All I Want is You

by Patricia Mar

  He turned to look at her for a moment, covering her with up the quilt so that she wouldn’t get cold, then he got dressed without making the slightest noise and left the room as stealthily as a thief trying to evade discovery. As he walked down the long corridor to the stairs, he thought about the turn his life had taken. It was at those times, during those festivities, that he felt more regret than ever over never having had a real relationship with his father. The regret of not having been able to make peace with him before he died. Despite all the harm he had done, despite the misery he had caused Daniel and his mother by cutting them out of his life and abandoning them, Daniel realised that his father had been a man capable only of self-destruction. Thomas Gant had been aware of it as well – so well aware of it that he’d preferred to remove himself from the scene rather than drag them down with him. Daniel was almost beginning to understand that distance: it was like a clumsy form of protection for them, a sort of sacrifice to defend them from the man he had become. Or perhaps he simply wanted to cling to that hope more than ever right now, to turn the page, to no longer feel that emptiness in his heart – an emptiness of which only Sara knew, and one she could soothe with her presence.

  His beloved Sara, who with her touch and smile had saved his soul and had soothed him when he still wept tears of pain. He had never been much good at revealing that part of himself, and no one who knew him could have imagined how much the thought of his father made him suffer, especially not his mother, for whom Daniel always put on a calm and resolute face.

  In the stillness of the house, while everyone was still sleeping, he reached the porch that his fiancée had shown him the night before: a quiet and solitary place, perfect for gathering his thoughts.

  He sat down in a wicker chair that was full of cushions and looked out through the window to the trees in the snow covered inner courtyard. The sun was about to rise. He rested his arms on his knees, leaning forward and staring at the outside world. The view had a hypnotic effect on him and it helped him relax.

  “Sara loves this little corner of the house, too.”

  Daniel jumped to his feet, partly out of chivalry and partly because he was startled, and found himself standing in front of the benevolent face of Glicine, who was already dressed. “Merry Christmas!” he exclaimed, giving her a warm smile. Glicine patted his shoulder and gestured for him to sit down again.

  “Merry Christmas, Daniel,” she said as she sat down by the window. Daniel sat down too. “You’re up early this morning.”

  “I couldn’t sleep any more.”

  “Too many thoughts racing around in that young head of yours.”

  “Perhaps,” he admitted cautiously.

  “I’m glad that I found you here. I’ve been hoping to have a chat with you since you arrived.”

  Daniel leaned back, crossing his legs and thinking that he liked Glicine and wasn’t at all afraid of talking to her.

  “So, you two are engaged.”

  “Yes. Sara has made me the happiest man in the world.”

  “And you’ve made her happy too. I’ve rarely seen two people look more united.”

  Daniel showed his modesty by suddenly going red in the face, and Glicine chuckled. “You’re even more handsome when you go red.”

  “Don’t tell anyone, or you’ll ruin my manly reputation.”

  “Well, you’re certainly manly, my lad!”

  For perhaps for the first time in his life, Daniel went purple. “I take it that you must have come across some of my photo shoots.”

  “We’ve all seen them. You know how it is, curiosity… You weren’t yet engaged to Sara at the time. You had only been going out together for a short while… Is that enough justification?”

  Daniel shifted uneasily in his chair, which had suddenly become very uncomfortable. He didn’t know whether to laugh or try to hide.

  “Sara wasn’t very comfortable with the situation,” her grandmother added, sounding more serious.

  “I almost lost her. I never wanted to hurt her, and I didn’t think I had, but it was my mistake. I should have realised that Sara wasn’t like the others, and that’s why I love her so much. She doesn’t want to show me off like a trophy or brag about me. She wants to love me as a person.”

  “My boy, you don’t know what joy it is for me to hear your words, but now that I understand you and I’ve had a chance to observe you up close, I’m sure that my granddaughter could not be with a better person. That doesn’t, however, resolve the problem of you two both having completely different lifestyles.”

  “I know,” he sighed.

  “If you ever want to talk about it, I’m here. This is your house now, we’re your family, and if you need me, even if it’s just to let off some steam, you can, you know. You can be sure I won’t tell a soul.”

  Daniel looked at her affectionately. She felt so close that it seemed natural to open up to her. After all, he had learned to appreciate her thanks to Sara’s stories and to the brief moments they had spent together. They had both liked each other immediately and for this reason he suddenly said, “Sara can be really stubborn at times.”

  “Oh yes, I’ve been well aware of that for twenty-five years,” laughed the old woman, then she fell silent. A clear invitation for him to continue.

  “I know that she’s an independent woman, who loves her work and wants to be useful, but I can’t help wondering how we’ll handle our marriage if we’re apart most of the time. Of the two of us, I’m the one who is earning the most, so strictly speaking, it shouldn’t be me who gives up my job. But my work involves travelling a lot. Photo shoots, adverts, fashion shows around the world. And she stays in Rome, working as a tourist guide. I don’t want to belittle her job, not at all, but I think she should give up everything and come with me. If she really wants to work, I can find something for her. She could become my assistant.”

  Glicine stared at him in surprise. She hadn’t been expecting such a torrent of feelings. It was a touchy subject, one which certainly hadn’t given the young man sitting in front of her a peaceful night’s sleep.

  “You’re right, Sara is an independent woman – she grew up with two rather, how shall I put it, unique parents who weren’t much interested in money or in having a quiet life. They lived for their dreams, which they took from paintings or other art. But wherever they got their dreams from, my granddaughter had to learn to defend herself from all of it, and to look for certainties that would anchor her to life and would allow her to have a stability that she couldn’t find in her own home. That’s why at first it was hard for you to knock down that wall she had erected. She’s a determined woman – stubborn, but also fragile, and I think you know that better than anyone else.”

  “I’ve learned to understand her. I can recognise the cause of every frown, of every reaction – even though there are moments when I’d like to be able to read her thoughts, just to be sure I’m not deceiving myself.”

  “Oh, don’t be afraid, you’re on the right road. The complicity between you is undeniable: the looks you two give each other are worth more than a thousand words.”

  Daniel couldn’t help giving her a shy smile.

  “But precisely because of this difficult past of hers, Sara grew up thinking that the only person she can trust is herself. That’s why she puts such store in being self-sufficient – it’s to demonstrate something, her value, her resourcefulness.”

  “She’s very responsible, too, and I admire her for that. It would have been easy for her to rest on her laurels and rely on me for everything. She didn’t, though. She’s fantastic, Glicine, but that brings us back to our problem: we’re getting married.”

  “And…?”

  “And we’ll end up spending most of the time apart. I’ll have to go to dinners, TV shows and everything else… it’s my job, but I’ll be alone, my wife won’t be there with me.”

  “Do you realise that you’re both right in this problem?”

  “Yes.”

  “An
d that only one of you has to yield?”

  “Yes.”

  Glicine sighed.

  “Well, it won’t be you, we both know that.”

  “I can’t, Glicine – this time I just can’t. I love what I do and it gives me economic stability and allows me to guarantee Sara a life without any worries. I don’t want to stop her from working, I would never want to do anything that would hurt her. I just wish I could share everything with her: my life, my career, my luck. I want to live our married life together and not just meet up one weekend every couple of weeks. I want to be there for her and I want her to be there for me.”

  “And I’m sure she wants that too, Daniel.”

  “Yes, but she handles these separations better than I do. Each time it seems as if they weigh more heavily on me. My new agent is in touch with some Hollywood producers – I don’t know if it will actually happen, but there’s talk of me being cast in a movie. Now I’m not sure I would accept a job like that even if they do offer it to me, but if I had to do it, we would have to be apart for months. Months! And I don’t want to be apart from her. Am I being selfish? Yes, I’ll admit it, I’m being very selfish.” Daniel found himself pleading his case with great vehemence as he poured his heart out to her.

  “You are in love and I have the impression that you are genuinely afraid of losing her.”

  “Is it that obvious?” he asked.

  “I’m afraid so, dear boy. You’re afraid that your career, the distance between you and a thousand other things will end up coming between you. Sara had so many doubts about you, and you’re worried that these doubts will re-emerge, stronger than before.”

  “Am I wrong? You yourself said that we have completely different lifestyles.”

  “Yes, it’s true, but you’re also very much in love, and I like to think that this is enough.”

  “What if Sara saw my picture with a model, maybe at a gala dinner? What if she misunderstood, when we all we were doing was casually sitting next to each other while we were eating? For me there is no one else… no one, Glicine.”

  “My dear boy, I understand your worries, but if there isn’t trust in a relationship then the basis upon which the whole thing should be built is missing. Sara must learn to trust you and not to be misled by what she sees. She has to believe in your fidelity.” Glicine spoke with great wisdom and calmness, and he envied her for it.

  But the subject was a delicate one and he was too involved to be calm.

  “But what about me, though? I wonder what she’s doing when I’m not there too – where she’s going, who she hangs out with, which pizza she orders. I miss the little things we should be sharing together. Waking up in the morning, having a coffee together, deciding what film to see before going to bed. Sometimes I wonder if this is the right kind of life for me… The spotlights, the media… but the answer is that this is me, a very important part of me. And there’s no point me pretending that it isn’t. I don’t deny that I like being the centre of attention and I have built myself a reputation. I’m admired by stylists, I’m paid a stupid amount of money for appearing for a few seconds in a commercial, I travel around the world and I’m lucky enough to have a thousand different experiences that enrich me. And I’m good at my job, too.”

  “You don’t have to convince me! The fact that I’m Sara’s grandmother doesn’t mean that I can’t understand your point of view, and I agree with you, just as I agree with my granddaughter: there are no winners or losers here, but you two have to work it out together. One of you must be willing to bend a little to meet the other half way. The ideal thing would be if you could both do it, but you need to find some neutral common ground.”

  “Maybe I’m the problem, maybe I’m too used to getting what I want and I should respect Sara’s feelings and live accordingly, but I don’t know if I can. I didn’t think I would ever get married. My parents’ marriage was an absolute disaster. My father left us when I was just six years old. He was never a real father to me, and he certainly wasn’t a good husband to my mother, so the biggest surprise for me was that, after meeting Sara, I actually started to think about marriage at all. I realised that I wanted her at my side. Even though my personal experience of marriage had been awful, I was still willing to try it – with her.”

  Glicine sighed, and her eyes filled with tears. She was moved by what he’d said. “Daniel, my granddaughter is terribly lucky, I can’t imagine a better man for her. But let me give you some advice: don’t force things, don’t worry about what might be. Give it time. Your love story is a fairy tale. Everything has happened naturally – you found each other and fell in love and now you are together, ready to face whatever the future holds for you. You will find a way, the right way. Don’t ruin the moments you spend together. Actually you shouldn’t even be here with me now, although I’m very happy to have had this opportunity to speak to you.”

  “I wasn’t expecting this to be so easy – now I understand why Sara adores you.” Daniel stood up and bent over to give her a kiss. Glicine smiled happily, placing her hand where he had kissed her. “Well, in spite of having stayed up late to watch an all night marathon of black and white movies, it was worth getting up early this morning… Getting a kiss from such a handsome man is really something special.”

  Daniel laughed. “Thank you for all your advice, Glicine. I’ll put it to good use.”

  “Everything will be fine, you’ll see. Now go to her.”

  “Yeah, I’m going. I’ll see you later.”

  Daniel realised how important it was for them to make the right decisions together. But he could afford to leave the matter for the time being: it was Christmas, and there was no hurry to do anything except go back to bed, pull Sara to him and make love her.

  He strode up the stairs, two steps at a time, then paused for a moment outside the door of their room. He smiled happily to himself, and then went inside.

  7

  The Best-Made Traps

  Although it had stopped falling for the moment, the grey sky was full of snow that was ready to cover the city. The dark clouds left no chance of any sunlight peeping through, the freezing cold chilled the streets of the old town, and the few passers-by who had dared to venture out pulled their coats tighter around themselves and tried to hide their faces under their scarves.

  Gubbio was submerged in snow, and every alley, every square, was now covered in a white mantle. Daniel was bundled up in a woollen cap that covered his face right down to his eyebrows and a purple scarf. He looked with fascination at the characteristic narrow streets with their discreet charm punctuated by the massive arched wooden doors framed by well preserved stone walls. Windows glowed with the pulsing lights of Christmas trees, decorated with baubles of many colours, that stood behind the curtains, and the silence of the streets was broken only by children’’s laughter. The absence of sound and the medieval appearance of the town made the walk lovely, despite the bitter cold.

  Wrapped up so much that they looked like a couple of Michelin men, Sara and Virginia walked a little way ahead of him, happily chatting about a Christmas film that would be on television that afternoon, A Princess for Christmas. They had already seen it a couple of times and they were planning to watch it for a third. Daniel loved listening to the two sisters talking: he found them pretty hilarious.

  “It’s a classic. You have to see it,” said Virginia as she rubbed her hands together. “And by the way, Sam Heughan is incredible. It’s worth watching it just for him.”

  “I totally agree with you, though he’ll never be able to top his performance in Outlander.”

  “Don’t talk to me about Outlander, you’ll have me melting the snow!” exclaimed Virginia, rolling her eyes lustfully. “That bit where he has sex with Claire…”

  “That backside of his – it’s like marble!”

  Daniel coughed to remind them that he was there, listening, and Sara turned around and laughed.

  “Sorry, sweetheart!”

  “Don’t worr
y, you’ve no need to feel threatened,” Virginia assured him. “I’m sure your bottom is just like marble, too.”

  Sara elbowed her, but Daniel was used to her sister’s rude sense of humour now. “Well, I’m glad you like my curves, Virginia.”

  “I like them very much. In fact, I’m almost tempted to say that in some ways, your royal behind is actually slightly better than Heughan’s. Of course, I’m speaking hypothetically, not having had any direct experience of the booty in question…”

  “Virginia!” said Sara. She had learned to live with that aspect of Daniel’s work, but it was still a challenge to hold inside the anger that welled up inside her every time someone said something about a part of Daniel’s anatomy that should have been her exclusive personal domain: she felt like she should be the sole custodian of that sacred knowledge, a bit like Frodo with the ring.

  Daniel laughed cheerfully. He couldn’t feel uncomfortable around Virginia. He had always shown off his body without it causing him any embarrassment, and there were only two situations that had made him feel a bit uncomfortable: first, the time that his mother had wanted to come and see him doing his first photo shoot, and that same morning with Glicine. He went over to Sara and hugged her. “I love you, you know,” he whispered in her ear quietly so that Virginia wouldn’t be able to hear him. Sara squeezed him tightly.

  “Hey, don’t mind me, you two, okay?”

  “Okay, we won’t,” joked Daniel.

  “That’s very nice of you,” muttered Virginia, pretending to be offended.

  At that moment, Daniel’s cell phone began to ring. He rummaged around in his pockets in search of it, and after taking off his gloves, managed to find it. He looked at the screen to see who was calling, and announced, “It’s Alessandro.”

  Virginia grew suddenly animated, and a pinkish colour lit up her cheeks.