Psmith in the City

by P. G. Wodehouse

  7. Going into Winter Quarters

  There was.

  Mr Rossiter had discovered Psmith's and Mike's absence about fiveminutes after they had left the building. Ever since then, he had beenpopping out of his lair at intervals of three minutes, to see whetherthey had returned. Constant disappointment in this respect had renderedhim decidedly jumpy. When Psmith and Mike reached the desk, he was akind of human soda-water bottle. He fizzed over with questions,reproofs, and warnings.

  'What does it mean? What does it mean?' he cried. 'Where have you been?Where have you been?'

  'Poetry,' said Psmith approvingly.

  'You have been absent from your places for over half an hour. Why? Why?Why? Where have you been? Where have you been? I cannot have this. Itis preposterous. Where have you been? Suppose Mr Bickersdyke hadhappened to come round here. I should not have known what to say tohim.'

  'Never an easy man to chat with, Comrade Bickersdyke,' agreed Psmith.

  'You must thoroughly understand that you are expected to remain in yourplaces during business hours.'

  'Of course,' said Psmith, 'that makes it a little hard for ComradeJackson to post letters, does it not?'

  'Have you been posting letters?'

  'We have,' said Psmith. 'You have wronged us. Seeing our absent placesyou jumped rashly to the conclusion that we were merely gadding aboutin pursuit of pleasure. Error. All the while we were furthering thebank's best interests by posting letters.'

  'You had no business to leave your place. Jackson is on the postingdesk.'

  'You are very right,' said Psmith, 'and it shall not occur again. Itwas only because it was the first day, Comrade Jackson is not used tothe stir and bustle of the City. His nerve failed him. He shrank fromgoing to the post-office alone. So I volunteered to accompany him.And,' concluded Psmith, impressively, 'we won safely through. Everyletter has been posted.'

  'That need not have taken you half an hour.'

  'True. And the actual work did not. It was carried through swiftly andsurely. But the nerve-strain had left us shaken. Before resuming ourmore ordinary duties we had to refresh. A brief breathing-space, alittle coffee and porridge, and here we are, fit for work once more.'

  'If it occurs again, I shall report the matter to Mr Bickersdyke.'

  'And rightly so,' said Psmith, earnestly. 'Quite rightly so.Discipline, discipline. That is the cry. There must be no shirking ofpainful duties. Sentiment must play no part in business. Rossiter, theman, may sympathise, but Rossiter, the Departmental head, must beadamant.'

  Mr Rossiter pondered over this for a moment, then went off on aside-issue.

  'What is the meaning of this foolery?' he asked, pointing to Psmith'sgloves and hat. 'Suppose Mr Bickersdyke had come round and seen them,what should I have said?'

  'You would have given him a message of cheer. You would have said, "Allis well. Psmith has not left us. He will come back. And ComradeBickersdyke, relieved, would have--"'

  'You do not seem very busy, Mr Smith.'

  Both Psmith and Mr Rossiter were startled.

  Mr Rossiter jumped as if somebody had run a gimlet into him, and evenPsmith started slightly. They had not heard Mr Bickersdyke approaching.Mike, who had been stolidly entering addresses in his ledger during thelatter part of the conversation, was also taken by surprise.

  Psmith was the first to recover. Mr Rossiter was still too confused forspeech, but Psmith took the situation in hand.

  'Apparently no,' he said, swiftly removing his hat from the ruler. 'Inreality, yes. Mr Rossiter and I were just scheming out a line of workfor me as you came up. If you had arrived a moment later, you wouldhave found me toiling.'

  'H'm. I hope I should. We do not encourage idling in this bank.'

  'Assuredly not,' said Psmith warmly. 'Most assuredly not. I would nothave it otherwise. I am a worker. A bee, not a drone. A_Lusitania,_ not a limpet. Perhaps I have not yet that grip on myduties which I shall soon acquire; but it is coming. It is coming. Isee daylight.'

  'H'm. I have only your word for it.' He turned to Mr Rossiter, who hadnow recovered himself, and was as nearly calm as it was in his natureto be. 'Do you find Mr Smith's work satisfactory, Mr Rossiter?'

  Psmith waited resignedly for an outburst of complaint respecting thesmall matter that had been under discussion between the head of thedepartment and himself; but to his surprise it did not come.

  'Oh--ah--quite, quite, Mr Bickersdyke. I think he will very soon pickthings up.'

  Mr Bickersdyke turned away. He was a conscientious bank manager, andone can only suppose that Mr Rossiter's tribute to the earnestness ofone of his _employes_ was gratifying to him. But for that, one would havesaid that he was disappointed.

  'Oh, Mr Bickersdyke,' said Psmith.

  The manager stopped.

  'Father sent his kind regards to you,' said Psmith benevolently.

  Mr Bickersdyke walked off without comment.

  'An uncommonly cheery, companionable feller,' murmured Psmith, as heturned to his work.

  The first day anywhere, if one spends it in a sedentary fashion, alwaysseemed unending; and Mike felt as if he had been sitting at his deskfor weeks when the hour for departure came. A bank's day endsgradually, reluctantly, as it were. At about five there is a sort ofstir, not unlike the stir in a theatre when the curtain is on the pointof falling. Ledgers are closed with a bang. Men stand about and talkfor a moment or two before going to the basement for their hats andcoats. Then, at irregular intervals, forms pass down the central aisleand out through the swing doors. There is an air of relaxation over theplace, though some departments are still working as hard as ever undera blaze of electric light. Somebody begins to sing, and an instantchorus of protests and maledictions rises from all sides. Gradually,however, the electric lights go out. The procession down the centreaisle becomes more regular; and eventually the place is left todarkness and the night watchman.

  The postage department was one of the last to be freed from duty. Thiswas due to the inconsiderateness of the other departments, whichomitted to disgorge their letters till the last moment. Mike as he grewfamiliar with the work, and began to understand it, used to prowl roundthe other departments during the afternoon and wrest letters from them,usually receiving with them much abuse for being a nuisance and notleaving honest workers alone. Today, however, he had to sit on tillnearly six, waiting for the final batch of correspondence.

  Psmith, who had waited patiently with him, though his own work wasfinished, accompanied him down to the post office and back again to thebank to return the letter basket; and they left the office together.

  'By the way,' said Psmith, 'what with the strenuous labours of the bankand the disturbing interviews with the powers that be, I have omittedto ask you where you are digging. Wherever it is, of course you mustclear out. It is imperative, in this crisis, that we should betogether. I have acquired a quite snug little flat in Clement's Inn.There is a spare bedroom. It shall be yours.'

  'My dear chap,' said Mike, 'it's all rot. I can't sponge on you.'

  'You pain me, Comrade Jackson. I was not suggesting such a thing. Weare business men, hard-headed young bankers. I make you a businessproposition. I offer you the post of confidential secretary and adviserto me in exchange for a comfortable home. The duties will be light. Youwill be required to refuse invitations to dinner from crowned heads,and to listen attentively to my views on Life. Apart from this, thereis little to do. So that's settled.'

  'It isn't,' said Mike. 'I--'

  'You will enter upon your duties tonight. Where are you suspended atpresent?'

  'Dulwich. But, look here--'

  'A little more, and you'll get the sack. I tell you the thing issettled. Now, let us hail yon taximeter cab, and desire the stern-facedaristocrat on the box to drive us to Dulwich. We will then collect afew of your things in a bag, have the rest off by train, come back inthe taxi, and go and bite a chop at the Carlton. This is a momentousday in our careers, Comrade Jackson. We must buoy ourselves up.'r />
  Mike made no further objections. The thought of that bed-sitting roomin Acacia Road and the pantomime dame rose up and killed them. Afterall, Psmith was not like any ordinary person. There would be noquestion of charity. Psmith had invited him to the flat in exactly thesame spirit as he had invited him to his house for the cricket week.

  'You know,' said Psmith, after a silence, as they flitted through thestreets in the taximeter, 'one lives and learns. Were you so wrapped upin your work this afternoon that you did not hear my very entertaininglittle chat with Comrade Bickersdyke, or did it happen to come underyour notice? It did? Then I wonder if you were struck by the singularconduct of Comrade Rossiter?'

  'I thought it rather decent of him not to give you away to thatblighter Bickersdyke.'

  'Admirably put. It was precisely that that struck me. He had hisopening, all ready made for him, but he refrained from depositing me inthe soup. I tell you, Comrade Jackson, my rugged old heart was touched.I said to myself, "There must be good in Comrade Rossiter, after all. Imust cultivate him." I shall make it my business to be kind to ourDepartmental head. He deserves the utmost consideration. His actionshone like a good deed in a wicked world. Which it was, of course. Fromtoday onwards I take Comrade Rossiter under my wing. We seem to begetting into a tolerably benighted quarter. Are we anywhere near?"Through Darkest Dulwich in a Taximeter."'

  The cab arrived at Dulwich station, and Mike stood up to direct thedriver. They whirred down Acacia Road. Mike stopped the cab and gotout. A brief and somewhat embarrassing interview with the pantomimedame, during which Mike was separated from a week's rent in lieu ofnotice, and he was in the cab again, bound for Clement's Inn.

  His feelings that night differed considerably from the frame of mind inwhich he had gone to bed the night before. It was partly a veryexcellent dinner and partly the fact that Psmith's flat, though atpresent in some disorder, was obviously going to be extremelycomfortable, that worked the change. But principally it was due to hishaving found an ally. The gnawing loneliness had gone. He did not lookforward to a career of Commerce with any greater pleasure than before;but there was no doubt that with Psmith, it would be easier to getthrough the time after office hours. If all went well in the bank hemight find that he had not drawn such a bad ticket after all.