Suzy Suzy

by William Wall

  60

  What’s not generally known is that my grandad practically disowned my dad. This was because my dad wanted to sell my grandad’s farm. He didn’t just want to sell it, he wanted to develop it. He wanted to build forty unique luxury executive-style residences each to a different design and standing on between half an acre and three quarters with pre-landscaped gardens. My grandad’s farm was eleven acres. Eleven point seven to be precise. It was all he ever owned, that and the house he lived in. My dad announced his plan. My grandad would sign over the land to his son for love and affection. That is the legal term. My dad would develop the land, which he insisted on calling the site, and set aside one house for my grandad. That was his first mistake. My granny died in my grandad’s house. He didn’t want to move into an executive-style residence. You never saw anybody less like an executive than my grandad. He made his living growing vegetables, keeping pigs and a few cattle. When the tax relief for horses came in he bought a mare and bred foals. His back was bad idk like what happens to people’s backs? He used to say, Suzy my back is destroyed. When he stood up he would take five minutes holding his back and forcing himself to straighten bit by bit. That’s how I remember him – his hand on his back, straightening slowly like a branch that was bent for a long time. So my dad laid out his commercial proposition and my grandad listened and then he said, The best you can do now, Matt Regan, is bugger off home before I go upstairs and get the shotgun, for I’d just as soon shoot the arse off you as listen to you.

  My dad made a second mistake. He thought my grandad was joking.

  So my grandad went upstairs and came down with the shotgun with two number five cartridges in his hand.

  My dad left.

  What my grandad did was change his will to leave the farm to my mam. My mam wouldn’t sell it so we still own it even though we sold the house. She was crazy about my grandad. He used to call her girl, even after she had me when no way was she a girl. Sometimes when I want to just walk away I go there. Someone else is renting the land from us. He keeps cattle on it. That’s why it’s called Regan’s Glen. We sold the house and it’s gone now. The dude who bought it bulldozed the dwelling house and outhouses and then ran out of money. I think his plan was to build a unique luxury executive-style residence. It’s what we all aspire to in Ireland. But he ended up emigrating to Qatar where he works on building hotels for people who would rather be somewhere nice.

  My grandad used to say, Suzy, girl, the land is for you. Even if you have only an acre you have something.

  He tried to persuade me to keep pigs. Me. A pig would eat you, they are vicious bastards. I googled it. I could just see myself getting knocked over and looking up at a pig who wanted the full Irish for his breakfast. Remember, I even thought about having pigs eat my mam during my axe-murder phase.

  So now when my mam is pissed with me she says, You better go and buy a pig because I’m not keeping you a minute more in this house.

  And maybe I will buy a pig. Maybe I could train him to talk like in that film. It was OK. I saw it on telly. Some people stopped eating pork chops afterwards. Like I would.

  Maybe he would like me and not want to eat me. And we could have a pet and mistress relationship. Not. Definitely not like Fifty Shades of Grey. Not even Two Shades of It.

  And one thing that everybody knows is that my dad has like fourteen of the fifteen personality traits of the psychopath. And he’s working on the last one.

  61

  So they picked Bowles up for questioning about the murder. That was a surprise. Like I said to Dad, He’s gay, he wouldn’t do it. Dad was unaware of the gayness thing. He didn’t believe it. I also pointed out that he was smaller than me, like no way could he overpower a fit young woman. My dad said he could have been one of the violent gays and they get amazing strength. So then we had a conversation about the violent gays which I was unaware of as a specific type of gay. My dad said it was well known and that was that. When my dad thinks something is well known it usually means he made it up or it’s some crap he heard on a talk show.

  He came up to my room that night to tell me that he thought if Bowles was convicted of murder Ballyshane might come up for sale again. I said I wouldn’t hold my breath. He said a certain friend of his in the guards (the ‘a certain’ was a bit unnecessary as he only knows one guard) also told him that Bowles was an object of suspicion anyway for some reason.

  And what you said about him being a gay? I mean, would he be the woman-hater type? Sometimes gays take it out on women, for being like, gay, you know, for rejecting them or something.

  I rolled my eyes.

  Dad, I said, I don’t think it’s actually like that for gays. I mean I think they’re just gay, you know. And I don’t know what type he is. I didn’t know there were types. All I know is he’s gay. I don’t think gays rape women all that much. Like when did you last hear of a woman being raped and murdered by a gay man? It’s just not their thing. The people who rape and murder women are straight men.

  We don’t know that. You’d have to be twisted to rape and murder someone, right?

  Yeah but twisted and gay are two different things, Dad. And I’m pretty sure the Sunday Independent would be all over a story about a gay man going around raping women. And The Sun. Front page stuff.

  I could see him thinking it over. He reads the Independent.

  OK, well goodnight, Suzy.

  Goodnight, Dad.

  He closed the door then opened it again. If you hear anything more about your man Bowles let me know.

  I will, Dad.

  Then before I got to sleep my mam came up. She sat on my bed. It was like when I was small. Suzy, she said, you were right to text me that time, you did the right thing, you were looking after your dad.

  Mam, are you and Dad going to split up?

  I don’t know, pet. We’re in a lot of trouble right now. But your dad will make it. You can’t keep him down forever. He’s a fighter.

  I was going to say, Tony is a fighter too by the looks of it but mostly he gets hammered.

  But I didn’t. And my mam said goodnight and I said goodnight and then she went to bed herself. Tonight was a world record for goodnights. Something must be happening. There was something just perf about it. Then I thought, How sad am I, one night my mam and dad say goodnight to me and I tear up like someone proposed to me? I’m pathetic. But I was happy falling asleep. I don’t know, sometimes things get better. Maybe.

  62

  I’m like at my bus stop on my way to school reading a long text from Serena when Tom Bowles’ car stops beside me. Tom Bowles gets out. I am seriously scared. He is a Murder Suspect. I get my phone out and start to think who to phone, like not Serena, and Holly will be here any minute, and not my mam and not my dad because he wouldn’t have a clue. And not the guards because I would have to confess about the bin. But Tom Bowles doesn’t attack me. He says, Hello, Miss. It’s Suzy isn’t it?

  Hiya.

  Do you remember me?

  Yeah, you’re the Ballyshane guy.

  Is that how you say it? I thought it was pronounced Ballyshane.

  No it’s shaan, like there’s a fada on the a. Like bane field, you know. I don’t know, it’s how we say Irish names around here. It’s different. It’s not English English.

  I knew I should shut up.

  Could I ask you a favour?

  There’s no harm in asking. I might not do it though.

  That’s perfectly fine. I’m sure you know that the police brought me in for questioning about that terrible murder.

  I nodded. I didn’t know what to say. What Do You Say To A Murder Suspect?

  Well, the thing is I didn’t do it and I have an alibi. Unfortunately, for reasons which I will reveal to you shortly, I didn’t want to use my alibi. It was just a fishing expedition this time. If it had been more serious I would have had to use it. But I get the feeling they don’t like me and they would like nothing better than to set me up. Do you catch my drift?
/>   My bus is coming.

  I think you should miss your bus.

  I can’t I’ll be late for school.

  I’ll drive you in.

  No thanks. Here’s the bus now and here’s my friend Holly.

  It’s about the night you set fire to my bin.

  Oh.

  I stayed where I was. Holly came running with her bag bouncing on her back. She shouted to me as she got on. She was in such a hurry she didn’t notice that I was staying. Then the bus pulled off and I saw Holly’s face glued to the glass watching us. Then Thirty Other Faces Turned Too. All these people looking at me. It felt like I was being left behind in some extermination camp or a ghetto. Like you see. The one who’s left behind gets sent to the gas chamber. I don’t know, maybe I’m making that up. Was it ever a film?

  Hop in, my dear, Tom Bowles said. I’ll drive you to school.

  It’s like this, he said, as he pulled out onto the road. The police believe the murder was committed the night you and your friend set fire to my bin. They have CCTV footage of the young lady getting into a car outside a public house at about midnight, and they believe she was killed some time after that, probably around four a.m. because her watch was broken when she was thrown into the valley.

  I found her purse, I said.

  Really? I didn’t know that.

  Well The Dog found it. I reported it.

  Dogs do often find bodies. It happens a lot. You know, The body was found by a man out walking his dog. You hear that a lot. It must have been horrible for you.

  It was kind of exciting I don’t know. I just thought it was a purse but I got suspicious because there was money still in it. I reported it.

  Well, my little problem is this. If I tell the police about the bin they will ask me to prove that I’m telling the truth. Now as it happens we have proof positive. Do you get my drift? The proof is your good self.

  My mam will kill me. And Serena’s dad will throw her out. He’s a fucking freak you have no idea. We call him Willy The Right To Life. He’s a mad pro-lifer. Like his hands were blessed by the Pope.

  Tom Bowles was chuckling. Your brother mentioned him. I wondered who he was.

  My brother?

  So if I call the police up and say I’ve just remembered something that happened that night, will you talk to them?

  But my dad will like totally kill me. My mam will slaughter me. I can’t do it. This is my school here.

  We pulled over beside the school gate. He didn’t drive in. I don’t know what Serena would have said if she saw me getting out of Tom Bowles’ car. Holly wouldn’t say anything. The bell was gone I could see. Everybody was going in. For the first time in my life I wanted to be in school.

  Well, we can do it two ways. I can name you and they will call to your house to check it, or you can volunteer and I’ll say you’ve promised to come into the station to give them a statement. Once I’m eliminated from their enquiries they won’t be interested in you any more. They’ll want your friend too. You should both go in. Grace will drive you if you like. She likes police officers.

  Grace likes police officers?

  She has a thing for strong men, our Grace.

  I have to go, the bell is gone.

  My card, he said, handing me his card like they do in detective stories. Call me tonight or else I’ll go ahead. I need to let them know tomorrow at the latest.

  How do you like Ballyshane? I asked as I got out.

  I like it, he said, it’s just the kind of place I like. Homely.

  My dad is hoping you get charged with the murder and he’ll buy the house when you get thrown in gaol.

  I closed the door and walked away. I saw that Holly was waiting for me at the student door. I knew I had to tell her everything. She would know what to do. But I couldn’t tell her about Serena’s message in which she explained in about two hundred words and twenty texts how she was meeting the master dude, the guy from alt.com, he was totally cool, had loads of toys, she wanted me to go with her. To have her back. Like you do.

  I replied: I don’t believe a word of it n if it’s true I’m not going.

  Serena: Bitch I own you.

  63

  At small break we had a conversation. Holly said the guards were probably just Checking Out Possible Leads. They needed to Eliminate Him From Enquiries. If I could give him an alibi he would be in the clear and the guards would forget about it. We both knew we were really taking part in an episode of Rebus. We could talk the talk. They should take us on as scriptwriters. But like we also knew simultaneously that it was total bullshit. It’s just that bullshit has a way of getting you to do things. That’s why all those generals made speeches before battle. Napoleon and Richard III and that British guy who was going to Iraq, the famous leader type. Because bullshit makes you fight. But we decided we should do it. I was to text Tom Bowles. So we went and got Serena and explained to her how it was going to be, and she was like, Cool, cool, my dad will murder me but cool by me. She looked stoned. Holly said it was love. Serena had a bag full of samples from some cosmetic company. She watches out for special offers online. She was sharing it out. She had Crème Hyaluronique for filling deep wrinkles, a Traceur Hyaluronique Comblement for precise wrinkles, a Crème Silicium Regard for a lifting effect, a Crème Bio-Protectrice for sensitive or reactive skin, a Masque Bio-Apaisant Immédiat for soothing sensitive or reactive skin, a Serum Bio-Reparateur for repairing sensitive or reactive skin, and factor fifty suntan lotion. For about an hour she was at peak popularity in my school. Holly and me don’t use.

  And after school we went into town instead of getting the bus and we Presented Ourselves At The Station ^—^. The station was not anything like on telly. You walked in the door of this crappy building and there was a big counter like a post office, and a noticeboard with posters about Firearms Licences and Help Numbers and A Missing Dog, and behind the counter there was a Huge Map and two scabby filing cabinets. And There Was No One There. On telly there’s always people moving around and slagging each other off. We pressed a button and we heard a buzzer somewhere else and after a few minutes a small fat man in a uniform came out.

  What can I do for you kids?

  Kids, Serena said, we’re like fucking seniors in our school. In six months we’ll be in university.

  He winked at her. But Policemen Never Wink.

  Don’t be using language now. It’s unbecoming in a lady.

  I said, We want to confess.

  He smiled. Now what have you to confess?

  We did something, Serena said. Aren’t you supposed to tell us we don’t have to say anything but anything we do say may be taken down and used against us in a court of law?

  Yeah, I said, we’re entitled to be cautioned. It’s a human right.

  Don’t believe everything you see on TV, he said.

  Do you want to hear our confession or not?

  Fire away so girls. In your own good time. In nominy patry et filiy et spirity sancty amen. He made the sign of the cross at us and winked. How long is it since your last confession, ladies?

  I said, I feel your pain. But I’m an atheist.

  He just looked at me. I looked at him. I was thinking, ffs if this is the standard of the justice system. Guards are knobheads.

  He picked up a pen but I noticed he didn’t write anything down. Like two girls must walk into his station every day and confess to something. It wasn’t until we mentioned the date and Ballyshane that he woke up. He told us to sit down for a minute. There was someone would want to talk to us. He came back with a man. The man had a different accent, like maybe Dublin.

  I’m thinking, This is more like it.

  After that we were brought into a room and sat at a table exactly like on telly and the man and a woman guard came in and that was where we made our statements. I did the talking except every now and then I’d say, Right, Serena? And Serena would say, Right. In the middle, it was so embarrassing, my brother’s phone ass-called me and I was like, Hello? Hell
o? Tony your phone is ass-calling me? Then I hung up and it called again. The guard asked me to turn it off. The woman guard wrote everything down. Maybe she even wrote down that I was ass-called twice. Every now and then she stopped and asked me to repeat something or slow down. The man asked the questions. When I got to the light coming on and I said I saw Tom Bowles and the housekeeper, he stopped me.

  Do you know that or do you believe it?

  That was an interesting question. I said I knew it and I believed it. But I said I supposed you could believe something and not know it, or you could know something and not believe it. Like once I remember I crushed a glass in my hand and cut myself and I said, I don’t fucking believe this. And I didn’t believe it for like three seconds.

  That’s enough, the man said. Just carry on.

  So then I got to legging it and getting home. I didn’t mention that Serena wasn’t with me. And I told them how my dad and mam were awake because of the alarm going off and how they nearly gutted me. And the man said to the woman guard, We could check with the alarm company.

  Then they checked on things like What Were Our Names And Addresses, Were We Sure About The Time and What We Observed and Whether We Were Sure About Seeing Mr Bowles?

  And then they asked us why did we set fire to the Ballyshane recycling bin and I just couldn’t think of an answer. And after a few seconds I realised Serena was pointing at me. And then she said, still pointing at me, It was her idea, she’s like a pyromaniac. And I said that was a lie. And Serena said, Cross my heart and swear to die it was Suzy’s idea. And I said, I don’t fucking believe this. And after a few more rounds of that the guards told us just sign the statements and get lost.