How to Make Someone Fall in Love With You in 90 Minutes or Less

by Nicholas Boothman

  • Is it somewhere she’ll feel safe?

  • Is it something she’ll enjoy?

  • Is it somewhere we can talk?

  • Is it different?

  He doesn’t want it to be a normal date—he wants it to be a special event for both of them. Normal is easy, it’s everywhere. He wants this event to have a romantic context.

  Shy, Cautious, and Reserved People

  What can you do if the person you are with is reluctant to talk about him- or herself? You can synchronize. There is no more powerful way to open someone up than by synchronizing body language, voice characteristics, favorite words, attitude, breathing, and timing. This will get you into his or her mood. Take it easy, ask gentle questions, and be patient. Shy, cautious, and reserved people tend to be kinesthetic, so speak his or her language. Remember Jackie from chapter 9’s section on sensory preference? She was kinesthetic and Ben got to her by talking about the way things feel rather than how they look or sound.

  If you are the one who’s a little shy or reserved about revealing yourself, start off slowly—or even better, practice with a friend. Tell him about your vacation or your work; tell her about your hometown or your favorite restaurant. Just describe things that you find interesting. When you start feeling more confident you can start putting more of your personality into it, adding opinions, perhaps about a book, a movie, or the headlines in today’s paper. Once you can do this comfortably, try telling someone how you feel about him or her.

  Mario Makes His Move

  Mario decides to ask Amanda to cycle down to a festival on the waterfront. His choice fulfills all four conditions, and has the added bonus of not requiring his BMW, so he’ll get a sense of whether Amanda likes him just for who he is. (All Mario has told her is that he’s in the toy business, not that he’s the inventor of the Super-Slugger Bongo Bat, the third-bestselling toy in North America that holiday season.)

  Mario has also carefully thought out how to ask Amanda. Here’s what he says: “How about a bike ride down to that street festival on the lakefront this weekend? I haven’t ridden my bike in months so you’ll have to slow down for me, otherwise you’re gonna be seeing me at the clinic instead of the coffee shop.”

  Mario followed certain guidelines in coming up with his plan. By deliberately adding common ground (bike riding) and a hint of humor (his physical condition), he softened the question and made it easier for Amanda to say yes. Romance needs encouragement at the start, so the way you invite someone out is as important as the nature of the outing itself. The more fun, exciting, and unique you can make your invitation sound, the greater the chance of the invitee accepting it.

  The Date

  Mario arranges to meet Amanda at a downtown square where families take their kids to feed the birds. Before they set off, they engage in some small talk.

  “It feels so great to be out on a day like this,” says Amanda.

  “It sure does,” he answers. “I just love the sun on my skin. Hey, nice bike,” he adds, looking at Amanda’s fancy mountain bike. He then turns to face her, smiling, pointing his heart at her heart, and making sure to keep his body language open. “I’m relieved,” he says. “You didn’t bring your racer.”

  She grins, already unconsciously synchronizing with him, then looks at his bike. “Yours isn’t so bad, either. Shimano brakes, good derailleur—I thought you said you weren’t very serious about riding.”

  “Hey, I was going to ride my tricycle, but then I got brave and took out the two-wheeler.”

  Amanda laughs and gives a mock bow. “Well, I’m honored.” They’ve definitely moved from small talk to play talk and Mario’s having fun, so he decides to reveal something personal but not too risky. “Seriously, though,” he says, “I feel great on a bike. I love the wind in my face, and the sense of sailing along under my own steam.”

  Amanda’s eyes light up. “I know what you mean! I’m really happiest when I’m riding.” She has just responded with some low-risk self-disclosure of her own. They mount their bikes and set off.

  Down at the waterfront, they lock up their bikes and stroll toward the festival grounds. Mario, who normally walks at a laid-back pace, picks up Amanda’s brisker walk. “Hey, look at that!” he says. They pause to join a crowd surrounding two guys on unicycles juggling three eggs, a frying pan, and a lit butane torch back and forth between the two of them. Somehow by the end they have three fried eggs in the pan, and are still on the unicycles. “Pretty amazing,” says Amanda. “You know, I’ve always wanted to learn how to ride a unicycle. It’s supposed to be really hard.”

  “No kidding? Me too!” Mario can’t believe he’s gotten in a “Me too” moment so quickly and easily. He really has always wanted to learn.

  “Are you serious?” Amanda leans towards him slightly as she says this and looks directly at him.

  “I am. Of course, I’ve always wanted to learn how to fry an egg as well.”

  Amanda laughs, but Mario notices that she’s no longer leaning toward him; in fact, she’s looking away. Oops. He realizes too late that although the joke was funny, the timing was wrong. Here Amanda had just willingly revealed a little dream of hers, he’d moved things toward greater intimacy with the “Me too” moment, but then he’d pulled the dialogue back by cracking a joke.

  But maybe he can recover from it. He looks at her. She’s now watching a stilt walker who’s approaching in the distance. Mario figures maybe he’ll gamble with some low-risk self-disclosure of his own. “It’s true, you know. When I was a kid I used to love the circus, all of it, but I got a special kick out of the clowns on unicycles.”

  Amanda looks back at him. “How come?” she asks, as if testing to see if he’s serious or just a clown himself, the kind of guy who constantly makes jokes—and that’s all he does. The wind whips a lock of hair into her eyes and she pushes it away.

  Mario says, “Well, I don’t admit this to many people, but. …” He casually brushes hair off his forehead as he says this, mirroring her gesture. “I was a real klutz. The last kid on my block to learn to ride a two-wheeler. Seven years old, still had the training wheels on.” Mario has just revealed a more serious soft spot; he’s moved into medium-risk territory now.

  Amanda looks at him sympathetically. “That couldn’t have felt good.”

  “You got that right. I got teased real badly. So the fact that the clowns could do that with only one wheel seemed like magic. Not to mention dangerous. They were always acting like they were going to fall off. And, of course, I thought it was all ‘real’ danger so I was doubly impressed.” Amanda smiles again and Mario notices that her shoulders have seemed to relax ever so slightly. He makes sure his are relaxed as well.

  “I remember the first time I ever went to the circus,” she says, finally. “I was really young, like three or four, and I cried through most of the clown acts because I thought they were really hurting each other when they bopped each other on the head and stuff. My mother says all the other parents were staring at her like she was some sort of abusive parent, because her kid was bawling and all the others were hooting and hollering.” Amanda is grinning as she says all this, and shaking her head as though at her own silliness, but then she quickly looks down and nervously tugs at her hair again.

  Mario can see that Amanda is feeling vulnerable and a little embarrassed about revealing this particular soft spot. “You must have been a pretty sensitive kid.”

  “I guess.”

  “Did you get teased about it a lot?”

  “All the time. My two brothers were the worst. They used to see who could make me cry the fastest.” Amanda is looking at the ground as she says this.

  Mario feels genuinely moved and vows not to play the clown. “Aww,” he says gently, and then lightly, quickly, touches her arm. “That’s so mean.”

  Amanda looks up again. She seems genuinely grateful that Mario understands. “Anyway, I’m a big girl now.”

  They gaze at each other for what seems like a long t
ime. Mario looks into her eyes, then down to her lips, then back to her eyes. Then he blushes beet red and Amanda gives him a huge grin.

  “So big girl, want an ice cream?” he says as a pushcart vendor goes by. “It’s getting really hot.” Sensing that Amanda is shyer about personal disclosure than he is, Mario has decided to throw in some small talk for a few seconds, to keep things from getting too heavy or threatening.

  “Sure,” she answers, grinning, “but only if they’ve got chocolate. I think vanilla’s just a waste of calories.”

  “I’ll second that,” Mario says, grinning back—another “Me too” moment! Amanda seems genuinely at ease now, so, as he hands her a chocolate ice-cream cone, he says, “You know, I can really relate to your clown story. Not only was I a klutz, but I was a sensitive kid too—it was really easy to hurt my feelings. I think I got over that part, but I’m still a klutz.” Another soft spot revealed. He hopes that won’t turn her off. She’s clearly not a klutz if she competes in bike races.

  But no, she’s still smiling at him. “You don’t seem klutzy to me,” she says.

  Ah ha! thinks Mario, That sounds pretty positive. Then Amanda’s eyes catch something in the crowd. “But even if you are, that’s okay,” she adds mischievously, “because I still cry at clowns!”

  Mario laughs and follows her gaze. Two guys in polka-dot suits and red noses are coming down the path toward them, waving balloons. So they’re back in play talk mode again, Mario notes, and he’s happy to go along. Plenty of time later for more low- or medium-risk self-disclosure. He really likes Amanda. He’s having more fun than he’s had in months. He feels pretty sure they’re clicking. “Quick, run before they start hitting each other!” he yells, grabbing her arm, and they hightail it, giggling and hooting, toward the next attraction.

  EXERCISE: Asking for a Date

  Take a few minutes to think about what, if anything, you know about your date.

  • Where did you first meet?

  • What do you have in common?

  • Where can you go that would be unique and memorable while offering a comfortable environment for conversation?

  • Where can you go that could incorporate your shared interests?

  Now consider your choice of words. Think about:

  • How to bring up common ground or shared interests

  • How to keep your request light and casual by interjecting humor

  • How to soften the request

  List a few ideas for what you might say when you ask for a date.

  Why the Date Is Going Well

  So far, so good. For the first few minutes Mario and Amanda engaged in small talk and play talk, just chatting playfully for its own sake and to discover more about their interests and what they have in common. Once they arrived at the festival, they began to chat about what was going on around them, and from there moved on to childhood memories.

  At least that’s how this normal, innocent conversation appeared on the surface. What happened beneath the surface is that Mario purposely revealed personal information about his own life to encourage certain reactions and responses from Amanda. Mario also very gently synchronized his body language, voice tone, and choice of words with Amanda’s, and before long he steered the play talk into low-, medium-, and possibly (from Amanda’s point of view) high-risk self-disclosures. Yes, he made a misstep with the egg-frying joke, but he recovered, used the incident as feedback, and was still able to take the conversation from casual to intimate, at which point he used some private flirting eye work to show off his sexuality. He was careful not to make another joke after Amanda revealed a more serious soft spot. And, because he now knew she was somewhat shy and sensitive, he steered the conversation back to more neutral small talk (offering ice cream) to avoid giving the impression he was crowding or interrogating her. His strategy worked, because after he then revealed another soft spot, she felt safe and relaxed enough to come back with a fairly high-risk intimate disclosure by making a joke (about crying at clowns) at her own expense.

  Mario purposely revealed personal information about his own life to encourage certain reactions and responses from Amanda.

  Incidental Touching

  If the process of creating intimacy has three gears and the “Me too” trigger gets you into second gear, then incidental touching can boost you up into top gear.

  The persuasive power of touch has been the focus of lots of research. In one experiment at a library, a slight brush of the hand when patrons handed over their library cards was enough to improve that person’s opinion of the library. Another experiment showed that if a waitress touches a patron just briefly when she returns his or her change, her tip will be about 15 percent higher than normal. Learning institutions know that if a teacher momentarily (and appropriately) touches a student, it is likely to result in a better understanding between them.

  The active word here is incidental. This means natural and almost accidental. Grabbing, fondling, pawing, and all other form of gratuitous groping are the kiss of death. Incidental touching is done with the hand and is brief, gentle, natural, and nonthreatening. You may touch the person’s arm or shoulder but never anywhere that’s overtly sexual (the breast, the butt, the inner thigh). This first touch is like a magic wand that can be used only once with full effect.

  Choose your moment with care. Too early and you are a pawer. Too often and it has no impact. Too late and the moment has gone. Your first incidental touch should come around the time you are comfortable with medium-risk self-disclosure—preferably after you have laughed together and leaned in to each other.

  If your well-timed and brief touch on the arm prompts a warm response, you can follow it with an appropriately-timed, incidental touch to the hand. But beware: You are in his or her private space. If this passing touch isn’t reciprocated with an increased sense of intimacy, back off immediately or you are toast. If it is reciprocated, go to a deeper level of intimacy. By now, the self-disclosure should be flowing easily. Wait a short while, then test the mood with another brief yet more deliberate touch to the hand. This may turn into a gentle hand squeeze, perhaps even a momentary handhold.

  The Complete Pattern

  Here’s what the whole conversational routine looks like when you add in the triggers:

  Deeper Self-Disclosure

  Let’s watch another scene unfold. See if you can identify the conversational stages as Elaine and Robert pass through them.

  Elaine is a Boston primary school teacher in her early forties. Three years ago, after 14 years of marriage, her husband left her for a woman who’s ten years younger than she. Elaine’s self-confidence took a big hit, but she’s trying to gain it back because she likes being in a relationship and hopes to find another life partner. She’s determined to approach potential relationships differently.

  Robert is an architect. Never married, he’s had two long-term, live-in relationships but has been single now for almost two years. Elaine and Robert met at the dog run a few months ago, and now they make it a point to look out for each other. She finds him attractive and easy to talk to. In one conversation, she mentioned that she doesn’t have a car, and Robert offered to take her out of the city some weekend. Now Elaine has gathered up her courage and decided to take him up on his offer.

  Elaine Makes Her Move

  “I’ve heard that the village of Marblehead has some fantastic antique stores as well as some pre-Revolutionary buildings. Maybe if we went there you could teach me the difference between a gable and a lintel. “Oh—” She smiles here—“And show me a pilaster while you’re at it. I’ve always wondered what the heck a pilaster is.”

  As Mario did with Amanda, Elaine has chosen a date that includes common ground, is safe, is different, and will allow them plenty of opportunity for conversation, and she’s framed it using some light humor. Robert laughs when she mentions pilasters and happily agrees.

  The Date

  In the car on the drive down, Elaine and Robert engage in sma
ll talk about the weather and their dogs, both of which are contentedly curled up in the back of Robert’s station wagon. “Looks like it’s going to be a great day,” says Robert. “Look at that sky.”

  “I’m glad it’s a bit cool, though,” Elaine adds, “because the dogs will be okay in the car when we go into the shops.”

  “Yeah, they’ll be fine. And there’s a conservation area just outside of Marblehead where we can let them run.”

  “Well, I wouldn’t call what Bertie does ‘running,’” says Elaine.

  Robert chuckles. Bertie is Elaine’s laid-back and slightly overweight basset hound, whose long, heavy body and stubby legs don’t exactly make him a sprinter. “Well, he’s soulful, and hey, his legs reach the ground. That’s all that matters.”

  Elaine laughs. “Bertie and Clara together make a pretty funny couple.” Clara is Robert’s elegant, long-legged Weimaraner. “People will think she’s only with him for his money.”

  The small talk and play talk continue as they drive into Marblehead; then, as Robert parks the car, he says, “I’m thinking of adopting a greyhound from one of those greyhound rescue organizations. They get them from the racetracks.”

  “Really?” says Elaine. She sits up straighter and turns her head to look at Robert as he turns off the ignition and faces her. “I just read an article about one of those groups, and I almost phoned them up yesterday to do the same thing. I couldn’t bear the thought of so many of those dogs being destroyed simply for lack of homes.”

  He looks up at her. “You did? That’s amazing!” He rubs his chin thoughtfully. Elaine suddenly realizes that what just happened was a “Me too” moment, and she didn’t even have to work at it. Elaine casually mirrors his gesture, and she too touches her chin lightly as she says, “As a matter of fact, I have two rescued cats at home that I got from a cat rescue group.” This is a bit of very low-risk self-disclosure, or so Elaine thinks.