe their loss is my gain.”

  Iris couldn’t hide the guilt she felt. Amanda knew her well and caught it immediately.

  “You?” She laughed. “No way. Oh, that’s just brilliant.” She touched Iris on the arm. “Hey, should I be backing off?”

  “God, no. I mean she seems lovely, it’s just that…”

  It’s just that I think I’ve fallen in love with our star midfielder? It scored well for accuracy but low on sensible. It’s just that every time I let someone get close to me, people get hurt. Also pretty accurate but scoring a little high on the self-pity scale. She shook her head, shook the thoughts away.

  “It’s just that I’m not looking for someone right now.” She couldn’t help how sad she sounded.

  “I know what you mean. I know it looks like I’m stealing your blind date.” She smiled. “But being single seems so wonderfully uncomplicated sometimes.” Amanda sipped her wine.

  Iris was very single and it didn’t feel uncomplicated at all, but she couldn’t say that to Amanda. She just nodded.

  * * *

  “There has to be so much more than sexual chemistry, surely?” Cam was chatting with Vicki about whether she was going to try for the reunion that Harry was pushing for, but she was also talking to herself about Iris, and about Ryan. “I mean, you have to get on, have things in common, make each other feel good.”

  “Yeah, totally. It’s a mystery to me that she’s so self-centered in life but so amazing in bed. Usually when someone is a dick and isn’t interested in you, it shows up in the bedroom, but she’s the opposite. It’s really confusing.” Vicki had ju
st admitted that, although they had ended their relationship, she and Harry were still hooking up and having “incredible sex.” Vicki’s facial expression as she said it, already convincing Cam not to ask any supplementary questions.

  Cam had found herself complaining about Ryan to Vicki. She’d said he was self-centered and not really interested in her or her life, that she wasn’t even getting the sexual benefits that Vicki was. She felt guilty for being so harsh. He wasn’t that bad. And she hadn’t been honest enough to tell Vicki that she wasn’t even sure she wanted him that way anymore. That was part of the problem. And now, knowing that she wanted Iris, had probably wanted Iris for longer than she had let herself admit, she knew she was in trouble. She tuned back in to Vicki who was still looking for advice about what to do.

  She wondered what her answer would be if someone asked her if she and Ryan should stay together. Months ago, even weeks ago, she’d have answered in the positive without even thinking about it, but now she wasn’t so sure. She blamed him for being so disinterested, but he had offered to come with her tonight, had seemed like he actually wanted to spend the evening with her for once, and she had lied and said that partners weren’t invited. Their lack of connection, the drifting apart, she just couldn’t pretend it was all his fault.

  Iris had avoided her all week and they needed to talk. Cam knew it was all on her. The dance, the voice mail, the way she’d handled herself in the office afterward. She wanted…no, she needed…to try to fix things with Iris and the only way she knew to do that was to finally be honest about everything and hope they could find a way through it. She just didn’t know yet what getting through it meant.

  “I’m too fed up to party.” Vicki got up. “I’m heading home.”

  Cam gave Vicki a hug before she trudged off, feeling guilty that she hadn’t done a better job of listening to her. Her attention drifted, and she kept checking to see what Iris was doing and who she was talking to. It felt to Cam as if opposing magnets were working to keep them apart, keep them in opposite corners of every room, moving Iris away every time Cam got close enough to try to start a conversation. The pain of being so close to Iris and yet them seeming so far apart was stronger than she expected.

  * * *

  It was properly dark now, and there was nowhere near enough light from the patio to illuminate the whole length of the garden. It suited Iris. She had found a spot on a bench, sitting within a wrought iron gazebo, almost at the bottom of the garden. The urge to get away from everyone had been overwhelming. She had said her good-byes to Beth. They’d exchanged phone numbers, without any real expectation that either of them would call.

  “Hey.”

  Iris looked up to see Cam, buttoned up in her coat, standing a few feet away. She felt both the pull of her and the impulse to run away. Cam smiled at her, and Iris hated the way her body reacted, undermining her intention to play it cool.

  “You’re pretty brave sitting out here. They don’t even have patio heaters. Maybe I could go get you a blanket to fall asleep under.”

  As jokes went, it was pretty lame, and Iris couldn’t believe that Cam thought they were ready to joke about things. She felt anger bubbling under the hurt.

  “I was waiting for a chance to talk to you, but you missed drinks again on Wednesday, and tonight, well, it kinda feels like you’ve been avoiding me,” Cam said softly.

  “I haven’t. I’ve just been hanging out with my friends. I do have other people to talk to you know.” Iris wanted Cam to feel the sting of the comment.

  “Sure you do.” Cam’s expression hardened. “And there’s always Beth of course. You guys looked like you were swapping numbers. I’m confused about you dating again though. I thought you ‘liked’ being single, I thought that was ‘your thing.’ You told me it was, like, a dozen times.”

  Iris hated this, hated them arguing, but she couldn’t stop herself. Cam had hurt her.

  “Yeah, well, maybe I figured I should try and spend some time with women who are available and not just using me as a plaything because they’re bored and drunk.” As soon as she said the words, she felt bad. She put up her hands in a gesture of apology.

  “Look, Cam, I’m sorry. There was no need for that.” Iris pushed her hands through her hair. “And I don’t want to argue with you. We don’t need to. We don’t even have anything we need to talk about really. Bottom line: you got drunk and a little carried away with a friend and you regret it. You should. You have a fiancé and he doesn’t deserve you fucking him about like that. I know it happens but it shouldn’t. And I know it didn’t really mean anything and I should be able to just forget about it, but I can’t.” She finally took a breath. “Because if I’m honest, maybe I actually wanted it to mean a little more to you than it did and I feel crappy about that for lots of reasons. But that’s my problem. I should have managed my feelings better.” She wasn’t exactly telling the truth, but she wasn’t lying either. She was guarding herself from Cam while also trying to be honest enough to help Cam understand why she was upset.

  “I hate your version of what happened, Iris. It’s bullshit.” Cam had her fists clenched at her sides. “I’m not some bored housewife, fooling around with a friend for a bit of excitement.”

  “Aren’t you? I think that’s exactly what you are. But it’s my fault not yours.” Iris kept her tone gentle. “Hazel warned me not to get too close for this very reason, and I didn’t listen. We got close and I let myself become attracted to you. I let things get out of hand. I’m sure I’ll survive the embarrassment. I just need a little time. But please don’t expect me to talk to you about it.”

  “You’re attracted to me.” It was a statement from Cam, not a question.

  “You really didn’t know?”

  “I mean, I thought maybe, when we danced, y’know, you looked at me, you touched me, it was like…” Cam started to speak and faltered. “But I thought it was because you were drunk not that you were…attracted to me. You’ve always been so inscrutable—”

  “Well, okay, now you know and that’s why I need some distance. I need to get over this silly crush and how stupid I feel. It may take some time.” She muttered the last five words to herself.

  “I’m attracted to you too.” Cam said it quietly, her eyes lifting uncertainly to meet Iris’s gaze. The words landed like arrows in Iris’s chest, but before she could react or respond, Hazel called her name from just inside the house.

  “Come and say good-bye to Megan.” She was being summoned. Did Hazel know she was here with Cam? Maybe she was attempting a rescue effort. If so, her timing was perfect. And yet totally crappy.

  Cam looked toward the door. “Iris, please, let’s go somewhere and talk. I know this is hard but we…we can’t just walk away from each other. Please.”

  Iris wanted to go with Cam, she wanted so badly to talk about this, even as she knew what a terrible idea it was. She took in a breath and let it out again.

  “The car is parked at the bottom of the street, left when you come out of the house. If you go now, I’ll follow on in a few minutes. Let me say good-bye to Megan, and to Hazel and Casey.” Iris wasn’t at all sure why she’d agreed.

  “You don’t want to be seen leaving with me.”

  “I’m sorry,” Iris said, holding Cam’s gaze, trying to look calmer than she felt.

  “It’s okay.” Cam reached as if to touch Iris on the arm. Iris stepped backward leaving Cam’s hand in midair. She looked hurt. “I was just going to say thank you.”

  “Just give me five minutes.”

  Cam nodded and walked off ahead of Iris back toward the house.

  * * *

  When Iris approached her car, a few minutes later, Cam was leaning against the passenger side door. The car was parked under a streetlight, and as she got closer, the sight of Cam waiting for her made her heart race. “Where shall we go?” Iris spoke first.

  “I don’t mind,” Cam murmured her response.

  “It’s not too late for a pub.” Iris didn�
��t want to drink, but she couldn’t think of anywhere else. “We could be back in Hampstead by ten and stop in at the Black Sheep?” Cam nodded, her eyes cast down.

  They got in the car and Cam turned to her.

  “I’m not toying with you, Iris. You couldn’t be more wrong.”

  Iris swallowed, her throat full of words she wanted to say but couldn’t. She put on her seat belt, fumbling slightly. Cam had sat with her in this car so many times, talking and laughing as they grew close. But tonight, if they couldn’t find a way to get past their attraction, to get back to being friends, it would probably be the last time.

  Chapter Twenty-two

  The Black Sheep was tucked away on the edge of the Heath and they settled themselves at a corner table. Iris went to the bar. Cam’s mind was racing. She had asked Iris to let them talk about what had happened, about what they were feeling, but she didn’t really know what to say. And she kept coming back to wanting to tell Iris about Mia. She couldn’t help but think it would probably make things worse, but she also knew that, if she didn’t, Iris would never take her feelings seriously. Maybe they couldn’t do a thing about the way they felt, but Cam really needed Iris to know that she hadn’t just been fooling with her.

  Iris came back to the table with two tumblers of clear liquid. “Lime and sodas. Thought we should stay sober.” She put them down and looked at Cam uncertainly.

  Cam ached for her when she looked like that. She was beautiful of course, but she also seemed vulnerable and a little lost, and it was impossible for Cam not to feel responsible.

  She angled her chair so that it was a little closer to the fire. “Maybe we can swap places when you start to smell my flesh burn.” Cam picked up her glass. She was trying to make things less tense. “To cozy British pubs.” She touched her glass to Iris’s, feeling a little feverish.