by Kylar Wilde
“Do you want to stop?” I asked.
Elle moved her hands down to my boxers and ran her fingers down the front of them as she spoke. “No.”
That was all the confirmation that I needed. My mouth consumed hers once again as she continued to rub her hand along my boxers. Her touch was maddening and I needed to feel her skin against mine once again. I made quick work of removing her shirt, pulling mine off in the process and then my mouth was back on her body. Kissing her neck and down to her chest.
“Der.” Elle moaned.
I kissed all over her torso, kissing every single scar that I came across. I was going to make sure she knew and felt that I thought she was beautiful. That the scars meant nothing to me. As I did this, I made sure to ignore what my mind was telling me about what had made them. This wasn’t the time for it, that time would come when Elle was ready to reveal those stories. This was about a different type of connection.
“Der, I need you.” Elle moaned.
I could tell she was getting worked up; so was I. I quickly relieved us of the rest of our clothing before I reached over to the pocket of my pants and pulled out a condom. I didn’t put it on right away though. I was going to be enjoying every inch of her first. As I worked her body, Elle continued to moan and arch into my touches. I knew she was reaching her climax and I wanted to be inside of her when that happened. Quickly rolling the condom on I slid inside of her hot core. I couldn’t contain the groan that escaped my lips as I was surrounded by her. Very slowly, inch by inch I was swallowed up by her core.
Elle pulled me down and locked her mouth onto mine. I didn't move my hips, allowing her some time to adjust as we kissed. When I felt that she was ready I began to move. She wrapped her legs around my hips and I knew she was ready for more. As our bodies moved together, I could feel our needs rising. I couldn’t believe how amazing it felt to have her surrounding me. I felt like we were connected, like our bodies were one. I had never felt anything like this before and I never wanted it to stop. Our moans filled the room and I felt Elle’s legs trembling around me. It was not long before she was screaming and clenching around me. I followed right behind her and soon the only sound in the room was our heavy breathing as we fought to catch our breaths.
I placed my forehead against hers as I tried to get my body to calm down. I was still pulsing and in no rush to move away from her warmth. I could tell Elle wasn’t ready for me to move either, as her legs were still holding on to me pretty tight. After a moment I finally decided to be the one to make the first move and I rolled off from her. I forced my legs to move to dispose of the used condom and toss it into the trash in her bathroom. I headed back and saw that Elle had the most beautiful smile on her face.
“That was definitely better than last time,” she said.
I gave a slight chuckle as I crawled back into bed. “Agreed, but I can’t really remember last time so that might not be fair.”
“I can’t really either. This was definitely better because this I will always remember,” Elle said warmly.
I wrapped my arms around her and I was pleased that she curled up onto my chest. I covered us with the blanket and then ran my hand through her hair.
“I guess this means you’ll be staying for breakfast,” Elle said.
“I guess so. I don’t think I’ve ever done breakfast with a girl before. But I do make a great omelette.”
“Yum. You can cook then.”
“Always. Just so you know, I plan on taking you to dinner and movies.”
I could feel Elle smile against my chest. “You better.”
I couldn’t help the huge smile that spread across my face. Finally, we were getting somewhere.
9
Elle
Walking into work the next morning with Derek by my side was an interesting experience. We were trying not to make it seem like we were together, not that I knew if we were together.
I still wasn’t sure what came over me last night. One second I was punching him in the face after a nightmare and the next, I was kissing him. There was just something about him. Something that made me want to feel. I’d gotten used to feeling numb for the most part of my day. I went to work and through the motions of my job and then I’d go home and watch mind-numbing shows before trying to sleep. It was always just this gray fog around my mind, something I needed during those long months I spent in that cave. If you were numb then you couldn’t feel and if you couldn’t feel, they couldn’t hurt you. It was a coping method, I knew that, but what I didn’t know was how good it could be to feel again. Derek made me want to feel and that was both exciting and terrifying.
After all these while, it was terrifying to let someone into my world. To trust that he wouldn’t take my secrets and use them to his advantage. To hope that he would stick by my side instead of abandoning me after we were officially together.
And now there was actually this someone out there that would make opening up seem less terrifying. I had built walls around me to protect myself, to numb myself. Those walls weren’t just keeping my feelings out; they were keeping my darkness locked inside. They had been keeping me in place.
I could already feel these walls crumbling. No, it wasn’t Derek breaking down my walls, chipping the bricks one day at a time. It was me. I had willingly deconstructed those walls. It was my choice. I couldn’t date someone that I hid my darkness from. I couldn’t build a life with someone that I was afraid to be honest with. I needed to date someone that made me feel comfortable. Someone that I could open up to about anything. Someone that wouldn’t accuse me of overthinking, but would nod his head to show me that he understood. I figured I would never experience the ecstasy of true love if I shut everybody out.
And wow was the sex an ecstasy too. God, it was amazing. I’ve had amazing sex before, but with Derek, it was beyond amazing. It gave the word amazing a whole new meaning. I didn’t know why I kissed him first, but I didn’t regret it, not even for one second. I knew it wasn’t technically our first time together, but I barely remembered the first time and last night felt like it was our first time, but didn’t at the same time. It’s weird, because it kind of felt like reconnecting. Like we’d had sex for years and it was just another Wednesday night for us. I couldn’t help but wonder if this is what people say about finding their soulmate. Some claim that it is like finding someone that you just met but feel like you’ve known them your whole life. It felt like Derek and me were just reuniting after one of us was away for a while. Like I went to war and finally came home to him. It was all so weird and wonderful at the same time. I’d never felt like this before. I didn’t think I could ever feel like this. I thought all of those people were crazy and that there was no such thing as soulmates. Yet, after last night, I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe I’m the delusional one and not them.
I couldn’t even tell you the last time I’d slept in a man’s arms. The last time I sat across from someone at the kitchen table in the morning and had breakfast. I had gotten used to being in the army and that way of living. Always being called away without much notice, never knowing if you were going to make it home or not. I never really thought about a life where you could go home to someone at night. Where you could go out for dates and have a good time. I didn’t think I was still having trouble adjusting to civilian life, but apparently, I was. Derek pulled me out of my thoughts by placing a hand on my forearm, stopping me from walking.
I turned to face him and did my best not to grimace at the sight of his black eye. It wasn’t swollen at least, but you could definitely tell he was punched. I hated that I had put a bruise on him and it had taken a long time last night for me to fall back asleep afterwards. I was so afraid that I would have another nightmare and hurt him worse next time. Derek assured me that he knew better now and would wake me up the way he wakes Quinn up. I was very lucky to have someone in my life that seemed to care enough about me to overlook what had happened. To overlook the scars and my demons.
“I’ll see y
ou for lunch maybe?” Derek asked.
“I should be okay for lunch. I don’t think there’s any surgeries that I’m expected to be in until after lunch.”
“Perfect, I’ll text you and you can let me know. Have a good day.”
Derek gave me a peck on the lips before he started to head off. I gave him a warm smile as I then turned and headed off for my own department. I almost made it to the stairs before Christi found me.
“Oh-em-gee! Did I just see Dr. Hawkins kissing you?”
The goofy smile on her face made her look like she was deranged. I swear, she needed to get laid and then maybe she would mind her own business and stay out of mine. Yes, Derek had kissed me, but it was just a quick little peck, it wasn’t like we were making out in the lobby.
“Yes, he gave me a small peck. Shouldn’t you be manning your station up on his floor?”
“I’m on lunch, early shift. So spill, when did you guys start bumping uglies together? What’s he like? Is he as good as the other girls say?”
“I don’t talk about my love life with people. Especially people I barely know.”
“You barely know me because you refuse to let anyone get close to you. Seriously, why the need for the Great Wall of China around you all the time?”
The happy bubbly tone that Christi always seemed to have disappeared. It was like I was seeing Serious Christi and honestly, it was weird. Seeing someone go from being sparkly not two seconds ago to now all serious business was just odd. I had no idea how she was able to switch her emotions so easily. I had a hard-enough time figuring mine out, let alone being able to just switch them like that.
“I’m just not good with the whole friend making thing. I like to keep my personal and professional lives separate, that’s all.”
“You just kissed your professional life. Kinda already mixed the two there, honey. Would it kill you to have a friend at work? If you are worried about my mouth and the gossip divas, don't be. I know how to keep a secret just as much as telling them. We will play by strict Priest rules. I am your confession booth and I have no right to hold judgments or release your confession to the public.”
I looked at Christi for a moment and I could tell she was serious. I didn’t see any lies within her eyes. After Derek pulled me out from my numbness and switched on my mode to feel, I started tearing down the walls around me bit by bit. Christi was reaching out with an olive branch and if I shot it down, I would be the ass. Letting out a sigh, I playfully rolled my eyes.
“Fine, but just so you know, I know how to kill someone ten different ways without ever being detected.”
“Damn, scary you. Okay deal, out with it.”
“It was good. Real good. Like eating Devil’s Food Cake for the first time.”
“Damn,” Christi said dreamily.
“Yup, that good,” I said with a smug smirk.
“I hate you now. Okay, so are you guys like a thing or just having some fun? Because he’s never kissed anyone here before. He always keeps everything separate. He doesn’t even walk in with the other girls.”
“We are dating, but it’s new. We just started last night. We both have a past and he accepts mine and I accept his. I don’t know what will happen, but hopefully something good will come from all of this.”
“Hm. You know I’ve always told the other girls that no man is a player for life. All it takes is him finding the right girl that steals his heart. You just might be that girl Nurse Elle Walker. But do you want to be that girl?”
“You know, I think I do,” I said with a warm smile.
“Good, because I think you two together would be really good. And just think how adorable the babies would be,” Christi said with a bright smile.
“Let’s take it one step at a time here. I don’t need to be planning a wedding and picking out baby names just yet. I’ll settle for dinner reservations.”
Christi laughed. “Fair enough. I know some great places too.”
I gave her a true smile. I had to admit, it did feel nice to have someone to talk to that wasn’t Derek. I had missed being around the other women in the army. There was just something about having a group of girls around. Maybe it was time I settled down and created my own life here. After all, it wasn’t like I had to worry about being shipped out. I could build a life here and not have to worry about leaving it.
10
Derek
I was startled awake by a set of moans echoing within the room. I looked over at Elle and saw that she was having another nightmare. It had been two weeks since we started to date and I had noticed that she was often plagued by nightmares when she wasn’t going to sleep drunk. Her drinking now made a lot of sense to me. The problem was getting her to stop drinking every night. We had been working on it though and she was getting better. There were still plenty of nights when she needed a few drinks in her to get her mind settled enough to even lie down, but it was an improvement. I made sure to never push her too hard or demand more than she could give. I knew from Quinn what this process was like and I wasn’t going to jeopardize her healing because I thought it should be different.
The biggest problem was the fact that she had PTSD, but she was refusing to accept or admit that she had it. She was adamant that she wasn’t suffering from it and to this day I still didn’t know all that had happened to her. I didn’t know if she was one of the Forgotten Ones or not. I knew she needed time so I was giving her as much time as she needed. I knew from Quinn and dealing with his PTSD that it took time and eventually she would come to terms with it and start working on making it better. If she had been one of the Forgotten Ones that escaped capture, that was only less than a year ago. It was all still fresh to her and she needed time.
I wrapped my arms around her, something that seemed to work best when waking her up. I made sure her fists couldn’t hit me and I called her name to wake her up. It took a few tries, but eventually her eyes snapped open and she struggled for a moment in my grip.
“Shh, it’s okay, it’s okay. It’s just me babe.” I kept repeating that she was okay until her breathing calmed back down and she was able to focus on the present and not the past.
“Der?”
“I’m right here babe. You had a nightmare, that’s all.”
“It felt so real,” she said, with tears building in her eyes.
“Shh, it’s okay. You’re safe here with me.” I placed a kiss on the side of her head as she curled up against my chest and cried.
I knew it had to have been a bad one for her to react this way. She never cried after a nightmare. She’d never allowed me to hold her after one. The fact that she was, that she sought out comfort, meant it was bad, but it also meant she was trusting me more and more with herself. Something that warmed my heart.
“I thought I was back there. In that cave,” she said between sobs.
And that was all that I needed to get confirmation. She was one of the Forgotten Ones, and she had been tortured. I could feel a mixture of anger and hurt invading my chest. I wanted nothing more than to kill every single one of those bastards that had ever laid a hand on her. I wanted to keep her safe in my arms for the rest of her life.
“It’s okay, you’re not there anymore. You are safe right here in my arms, in your apartment. You’re okay.”
“I can’t keep doing this. I don't want to do this anymore. I can’t keep seeing it. I just want it to stop.”
“I know you do. But babe the only way to make it stop is if you get the help that you need. You need to accept that you need help. I promise you I will be there every step of the way, but you have to take that first step. If you really want the nightmares to stop, you gotta take the first step.”
I kept my voice calm and understanding; I didn’t want her thinking I was pressuring her into therapy. I knew I couldn’t and I knew it took time. Hell, I couldn’t even get Quinn into therapy yet and it’s been three years. Only Elle could decide when she was ready to get help. I continued to hold on to her as her tears
slowly stopped. After her breathing was back under control, she tilted her head up to look at me.
“Okay, I’ll speak to someone.”
“Are you sure?”
I was so relieved that she wanted to talk to someone about what she was going through. It was a huge step in the right direction for her mental health.
“I’m sure. I don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t do this anymore.”
“Okay, then we’ll fight this together. I’m always going to be here for you, no matter what. We’ll beat these demons together,” I promised.
She gave me a soft smile and I could tell she was exhausted, as the nightmares always drained her. I kissed the top of her head and just allowed her to go back to sleep. I knew she had a long road ahead of her, but I didn’t mind. I was going to be there for her through it all.
11
Elle
I just finished washing up the dishes from dinner with Derek when there was a knock at my door.
It had been a week since I agreed to go to therapy and Derek had been amazing with me. He came to all of my appointments so I wouldn’t feel like I was alone; it meant the world to me that he would take time out of his busy schedule—and I knew it was busy—to be there to offer his support. I knew it was going to be a long process for me, but I was finally ready to get on the road to healing from the mental trauma that I had endured during my three months of captivity. I wasn't ready to go into detail about it and Derek completely understood that. He made sure I had full control over the conversation and whenever I needed to stop, he didn’t push for more. It meant a great deal to me that he was being so patient and understanding with me.