Actions Speak Louder than Words
Truly matched opposites can fall in love in 90 minutes or less, given the opportunity to build trust and achieve emotional intimacy. That doesn’t mean they come right out and say it as the clock strikes 90. Some do—they process their feelings into words, then thoughts, then actions quickly; they are emotional and spontaneous. Others take longer to process their experiences into words and want to live with a feeling for a while before expressing it. When you find your matched opposite (or he or she finds you), the seeds of love are there waiting to be triggered. Don’t expect to say or hear “I love you” in the first 90 minutes if it’s not in your (or your partner’s) nature to articulate feelings so quickly. It’s enough to know that profound sense of well-being, of trust, of happiness, of relief.
If you don’t want to articulate your feelings, you can look for the telltale physiological signs that what you’re experiencing is mutual. Are his or her pupils dilated? Face flushed? Breath a little shallow with excitement?
Falling in love triggers changes in the body as well as the mind. The sexual impulses that shoot up the spinal cord into the brain stimulate involuntary contractions and relaxations of muscles. The body releases dopamine, endorphins, estrogen, oxytocin, norepinephrine, and testosterone. The glowing complexion, the excited breathing, and the dilating pupils are physiological indicators of sexual arousal.
Love at First Dance
If Elaine and Robert are examples of people who took their time making sure their relationship was strong, Larry and Anita represent the opposite approach. Both were members of a singles club for people who enjoy horseback riding. Larry was working his way up the management side of a record company, and Anita ran the reference library for a law firm.
Every Sunday the club put on a cowboy singles night. One of the rules at this event was that the women invited the men to dance and the men weren’t allowed to refuse. One Sunday night in September, Anita invited Larry to dance—twice. Anita sensed some real chemistry, and so did Larry. They left the dance separately, but both returned the following week. This time Anita invited Larry to dance three times, the maximum number allowed. During their last dance Larry asked Anita out for lunch, and she accepted.
Larry chose his date well, asking himself the four questions from chapter 9—Is it somewhere she’ll feel safe? Is it something she’ll enjoy? Is it somewhere we can talk? Is it different?—and came up with an idea for a unique, special, romantic occasion. He arranged for them to meet at the stable where he boarded his horse, rent a mount for Anita, and then ride a trail through forest and meadow to a lakeside restaurant that welcomes riders. It’s about two miles from the stables to the edge of the forest, where the restaurant sits between the pines and a lake.
In Anita’s memory, they had a perfect date. “Lots of conversation and chemistry,” she told me. “After we got back to the stables we untacked the horses and brushed them down. It must have begun with the brushing and the smell of the horses and the sound of Larry’s voice. I could hear him talking gently to his horse as he ran the brush along its neck. I got this floaty feeling of well-being. Everything was peaceful and where it should be. I don’t know if that makes sense.”
“Perfect sense,” I said.
“As we walked up the path to our cars, I could still hear the horses in the distance and smell the lake. Larry stepped aside to let a truck go by and as he did his hand brushed against mine. It felt very big, where he touched me, and very deep. I got this warm rush up my arm—to my heart, I guess,” Anita continued. “Then I did something that was so out of character for me but so natural at that moment. I stopped and put my hand on Larry’s arm and said, ‘Can I ask you a question?’ He raised his eyebrows, nodded, and gazed at me—right inside me. I swear he knew what I was going to say next. ‘Does it get any better than this?’ He didn’t say anything for a few moments, then he let his breath go and smiled. All he said was, ‘Oh, my.’ Then I heard myself say, ‘Where are we going with this?’ He looked confused so I added, ‘You and me.’ It was easy; it just seemed like the right thing to do, a sort of epiphany. Then Larry said, ‘How about married within a year?’ All I could do was laugh and say, ‘Holy cow!’”
That was nine years ago. Today, not only are Larry and Anita happily married, but they run a successful market research company and work, commute, travel, socialize, and play together.
Keeping Love Alive
Love is not a destination, it’s a process, a journey. But how do you keep your love alive and special throughout that journey? Romance. You make gestures to show him he’s the most important thing in your life. You pay attention to her and take action to show her the romantic fires are burning. Romance is the art of expressing sentimental love. At its simplest, it is amorous gestures toward the one you love; at its best, it is deliberately creating wonderful memories that serve to form a foundation of specialness on which you build the loving relationship of your life. This comes from the stories you create together. Stories you tell to yourself, to each other, and to other people.
Danika and Eric met online. Here’s their story—in their words.
“I was 38 and twice married,” Danika began, “divorced once, and then widowed. I was tired and sad, but still determined to find true love and the life partner I had been seeking for so many years. I posted a flattering but realistic photo and an upbeat, but not too forthcoming, profile on an Internet dating site and hoped for the best. I went on a series of dates, made some friends, kissed a couple of frogs who remained frogs, and held out for a man who would meet my short but concise list of criteria: brilliant, hilarious, sexy, kind, solvent. After three months, I received a query from Eric.
“He seemed bright and reasonably good looking, so after exchanging a couple of e-mails I asked him to call. We had a date, and then another, and still another. It wasn’t love at first sight for me, but I found something compelling about this man. He was very self-contained. He was not the typical wounded bird to which I was usually drawn. He wore nice shoes and ordered the tasting menu and called when he said he would. One day, over Chinese food, we were sharing a laugh about something, and Eric leaned over and kissed the top of my head. Inexplicably, this moved me. I felt cherished and wanted to open the door to my heart to him. Eric stepped in and, remarkably, just a few short months later revealed himself to be my soulmate. Two years later, blissfully in love and having eaten and laughed our way across several continents, we got married and are busy living happily ever after.”
Eric’s take on their story fans the sparks of love into a flame.
“Being just over 40,” he wrote, “I had been in enough relationships to know what I did, and did not, want. I would not settle for a woman who was scared by the unknown. She had to be smart, funny, curious, and love food. I was looking for a doer. From Danika’s profile, I could sense that she was sophisticated, but I needed to hear her story. On our first date, she ordered a cheeseburger and a Scotch. She was as fearless in her conversation, and I was immediately smitten. What got me was her ‘this is who I am, no apologies’ approach to life. Her past was not as important as how she dealt with it.
“As a photographer, I look at a lot of pictures. There is more information to be gleaned than just the beauty of the subject. You can see so much in a profile picture. I asked ‘Why did she choose this one? What does she want me to know about her? I see a woman with style and taste, a reader, an old soul. She must have known that she looked good, but it is a good photograph, too. Knowing that she was smart enough to choose that picture was appealing.”
• • •
Romance grows in the imagination, conjuring up pictures, sounds, feelings, smells, and tastes. Romance grows with the telling, but the fires of romance need food for this all-powerful imagination.
Oleg asked Anna if she’d mind coming along to a local marina with him after work one evening. He had to deliver something to a friend who was sailing in from across the lake that afternoon. He picked her up a
nd they drove together. Oleg took a soft canvas sports bag out of the trunk and they walked over to the transients’ dock, but Oleg’s friend hadn’t arrived yet. He suggested they sit on the dock, dangling their feet in the water. As they sat in the sun on the gently rocking dock and waited, Oleg said, “You know this is the exact spot where we met a year ago?”
“Yes, I know.” Anna replied, and wrapped her arms around him. After a few seconds Oleg unzipped the canvas bag. Inside was a bouquet of yellow roses, a bottle of champagne, two glasses, and a plate of hors d’oeuvres. “There’s no friend,” he confessed, smiling. “Happy first anniversary.”
• • •
Antonio, who ran a small art gallery, had met Susan, a teacher, almost a year ago when he’d gone with a group of friends to a performance by the Mexican National Ballet Company. Since then, Mexico, Mexican food, and all things Mexican had become romantic notions for them.
One sunny afternoon, as Susan led her class out of a field trip to the National Gallery, she saw Antonio waiting on the sidewalk, holding a “Happy Birthday, Susan” sign across his chest. With him was a five-piece mariachi band that he’d hired, trumpets and all. Susan is auditory; she is especially moved by the way things sound. That was 15 happy years ago.
• • •
Hats off to Gerard for the unforgettable way he popped the question to Dina. After a romantic dinner at a lakeside restaurant on Georgian Bay, he took her out in a rowboat to watch the sunset. Just as the sun was sinking below the horizon, he presented Dina with a ring and asked her to marry him. There were tears and hugs as she said yes. Dina didn’t notice the flashlight Gerard had in his hand. As they hugged, he surreptitiously switched it on and waved it toward the shore. It was the signal for three of his friends to set off the $220 worth of fireworks he’d brought in, lighting up the sky and reflecting off the lake around them. What a sight it was. Dina is visual—she can be especially stirred by the way things look.
• • •
Romance is probably the opposite of common sense, but sometimes it’s worth throwing practicality aside to show the one we love how much we care. The best romantic gestures require thought and effort. (What does an e-mail greeting card say about the sender’s commitment and resourcefulness?) But that thought and effort are usually well worth it in terms of keeping the relationship vibrant and happy.
Jeanette blew all her savings to take her race car enthusiast boyfriend to see the Monte Carlo Rally. They are getting married next year. Kayla had seven wild pairs of boxer shorts delivered to her boyfriend by courier on Valentine’s Day, when he was away on tour.
Think of your love as a fire you must tend with enthusiasm every day. Each of you needs a pile of logs. Those piles don’t have to be the same size, but over time you both have to contribute to keep the fire glowing. When the flame burns bright, it brings warmth and happiness and you can play in its glow, but if you take the fire for granted, it’ll go out and you’ll be out in the cold, alone. Feed the fire every day. You can give flowers or other surprise gifts, rent a favorite film, read to each other, write little love notes, or just have a cup of tea ready when one of you arrives home on a rainy day. The possibilities are endless. Keep your stories burning brightly.
Putting It All Together
Love happens differently for everyone, but the process is the same. Find your matched opposite, plant the seeds, water them, and watch them bloom. Or, make some sparks, create a flame, and keep it burning—whichever metaphor works best for you.
To get to this point you’re going to need to use all the techniques and skills you’ve learned, so let’s review them.
Everything begins and ends with attitude. It’s what people respond to even before they meet you. You can choose your attitude just like you choose your clothing. And remember, not only does your attitude drive your behavior, it affects the behavior of the person you’re with, too. You can use your attitude to signal I’m nervous, I’m shy, and I’m aloof, or you can use it to signal I’m fun, I’m confident, I’m available, and I’m here.
Dress to be your best self, the you that’s happy, confident, resourceful, and ready to meet any challenge. Your clothes send a message. The better you dress (and I don’t mean more expensive, but rather well coordinated, well fitting, well maintained, and stylish), the better the quality of attention you’ll get and the better you’ll feel about yourself. Sex appeal comes from attitude and body language, for sure, but it also comes from the pants, skirts, shirts, blouses, shoes, and accessories you choose, as well as the way you do your hair.
Socialize and entertain. Your matched opposite is out there. Finding him or her is a numbers game. Get out and meet as many people as you can. Ask friends and coworkers to make introductions. Focus on improving your social skills and cultivating your friendships. Get involved, make plans, follow through, be friendly.
Use your body to signal you are open and trustworthy. Be charming. Nothing says trust and approachability like eye contact, a smile, and open body language. Of all the parts of your body you can use to transmit signals of attraction, the eyes are by far the most important and capable of the most subtlety. Use them to convey your interest and to create intrigue. Look into your date’s eyes for a few seconds, then to his or her lips, then back to the eyes.
Flirt socially. Hold eye contact a little longer than normal, look away, then look back. Men and women, the more you move with poise and grace, the more interesting you appear. Women, you can also use your body to promise and withdraw, to say I’m available—maybe. Guys, get in touch with your male energy and learn to swagger. Women, get in touch with your female energy and learn to saunter. Not in a way that’s over-the-top, but just enough to let people know you’ve arrived and you are confident.
Nothing says trust and approachability like eye contact, a smile, and open body language.
Create chemistry and rapport with your conversation and your synchronizing skills. Appeal to your date’s preferred way of taking in the world (Does he or she talk more about the way things look, sound, or feel?) and find common ground. Nothing helps build good feelings like synchronizing body language and voice characteristics.
Make your date a romantic and memorable special event. Make it somewhere you can talk and your partner will feel safe, something he or she will enjoy, and something beyond the everyday.
When the moment comes, flirt privately. Crank up the sexual vibes with your words and your body language, especially with your eyes. Get intimate with play talk, small talk, and self-disclosure. Exchange truths and confidences in your tête-à-tête to create emotional intimacy. Synchronize, relax, enjoy, and move your relationship to that beautiful feeling of mutual clicking. Look for “Me too” moments and touch incidentally.
Be romantic. Romance keeps a loving relationship alive. The next time you see one of those couples that seem to be crazy about each other—the ones that act like newlyweds, but you know they’ve been together for years—check out how they interact. I’ll bet they romance each other every day, as their stories grow.
Romance doesn’t just make you feel good in the moment. It creates memories for the future—memories that bind, memories that elate, memories that energize, memories that keep you young at heart, memories that make your love special and unique and storybook-like, memories that make your relationship together worth hanging on to and fighting for in the tough times.
workbook
your imagination station
What do Hollywood, holiday brochures, and most of the world’s religions have in common? They use the imagination to capture the hearts and minds of the populace. When I use the word capture, I mean it literally. Most of us are unwitting prisoners, in one way or another, of our own imaginations. It is the strongest force any of us possesses—infinitely stronger than will power. An out-of-control imagination can ruin your life—it can literally frighten you to death. But if it is under control it can work miracles, because the imagination is the key to the emotions—not only our own
, but those of our matched opposites as well.
Eighty percent of the time, people haven’t got a clue why they do what they do. They make their decisions based on their emotions, even though they think they’re being rational. When it comes to making emotional connections, the drab, the boring, and the predictable leave the imagination cold, whereas the stylish, the interesting, and the spontaneous leave it dizzy with delight and hungry for more.
By completing these exercises (and you’ll be guided all the way), you will gain a precise vision of what you want your love life to look like, along with a collection of simple words and sentences that you can use to rapidly evoke emotional intimacy when you meet the right person.
Your Imagination
It’s a fact of life that the more vividly you can imagine something–the more real you can make it in your mind–the more likely you are to get it. Your senses are the key to your imagination. That means in order to find your dream relationship, you should spend time thinking about what it will look like, sound like, and feel like–and even how it will smell and taste too, if you can. One helpful way to do this is to make a vision board.
A vision board is simply a bunch of images and words that you cut out from various magazines and glue onto a piece of cardboard. But they’re not just any old pictures and words–they’re illustrations of how you imagine your love life as you want it to be.
All you’ll need is a large piece of poster board (you can pick one up at a crafts or stationery store or at a big-box store like Wal-Mart or Target), a pair of scissors, a couple of colored markers, some glue, and a stack of different magazines. The magazines can be new or used, but at least half should be magazines you wouldn’t normally read–maybe even a few foreign-language publications. Before you start snipping away, find yourself a quiet spot with enough space to work. Get comfortable and make sure you won’t be disturbed.
How to Make Someone Fall in Love With You in 90 Minutes or Less Page 21