All the Days of Her Life

by Lurlene McDaniel

  “I was thinking I’d like to take you out sometime. Would you say yes?”

  “Ask me and see.”

  “How about Saturday night? There’s a party at a house on South Beach. It should be a real blow-out.”

  She would have preferred a simple movie date, a quiet evening of one on one. “I’ll go with you.”

  He grinned. “I’ll pick you up at nine.”

  They talked over a few more plans, then she got out of his car and into her own. Once he’d driven away, Lacey sat and stared out over the metallic hood of her car feeling … hollow. Somehow, she’d always thought that having Todd ask her out would be a red-letter moment, but now that it had happened, she felt deflated and let down.

  Lacey wished she felt better physically because that would make her feel better emotionally. “You’re just wiped out,” she said aloud. Suddenly, an overwhelming urge to go to the bathroom hit her. Quickly, she shoved the car into gear and headed out of the parking lot, hoping that she could hold it until she got home.

  “You looked pale and tired, Lacey. Maybe going to this party tonight isn’t such a hot idea.” Lacey’s mother eyed her daughter speculatively. “And you look thinner too. I think you’re overdoing things with school and the play.”

  To keep from screaming, Lacey took a deep breath. “Mom, I’m fine. I look pale because it’s winter and haven’t been out in the sun, I look thinner because I am thinner. I’m trying to knock off a few pounds before spring and bathing suits come back into fashion.”

  “Is that wise? I mean, you have discussed this with Uncle Nelson, haven’t you?”

  Lacey had not consulted her mother’s brother, of course. He’d never approve of Lacey’s juggling of her insulin doses, but she couldn’t tell her mother. “I might have mentioned it on the phone.” Lacey hated to lie, but she liked the way her body was looking and her clothes were fitting and didn’t want to spoil it.

  “Well, just so long as he knows what’s going on.”

  Lacey eyed the clock. They were standing in the kitchen, where the table was piled with one of her mother’s work projects. Todd was late and Lacey kept wishing he’d hurry up and come for her. “I can handle my diabetes,” she declared. “Haven’t I been doing it for years?”

  “It’s a mystery to me why you even have diabetes,” her mother groused. “I don’t know for sure, of course, but I doubt it came from my side of the family.”

  Lacey ignored her mother’s subtle swipe at her father. “I didn’t wish it on myself, you know.”

  Her mother glanced up, surprise stamped on her face. “I didn’t say that you did. Goodness, who would? I’m simply concerned about you and want to be certain you’re taking good care of yourself.”

  “Well, don’t be. It’s my problem, and I’m handling it.”

  “You have an appointment next Friday with Uncle Nelson. His office called to remind us.”

  Inwardly, Lacey groaned. She couldn’t go for her regular three-month checkup next Friday. Her uncle would discover what she was doing and make her stop. “I won’t forget,” Lacey told her mother, deciding that she’d call her uncle’s office on Monday and reschedule the appointment for the following month. Surely by then she’d have lost all the weight she wanted.

  Mercifully, the doorbell rang. “Todd’s here.” Lacey called, hurrying to the front door.

  “Don’t be too late,” her mother called after her.

  Lacey pretended not to hear her. She’d stay out as late as she wanted. She was sick and tired of adults telling her what to do!

  The party was in full swing when Lacey and Todd arrived at a soaring modern house of white stucco, glass block, and jutting decks of concrete set with Spanish tile. A live band blasted out the newest hits, and people crowded in rooms and on winding stone staircases. The back of the house faced the beach, where a partial moon glimmered down on a rolling surf. The night was cool but pleasant, almost balmy, heavy with the scent of salty surf.

  “Have a beer,” Todd yelled, thrusting a bottle into Lacey’s hand. She didn’t want it, but she didn’t want to appear uncool either. She took a few deep swallows, trying to disguise her dislike of the bitter taste.

  “Who’s party is it?” she asked above the music.

  “Don’t know. I got an invite from a friend of my brother’s. He’s in college.”

  Lacey could tell that it was an older crowd. She didn’t know a soul except Todd and missed the familiar faces of her high school friends. “Anybody else we know going to be here?”

  “Not hardly.” Todd grabbed her hand. “Let’s go find something to eat. I’m hungry.”

  She wasn’t, but she tagged along after him, dodging people. In the dining room, a glass-topped table stood laden with food. Chairs had been pushed against the wall and dark hardwood floors gleamed under a spectacular chandelier. Todd grabbed two plates and heaped them with food. “I can’t eat all that,” she said.

  “Come on, this stuff’s great. Don’t be like Monet, always whining about calories.”

  Lacey stiffened. The last thing she wanted was to be compared negatively to Monet. “I can probably outeat you, buster,” she quipped.

  Todd grinned. “That’s more like it.”

  The beer had gone to her head and the smell of the food was making her nauseated. She had to go to the bathroom too. Why hadn’t she given herself a little more insulin before her date? She wouldn’t be feeling so queasy, or thirsty.

  “I’ll be right back,” she told Todd, and set her plate down. He gave her a questioning look. “I need to find the powder room,” she explained, and hurried off.

  She found the bathroom, then she decided to go outside and get some fresh air. She hoped it would clear her head and calm the queasiness. The night air was invigorating, and the music wasn’t so blaring.

  She gazed at the surf, then at the moon. “It almost looks like you could walk to the moon, doesn’t it?” a voice said beside her.

  She turned and stared dumbstruck at Jeff McKensie.

  Seven

  “WHAT ARE YOU doing here?” she asked as soon as she could find her voice.

  “A frat brother dragged me.” His gaze appraised her. “How about you? Isn’t this a little out of your high school league?”

  Miffed that he would remind her she was too young to fit in, she said in her frostiest tone, “My date brought me. I didn’t know I needed your approval.”

  He threw up his hands and backed off. “Whoa! Don’t go for the jugular. I’m surprised to see you, that’s all.”

  “I didn’t expect to meet anyone I knew, let anyone you,” she said. “You took me by surprise too.”

  “So where’s your date?” Jeff glanced about, but the only other people on the terrace were couples in embraces.

  “He went for something to eat.”

  “Since you’re alone temporarily and since we seem to be the only people out here without our lips locked, how about going for a walk along the beach with me?”

  “I shouldn’t.”

  “Why? If your date snaps his fingers, do you have to jump?”

  “I’m not anybody’s lapdog. I just think it’s a courtesy not to run off with another guy. Call me old-fashioned.” Yet, as she spoke, she spied Todd through the glass doors dancing with a tall redhead.

  “Then I’ll walk by myself,” Jeff said, starting down the steps.

  She watched Todd and the redhead nuzzle each other’s necks and felt jealousy, then anger. Why would Todd do such a thing? “Wait, I’ll come with you,” she told Jeff, losing any sense of loyalty toward Todd. “I’ve always liked the beach at night.”

  “Even if you have to see it with me?”

  “That’s not nice. I have nothing against you.”

  “You avoid me like the plague.”

  By now they were walking along the shoreline, dodging the softly rolling waves. “I tried to explain to you that it’s nothing personal. Besides, by now I figured you’d be knee deep in girlfriends.”

&nbs
p; “Why would you think that?”

  “Well, you’re attractive and—” She interrupted herself because she hadn’t planned to tell him any such thing.

  “Tell me more.” He’d stopped walking and caught her arm.

  “Don’t let it go to your head.”

  “Wouldn’t dream of it.”

  She could see his eyes sparkling in the moonlight, and she was furious with herself and at him for being able to get to her so quickly. “I’m going back to the house.”

  Jeff’s hands traveled up her arms and took hold of her shoulders. She pulled against his insistent tug, and met resistance. “I keep thinking of this past summer, Lacey. I keep remembering the woods around Jenny House and the fireworks.”

  “The fireworks were great on the Fourth of July,” she whispered, feeling snared by his gaze. Her heart hammered in her chest, and she felt powerless to move away from him.

  “I wasn’t thinking about those fireworks.”

  “What other ones were there?”

  “These,” he whispered, dipping his head downward.

  When his mouth touched hers, Lacey felt transported to the woods of North Carolina. The scent of the sea faded. The sound of the surf receded. Her arms floated effortlessly around Jeff’s neck, and a slow-melting fire flowed through her veins. She rose on tiptoe and gave herself to the kiss. To the sensations pulsing through her. His lips felt warm and strong, the kiss burning and fiery on her skin.

  When it ended, she could feel him trembling. She heard him take a deep breath as he leaned his forehead against hers. She could hardly breathe, and she was afraid to move, as if movement would shatter the magic world surrounding them like glass. “I didn’t think lightning could strike the same place twice,” he mumbled.

  She hadn’t thought so either. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. She wasn’t supposed to feel this way about him. But she did. Nothing had changed since the summer. He could rock her to the tips of her fingers and toes with a kiss. “It’s only chemistry,” she said. “I’ve heard about such things.”

  Jeff pulled away and looked deeply into her eyes. “It’s more than chemistry, and you know it.”

  Lacey felt overwhelmed by emotion. Suddenly she wanted to cry, to weep uncontrollably, and she didn’t know why. “No,” she insisted. “This kind of stuff happens only in romance novels.”

  “It’s because I’m sick, isn’t it?” he said flatly.

  His question so caught her off guard that she stammered, “I—I don’t k-know what—”

  Jeff stuck his hands in his pockets and stepped aside. A wave splashed over the tops of Lacey’s shoes, soaking her feet and leaving them chilled. “I know the signs because it’s happened to me before,” Jeff said. “I like a girl and then she finds out I’m a bleeder. Instant turnoff. But you knew from the beginning, Lacey, so I thought it didn’t matter to you. But it does matter, doesn’t it?”

  She went hot and cold all over. It was as if he’d shone a light into some secret part of her heart and something dark and ugly had crawled out. She had rejected Jeff because she didn’t want a sick boyfriend. She’d said as much to Katie at Jenny House. “It’s any sickness, Jeff. It’s mine too. I hate it all. I know it’s not your fault, but it’s not mine either.”

  “I’ll bet no one at your school knows you’re a diabetic.”

  She said nothing.

  “I’m right, aren’t I?”

  “It’s none of your business.”

  “You know, Lacey, you’re the person who won’t accept that you have a disease. Why is that?”

  She whirled on him. “How can you ask me that when you’ve just admitted that girls drop you once they discover you’re a bleeder? You of all people should understand why I keep my little secret.”

  “I don’t like being a hemophiliac, but it’s what I am. I can’t be responsible for girls who can’t handle it. Who can’t see past the illness and accept me. I do know that I have some pretty incredible friends who know about my problem and who care in spite of it. Give people a chance, Lacey. They just might pleasantly surprise you.”

  “I’m not that way,” she said. “I can’t go around telling people that I’m sick. I’m not sick. I manage my diabetes just fine.”

  “Get over it. If they’re really your friends, it won’t matter. And if it does matter, then they aren’t the kind of friends you need.”

  “I’m not going to stand here debating this with you. I’m handling my life just fine and I don’t need any pointers from you. I don’t want anything to mess things up for me this year.”

  “Such as me,” Jeff added with finality. “I get the picture.”

  Emotionally, she felt wrung out. Her blood sugar was high too, she could feel the semiqueasiness in her stomach and an ache in her head. Much too high. “I should have never taken this little walk with you, Jeff. Whenever we’re together, we end up fighting.” Just like my parents, she thought but didn’t voice.

  “I’ll walk you back to the house and see that you hook up with Mr. Wonderful.”

  “Todd’s not Mr. Wonderful. He’s just a guy.” A guy who didn’t care, who’d never care about her, the way Jeff did, the inner voice reminded her.

  Once they returned to the party, they discovered Todd guzzling beer with a group of guys, oblivious of Lacey’s presence. Lacey stared in dismay. She certainly didn’t want to be in a car with a drunk driver.

  “The guy’s too smashed to take you home,” Jeff told her. “I’ll take you.”

  “You don’t have to—”

  “What will you do? Hitchhike? Call a cab?”

  Knowing she didn’t have many choices, Lacey nodded. “All right.”

  “Are you going to tell him you’re leaving?”

  She looked at Todd, at the beer oozing down his chin, at his arm draped around the shoulder of another girl. “He won’t notice. Let’s go.”

  During the drive home across the causeway spanning Biscayne Bay, she and Jeff didn’t speak. Once he parked in her driveway, she reached for the car door handle. He pulled her hand away. “Don’t be so skittish, Lacey. I’ll walk around and let you out. You’re not my prisoner.”

  When he took her to her front door, she stood for a moment, shifting awkwardly from foot to foot. “Thanks for the ride. I did need one.”

  “I hope you heard some of the things I said to you tonight.”

  “I know what I’m doing, Jeff. What’s right for you isn’t right for me.”

  “And I don’t mean anything to you, do I?”

  “You’re my friend.”

  “Big deal.”

  She couldn’t back down now. She couldn’t let him know how she really felt about him. It would ruin everything. “We were friends at Jenny House. We’re friends now. What’s wrong with friends?”

  He shook his head. “Because I don’t want to be your friend. I want more than that. Time is short for me, Lacey. I never know from day to day if I’ll have a bleeding episode, or if I do, if I’ll make it through. You’re wrong if you think I’ll settle for only being your friend.”

  “You’re wrong. We are friends. If you go to the hospital, I’ll visit you. All you have to do is call me.”

  He pinned her with a hard stare. “You do whatever you want. You always do anyway. Like I said, I’m not holding you prisoner.”

  She watched him disappear into his car in the moonlight. You’re not my prisoner, he’d told her. She felt tears brim in her eyes. He was wrong about that.

  Eight

  “WHERE’D YOU RUN off to Saturday night?”

  The question came from Todd, who’d cornered Lacey in the prop room Monday after school and before the start of play rehearsal.

  “I’m surprised you noticed,” Lacey said breezily, hoping to disguise the sense of ambivalence she felt toward him. She was still attracted to him, but she didn’t want him to think he could walk all over her.

  “I noticed all right.” He caught her arm. “And I don’t appreciate it. When I take a girl out, I e
xpect her to stay with me and go home with me. Someone told me you left with another guy.”

  “And I expected you to stay with me at the party. I saw you hanging all over some redhead at one point, and I figured I’d been replaced.”

  “Well, you figured wrong. I was just dancing with her. But so what? You didn’t have any right to leave with somebody else.”

  Lacey gave him a frosty stare and pulled her arm free of his grip. Her knees were shaking, but she sensed that Todd was used to getting his way with girls and she didn’t want to simply be another trophy for him. “So sue me. I went home with a guy I already knew because you were blotto and I don’t ride in cars with blotto drivers.”

  “I had a few drinks. Maybe if you had a few, you wouldn’t be so uptight all the time. What’s the matter with you anyway? Don’t you know how to have a good time?”

  There was plenty she could say about why she didn’t drink—everything from “It’s illegal” to “I don’t like the taste.” Naturally, the foremost reason was her diabetes, and she’d never volunteer that information. “Why do you think it’s impossible to have a good time unless you’re drunk?” she countered.

  “I didn’t know you were such a loser. I’m really sorry I bothered with you. Next time, I’ll pick a girl who wants to have fun.”

  She watched him walk away and realized that being dumped by Todd meant being placed on the outside of the hallowed circle of Miami High’s in crowd. She’d wanted to be a part of it for so long!

  “You did the right thing, you know.” Terri stood beside her, watching Todd exit the prop room.

  “How long have you been listening? Don’t you know it’s rude to eavesdrop?” Lacey was angry. Angry at having Terri see her humiliated, angry at Todd for holding out the carrot of popularity and then snatching it back.

  “Why do you care about that turkey? Leave him to Monet; they deserve each other.”

  “It’s not that easy.” Lacey wished Terri would drop it, because there was no explaining to her why Todd and his world appealed to her. She wasn’t sure she even knew why.