Suzy Suzy

by William Wall

  I bitch-slapped him on the shoulder and said, J and K must be determined from the output states of the J-K flip-flop.

  I could see he didn’t get it. It’s from your textbook!

  Suzy, seriously, you worry me sometimes. What fucking textbook?

  We had a laugh about that. I asked him about being gay. What was it like? Did he have gay friends? How would one gay person know another gay person if he saw him? How many gay people would I know? Like among my circle of acquaintances. Did he ever make a pass at straight guys? Are gay men attracted to lesbian women? Like, what is it about women that gay men don’t like?

  I asked him if he ever went to gay clubs.

  Sometimes, he said. Not a lot though. There’s only one anyway.

  I told him I saw all that on telly. Gay clubs and dancing and all that. But I was wondering if they dress up for it. Some guys in dresses and high heels and some girls in suits? And trannies. All that shit. Talking funny. And would you see guys kissing guys? And is it all mad active and up? Like to judge by the telly gays have all the fun. I was trying to remember where I saw that. I think it was a documentary about an American guy.

  Not really, he said. It’s a pretty quiet place. Like a pub, you know? There’s a bit of a dance floor.

  Me: So that’s where you met the Bowles guy?

  Tony: No that was in Counihans’s. Remember? I told you. He came in with his daughter.

  Me: His daughter?

  Tony: Yeah, Grace.

  Me: Grace is a woman? Are you sure?

  Tony: Listen, just because I’m gay…

  Me: But she’s twice his size?

  Tony: What has that got to do with anything?

  Me: So you liked him because he’s gay?

  Tony: He’s not gay.

  Me: Are you sure?

  Tony: Bowles had three wives.

  Me: Really? Wow.

  Tony: The second time I met him was after you and Serena broke in…

  Me: We didn’t break in we only broke a window!

  Tony: And burned his bin to the ground.

  Me: OK, we burned his bin too. Serena is a pyromaniac.

  Well, he needed his alarm fixed and I told him I was in Elec Eng and one thing followed another and I ended up installing the new alarm system for him. That’s how I got to know him.

  You installed his alarm system?

  It’s easy peasy. It’s like a kit. You could do it yourself.

  Tony, have you got a boyfriend?

  He giggled. I never heard Tony giggle before. I wondered if it was a gay thing and he just like kept it to himself until he talked to me. Like maybe he always giggled inside but being in the closet it wasn’t something he could do in public. And then I wondered if I was in a closet too. Maybe I was lesbian. The Jack Thing was certainly not fab. Maybe you couldn’t really get to know a boy the way Holly and me knew each other. Like boys are about football and computer games. About Which I Knew Fuck All. And they were always whacking each other and bitching at each other. But now that I thought of it I only ever heard Tony laughing when he was with Tosser and the guys. And then it had to be that male shit laughing. Because peer pressure.

  It’s not Tosser is it? I couldn’t stand having him in the family. I mean Tosser is OK, but you know what I mean. Well-named like.

  But it wasn’t Tosser.

  It’s not Great-To-Meet Micky’s eldest is it? I saw you with him the other day.

  That fucking langer? Give me some credit, Suzy!

  It turned out to be someone I didn’t know. And it wasn’t def yet. He’d let me know if it came right. And I asked him when he planned to tell Dad and he said he needed to pick the right time. And I said there would never be a right time. Like Tony is supposed to be a scion of the realm. My dad still thinks he’s doing real Engineering and will grow up to be someone who builds stuff. But in Elec, a fact that seems to have escaped my dad’s attention, they don’t build houses. They don’t even do the wiring.

  Then he told me he heard something. It might have been a joke. Don’t ever tell Dad, he said, but he wanted to know how come Kelleher sold so fast.

  It’s his casus belli, I said. We did casus belli when we did Bismarck.

  What the fuck is casus belli?

  Nevermind, just tell me.

  Bowles let it slip that he dropped Kelleher a serious wad of cash. Under the table.

  Fuck.

  He said he understood that was how business was done in Ireland.

  It legit is too. All the politicians are on the take. Remember whatsisname with the Charvet shirts? And all that gang? They’re only the ones that got caught. Dad does it too.

  Does he?

  I went silent. I didn’t know for sure.

  Bowles is dangerous, he said. Don’t mess with him again.

  Why is he dangerous? He’s practically a midget. He’s like totally challenged.

  Just leave him alone.

  And after that he told me what happened with John Brown. I said I didn’t want to know. It was too sad. I don’t ever think of John Brown if I can help it because it makes me cry. The last time I deliberately thought about him was his anniversary and I cried all day. And reading the book he gave me didn’t help. But he said he wanted me to know. He had to tell someone.

  Don’t tell me. Tell Tosser.

  Tosser knows.

  Well, don’t tell anyone for fuck’s sake. Keep it secret. Like you’re out of the closet now, put the story of John Brown into the closet instead and close the door.

  Suzy listen. It was an accident.

  I could feel him shaking in the bed beside me. He couldn’t have been cold, he was fully dressed. Then I realised he was crying. He had one hand in a fist against his face. I put an arm around him idk I never cuddled my brother, he’s my big brother ffs, but I put my arm around him and gave him like a serious hug. We’re not a hugging family. If my mam gave me a hug I would like die. It would be so embarrassing. Like there is this thing in science called hydrophobicity, which is that certain molecules have the property of repelling water. Well, when they put our family together they made one of our properties hug-o-phobicity. And maybe not telling people anything. And fighting.

  What’s not generally known is that there is no force in hydrophobicity molecules. They don’t repel water. It’s just there is nothing to draw them together. If they were humans they would just be cold. I googled it. Once upon a time.

  71

  I heard him peeing and brushing his teeth. Like a horse peeing into a bucket. Why don’t boys sit down? And then I heard him get into bed. I am the observing angel. Nothing happens in my house that I don’t know about. And no one can sleep until I hear them close their eyes. Sometimes I think I hold the house in my hand and maybe the whole world. If I open my fingers it falls through the cracks. If I close my fist everyone dies.

  Best year worst year favourite food.

  I fell asleep eventually and I dreamed about John Brown. Surprise surprise. Like these days I have mice in my dreams. And floating beams. I dream the weirdest things. But if I could order a good dream from Amazon it would contain John Brown.

  72

  So they arrested some guy who worked in the accounts department of Lidl. Choose to live a little, as the ad says. Maybe he shouldn’t have swallowed his own crappy advertising. It was on the news. The guards must have believed my story and not Dad’s. That was a surprise. I didn’t think anyone believed me ever. And even I don’t believe Serena. And everyone in my school was like, OMG he was packing shelves when I was there, I saw him. Or, OMG he was looking right at me. This is my school, which is one hundred per cent girl except for a few teachers like Leary who doesn’t count. We All Saw Him And He Looked Straight At Us. Several girls knew he was an axe-murderer or whatever all along. They felt it, like The Force or something, like they just sensed that he was a rapist. As you do. There was a even a few thought he was nice. And someone in second year was Related To Him By Marriage. Her third cousin was married to the guy’s
aunt.

  And Serena called me up one day and asked if we could be friends again and she was sorry and she loved me and she would never want to hurt me. Ever.

  First I said, Whatevs, and then I got conscience and said I was sorry too.

  I didn’t know what we were sorry about, but it doesn’t hurt to apologise for something you can’t remember. So she started crying on the phone. She has a liquidity problem big time. She’s a full-time crisis. She said she felt so guilty but she wouldn’t say why. I guessed it was because of all the lies. So I said, So you’re not pregnant? And that only made it worse. It was legit impossible to understand a word she said. Except towards the end she said, I did something awful, I’m so sorry. Then she hung up.

  And by then Holly was actually dating Tosser, which was so totally random I couldn’t believe it. Like dating Tosser is crossing the very last red line of all the red lines. Is it even possible for a human? Who knew it could happen? I asked her if they’d done it and she just smiled. Like nobody tells me anything. It was May and the exams were coming close and everybody was a bit stressed. I went to Serena’s house and we were going to study together. Like Serena is almost as good as me except she doesn’t have the photographic memory shit. She really has to work hard at it. Her dad wasn’t there and her mam was out at some Morning, like a Coffee Morning or a Gin Morning, whatever kind of Mornings she does. She was in a Book Club too, as well as the Golf Club and the Tennis Club and the Sailing Club. The Mornings were usually For Charity. She was in the Lions Club. She’s the kind of mother you read about on Mumsnet.

  Serena couldn’t believe Holly and Tosser were going out. Like Tosser is twenty-two and Holly is eighteen. I said there was no law against it. She asked me if they did anything and I said I didn’t ask Holly about that, it was her business. Like, were they even kissing? She couldn’t imagine Holly being a good kisser. I said, Oh she’s a good kisser all right, the best.

  Oh fuck, Serena said, you did her didn’t you? You did her and you wouldn’t do me. Bitch I own you.

  I shrugged. I said nothing. She stared at me. Then she said, I want one lesbian experience before I marry Jack.

  This was news to me.

  Why would you marry Jack?

  He’s the father of my baby.

  I looked at her. She was like totally flat. She didn’t even have a tummy. I said, You’re not pregnant.

  I am.

  You don’t look it.

  It’s not showing yet. I missed my last two periods.

  I looked at her again. Even for three months she was too flat. Maybe she was a bit bigger on top. My cousin was completely flat until about three months though, and later she was huge. She had preeclampsia. I googled it. It is serious. On Mumsnet it is like nuclear. Everybody was worried but it all went fine in the end and the baby is a dote. Her name is Eve. Holly says they should have called her Adam and the next one Eve. First things first, she says.

  I decided that Serena needed me to believe she was pregnant. It’s probably a Condition. Mumsnet has the deal on phantom pregnancies. It is called pseudocyesis. I think Serena has pseudocyesis and a lot of other pseudos. We all have Conditions idk maybe psychologists could diagnose us. I decided she needed me to imagine a baby inside her so she could imagine it herself. Like I’m independent confirmation that her nightmare-fantasy is an actual baby and not a phantom.

  Did you tell your dad?

  She shook her head. I’m scared.

  I said, At least you won’t have to tell him until after the exams. You look totally non-pregnant. In a month you’ll be done with your last paper and you can tell him then. You’ll have a bump by then.

  I asked her if she could feel anything and she said it was too early. She googled it and you generally don’t start to feel movement until between sixteen and twenty-two weeks. Eventually she’ll have to pay attention to the movements because if he doesn’t move for a while he might be in distress. She looked dreamy talking about it. Like mothers with babies in them look totally stoned sometimes. I was jealous. I made her promise that as soon as she felt something she was to tell me so I could feel it too.

  I texted Holly: Serena says she’s preg Jack is the dad.

  Holly: She’s always worse on her period and she’s on now.

  Me: Rolls eyes.

  73

  The other topic of conversation was my brother’s boyfriend who by now everybody knew about except my dad. His name is Páraic. He was a teacher from the boys’ school, a man of thirty years of age, and very good-looking. I just don’t get how all the best-looking guys are gay. Except John Brown. It was going on a couple of weeks now and they were not hiding anything. The word was that the principal of the boys’ school was gutted and was looking at ways of getting rid of Páraic but it was illegal. The principal’s nickname was Snotty. Boys do that. He had a habit of rubbing his nose when he was talking. Serena said she didn’t think you could be a native Irish speaker and gay at the same time. We thought that was so funny. Like to listen to our Irish teacher, every Irish speaker was a Catholic and Very Good and Said The Rosary After Tea All The Mysteries and Never Even Tasted Alcohol. I said Páraic was striking a blow for freedom. But that wasn’t funny because it was actually true.

  Páraic picked Tony up from college and dropped him home most days. Which meant Tony actually had to go to lectures. Tony was even talking about moving in with him. He has a flat not owned by my dad. It was a nice place with a sea view. Not Executive Home standard nice, but nice all the same. Him and Tony brought me to dinner there one day. He has a big window and you can see ships going up the channel to the city docks. Páraic is a good cook. We had crab soup to start. Like I don’t know about crab, it’s seriously unlike anything you should eat. And the eyes are something else. You could get them in Aliens where they would emerge from Sigourney Weaver’s bellybutton. But the soup was OK and basically you couldn’t tell it was crab because there was no shell. Then some kind of vegetable thing for mains and strawberry pavlova for dessert. The pavlova was fab. Pavlova is my all-time fave.

  So I like him. He is a Science teacher. He is qualified to teach Science through Irish which must be really weird. I mean I know there has to be a word for everything, but like how would you say Large Hadron Collider for example? Or what’s the Irish for the output states of J-K flip-flops?

  Serena asked me about Tony. It was the same question I asked her. When is he going to tell my dad? I said I didn’t know. He was waiting until my dad got the all clear about the stent. Technically his heart is still in recovery. Anyway, my mam was cool with it and my dad is not the noticing type. Not unless Tony’s boyfriend had a For Sale sign attached and maybe on-street parking.

  So I totally didn’t believe in being pregnant and having a period at the same time, which Serena was like, I didn’t have my period for two months. And I was like, Holly said you were on. And Serena flipped.

  And I was also not believing in the three times a night anymore. The way I saw it, if Jack did her once that was him sorted and his next thought would be, Hello, hello, we are the Chelsea boys. Sex first then Chelsea FC. And Serena was way too cool. If I was pregnant, and I wasn’t because (a) my two periods were dead on time and (b) I didn’t let Jack do it, which is a killer where pregnancy is concerned, I would be jumping. But if pretending to be pregnant was good for her, it was OK by me too.

  As a matter of fact Jack keeps texting me. Suzy story? wanna do sthing on firday night? I never reply. He is a wanker.

  We did some work. After about an hour she said, Can I ask you something?

  I said there was no harm in asking.

  When you showed me your cuts, like, are you still cutting?

  I said no. I was clean for two months at that point.

  In fact I stopped after the night I slashed myself. The night Dad lied to the guards in the hope of getting Tom Bowles arrested and getting a chance to buy Ballyshane again. That was soooo weird, my dad getting this big plot going in which he was going to frame an innoc
ent man for a murder he did not commit. It could have been The Fugitive but really it was like something out of Only Fools and Horses which is on repeat again and which I love. I totally want to marry Rodney Trotter. I can’t resist a plonker.

  What about you?

  Naw, she said, I’m clean too.

  But I knew she wasn’t. I said, Did Jack see your scars?

  She said he did. He was cool with them. He said it made him love her more. He had cuts on his thighs too but he said that he hadn’t done anything since they started going out.

  I didn’t say anything. I didn’t even think of rolling my eyes.

  Serena was making mental teddy bears. We all make mental teddy bears for comfort. Otherwise everything would be unbearable. We are girls and we are surrounded by people who want to do things to us. That is the world. Just think about it. Imagine you’re a seventeen-year-old boy in football shorts walking down a dark road at night. It’s a country road. Cars are passing on their way home from the pub. Now imagine you’re a girl in a miniskirt.

  Who made this world the way it is? Not Serena or me or Holly. We’re just trying to get along, making things up as we go, little stories to make the night seem friendly.

  What will your dad say?

  She thought for a minute. She was looking at a page of French verbs, présent, futur, futur antérieur, imparfait, passé composé, passé simple, conditionnel. She’s crap at French. Then she said, I don’t know what the future holds but just now I need to be strong.

  I thought, What crap! I knew she would say something like that. I almost expected her to point at the future tense. Je serai, tu seras, il sera. Deep down Serena is shallow. She is the Princess of Cliché.

  I looked at her. She had straw-coloured hair that was thin and totally straight. She never even had to use a straightener. Her eyes were a sort of hazel brown. She had thin straight lips. Like her figure was perfect because she never ate anything. Once she was sort of curvy, sort of chubby, and then about twelve she downsized big time. She went from curvy to svelte and recently it was skin and bones. The skin and bones happened without me noticing. I am not the best noticer. She would make a great model, like she already has the anorexia and the drug habit. All she does is pick at food, but she can pick at it in such a way that people think she’s eating. She was still staring at the verbs.