“Hey, you didn’t tell me you had cats!” says Robert. He gives her a mock look of disapproval. “You’re supposed to be a dog person!”
He says it lightly, but Elaine feels that suddenly the connection has been broken. Maybe Robert really hates cats? She has to find out. “Well, of course, I’m a dog person,” she says, throwing a fond glance at the snoozing Bertie, “but I’m a cat person too.”
“But cats are sooooo not dogs!” exclaims Robert. “They’re so unaffectionate and self-centered.” There’s some kind of soft spot here—more like a little patch of quicksand, thinks Elaine, judging from the intensity of Robert’s reaction.
“That’s—” Elaine, who has a bit of a quick temper, is about to say “That’s ridiculous!” but stops herself just in time. Instead she decides to choose a more upbeat attitude and play it more calmly and diplomatically. “That’s what a lot of people think,” she says, keeping her voice pleasant. They’re out of the car now, and standing side by side on the sidewalk, but Robert’s body language seems somewhat closed, his arms tight at his sides. “In fact,” continues Elaine, making sure she’s now facing Robert, heart pointed at his heart, “I used to be like you—I used to hate cats!”
This is medium/high-risk self-disclosure, but it seems to have done the trick, probably because it also included common ground. “I never said I hated them,” says Robert, his posture softening. “It’s just that every cat I’ve ever met has either snubbed me, used my briefcase as a scratching post, or peed in my boots.”
“Ah,” murmurs Elaine as they begin to walk down the main street, “the true origin of the Puss’n Boots legend!” Robert laughs. Good. A little play talk can’t hurt here, she figures.
“So how did you go from hating to owning them?” asks Robert.
“We always had dogs growing up,” says Elaine, “and my parents didn’t like cats, so I didn’t either.”
“Hmm,” says Robert. “Just like my family. We always had dogs too. My dad thought cats were nuisances.”
“But,” continues Elaine, “one day a cat chose me. Just showed up on my porch yowling in a huge snowstorm. I’m not heartless, so I put a box with blankets on the porch and gave it some food and water. Well, it just purred and purred and rubbed up against me.”
“They do that when they want something.” Robert’s expression is amused, but Elaine can tell he’s still not convinced.
“But this one did it all the time! Fed or unfed. He just won me over. He loved to cuddle in my lap and followed me around the house like a dog! And when he died, I was heartbroken. It happened around the same time some other things were going badly for me. …”
Elaine considers mentioning her husband leaving her, but decides that information is too high-risk at this point in the relationship. This is not just a soft spot, it’s a sore spot, so instead she’ll use something medium-risk. “… And I have to admit I was at a pretty low ebb. Then I saw an ad for a cat rescue group. I called them, and the next thing I knew I had two tabby kittens. And you know what, you just can’t stay depressed with two kittens in the house.”
“Well, I agree that kittens can be cute. The trouble is, they grow up to be cats.” Robert laughs, but his head is tilted away from Elaine.
She can’t believe he’s so closed-minded about cats! Something else must be going on with him, and she wonders if it’s too early to probe. Closed-mindedness in any area makes Elaine nervous, so she wants to find out more. “Hey, it sounds like maybe you had a bad experience with a cat in a past life or something,” she says lightly, as they pause to look in an antique store window.
“Well, as a matter of fact, you’re right.” Robert’s voice drops and he looks away from Elaine. “That cat that peed in my boots belonged to my ex-girlfriend. I swear she loved that cat more than she loved me. She was totally neurotic about it, and the cat was neurotic too.” Ah ha, thinks Elaine, now we’re getting somewhere. Robert has just revealed a sensitive area!
“Let me see if I can figure this out.” Elaine drops her voice a little as well. “Animals are pretty sensitive, you know that. The cat was probably jealous, especially if you didn’t try to make friends with it. And let me guess: It was a male, and it peed in your boots when things were going badly with your girlfriend.”
Robert looks at her and laughs. “Exactly right! You must be psychic.”
“No, I just know cats. They’re much more complicated than dogs.”
“You mean like women are more complicated than men?” Robert’s tone is slightly challenging, but he’s grinning and looking relaxed.
“I swear she loved that cat more than she loved me.”
Elaine grins back. Play talk is good for now. “Hey, I didn’t say it! But relatively speaking, dogs are simple and cats are complex. Attention and food—from just about anyone—that’s all dogs are about. Much as I love them, I don’t find them very discriminating or subtle.”
“Kind of like men?” Robert asks, his eyebrows shooting up.
“You know,” Elaine says, smiling and raising her eyebrows slightly as she briefly touches the sleeve of Robert’s jacket, “complicated can get exhausting. A lot of the time I just want simple.”
They both start to laugh, and Robert takes a deep breath. “You’re funny,” he says. “I like that in a woman. Even one with cats.”
Why This Date Went Well
If you look back, you’ll notice that from the get-go Robert set an upbeat tone, saying, “Looks like it’s going to be a great day.” Elaine picked up on that and ran with it in her practical way: “I’m glad it’s a bit cool, though, because the dogs will be okay.” As their lighthearted remarks about the two dogs’ looks ushered in some play talk, Robert moved into low-risk self-disclosure with free information about adopting a greyhound. Elaine was so stunned at the coincidence that she didn’t entirely capitalize on a superb “Me too” moment. Saying “Me too” lets you inject magic. You can pause when you deliver it, punctuate it with a shift in voice tone or attitude, and in this case she could have even touched his arm “incidentally.”
Nevertheless, she did let him know they had some very specific common ground. Whether it was conscious or not, the discovery of this common ground had Elaine synchronizing herself with Robert as she touched her chin and told him about her cats. This turned out to be high-risk and not very well thought out, since many people equate a pet’s characteristics with its owner’s—not a good thing considering Robert’s low opinion of cats.
Hats off to Elaine, however, first for controlling her temper, second for picking up on her faux pas, and third for a superb attempt to realign herself with Robert using open body language and her little “I used to be like you” speech.
These mildly strained moments are bound to happen. Elaine inadvertently upset the balance and was gambling that her mixture of animal logic and human emotion could get them back on track. Luckily, she was able to get Robert to volunteer information that explained the reason for the tension. It worked. Robert was beginning to see the intelligent, patient, and caring side of this schoolteacher, and he found it appealing. And Elaine was seeing the kind, reasonable, and slightly vulnerable side of this architect, and she found it very comforting.
It’s a Matter of Perspective
Who said 90 minutes is not much time to get to know someone? True, if you um and ahh and fill the space between pregnant pauses with small talk and shallow pleasantries, it’s not enough time. Likewise, if you ramble on and bore each other to death, or sit there and say yes and no and make no effort to truly converse, it can seem like an eternity. And if you are rude or shifty or bossy or pretentious, your date will want to stop the clock at 90 seconds and make a dash for the door.
But when you find common ground, pay attention and share your thoughts; you are going to know a lot more about each other after an hour and a half than you did at the outset, and will likely be able to say, “I feel like I know you so well. Where did the time go?”
If you’re with someone you
really like and you’ve let the real you come through, using your body, your attitude, your voice, and your words in a natural and easy way, you have prepared the ground for love.
If you have spent 90 minutes with a matched opposite demonstrating that you like each other, you have prepared the ground for love. If you have used your body, your attitude, your voice, and your words in a natural, easy way to engage in mutual self-disclosure, you have created emotional intimacy. If you have found “Me too” moments, touched in a natural way, and spent some breathtaking moments gazing into each others’ eyes, then you have planted the seeds of true love.
Turn Awkwardness into Opportunity
If you accidentally stumble into a delicate area with another person, use the information as important feedback. Tread lightly, probe gently, know when to back off, and synchronize like mad to reassure the person that you’re sensitive and trustworthy, and aren’t going to use the information in any harmful way.
11
Getting to love
True love is a unique blend of attraction, intimacy, commitment, and romance. It’s utterly personal and happens a little differently for every couple. For some, the moment it strikes is easy to pinpoint; for others, it’s less obvious. Some notice a definite moment when suddenly everything changes; for others, it’s more of a flow, a gradual tide of change. Emotional people tend to admit love more quickly than their more rational counterparts, even if the seeds were sown at the same time.
So how do you get from intimacy to love? Up until now I’ve offered very concrete techniques. These techniques—adopting a great attitude, flirting, synchronizing, self-disclosure—will bring you to the brink of love, and often beyond. The momentum of two people coming together and discovering they are matched opposites is frequently enough to carry them through to love. But if we’re going to discuss how to turn an inspiring attraction to and connection with someone into true love, we need to move away from the practical step-by-step approach into a more philosophical realm.
One Thing Leads to Another.
Growing up, I got rejected more times than I care to remember. Thank goodness. Otherwise I wouldn’t have found the dream relationship I have today. At the time, though, I thought I was unlucky in love. Then I came across this little parable.
A wise old farmer owned a trusty horse. One day the horse ran away into the hills. The villagers all rushed over and said, “Oh, what bad luck your horse has run away!” The farmer replied, “Bad luck, good luck, who knows?”
The next day, the horse returned from the hills and brought with it five beautiful wild horses. The villagers came to him and said, “Oh, what amazing good luck you have, now you’ve got lots of horses!” “Good luck, bad luck, who knows?” said the farmer.
The next day, the farmer’s son was thrown from one of the wild horses he was training and broke his leg. The villagers came around again and said, “Oh, what bad luck—now your son can’t help you out around the farm,” and the farmer said, “Bad luck, good luck, who knows?”
The next day the Emperor’s army came through the village and took away all the able-bodied young men to go fight in a war. They left behind the farmer’s son, because he had a broken leg. The villagers rushed over and said …
I think you get the idea. One thing leads to another. You meet, you date, it doesn’t work out. Don’t take it personally. Instead say, “Good luck, bad luck, who knows?” This is not passive or lazy thinking; on the contrary, it takes effort and awareness. It’s another step on the path to your matched opposite.
If You Love Something, Set It Free
There’s a beautiful Taoist saying that I urge you to reflect on for a day or two. It goes, “Free from desire, you marvel at the mystery. Caught in desire, you see only the manifestations.” It’s about not judging things by the way you expect them to be.
When you know what you want and have done all that you can to get it, step back and allow events to unfold. If you do this, you’ll get more than you could have ever imagined. But if you try to force your desire, all you can see is whether you are getting it or not. It’s like trying to force an egg to hatch or a flower to bloom. Instead, you must let go and let life and love transpire in their own creative, surprising way.
Love doesn’t happen on command. It’s a process that flows, it’s a seed that grows, it’s a spark that turns into a flame.
It’s about having faith in yourself, in life, in the person you love. Love is infinitely more surprising and exciting than you could ever imagine—but only when you give it the room, the support, and the opportunity it needs to unfold. Love doesn’t happen on command. It’s a process that flows, it’s a seed that grows, it’s a spark that turns into a flame. All you have to do is try to be ready for it—put your best self forward, then let go and marvel at the mystery.
Mario and Amanda
Let’s go back and see how love happened for Mario and Amanda.
“We said goodbye promptly at 6:00,” Mario told me. “I was a bit troubled because toward the end of the date Amanda started to change. She was getting irritable and impatient as we got closer to saying goodbye. But we’d clicked. I could actually see it in her eyes. It was like her soul had opened up and I could fall right inside her through her eyes. We told each other what a great time we’d had, but she was acting more and more nervous and excited at the same time, so I took your advice: I didn’t force it or jump to conclusions. I asked her if we could meet again. Then she floored me. ‘Not for a week or so,’ she said. It took my breath away and it must have shown. She promised to call me. We hugged—well, actually she hugged me real tight and said, ‘It’ll be fine,’ and off she rode. I wanted to feel crushed, but I didn’t go there—thank goodness.
“The next three days were awful. Then on Thursday at work, by absolute fluke, I happened to be at a window overlooking the parking area and I saw someone slip something under the windshield wiper of my car. It was Amanda. I shot down the stairs a flight at a time and flew out the side door, but she’d gone. Hell, was I ever shaking. As I walked quickly over to the car, I was thinking I must have been hallucinating because even if she’d figured out where I work, there’s no way she’d know my car. But there was an envelope taped under the driver’s side wiper. Inside was a gift certificate from the coffee shop where we met. On the back was handwritten one word and a phone number. The word was ‘When?’
“Now, I thought. Right now, this moment.” Mario sat back; he had almost finished his story.
“Anyway, I called, and the rest is history. We met again, it was bliss, we’re married, we’re mad about each other, and we’re having a baby in December.”
I congratulated him and we chatted about family life and kids for a few minutes, but then I had to ask him a question. “Back up a second. The last thing I heard before all this was you were ready to feel crushed.”
“On our date, Amanda told me she’d been seeing this hockey player, not exclusively, but certainly for quite a while. When we got together she told me she had wanted to deal with that before we met again.” We talked a while longer, and Mario told me a waiter at the coffee shop had pointed out his car to Amanda so she could leave the note. Then he and I said our good-byes. I agreed that Wendy and I would be there for the baby’s christening.
Mario knew the seeds had been planted, he knew they’d clicked, and he knew everything was in place, but he also knew not to interfere with the natural flow—even though it hurt like hell. Sometimes you have to simply trust that everything will work out and just let go. By setting things free, you allow them to align themselves in perfect time.
Elaine and Robert
Elaine and Robert both longed for companionship but, after experience with failed relationships, were more cautious than Mario and Amanda. Elaine in particular had been bruised by the unraveling of her marriage and now found herself single and lonely. She longed for the companionship and security that came from being with someone special, but she wasn’t about to leap into anything before tak
ing a good long look. Robert, too, was treading lightly; he regarded his two unsuccessful relationships as personal failures. Still, despite their cautious outlooks, both realized they had found something special in one another. They could laugh together, run with their pets together, and talk together.
Along with the thrill of new love comes the potential for heartbreak.
Elaine confided, “When we first got talking at the dog run in the park, I remember thinking, ‘Where did the time go?’ It was like that every time we met; there was never enough time. Robert made me feel it was okay to dream again. He’s very organized and he got me thinking straight—my life seemed to add up to something more than just the day-to-day routine I’d got stuck in. On our second date he told me he felt sparks fly—nice bit of medium-risk. That really woke me up. I’d never have guessed by the way he acted. I almost told him that’s the kind of thing I thought I’d never hear again, but that would have been too high-risk for me. Still, we took it slowly. We dated for six months before talking about love, and two more after that before talking about moving in together.”
After almost a year of friendship and more than ten months of dating, Robert and Elaine moved in together. Two years later they pooled their resources, relocated, and opened an antiques shop in Rockport, not far from Marblehead, where they spent their first date. Today they are inseparable.
Some folks are more cautious than others. Along with the thrill of new love comes the potential for heartbreak. Some people choose blithely to follow their heart and hope for the best; others want to be sure that they’re on solid ground before throwing their lot in together. Both attitudes have their merits—it all depends on your circumstances. The main thing is to be open to love, to allow it to happen in a way that feels comfortable for you.
How to Make Someone Fall in Love With You in 90 Minutes or Less Page 20