Mojo

by Jez Butterworth

SWEETS. Jesus.

  POTTS. Jesus Christ.

  SWEETS. They say we’re finished I believe them.

  SKINNY. How do you know?

  SWEETS. He got rung up this morning.

  SKINNY. Yes. I know. Who by?

  MICKEY. Alec Guinness. How the fuck should I know?

  SKINNY. Mickey, who –

  POTTS. How does he know? Eh? How does he know?

  SKINNY. Mickey. Who off?

  POTTS. People… Fuck me gently… People Ezra knows.

  SKINNY. Did they say who they was?

  POTTS. No. No. Listen. (Laughs.) They don’t tell you. They tell you it gives it away you catch them it makes it easy…

  SKINNY. I’m not addressing you.

  POTTS. Please. Please? Can I… Please… Someone he don’t know isn’t going to walk up do him for fun. He’s not a fuckin’ he’s not some slug. He’s not a fucking spider crawling across the floor.

  SKINNY. Hey bullcrap, slow down. Open a window, take deep breaths. Relax, have a bubble bath. I’m talking to Mickey.

  SWEETS. Warm milk. I need some warm milk.

  Pause.

  POTTS. All right. All right. All right. Stupid question Mickey… and good. Let’s ask questions. Stupid, brilliant, we don’t know till it’s asked. Exactly. Right. Good. Are you sure?

  MICKEY. Am I sure what?

  POTTS. I don’t know. It’s early. That he’s dead. Good question. Eh? Mickey. Eh?

  SWEETS. Good question.

  POTTS. Eh? Eh? My question and it is a question is are you sure?

  MICKEY. He’s out there.

  Pause.

  POTTS. Out where? Out the back?

  SKINNY. Fucking hell. Now?

  SWEETS. Fucking hell.

  POTTS. It’s a joke. It’s Mickey’s joke. It’s Mickey’s morning joke.

  SWEETS. Out where?

  SKINNY. Don’t you listen? By the bins. That’s what they said. ‘You’re finished’ and ‘Look by the bins’.

  SWEETS. You said ‘by the bins’. Mickey said ‘in the bins’.

  POTTS. By the bins in the bins. Is that the issue here? If it’s ‘by’ are we safe? If it’s ‘by’ is there a deal?

  SKINNY. Mickey. Okay okay. Indulge me. Please. Are you sure? Are you ten times out of ten sure that he’s passed away?

  MICKEY. He’s in two bins.

  Pause.

  SKINNY. You hear that? Is it clear now? He is dead because they fucking cut him in half. So yes, he’s fucking passed away. Allow Mickey to know. So. So. (Pause.) Sweet Fucking Hell Jesus and Mary.

  POTTS. Fucking Nora. Fucking hell.

  SWEETS. Suffering Jesus. They sawed him in half.

  SKINNY. Poor fucking man.

  SWEETS. You sweat your life away…

  SKINNY. Poor fucking man.

  SWEETS. Into a bucket…

  SKINNY. Poor fucking man. Poor fucking man.

  Silence.

  MICKEY. Fucking mess…

  SKINNY. Poor fucking man.

  SWEETS. Wake up have breakfast. They saw you in half.

  MICKEY. Hideous fuckin’ mess…

  SKINNY. Poor fucking man. Poor fucking man.

  Silence.

  POTTS. Sit down Mickey.

  SWEETS. Sit down.

  MICKEY. I’m all right.

  Silence.

  SWEETS. Who’s got a pill? Get a pill here for Mickey. Or a glass of warm milk.

  POTTS. Mickey –

  MICKEY. I don’t want a pill.

  SWEETS. We need a blanket. Shall I put some music on? Soft music?

  POTTS. You fucking prick. Yeah, and we’ll all have a slow dance till the coppers get here.

  SWEETS. I don’t know. I’m not someone’s mum.

  POTTS. Jeeesus.

  SWEETS. Fuck off. I’m not someone’s mother. I’m not Mickey’s mum.

  SKINNY. I said. I said. You make a stink you attract the big lights.

  POTTS. It’s done.

  SKINNY. Make a stink you attract big lights. Make a stink you attract big lights.

  Pause.

  POTTS. What the fuck does that mean?

  SKINNY. You know… Fuck off. You know what it means.

  POTTS. Make a… What the fuck can that possibly mean?

  SKINNY. Fuck off Sidney Potts.

  SWEETS. Mickey. Mickey. Mickey. Let’s talk… Listen… Listen. Mickey. Listen to me now. Okay. Okay? Mickey. Charlie Dodds.

  SKINNY. We’ll… Mickey –

  SWEETS. Please. Please. Couple of pistols just to make me feel better. Please. Listen, please, as a precaut – Listen… Mickey… Mickey… Please. Just in case. In a drawer. Something. A safety net…

  SKINNY. Mickey listen…

  SWEETS. One or two. Just one or two pistols. You know? One or two in a drawer in a jacket. All we’ve got’s an old cutlass. Let’s at least try and make it fair sides.

  SKINNY. We’re gonna make this worse. We’re gonna make this worse.

  SWEETS (overlapping). Just something down here just so it ain’t the fucking – just so it ain’t the fucking Alamo.

  SKINNY (overlapping). Sweets. Sweets. Sweets. Sweets. Sweets. Sweets. Sweets. Sweets. Sweets. Fuckin’ ease down mate. Lie down. Lie down take deep breaths.

  SWEETS. I’m fine.

  SKINNY. Lie down.

  SWEETS. I’m fine. I’m going to die.

  MICKEY. Where’s the kid?

  POTTS. Sorry?

  Pause.

  SKINNY. Fuck the kid. This –

  POTTS. Mickey –

  SKINNY. Excuse me Mickey. But really. Fuck the kid.

  MICKEY. Where is he? Where’s the kid?

  POTTS. Mickey –

  SKINNY. This isn’t about the kid.

  MICKEY. Is my question.

  SKINNY. This isn’t about Silver Johnny.

  MICKEY. Where is he Sidney?

  POTTS. I don’t know. Well I’m not in charge am I…

  MICKEY. Did he leave?

  POTTS. He’ll be round his mum’s. He’ll be having a nap.

  MICKEY. No one saw him leave?

  POTTS. Sorry. It’s dark down there. Maybe you want the full story you should have been here. I don’t know.

  SKINNY. Hold it. Hold it. Mickey wasn’t here. We were here. You were fucking here. You were here too so stop slinging shit.

  MICKEY. Right. Right. All of you. Listen to me. Listen. What time did the kid come off?

  SKINNY. Eleven. Sung ‘Boogie Woogie Flu’ came off.

  MICKEY. Eleven.

  SWEETS. Just before. I didn’t see.

  MICKEY. And Ezra left?

  POTTS. Yes.

  MICKEY. Right. Right. Who with?

  POTTS. No one.

  MICKEY. He left on his own?

  POTTS. Entirely on his own.

  MICKEY. Skinny, did you see him leave?

  SKINNY. I was handing out the fucking coats for a change.

  MICKEY. Right. Then you all came up here. It’s. (Pause.) So I get called at eight say. That’s five hours. And no one heard nothing.

  POTTS. What like.

  MICKEY. What like? What like? Like someone sawing your boss in two outside the fucking window.

  POTTS. We didn’t hear nothing. We had the juke on.

  SKINNY. You have to listen… Mickey, these are the people you got here. They fuckin’ –

  POTTS. I like the juke on.

  SKINNY. They get it all day long they’ve got to listen to it all night.

  POTTS. I like the juke on. You put on a quiet platter you don’t expect to have to listen out for untold carnage in your fuckin’ back alley.

  SKINNY. You live in a dream world.

  POTTS. So now I did it. I did it. It’s all my fault Charlie Chan. You caught me straight off. I popped out to stretch my legs, bumped into Ezra, strolled around the back, and sawed him in two. Why don’t we all kill each –

  SKINNY. Listen you fuck –

  POTTS. Yeah. Kill each other now make it fucking simple.

>   SKINNY. No one stuck a fucking cutlass up your nose for breakfast did they? You’re jumpy?

  POTTS. Look at him getting on Mickey’s side.

  SKINNY. There are no sides. There’s just our side and them.

  POTTS. They just sawed one of us in two. I don’t think I want to be on our side.

  Pause.

  SKINNY. Mickey, what do you think. Do you think we’re finished?

  Silence. MICKEY takes his tie off and puts it on the desk.

  SWEETS. Mickey. There was something.

  POTTS. Sweets –

  SWEETS. He was talk – (To POTTS.) What?

  POTTS. Can I speak to you? Please can I speak to you please. Aside for a tick. Please. Excuse me, Sweets please.

  SWEETS. What?

  POTTS. Can I speak to you?

  SWEETS. What?

  POTTS (quietly). Do we know about this Sweets? I don’t think we know about this.

  SWEETS. They said. It’s finished.

  POTTS. Fish are jumping Sweets. Fish are still jumping.

  SWEETS. It’s now.

  POTTS. We spoke about this. And it’s not over. It’s not over necessarily. You see?

  SKINNY. Is this some game between you two?

  POTTS. Sweets. My advice, please, and I’ve thought about this, is ‘Shut the uck up’.

  MICKEY. Tell me Sweets.

  SWEETS. Um. (Pause.) I think maybe Mr Ross was here.

  Pause.

  MICKEY. Where?

  SWEETS. Last night. We thought perhaps Mr Ross was here last night.

  MICKEY. Look at me. Look at me.

  POTTS. Mickey –

  MICKEY. Shut up. Shut your mouth.

  SWEETS. We thought you’d been told.

  MICKEY. Did you see him?

  SWEETS. Well not exactly.

  MICKEY. Hang on. What do you mean ‘not exactly’. What the fuck does that mean?

  SWEETS. Sid did.

  Everyone looks at POTTS.

  POTTS. Okay. Okay. Okay. It’s simple. Mickey. If you’ll just give me thirty seconds and don’t say anything because you don’t want to get angry, I don’t want to get angry, none of us does, we’re all good ol’ boys and all that so let’s take it easy. Okay? Right. Now. It goes like this: What Sweets just said. It’s a lie.

  SWEETS. Sid.

  SKINNY. What’s going on?

  POTTS. It’s bollocks. It’s not true.

  SWEETS. Oh. Sid?

  POTTS. That’s – What? What?

  SWEETS. It’s just they said we’re finished.

  Pause.

  POTTS. Shut up. Mickey. It’s simple. What Sweets has said is not true. He thinks it’s true but actually it’s not. You see?

  MICKEY. No Sidney. No I don’t.

  POTTS. Okay. Please. Please. Can I finish. Please? I know. I know, but. Hold on. Hold on. Exactly. Relax Mickey and I’ll say.

  SKINNY. I don’t believe this.

  POTTS. Hang on. Hang on. Mickey. Listen. This is my point. There was a chap here. But it weren’t Mr Ross.

  SWEETS. Sam.

  SKINNY. What?

  SWEETS. That’s his name. Sam Ross.

  SKINNY. Oh for fuck’s sake Sid.

  POTTS. We don’t know it was him. We – don’t… excuse… Mickey. Some bloke called Sam. Could be Sam Spade. Sam Cooke. Sam Davis Junior.

  Excuse me. Excuse me. I cannot put my hand on my heart and say yes I saw him. Because I’ve never clapped eyes on the man in my life, I’m working all night I’m full of pills, people coming and going. Faces. Saturday night. I’m like who’s this, who’s this, drink more, smoke more. Busy busy busy. Really can’t say.

  SKINNY. I don’t fucking believe this.

  MICKEY. What did he look like?

  POTTS. Normal. Everyday.

  MICKEY. Sweets, what did he look like?

  SWEETS. I didn’t see him.

  MICKEY. What was he wearing?

  POTTS. Usual. Trousers. Shirt. Jacket. Menswear.

  SWEETS. And uh… Sid…

  POTTS. What? What the fuck are you going to say now? What the fuck else might you possibly… hold on… Hold on. Shut up. What might you possibly wish to add?

  SWEETS. Well… About the fifty-fifty.

  POTTS (to MICKEY). I don’t know what he’s talking about.

  SWEETS. About them saying fifty-fifty.

  POTTS. I didn’t say that.

  SWEETS. Oh. Right. I thought you did.

  POTTS. That’s not what I said. Mickey. I thought they might have. I thought they might have said fifty-fifty. I was excited. All right. I was excited and a bit honky-tonk. It’s not my business who comes here who doesn’t. I take the tickets on the door and then I help clean up after. I drive –

  SKINNY. Sid –

  POTTS. I – Hang on. Hang on, because I… Some days I drive the van and I fix the machines. I don’t front the place up. I hear a little rumour and I pass it on. That’s me. I’m a cunt. Everyone knows it. So what? Doesn’t make me Al Capone.

  MICKEY. Sweets. Listen. Did he have yellow hair? (Pause.) I’m asking you. Did he have bright yellow hair?

  Pause. MICKEY walks up to POTTS and slaps his face.

  SWEETS. Oh fuck… Oh fucking Nora. We’re dead.

  SKINNY. What?

  MICKEY. Is it locked downstairs?

  SWEETS. They’re coming for us. Mr Ross is coming for us.

  MICKEY. What did I tell you? Look at me. What did I fucking tell you?

  SWEETS. They all came up here for a meeting.

  MICKEY. How many of them was there?

  SWEETS. Three or four. Two with tattoos. One thinks he’s all fashionable. Maybe a couple more. I couldn’t tell.

  MICKEY. Sidney, tell me what you saw.

  POTTS. Fuck off.

  SKINNY. Tell him Sidney. What happened.

  POTTS. Fucking handing out the cuffs. Getting all cuffy when I’m over here trying my best. Fuck off.

  SWEETS. Give over Sid, we’re all bang in this now.

  POTTS. Really helps that. I’m feeling really relaxed now.

  MICKEY. Are you listening? Did they leave with Silver Johnny?

  POTTS. Hold it. Hold it. It was fucking busy, we work here, it’s the middle of the night it’s packed and you’re too ill to be here, I’m supposed to leave the party, leave the night in the middle of everything seek you out to report back some half piece of information ain’t even our lookout. Sorry, I’m not doing my job, next time I’ll know. Who made you Prime Minister anyway? I get my wage off Ezra and he’s dead. I don’t answer to you, and no one else here does either. You have head cold. You weren’t there so you don’t know. You’re walking in at the end.

  Re-enter BABY.

  BABY (sings). They call it a teenage crush,

  They can’t believe it’s real.

  They call it a teenage crush,

  They don’t know how I feel.

  Pause.

  SWEETS. Baby…

  SKINNY. Mickey. Mickey… Mickey… Fuckin’ hell. You know. Fucking hell.

  MICKEY. Shut up.

  SKINNY. You know? Fuckin’ hell.

  MICKEY. Shut up. All right? Shut up.

  BABY produces five toffee apples from behind his back.

  BABY (sings). They’ve forgotten when they were young.

  And the way they yearned to be free

  All they say is the young generation

  Is not what they used to be.

  He gives each person a toffee apple.

  This is just for now. Tonight Skinny Luke I’m gonna buy you a drink apologise. I’m gonna buy Mickey a drink apologise. I’m gonna apologise to everyone.

  SKINNY. Mickey… Baby…

  MICKEY. It’s all right. Baby, I call… I got a call this morning. Somebody’s murdered your dad.

  BABY stands still. He puts his toffee apple down on MICKEY’s desk, walks around the desk and sits in the chair. They watch him.

  BABY. Guess what I just saw. (Pause.) Out there. Go on. Guess.


  MICKEY. Baby –

  BABY. Have a guess. Out there on Dean Street. Have a guess.

  Silence.

  SWEETS (quietly). Some girl?

  Pause.

  BABY. Wrong. Mickey?

  MICKEY. I don’t know.

  BABY. Guess.

  MICKEY. Baby –

  BABY. Sidney? Have a guess.

  POTTS. I don’t know.

  BABY. Have a guess. Have a guess.

  POTTS. Tony Curtis. Give up.

  BABY. Guess. No. Guess.

  POTTS. Henry the Eighth?

  BABY laughs at this. Pause.

  BABY. There’s a Buick parked out there. A Buick in Dean Street. Right outside the Bath House. It’s brilliant. (Pause.) Makes it look like Las Vegas. (With a soft G. Pause.) Tonna kids hanging off it pretending they’re… they’re in a film. (Pause.) What’s happening to this town? A Buick.

  Silence.

  MICKEY (to SKINNY). Is it locked downstairs?

  SKINNY. I’ll check.

  MICKEY. Go and check. Check the back and the front and check the windows. Check everything then come back up here.

  SKINNY. I will. Mickey –

  MICKEY. Check the windows check the doors. What?

  Do that and come back up. Don’t go outside.

  SKINNY. Right. (Pause.) Baby, look, I’m sorry about before, I had the card in my sock. I’m sorry. I’m not… with the pills…

  Pause.

  BABY (to SKINNY). Why didn’t you say so earlier? I’ve just spent fivepence on presents.

  SKINNY. What? Yes.

  BABY. Toffee apples. Fivepence.

  SKINNY. I know.

  BABY. You cost me fivepence. Penny each. Five of us. Fivepence. You’ve just said sorry. You owe me fivepence for toffee apples.

  MICKEY. Okay look –

  BABY. It’s your fault (hang on). It’s your fault pay for the toffee apples.

  SKINNY. I don’t have it.

  BABY. Borrow it off someone.

  MICKEY. Baby don’t mess around.

  BABY. I think things should be fair round here now, or we’ll all start wondering if we’re getting done fairly. We don’t want any hard feeling what with everything else do we. Do we?

  MICKEY. No…

  BABY (to SKINNY). Then pay me. Pay me. Pay me.

  Pause.

  SKINNY. Mickey can I borrow fivepence?

  MICKEY. Okay. Okay. Let’s do this first. Because this is quite jolly. Are you having fun?

  MICKEY finds the money and makes to give it to BABY.

  BABY. Ah ah. Not to me. To Luke.

  MICKEY. Just take the money. Take the money.

  Pause. He does, and puts it in his pocket.

  BABY. I accept your apology Luke.

  MICKEY. Check it’s all locked up come back up.