One Small Step

by MA Binfield

  “Don’t stop, don’t stop, don’t stop.” Iris spoke through gritted teeth.

  Cam had spent hours getting to know this body, greedily laying claim to every inch, but this—right now—was everything she had wanted to do for months. Cam felt Iris stiffen and she pushed herself against Iris. She had her tongue inside Iris’s mouth, and she felt Iris shudder against her as she came. Iris’s orgasm came in waves, her breathing rapid and she clasped her hand around Cam’s, not letting her withdraw, keeping her inside. Her eyes were clamped shut.

  Finally, Iris opened her eyes and looked at Cam. Her eyes were shining, bold, holding not even a shadow of embarrassment. “That was incredible.”

  “You are incredible.” Cam placed a soft kiss on Iris’s lips as she gently withdrew her hand. “And indescribably hot.” She looked Iris up and down, leaning back as she did so. Iris pulled her back into the embrace. She kissed Cam, soft and slow at first, and then harder and wanting. Cam felt her body respond and she lost herself in the kiss until she made herself put her hands on Iris’s chest, pushing herself away, breaking the contact. Iris looked confused and hurt, her hooded eyes showing the lust she still felt. Cam leaned in and whispered in Iris’s ear. “If we don’t eat something, I’m gonna die.”

  Iris pulled a pan from the cupboard and set some bread in the toaster. The simple pleasure of making a snack for Cam almost as enjoyable as the sex that had gone before. She felt a wave of arousal looking across the breakfast bar to see Cam watching her with a sweet shy smile. The bar between them a practical necessity to stop them from reaching for each other, to give Iris the chance to make the food they both needed to eat. She put the beans in the pan and set it on the stove.

  “And what are you smiling at, my angel?” Iris tilted her head in Cam’s direction. Cam met her gaze.

  “I’m looking at you fixing me some food and wondering why this feels so natural when we’ve never done it before. And jeez, I love it that you just called me angel.”

  “Sorry, it just slipped out. That wasn’t me trying to be smooth.” She stirred the beans one last time as the toast popped up.

  “I guess not,” Cam said. “Anyway, smooth would’ve been having some champagne on ice and smoked salmon in the fridge. Not beans on toast.”

  Iris buttered the toast before pouring beans onto each slice. She handed one of the plates to Cam.

  “This is the ‘you-totally-caught-me-unawares’ version of smooth. If I’d known you were coming, I might have managed a bit of cheese as well.” She waggled her eyebrows at Cam. “I’m a council estate kid who can’t cook, you might as well know what you’re getting into.”

  As soon as the words came out, Iris regretted them. It was a figure of speech. She hadn’t meant to assume that Cam was getting into anything, that this meant anything close to what she wanted it to mean. But the idea that it might not took her breath away for an instant. She made herself sit down across the bar from Cam and fork some beans into her mouth, feeling uneasy. Cam reached across the bar and entwined her fingers with Iris’s.

  “Iris.” Cam waited for Iris to look up at her, to meet her eyes. “Next time—and I intend for there to be lots of next times—I’ll bring the cheese.”

  * * *

  Iris slowly pulled herself out of sleep. Cam was propped on an elbow next to her, watching her closely.

  “Hey.” The single syllable from Cam was probably the sexiest she had ever heard.

  “What time is it?” Iris yawned out the question.

  “Nearly six.” Cam reached her fingers down to stroke Iris’s hand, leaning in to place a kiss on her lips. Her expression looking serious in the soft lamp light. Iris felt that something had come between them.

  “You okay?”

  “Yeah. Of course. Just thinking about how cute you look when you’re asleep, and…” she hesitated, “just hating Amanda a little bit for daring to leave you feeling so bruised.”

  Iris hadn’t expected that. She had been trying not to think about that whole situation, trying not to recognize the parallels. There was so much for her to worry about without that. She frowned and rubbed her face, wanting to feel more awake.

  “What are you thinking?” Cam used her thumb to smooth out the frown.

  That I love you with all my heart and I need to know that you really mean this. Iris left the words unspoken, her heart beginning to hurt with all the things they weren’t saying to each other. They had to find a way to have the conversation somehow.

  “What do you think happened to Gina?” Iris said the words softly. She was flat on her back, her hands folded on her stomach, gazing at the ceiling.

  “What do you mean?”

  “In the story I told you, it was all about me and Amanda, Gina doesn’t have anything but a supporting role. Don’t you understand? Amanda used her to break things with me, because we were having problems, and she wanted a way out.” Iris wanted Cam to understand.

  “But after Amanda and I broke up, Gina was just cast aside. It might have taken Amanda a couple of weeks to do it but she didn’t really want Gina, she wanted some way to get away from me. Gina was just—” Iris’s voice broke. “She was just collateral damage.”

  Cam sat up in the bed.

  “Iris, this isn’t like that, you know it isn’t.” Cam’s voice betrayed how upset she was.

  “Isn’t it? Aren’t you just using this…me…to get away from Ryan? You’re not happy and you weren’t happy long before I came along. Doing this, with me, it gives you a way out.” She looked away from Cam, not able to meet her eyes. She needed the reassurance but didn’t want to ask for it.

  “That’s not true. I wasn’t totally happy, no. But I wasn’t looking for a way out. Not until I got to know you. I tried to resist you, Iris, but I couldn’t, I can’t.” She reached for Iris’s hand. “I don’t know how to convince you that I want this, that I’m serious, that I love you. I don’t have the words.”

  “I don’t want words, Cam.” Iris whispered her response and they looked at each other, not speaking.

  After a few moments, Iris pulled Cam toward her. She still feared that Cam wouldn’t be brave enough for this, that somehow love wouldn’t be enough—but the woman she had fallen in love with was sitting in her bed, naked apart from a T-shirt and offering to try. It was something.

  Iris kissed Cam hard, crushing her lips with her own, not caring if it was too hard. She pushed Cam onto her back, heard the groan of pleasure as she pushed her tongue into Cam’s mouth, saw the want in Cam’s eyes. Iris pulled off her own top as Cam removed her T-shirt, revealing her breasts, the nipples hard and perfect. Iris pushed her thigh between Cam’s legs, finding her still so wonderfully wet.

  Cam gasped as Iris slid down and bit her nipple gently and then not so gently. She moved upward, kissing Cam between her breasts before raking her neck with kisses. Iris felt as if she and Cam were melted together. Cam moved to wrestle Iris onto her back. She grabbed Iris’s hands and pushed them above her head, pinning her down so she was unable to move. Cam leaned her mouth close to Iris’s ear.

  “The difference is that Amanda didn’t have a reason to stay with Gina afterward. I do, Iris, because I love you.”

  Before Iris could reply, Cam’s mouth came down hard on hers. She moved it down Iris’s body, pausing to kiss her collarbone tenderly and then, as Iris wrapped her hands in her hair, Cam bit down, sucking the flesh, tasting her skin, and biting a little harder when Iris moaned loudly with pleasure. Cam stopped to look at her face.

  “I know you don’t want my words but I’m gonna show you how much I want this. Not just here, in bed, but tomorrow and the next day and the next day. In the daylight, with everyone watching, with my actions not my words.”

  Cam gave her a smile that was ridiculously shy given the position they were in. Iris couldn’t help but react to Cam’s words. She grabbed Cam’s shoulders, reversing their positions again, wanting to be on top, wanting to claim Cam all over again. She moved her hands across Cam’s breas
ts, in her hair, on her behind, pulling them closer, never feeling they were close enough. She ran her tongue over Cam’s taut stomach, salty with sweat from the lovemaking, and down between Cam’s thighs, desperate to taste her once more. Iris pushed Cam’s thighs apart far enough to allow her to be able to run her tongue along the swollen flesh, using her hands to hold Cam’s backside slightly off the bed. She moved her tongue in circles, delighting in the noises Cam was making, enjoying that she was the cause of them.

  Iris stopped to nip at the soft, smooth flesh on Cam’s inner thigh and Cam moaned before guiding her head back to where it was before. “Please, Iris, please.” Iris took all of her, greedily. Cam’s head was thrown back and her fists balled. “I love you, Iris,” she growled the words as she arched her back, giving in to her orgasm.

  * * *

  Iris eased herself out of bed and crossed into the living room, flipping on the lamp next to her favorite armchair and switching on her laptop. Cam had fallen asleep, but she was wide-awake. If she wasn’t going to sleep, then she should at least use the time to write. Writing always helped her sort through her feelings.

  Through the open door to the bedroom, she could see Cam sleeping on her side, her face pointed toward the door, the covers draped across her hips but leaving her upper body and legs uncovered. Iris drank in the sight of her before turning back to the keyboard and waiting for the words to come. Her whole being had been shaken from head to toe today, and she felt full—full of feelings, full of fear and, yes, full of love. She opened a new document and began to tap out a slow steady rhythm—the words coming easily for once.

  A phone rang in the bedroom. It wasn’t hers, she could tell from the tone. Cam moved slowly, seeming to force herself awake. Iris crossed to the doorway, picking up the jeans that Cam had been wearing and passing them to her. The phone had stopped ringing by the time she had fished it out of the pocket, her movements slowed by sleepiness. Cam’s forehead creased as she moved her thumb across the screen, checking something.

  “Who was that?” Iris knew the answer but asked the question anyway.

  “Ryan.”

  Iris waited.

  “He was worried…he sent a text, but I didn’t answer, so he called.” Cam scratched a spot on her arm.

  “Does he know where you are?” Iris held her breath, needing the answer to be yes, knowing it would signal the right kind of intention on Cam’s part.

  “I don’t know. He left the house before me so—” Cam sat up. “He might think I’m here. Or at Vicki’s. He knows we’re close, that I might go there.”

  “Why doesn’t he know you’re here…with me?” Iris swallowed down a rising feeling of panic. “I mean, you left him to be with me. You said you told him that. Why wouldn’t he think this is exactly where you’d be?”

  “He might. I don’t know…I mean, he probably does. It’s not important.”

  Iris couldn’t stop herself from pacing in front of Cam. Her senses were on alert and she felt sick in her stomach. “Of course it’s important.”

  Cam got off the bed and reached for her. “Iris, don’t—”

  Iris moved out of reach.

  “I just don’t know why he’d think you were at Vicki’s. If you told him…if you broke up with him and told him you weren’t going to Seattle and you were staying here because you loved me, because you couldn’t leave me.” Iris used the words that Cam had used hours ago. “Why the hell wouldn’t he think you were right here?”

  “I’m sure he does. I just—”

  “Cam, please tell me that he knows it’s over. That you ended it with him before coming here.”

  “He…yes…but…” She couldn’t meet Iris’s eyes. “He walked out. We didn’t get to say everything we needed to.”

  “Dammit, Cam.” Iris felt the breath leave her body.

  “But I told him I loved you, that I didn’t want…that I couldn’t…leave you. I told him I was staying to be with you, but he left in the middle of the argument.” Cam had her hands pressed together in front of her body and Iris could see distress written clearly across her face. She didn’t want to hurt her, but she had to know.

  “He’s calling and texting to see where you are, Cam. That doesn’t sound like someone who thinks you’re over.”

  “We are.” Cam moved closer. “We are, Iris. I promise you that. I only want you, this. I love you so much.”

  Iris could hear the tears behind the words, but she couldn’t afford to care. She hadn’t wanted this, had gone out of her way to avoid this exact fucking situation.

  “But does he know that? I told you I would never…” Iris made herself calm down, made herself concentrate on her breathing, on the words she needed to say. Her heart was beating loudly in her chest and she felt her throat constricting as she spoke. “I didn’t want it this way. I never wanted you to do this to him. In fact, I did everything to make sure this didn’t happen. Fuck, Cam, I would’ve waited for you to end it, for you to be free. It would’ve been better, surely you knew that.”

  “I didn’t know that. I thought I was losing you. I wanted—”

  “You wanted what, Cam? To hedge your bets, to take me for a test drive before you traded in the old car?”

  “Iris—” Cam cut across her. “I know you don’t mean that. Do not do this.”

  “Do what, Cam? Want the person I’m with to not still have an actual fiancé, to want you to be able to commit to me before we spent the day fucking each other senseless, cheating on your fucking fiancé.”

  Iris couldn’t believe she’d been so stupid. She should have asked more questions, been more careful. Cam had come to her and it was everything she had wanted for months, but it wasn’t everything, it wasn’t anything actually. Cam said she loved her, but she hadn’t loved her enough to break off her engagement first. She felt nauseous and utterly heartsick.

  “I think you should go.”

  “Iris, don’t. Please don’t. I’m sorry if I’ve not done this right, but I want to be here with you. This isn’t me hurting you. I won’t do that.”

  Iris turned her back on Cam and crossed into the living room. She would not cry, not in Cam’s presence.

  “Iris, try to trust me. I just need a little time—” The voice came from behind her. She turned. Looking Cam in the face was like looking directly into the sun—it hurt and she couldn’t do it.

  “I would’ve given you time, all the time you needed, but you didn’t ask for it. You came here and acted like you’d decided and you haven’t, not really.”

  “I have. It’s just…it’s four years, it’s complicated. You know that. I just need to talk to him some more, make sure he understands.”

  Everything Cam said made things worse. “So go and talk to him. But I don’t want you to come back here. You got what you came for and I think, deep down, we both knew how this would play out. You won’t leave him. He’s your port in a storm. I knew you wouldn’t be brave enough, wouldn’t love me enough.” She paused and took in a deep breath, willing the tears not to fall. “Just go, Cam. Before it gets so late that he won’t believe whatever lie you’re going to have to tell him about where you were today.”

  Cam reacted to Iris’s words as if they were a slap. Iris felt a sliver of regret and then pushed it away.

  “I’ll go, Iris.” Cam’s voice was shaky. Iris could tell she was trying not to cry. “But I mean this and I’m sorry you won’t let me show you just how much I love you.” She walked away from Iris into the bedroom. Iris wanted to say something, to believe her, to stop her from going even as she sent her away but she did nothing. She couldn’t watch Cam dress and leave, knowing it would hurt too damn much, so she moved into the bathroom and shut the door.

  Chapter Twenty-six

  “Iris.” Her dad waited a moment and called her name again, knocking lightly on the door. “I’ve made some dinner. Come and eat with me.”

  Iris had been for an early run and then spent the day upstairs, in her old room. She knew she needed to talk
but wasn’t sure she’d be able to do so without sobbing and she was far too old to still be wetting her dad’s shirts with her tears. She headed downstairs and into the kitchen to see her dad plating two omelets.

  Iris sat in the chair opposite him. He passed her the brown sauce.

  “Try and eat, sweet pea. Look, I fried chips for you.” He smiled. She sat up a little straighter in her chair, picked a chip from her plate, and bit the end off.

  “Any better today?”

  Iris shook her head. She’d turned up asking if she could stay for a couple of days, handing him her phone on the doorstep, knowing she didn’t trust herself not to weaken and call Cam. She wanted to apologize and beg Cam’s forgiveness, and she wanted to shout at her for making Iris feel so hurt and foolish. It was for the best that she couldn’t do either.

  Iris cut off a corner of the omelet with her fork, lifting it to her mouth uncertainly. She chewed and swallowed. “I’ve fucked up, like I always seem to.”

  “Want to tell me about it?” Her dad’s voice was low and kind.

  “What’s the point?”

  “Need a dad cliché? Better out than in. A problem shared is a problem halved. Talking is a cure. Enough yet?” He shuffled his chair a little closer to her, and put a hand on her arm, stroking it gently. “I’m worried about you, but I’m not going to pry.”

  Iris swallowed and looked up at him, fighting not to shed more tears.

  “Cam…I…we…we got together. And”—she ran a hand through her hair—“it was amazing and I’ve fallen in love with her. I mean I already had, but…”

  “And that’s bad?” He wrinkled his face in confusion.

  “Yes. She’s still with her fiancé. She came to me and made it sound like she’d left him to be with me, but she hadn’t, not really. We cheated on him and I hate myself for it. She said she loved me but…I don’t think she knows what she wants, or who she is. And I think that, even though she loves me, it isn’t enough.” Iris shook her head, the memories too painful. “I threw her out, I wasn’t kind. And I hate myself for that too.”