by Kylar Wilde
“Start with a meal and go from there. Some girls want a relationship first before they jump into bed with someone. It’s not a bad thing and I am really looking forward to seeing how all of this plays out.”
“I bet you are.”
Jeff had been waiting years to finally tell me I told you so. I never believed he would ever get to say those words to me, but now I wasn't too sure. I guess it would depend on how my friendship goes with Elle.
7
Elle
I downed my shot and I welcomed the burn from the whiskey. I couldn’t help but think how dangerous it was to have a bar just around the corner from the hospital. Well, dangerous for me, great if you owned the bar. I swore to myself that I would try and get a handle on my drinking, especially after my little drunken mistake. Yet, here I was, back in the same bar drinking. If I could just freaking sleep without waking up screaming, that would be great. Just one night of nothing but pure sleep, that’s all I needed. When I had first got back to the States, I would drink the day away. It was the only way to make the voices in my head stop. To stop the screams that were constantly echoing in my head. Whiskey was the only thing that worked The problem with that, you could only drink so much before you quickly became an alcoholic dependent on the whiskey. I didn’t want that. So I had no choice but to slow down and stop. Now when I drink it was at night, after a shift when I needed to sleep. Tonight was one of those nights.
“We meet again.”
I looked up and saw Derek as he went and sat down beside me. The last time we were at the bar together, we ended up sleeping together. I was not going to let that happen again. I wasn’t going to be making the same mistake twice.
“Dr. Hawkins,” I said with a nod.
“Are you ever going to call me Derek? I mean, we’re not at work right now. It would be weird if I called you Nurse Walker. Can we go with Derek and Elle now?”
Derek had been very civil over the past two weeks. He didn’t push for more than I was able to give him. Some days it would just be a nod in the hallway in passing and other times it would be short conversations. He never pushed for a date. He never tried anything with me in a sexual manner. He was respectful and allowed me to have the time and space that I needed. Something I deeply appreciated.
“Hello Derek,” I said with a smirk.
He gave me a warm smile. “Good evening, Elle. How are you?”
“Fine. Yourself?”
“Good. Had an easy day. How are you liking neuro?”
“It’s good, but I prefer cardio over neuro. I just find it more interesting. Next week I am on the general surgery floor, so I’ll see how that goes. I am hoping it will be more interesting than neuro. I like seeing different surgeries and being prepared for anything unexpected.”
“Yeah, I get that. Neuro can be pretty repetitive at times. General has a lot of different surgeries that can be complicated. I think you’ll like it. If you want, I can have you on my service more so you can focus on what you find the most interesting.”
“Maybe. I like floating around and seeing the different patients, hearing their stories.”
“Think about it. Any particular reason you are drinking on a Wednesday night?”
“I could ask you the same thing.”
The last thing I wanted was judgment. I wasn’t on call; I could have a few drinks and go home. I can drink at night and still get up in the morning for my shift. What did it matter that it was a Wednesday and not a Friday?
“I wanted to see if you were here. I’ve been a little concerned about you the last few days. You’ve been looking a little run-down and tired. I know you probably don’t want to talk about it, which I understand, Quinn is the same way. But you don’t have to suffer alone. If you ever need someone to sit with you and talk or not talk, I’ll always be there for you.”
I could hear the sincerity in his voice. I was doing my best to ignore how it made me feel inside. It had been a long time since I’d had someone there in my corner with me. Not since I was in the army. I missed that feeling. Having someone there with you, someone that you could talk to or someone that just sat there next to you knowing that you just didn’t want to be alone. Sometimes something so simple was what got you through the worst times.
“I appreciate that,” I said with a small smile.
Derek ordered us another drink and I was still worried that this night would turn out like last time. I was going to be making sure it didn’t and I was hoping he would as well.
“Drinking to forget?” Derek asked without any judgment.
“To sleep.”
Derek gave a nod and I could tell this wasn’t surprising to him. He had told me about his brother Quinn, so I suspected that he had been exposed to this from his brother.
“Quinn?” I asked, and was glad that he understood my meaning.
“Oh yeah. You know when he came back that last time, I thought I would never get my brother back. That he’d died overseas and a shell came back in his place. I have to admit that I didn’t handle it too well at first. It was a shock. He drank a lot, he had really bad insomnia. I mean he was terrified to sleep. He kept seeing memories play out and he would get trapped in these horrific nightmares. I made the mistake once, when I was first there for a nightmare, of touching him to wake him up. He was still asleep, but his eyes popped open and the next thing I knew I was on my back and his hands were around my neck. I was able to get him to snap out of it and he didn’t talk to me for three weeks after that. He felt terrible, so terrible that he left for three weeks before I found him sleeping on the streets.”
“I’m sorry.”
It was not unheard of at all. A lot of vets have a really hard time adjusting back to civilian life. There wasn’t someone there to help guide you through the process and the V.A. could only do so much.
“It’s okay, he’s doing better now. I got him to come back home and we worked through it. I started to see parts of who he used to be before the war. He fought so hard to survive over there and now he fights to stay here. He’s getting better, we still live together. I’m not ready for him to be on his own yet and he doesn’t seem to want to be on his own. He still has problems with PTSD, but he’s working through them and he got counseling for the bulk of his issues. Now he’s a detective and he’s doing a lot better,” Derek said proudly.
“Good, I’m glad for him. It’s hard adapting to the change of civilian life. You have to remember social rules and not just the rules you followed for so long. It’s different, most people don’t understand that. It’s good that he’s working and a detective, that’s impressive.”
“He worked hard and I couldn’t be prouder. My point, though, is that I get you wanting to drink so you can sleep. But I think you know, that will only work for so long before it becomes a problem. Have you spoken to a counselor about what happened to you?”
Derek kept his voice gentle and I could tell he was worried about how I would react to the suggestion. With some people it wouldn’t go over well, but I understood the need to speak to a professional when you were going through something. To me though, it wasn’t needed. I knew what the counselor would tell me, I didn’t need to sit on some couch and talk about my feelings. I just needed sleep and to keep busy.
“I don’t need to. I’m fine. I got out alive with all of my body parts. I’m good.”
“You know PTSD is an injury. You can’t see it physically, but it does come back on brain scans. It’s nothing to be ashamed of,” Derek said gently.
“I don’t have PTSD. I’m fine, okay? I just need sleep, that’s all. Lots of people have a hard time sleeping, that doesn't mean something is wrong with them,” I said with an edge to my voice.
“Okay, I didn’t mean anything by it,” Derek said, holding his hands up in a false surrender.
I hated it when people told me this or that was wrong with me. I was fine. I survived, I made it through to the other side. So what if I had trouble sleeping or an issue with people seeing my scars? T
hat’s not unheard of. It takes time for people to get used to new scars and I had a lot of them to get used to. And not sleeping happens to people all the time. That didn’t mean something was wrong with me. I still went to work, I still paid my bills. I was fine.
Derek’s hand on my hip was the only thing keeping me from falling over at this point. He had long stopped drinking, but I kept going. As a result, he was now helping me get into my apartment.
“Okay, there we go. Where’s your bedroom?” Derek asked.
“That way,” I said, pointing to my right.
Derek guided me down the hallway and into my bedroom. I very gracefully plopped down onto my bed, happy to no longer be moving. Derek bent down in front of me as he spoke.
“You okay?”
I didn’t care for the caring tone to his voice right now. I didn’t want anyone to care about me. I was an army of one now, I didn’t want to drag anyone else down the rabbit hole with me.
“Fine. Gonna sleep.”
“I think sleep would be good. Do you need help getting changed?”
“Trying to get me naked again?” I teased.
He gave a warm chuckle. “You caught me. I can’t stop thinking about how good you look.”
“It’s not good, not anymore. Too many scars now.”
If I hadn’t been so drunk, I would have been able to keep the words from coming out of my mouth. Unfortunately when I was drunk, words that needed to stay inside came spilling out.
“You know my brother, he has scars too. Not like you, but from bullets, stab wounds, explosions and for the longest time he wouldn’t let me see them. Even when he was healing from them within our home. He hated it when I saw them. To him they were proof of his weakness, his failures. He hated them and everything they represented to him. And it would drive me insane that he wouldn’t let me help him. I’m a doctor, to me scars are nothing but markings on a body.”
He placed his hands gently on the side of my neck, his thumbs touching my jaw.
“I’m going to tell you what I told him. Scars are not proof that you are weak or that you failed. They are proof that you survived. That you went through something, lived and came out stronger from it. When I look at you, I don’t see some woman with ugly scars. I see a warrior who has survived war multiple times and came out stronger. Your scars aren’t ugly to me, they are beautiful, just like you are.”
I could hear how sincere he was being. He meant every single word that he spoke to me and it caused my eyes to tear up. I never expected anyone to ever look at me that way, to ever say those words to me. I thought I would be spending the rest of my life miserable and alone. Derek was making me feel like maybe I didn’t have to. Maybe there was someone out there that could fall in love with me, scars and all. But could I really let him be that man? Could I really let myself be open to the possibility of love and marriage one day? Yes, a date was a long way away from marriage, but didn’t it all start off with a date?
“Elle, I can’t get you out of my mind. You make me want to know you more, so I would really love the opportunity to take you to dinner and build something with you. But only if that is what you want and it’s not something that needs to be decided tonight. It would be better for you to think it over when you are sober. Just know that I’m always going to be here for you. Now, you need sleep and I know the perfect trick to help make sure you sleep. Let’s get you changed first.”
Derek got up and he went and grabbed me a change of sleep clothes. With his help I got changed and did everything I could to not look at any of my scars. If he noticed, he didn’t say anything. I then crawled into bed, but what happened after was not what I was expecting. Derek removed his clothes, down to his t-shirt and boxers and got into bed with me.
“Relax, I’m just going to hold you. I used to do this with Quinn when he couldn’t bring himself to close his eyes. Sometimes you just need someone else there with you to help you get over the fear of closing your eyes.”
“Okay,” I said softly.
I wasn’t too sure how I felt about being held. I used to be a cuddler, but then after everything that happened I quickly got out of it. Still, if it would help me sleep, why the hell not at this point. Derek curled up behind me and pulled me into his arms. I curled up against his chest and just focused my attention on his hand running through my hair. Before I knew it, I was falling asleep.
8
Derek
Lying here holding Elle in my arms felt better than I ever wanted to admit. I wasn’t a cuddling type of man. I kept my hookups very simple. Sex, then leave, no cuddling and no breakfast. We were coming together for one thing, and one thing only. Yet, with Elle, I found myself rather enjoying holding her in my arms. Maybe Jeff was right, maybe it was better to have a connection with someone that lasted longer than an hour. Maybe Elle was changing me into a better man. I had no idea why she was affecting me more than any other woman I’d come across. It was probably because she wasn’t like any woman I’d ever met before. She was special.
The slight moan and twitch from Elle pulled my attention out of my thoughts. I could tell she was beginning to have a nightmare and I didn’t want to leave her trapped in it. I figured it would be better to snap her out of it early before it got too bad. I moved so I was more sitting up and looking down at her. I placed my hand on her shoulder and gently shook her, as I called out her name.
“Elle, baby wake up.”
I thought she would just startle awake like everyone else. Only I should have known better; Elle wasn’t like everyone else. I barely just finished calling out to her when her eyes snapped open. The next moment, her right fist came hurtling at my left eye. The blow was a lot harder than I would have expected. It knocked me back and I landed on my ass on the bed.
“Oh my God. I am so sorry.”
I could hear how sorry she was in her voice and how shocked she was. She was not expecting it to be me that was waking her up.
“It’s okay. I’m an idiot.” I said, and I really meant it when I said I was an idiot.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know it was you.”
“I’m okay, really. It’s not your fault. I know better than to do that. I learned my lesson with Quinn and I foolishly made the mistake in thinking that an army nurse was not as deadly. One I will never make again. Elle, I’m fine.”
I lightly touched my left eye and I knew it was going to bruise, something that would be very interesting tomorrow at work. I was sure Jeff was going to have an opinion and a joke about it. Elle moved her hand and lightly pushed mine away so she could get a better look at my eye. I felt her touch very softly against my skin and it brought a warmth to my body. Her touch seemed to have this effect on me. I didn’t know why, but even just the simplest of touches from her sent this heat all throughout my body.
“I’m sorry, I never meant to hurt you,” Elle said softly.
“It’s okay, stop with the sorries. I will be okay. I’m more concerned about you. That sounded like a bad nightmare.” I moved my hand and put a strand of her hair behind her ear.
“It was nothing.”
“Didn’t sound like nothing. Do you want to talk about it?” I asked gently.
“No.” I could tell by the way she said it that there was no room for negotiations.
I wished I could get her to open up to me. I could tell she needed to talk about it, but she was holding back. If I had to guess, I’d say she was afraid of opening that box. I knew from Quinn that opening the box is one of the last things you want to do, because once it’s open, there is no closing it again. All of that pain and the memories flood back to you and it can be overwhelming, destructive.
“Okay,” I simply said. I couldn’t force this, it had to be her decision on when she was ready for it. All I could do was be there for her.
“You don’t have to stay, you know. I would understand if you wanted to leave. I’m not exactly a simple girl.”
She was giving me an out, and I appreciated it, but I didn’t want it
. I knew she wasn't simple. I knew that the second I saw her eyes. She was far from simple and she had baggage, but don’t we all?
“I’m not looking for a simple girl. I’ve had simple and it was good for a week or two. I don’t want simple. I want you. I care about you. I know you have demons; I don’t care. I don’t care if you need to drink to sleep. I don’t care how many times I get hit from waking you up. I’m still going to be right here lying next to you, holding you, and here for when you are ready to talk. I’m not in this for the sex, though it was amazing from what I can remember. I’m here because I genuinely care about you and I think we could have something amazing together. I want to take you for dinners and see movies. I want to walk holding your hand and kiss you goodbye. I’ve never wanted any of that before in my life, but I do with you. Because you are just that special.”
I meant every word I said too. She quite possibly could be the one for me and I was not about to let her out of my grasp. I could see a mixture of emotions playing across her face. I had no idea what some of them even meant, but I could tell she was trying to sort them out herself. Before I think she even realized what she was doing, she was closing the gap between us and kissing me. I was shocked for only a second before I kissed her back. Placing my hand on the back of her neck, taking control of the kiss. I still couldn’t believe how amazing her lips felt against mine, how good she tasted. The last time we had done this we were both drunk and most of it was fuzzy to both of us. That was not how I liked to do things. The first time I’m with a woman I like it to be special and memorable. Definitely something everyone remembers. It was never the drunken mess that our first time together was. Though, if we hadn’t had sex that night, we might never have reached this level, so I couldn’t say I regretted it.
Elle easily allowed me to take control of the kiss and I slowly pushed her back so she was flat on the bed once again. I covered her body with my own and allowed my free hand to sit on her hip. I wanted to go further, but I also wasn’t sure if this is what Elle wanted. We continued to kiss for a few minutes before I pulled back so I could look her in her eyes. I needed to know if she wanted me to go further before we continued. If she wanted to only stick to kissing, I was happy with that, but I needed to know.