Love Me Again

by Danyelle Scroggins

  Although it had seemed that she left everything behind, she never left the God who was able to keep her from falling. And, even though there were times when she felt that He’d forgotten all about her, her faith refused to die.

  When she penned the song, “Father Pray For Me,” she was in Florida, alone, living in a hotel, and drowning in sorrow. The song had helped her in the worst of times, and today was no different. She and Jasper had become like water and oil.

  Sure, he had the right to be upset with her. Who wouldn’t be? However, she had a perfect excuse for running. For trying to turn her love for him off. How would she ever live in the world if he left her too? As it seemed everyone she loved eventually died.

  Her heart ached.

  She stood in the middle of the room and just looked.

  The more she saw things that reminded her of MiMi, the more she cried. Then, her eyes landed on a picture she drew when she was only nine years old. She smiled. MiMi had blown up and framed the first picture she’d ever drawn of she and Jasper holding hands.

  Jade went to the bathroom, grabbed a towel from the neatly assembled towel rack, turned on the faucet, and washed her face looking into the beautiful full mirror. The house was immaculate and if Jasper was telling the truth, grandmother did that. She’d made the home exactly like the homes Jade spent countless hours adoring in the Good Home Magazine.

  She took a deep breath and laughed.

  This woman was the best gift God could have ever given a child.

  But I’m not a child anymore. I must stop hiding and live life.

  “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.”

  Jade fell down onto her knees, putting her elbows on the toilet seat. “Lord, please forgive me for allowing the enemy to steal from me the joy of my salvation. I have allowed him to kill my relationship with Jasper and destroy all the hope I’ve ever had. I repent this night for ever believing that I had nothing or no one to live for. Please forgive me and restore my hope. And Lord, please touch Jasper’s heart so he will love me again, in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

  She stood up, washed her face again, and this time, smiled at herself in the mirror. Somehow, someway, and with the help of the Lord, she instantly determined that she must change the way things were happening in her life.

  She deserved a new life, a life filled with all the joy that was shown to her as a child. Her grandmother went through such great measures to make sure life without her was wonderful. She’d left no stone unturned, and everything was absolutely fit for a princess.

  Because, in the eyes of her grandma, that’s exactly what she was. If only she felt like a princess.

  Her mind drifted back to all the Easter dresses MiMi had sewn for her. She always had socks, bows, and gloves to match. Sometimes, even purses the same material as her dresses. Always treated and dressed like her grandmother’s princess. Most girls would have been so grateful to have her life, even in the aftermath of all she had before it was gone.

  As she walked through the house, looking at all the wonderful portraits, her mind went back to when she first came to live with her grandmother.

  “Jade, I know you are hurting, baby, but Grandma knows that God has everything in control. You mustn’t cry as one who has no hope, but live your life so you can one day see your parents again. Baby, we don’t always understand what God is doing, but one thing we do know is, He never makes mistakes.”

  “But Grandma, He took my parents from me. Did He not think I needed them?”

  “He already knew that I’d be here to care for you. Will you let me do for you what your mother and father would have done?”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  “Come here. That’s my princess.”

  “And she never fell short,” Jade whispered as she touched the portrait of her and her grandmother.

  Crying was seemingly becoming a habit.

  She brushed away the tears with the back of her hand again and went back into the living room. This time she didn’t stop in the middle of the floor, Jade went and stood in front of the beautiful pink and white Christmas tree. There was not a space left open on the tree. From beautiful flowers to baby rattles. School ornaments to expensive furry boot ornaments.

  Nothing had been left out.

  Years and years of ornaments. Some were ornaments she’d made when she was a child and beautiful glass balls she’d purchased the first year MiMi allowed her to decorate the Christmas tree all by herself.

  She realized how much she’d missed celebrating Christmas and decorating Christmas trees. It was such a special holiday for her and her grandmother because her grandmother always made sure to include gifts from heaven from her parents. Only a woman so close to God could come up with something that would forever change the way a child viewed heaven.

  But of all the beautiful things, she noticed the cross she had made for MiMi from her first paycheck. She took the cross off the tree and held it to her heart.

  It was a 3D glass cross with a picture of she and MiMi with the words engraved You Are My She-ro.

  Her grandmother loved the cross so much she cried and placed it in the same spot at center the tree every year. Whoever decorated the tree knew the exact spot the cross was hung and judging by the accuracy, it had to be someone who knew just how much MiMi loved the ornament—Jasper.

  She placed the cross in the center of her chest and just held onto it. So much so, her mind drifted back to the day she gave it to MiMi, and to her surprise, she was embracing the cross just as her grandmother had the day she presented it to her. The older she got, the more she did things exactly as her grandmother and it was becoming so noticeable.

  Chapter Six

  Kane set his briefcase down on the floor next to his table. He was extremely exhausted. Two weeks trying to make an acquisition he’d presented to the City of Shreveport to garner new housing in the downtown area was much more than he’d bargained for.

  Like most cities, he was trying to show the local council how making downtown buildings into premium apartments was the turn of the century. When he wasn’t representing clients, he was trying to find ways to make his city great.

  Of course, it had been Mrs. Lorene’s idea, but he and Jasper promised to see it through until downtown had people walking the streets like the old times. At least that’s the vision Mrs. Lorene saw, with only one difference, blacks had the right to buy and own just as the whites.

  Mrs. Lorene had lived through the times when she had to enter F. W. Woolworth, an old store, from the back doors. She loved all things Shreveport, but the race relations were as horrible in her town as in other southern towns. She went to her grave wanting and desiring to make Shreveport a better place.

  Although she never tried her hands at public service, she used her Sunday school class to empower young men from all walks of life to do something great, first for the Kingdom of God, and then for this great city.

  A powerful woman with a plan.

  The one thing that no one had the strength to mess with or the stamina to stand against. And that she was.

  Before she passed, she bought three of the downtown buildings and had already had one changed into an apartment loft. She sold only one to Jasper and even convinced Jasper and Kane to buy a building to house their company, and it was equipped with two upstairs lofts. One for Jasper and one for Kane.

  Jasper never stayed in his and had leased it out to Veronica Kimbrel.

  Every now and then, he’d bump into her on the way out or in, and Kane enjoyed every moment. He was still quiet about the way he was beginning to see Veronica. Mainly, because he felt she had her eyes on Jasper.

  If it was one thing he wasn’t, that was a blocker. He would never try to undercut his boy on anything, not even a woman. And the only way he’d ever ask Veronica out, was if Jasper told him he’d never go out with her.

  Today, he’d left too early to see her leave, and definitely had come in too ear
ly to see her come in. It was only six-thirty and he’d decided instead of going to the office, to come home. As a matter of fact, that’s exactly what he needed to do.

  Rest and relaxation.

  Kane needed some time to relax and free his mind. He also needed a good meal. He was tired of eating fast-food and in restaurants. So first thing first, he unbuttoned the sleeves of his Ralph Lauren dress shirt and rolled them up neatly. Then he washed his hands. His mother always told him that a good cook washes their hands and runs dishwater before he does anything. Afterward, he went into the refrigerator and took out the package of steak he unthawed the night before. Then he opened the cabinet and searched for a package of rice.

  After he found the rice, he took a boiler out of the bottom cabinet, put water in it, placed it on the stove and turned on the burner. He went into the spice cabinet, grabbed the salt, and dashed a little into the hot water.

  His mom also taught him to always make sure his rice water was boiling hot before he added a cup or two of rice. After his rice was boiling, he opened the package of ground chuck, seasoned it with a package of onion Lipton soup mix, sprinkled some lemon pepper on it, cracked open an egg and put some shredded cheese in the bowl.

  He decided that a pepper steak, rice, gravy, broccoli, and salad would be the perfect meal. After everything was done, he pulled a plate out of the cabinet and just as he was about to fix his plate, someone knocked on his door.

  Without even asking who it was, Kane swung the door open.

  “I smelled something so good coming from your place I just had to knock to see what it was,” Veronica said, smiling but still sniffling in the aroma.

  “Well, come in. I was just getting ready to have dinner. Would you like some?”

  “No, I’m not going to impose on you any more than I already have.”

  “For real, I cooked more than enough. So come on in and eat.”

  “Do you mind if I go get comfortable first?”

  “I surely don’t. Just hurry so our food won’t get cold.”

  “I promise I will be back before you even know I’m gone.”

  “That’s impossible, you’re a woman. But I will pour us some Kool-aid.”

  “You made Kool-aid too?”

  “Yep.”

  “Hot darn! I think I’ve died and gone to heaven.”

  “Just hurry up, lady,” Kane said as he closed his door but not all the way.

  He rushed into the bathroom, pulled off the shirt that smelled like onions, and washed the sweat from his arms, neck, and back. He threw on a little cologne and a pullover Polo t-shirt. By the time he made it back to the front, Veronica was in the kitchen washing her hands. He stood stiff as she dried them with some paper towel, threw it in the trash, and began to fix his plate first, and then hers.

  “Okay, you could spoil me like this.”

  “Well, I thought since you left the door cracked, I could come on in. And since you cooked, it would be more than right if I served the food.”

  “Sounds like a girl who grew up in the south.”

  “Well, Dade County is the south, but I grew up in a single-parent home. My mother raised me and my brother after our father was killed in a drug raid. He was a police officer for the Dade County Police Department.”

  “Sorry to hear that.”

  “Don’t be. Dad’s work on earth was done and believe me in his thirty-eight years of living, he’d done a whole lot God could be proud of. Mom and I learned to work together in the kitchen. She cooked, and I served.”

  “Well, I’m grateful for your service.”

  “You just don’t know how happy I am to get a home-cooked meal.”

  “Me too. I was tired of eating out,” Kane agreed.

  “I was, too, but cooking for only me makes me miss home too much.”

  “So, let's make a deal. I will cook at least three times a week, and you can cook the other three. That’s if you have time.”

  “Kane, I will make time for that. What foods you don’t like?”

  “I’m a foodie all the way. I don’t know of anything I won’t try. Well, chitterlings are off the table.”

  “Ha. Ha. I bet you’d eat mine.”

  “If they smell like everyone else’s, I bet I won’t.”

  “Okay, we will see. Please pray so I can eat.”

  And they bowed their heads for prayer.

  Chapter Seven

  Knock. Knock. Knock.

  Knock. Knock. Knock.

  Jade placed the cross back on the tree and headed in the direction of the front door. As she got close to the door, she asked, “Who is it?”

  “Jade, it’s Jasmine.”

  Jade opened the door, then swung her arms around Jasmine’s neck, “Jas, I’m so happy to see you.”

  “Well, I’m still standing outside of your door, so you cannot be too happy.”

  “I apologize. Come in please.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Let’s go in the living room by the beautiful tree, but first, did your brother send you?”

  “If he did, what does it matter?”

  “I just don’t want him feeling like I’m his hand-out taker, and that he has to take care of me.”

  “It’s cold out there, so if you are going to kick me out because Jasper sent me, do it now. However, I will not be walking out of that door in an hour when you get angry all over again because he sent me.”

  “You don’t ever have to leave. Come on.”

  Jasmine followed Jade into the house and to the living area. She, for one, knew exactly how beautiful the tree was because Jasper hired her to do the tree.

  “You like the tree?”

  “I love the tree. Wait a minute. Did you fix this tree, Jasmine?”

  “Why would you ask something like that?”

  “Because now that I think about it, only Jasmine Booth can take a tree and put this much love into it. It represents purity and passion with all the white and soft pink ornaments. Coupled with all the love in the world. And knowing you, that’s exactly what you were trying to accomplish.”

  “Well, looks like you still know me, because you surely can’t love me after leaving me for four whole years.”

  “Jasmine, I do love you. I just had to learn how to love Jade. You know, when my parents died, I was too young to even really express how horrible I felt. It was like I tried, but MiMi solved all of the pain. Then when MiMi died, I felt the weight of her death as well as my parents.”

  “Okay, I can understand that because our culture doesn’t believe in seeking counseling outside of Jesus or the church. And a child not being able to understand bereavement or have questions answered could very well have a negative impact in adulthood.”

  “You know MiMi tried her best to explain things, as best as she could, but I was still left to wonder how could God love me so much to let His only Son be killed for me. Then, He turns around and takes my parents.”

  “That’s deep, Jade.”

  “Tell me about it. But I’m better now. I did what black people won’t do…I went to counseling. When MiMi died, I started having trust issues. I could feel the weight of what I was going through causing me to distrust Jasper, have low self-esteem, self-worth, and an overwhelming feeling of loneliness.”

  “That’s normal, especially when your normal has been shaken. You do remember our family’s work with the foster system? However, that’s what we do as volunteer counselors. We’ve used a lot of qualitative research to determine the complex nature of the experience of losing one’s parents in early childhood. To be honest, all the things you said were true symptoms. Nevertheless, I’ve learned that in children, the inability to express these feelings can definitely lead to strained relationships in adulthood.”

  “Jasmine, you know how much I love Jasper.”

  “Oh, so you still love him?”

  “I don’t think I will ever stop loving him, but I’m no good for him. I found myself second-guessing his love for me, and on top of that,
I felt like what if he leaves me? That question just plagued me, especially when MiMi died. It’s as if I had a sign on me that no one else could see except me that read…everyone who Jade loves will die.”

  “Wow, Jade. Why were you carrying all of this weight alone?”

  “I didn’t want you guys stressing over me. I also felt like if I moved, no one will have to deal with me. Well, no one that I loved.”

  “I know you thought it out and did what you felt was best, so I won’t dare tell you it wasn’t. All I will say is, I love you. You were and still are like the only sister I have. And you leaving nearly tore me apart. I started to come searching for you, but Jasper told me ‘not yet.’ He felt like if we intervened in your life too soon, it could break you even more.”

  “He did?”

  “Yes, it’s like he constantly stays on protecting Jade mode and we have learned to just listen to him and allow him to do things his way.”

  “We had an argument tonight. He told me that I was selfish and pretty much ungrateful. He also said that I thought the world revolves around me. Jasmine, I wanted to throw something at him. I wanted to slam him partially in the door and partially out the door.”

  “So what he thinks still evokes anger?”

  “Yes, because it matters. To be honest, I never saw it as selfish. I just knew I was hurting so badly, and I couldn’t explain how I felt to anyone. You know it’s like you know how you feel, but if someone asks you how do you feel, you can’t even formulate the words to explain.”

  “I’ve seen this before in the foster children.”

  “Then, I would try to journal what I felt and the only word that I’d ever write was…MAD. I became mad about everything. And to be honest, he was right. I never thought about how my leaving would be like death to him. He loved my grandmother too. However, instead of him just feeling the pain from her loss, he felt like I had died too.”

  “Jade, between you and I, it took Jasper almost three months to go back to work. Dad had to almost threaten him to get him out of the bed. Enough of that. It’s not my place and I will have to allow him to tell you. But I can tell you how I felt. I felt like my sister no longer loved me.”