Dealing with Blue

by Stacia Leigh

  “No, it’s not. Not when there’re dead rats in our kitchen.”

  “Oh, man,” J.J. whispered, wiping a hand up his forehead to clutch his hair.

  “J.J.” Gary said firmly and jerked his head toward the door.

  “It’s not safe. And what about me?” Suzy touched her chest. “Your own flesh and blood, your own daughter. I’m your only kid, but I’ve always had to live with dad because there was never any room for me here.” Her hand shook, so she dropped it and stared at all the space, a museum exhibit, a slice of life from a happier time before the Blue family fractured and fell into the dirt. “This is crazy!”

  “I made sacrifices. I called and asked your dad to help me make the room. Do you know how hard it was for me? I…” Marsha’s hand slithered up to her throat like it was an effort to swallow. “I wanted you here. I still do, but you don’t appreciate any of it.”

  “This place smells like a dump, and if I trip on that coffee maker sitting in the hallway one more time, I’ll—I can’t do this anymore. I can’t live here!” Suzy screamed up at a hanging cobwebs. She was done, over it, fin, as in The End. Like J.J. said, there was no going back.

  “Don’t you say that.” Marsha narrowed her black-smudged eyes, and her fists vibrated at her sides. “Don’t you walk out on the sacrifices I made for you and for me…for both of us. Big ones, so you could stay here. But all you do is criticize me, look down your nose at me in disgust. You don’t appreciate the things I do, the things I’ve done so that we could…could…” Marsha flapped her hands in the dusty air, as if she were searching for the right words. “Could heal and grow.”

  Heal and grow, here? Only if she were a giant-sized mushroom.

  Suzy opened her mouth and abruptly closed it. She had nothing else to say. Her temples throbbed like a ticking bomb, ready to explode, and she had the sudden urge to gulp at some fresh air. Out. She had to get out. If she didn’t leave now, she’d say things she would definitely regret. Shaking her head, she turned and left the room.

  Once in hers, she flung the door shut, finally alone—

  “Hey!” she yelped as her door bounced off a muscular arm. J.J. whipped it closed and leaned against it. He puffed out a quick breath.

  “This is bad,” J.J. said, his eyes, big and round. “Grab your things, and let’s get out of here.” He pushed away, swooped her backpack off the floor, and tossed it on her bed. It bounced heavily with her school books. “Do you have a bag for some clothes?” He studied her, but she could only stand there, lost in a lava flow of emotions. “Suzy, a bag? C’mon, you with me?” He snapped his fingers in front of her face. But she couldn’t move. Tears pounded on the backs of her eyeballs, ready for a tsunami.

  “I mean, I hate to paw through your undie-drawer, but let’s get a move on.” J.J. pulled the top dresser drawer open and dug through the scraps of cotton and lace. He pulled out a hot pink bra and let it dangle off his finger as his dark eyebrows slowly drew together. He lowered it and turned to her. “I don’t know what you need. You really should do this yourself. Suzy?”

  “J.J., I never wanted you to see this. I’m so sorry!” The dam burst, turning her into a blubbering fool. She sank onto the edge of her bed with hands up to shield her face. J.J. had co-mingled with her filth, and her mother was crazy. This was the end; she couldn’t stay here, not another day in this house. She’d buy a tent and live in the woods. All she’d need was a bottle of water, a loaf of bread, and maybe even a pillow.

  There was a soft knock on the door.

  J.J. gasped and slammed the dresser drawer closed.

  “May I come in?” Gary asked, his voice muffled and calm. “I need to speak to J.J.”

  She dropped her hands, sniffing, and glanced at J.J., who sagged onto the bed beside her with his head down.

  “Man.” He kneaded the back of his neck and groaned. “I need an ibuprofen.”

  Suzy smudged at the wet tears with her hands and stood to open the door.

  Gary blocked the entrance with his plaid shirt and bulky frame. He had large, strong arms and a whiskery face that would put the fear of God in most people if it weren’t for his crinkling green eyes. They looked ready to erupt into laughter at any moment, except this one. With tan fingers, he flipped his black hat off, combed his stubby hair to the side, and cinched it back on.

  “Hi, Suzy,” Gary said apologetically. He leaned into the room to make eye contact with J.J. and jerked his whiskered chin to the side. “We need to go, son.”

  “Dad.” J.J. eased off the bed and splayed his fingers over his denim-clad hips. “Suzy’s coming with us. I’m not leaving her in this house.” He shook his head urgently. “You saw it, and there’s no way. She’s packing a bag now. Right, Suzy?”

  His green eyes sought hers, and the tsunami evaporated away as she stared back. How could he even stand to look at her like that? Like they were in this together, like she wasn’t a tear-soaked mess, like she wasn’t disgusting? He saw the crazy inside of #17, but he was still here—for her, with her. The wet and squishy blob twisted in her chest and formed back into a full beating heart. It might have even skipped a couple beats at the warmth in his eyes, surrounded, of course, by insane eyelashes.

  She stepped closer to J.J. and her fingers brushed down his arm, to his hand and rested against his metal splint. You broke it…I’m changed…you’re a part of me.

  “I’m sorry I broke your finger, J.J.,” Suzy said, focusing on the blue tape keeping his finger straight.

  “All’s forgiven, buttercup,” he said.

  Gary leaned heavily against the doorjamb and dropped his chin, blowing a loud breath over his chest. He rubbed his eyes and tilted his head to the side to study J.J. and Suzy from under the brim of his cap.

  “Suzy,” Gary said tiredly, “this is between you and your mom, but our door is open if you need a place to stay tonight. I can talk to Marsha on our way out.”

  “We’re going out this way, Dad.” J.J. threw his thumb over his shoulder toward the open window, then pointed to the hallway. “Going through there? No can do.”

  Chapter 19: Enter Sandman

  J.J. stretched his denim legs along the back cushions of the overstuffed couch, his feet reaching Suzy’s loose coppery curls. She didn’t move. She lay beside him, her head at the opposite end, dead to the world. At least part of his wish had come true; he got to cuddle with Suzy in front of the TV. But they couldn’t very well play nurse when his parents, Monty included, hovered nearby. And as it turned out, Suzy wasn’t really all that sympathetic about his broken finger because—she twitched against him, her eyelids closed, and her mouth open—she was off in dreamland.

  Cute.

  J.J. studied Suzy’s pert nose covered with a mist of freckles. Didn’t she care about missing his new favorite show? The tatted chef with barbells in his face pulled out a piping hot loaf of banana bread with his studded black oven mitt. Would the chef’s biker-baker buddies devour or destroy the dessert? It was the moment of truth, yet Suzy snored softly with her bare feet in J.J.’s face. His hand rested warmly around her toes, and he smiled.

  Too cute.

  He turned his attention back to the television, but his phone buzzed on the coffee table next to him.

  WILL: Yonline?

  JJ: Watching Badass Baker.

  WILL: Dude ur lame. Log on…time 2 roast ogres.

  JJ: Later, man. I’m with S.

  WILL: She needs to get busy with our BS paper. She’s the smerf one.

  WILL: smerf=smart

  WILL: BTW did u level-up yet? Lol. Come on, u can tell me, buddy. ;)

  JJ: You=chunky salsa.

  “What are you grinning at?” Suzy stretched her arms behind her head, then smacked her lips as she inched up to sitting. She dropped her feet to the carpet and swept her tangled hair off her forehead. “I should go to bed. I’m so tired.”

  JJ: Get your own girlfriend and stop thinking about mine.

  WILL: U=griefer madness.

  “Wi
ll says, ‘hi,’” J.J. said and leaned to set his phone back on the coffee table.

  “Did you tell him about…” Suzy shifted her eyes toward the door, where across the back lawn sat her own trailer and Marsha.

  “No. I wouldn’t. It’s no one’s business but yours.” He pulled his legs back and faced her across the couch. “Listen, I’m glad you’re here.”

  “Thanks, J.J. I’m…” Suzy’s face turned a soft pink. “I’m sorry you had to see that.”

  J.J. brushed his fingertip over the back of her hand. He was sorry she had to live it. But she was here, now, with him. He opened his mouth, comforting words ready to spring off his tongue, but Monty jumped in ahead of him.

  “Don’t be embarrassed, Suzy,” Monty said, pulling J.J. to standing. He clapped J.J.’s back, sending a zing of pain up his neck. “It’s as simple as you needed help, and we gave it.”

  “We?” J.J. balked. Why, exactly, was Monty horning in on his private moment, including himself in the hero’s glory? J.J. was the protector here, not Monty.

  “Yes we. We’re a family. You like Suzy. We all…” Monty drew an air circle around the room. “…like Suzy. Don’t be such a territorial schmuck.”

  “I like Suzy! She’s smerf.” Little Oops popped up from behind the arm of the couch, her brown hair pulled back in piggy tails and held with pink rubber bands.

  What a snoop. J.J. narrowed his eyes and growled at her. Oh, you are getting it later.

  “See?” Monty tugged the end of Oopsie’s hair. “G’night you. I’ve got to go home and tuck in my own crew. Don’t skimp on the sleep, Suzy, you’ll need it for tomorrow. G’night.” Monty hollered into the kitchen, breaking up Mom and Dad’s covert whisper-fest. Then, he nodded at Suzy and J.J. before making his grandiose exit.

  “The Boss,” J.J. muttered and turned to Suzy. “He always knows what’s best.”

  * * *

  Suzy sat on the lower bunk next to Stella—or Little Oops, as everyone seemed to call her. It was a double bed, and the top bunk was a single. It was hard to imagine J.J.’s three sisters all living in this tiny room together. No wonder they split the second they were done with high school. All three were off exploring the world, and the room echoed with vacancy.

  There were very few personal items left. Either they were carried away to apartments and dorm rooms or absconded with by Stella. Fair ribbons, one purple and two red, were tacked to the wall next to hanging photographs of kittens. An empty wood desk engraved with lead and ink from years of hard-pressed writing sat next to a shelf filled with books. Even though the room looked well-used, it was clean and tidy, everything Marsha was not.

  Why? Why did Mom live like that? It was her choice, wasn’t it?

  Ugh! Don’t go there.

  She couldn’t think about Marsha right now…or her dad…or her own future…or anything. Sleep. She needed to escape, to close her eyes and drift away. Suzy patted the honeycomb quilt underneath her. She was here in J.J.’s house, not over there with her mom. She’d relish the moment because who knew what tomorrow would bring.

  Stella or Little Oops—what a weird nickname—held up a long-haired doll with ginormous eyes filled with wonder, a favorite from her princess collection.

  “This is Rapunzel. She has blonde hair, but yours is red, and J.J. says you’re like Rapunzel in your tower. I think you’re running away from Mama Gothel.”

  “Oopsie.” J.J. leaned in from the doorway. Apparently he’d been watching them. With a slight chin tilt, he said, “Scram. It’s your bedtime. Leave Suzy alone, so she can rest.”

  “Mom didn’t say.” Stella lowered her doll and frowned.

  “I say. Now, go.” J.J. stepped into the room, growling like a mean beast. His hands stiffened into claws, except for his blue finger. The splint poked up like an antenna. Stella shrieked and scurried behind Suzy, clutching at her tightly.

  “Uh, oh…someone’s going to get it from the nine-fingered monster.” Suzy smirked.

  “Where’s my sympathy?” J.J. asked flexing his bendable fingers.

  “Suzy, save me!” Stella screamed as J.J. swooped down, grabbed his little sister around the waist, and hauled her up with limbs flailing.

  “Let go of her. You’re stretching her shirt. Oopsie…” J.J. warned, and Stella laughed, but she finally let go. His arm scooped under her front, and Stella flung hers out like a soaring bird.

  “Wheeee! I’m a butterfly. Fly me around the room.” Stella flapped her arms and pumped her legs like she was part dolphin. “I want to dive down for a goodnight kiss from the princess.” J.J. twirled her once around the room, then swung her down to Suzy.

  “Hurry, you’re killing my finger.” J.J. grunted holding her out.

  “Goodnight butterfly,” Suzy said and pecked Stella’s cheek.

  “I’m hugging you with my butterfly wings,” Stella said, wrapping her arms around Suzy’s neck. J.J. pulled her away and flew her out of the room. Or tried to. Stella grabbed the door jamb and jerked him back. After a mini tug-of-war, Stella lost her grip and quickly disappeared down the hall, laughing with glee.

  “Have sweet dreams, Rapunzel! You’re free from your tower,” Stella sang out. “Now fly me to Daddy.”

  “C’mon, Oops.” J.J.’s voice faded as he walked farther away. “You’re heavy…”

  Suzy dug through the canvas duffel bag she’d brought but sat back on her haunches, empty handed. Earlier, everything had gone down so fast, and now she was left unorganized and kind of lost.

  “What’s wrong?” J.J. sauntered into the room, rubbing the nape of his neck. He’d dumped the frolicking butterfly somewhere at the other end of the house.

  “I forgot my pajamas.” Suzy pressed fingers to her temples and made slow, gentle circles. What else could go wrong?

  “No jammies?” J.J. shook his head. “Great. You know you drive me crazy, right?” His green eyes flashed along with a wicked smile.

  “Really?” Suzy quirked her brows. Was he ever serious?

  He nodded with a grin and left the room.

  Suzy blew out her breath and flopped back onto the smooth bedspread. To keep her mind from wondering over to trailer #17, she studied the carved-up wood slats under the top bunk. Butterfly kisses and ladybug hugs wrote a pen in loopy letters. ENTER SANDMAN wrote a chunky, black marker. Girls club wrote a pencil. FREAK FORT the black marker wrote. Private, stay out! scrawled someone in blue. WELCOME TO NEVER LAND retaliated the black marker next to a sketched skull.

  Pretty creepy. How was she supposed to sleep knowing some dark nature had been in this bed, scribbling over sweet, girly sentiments? Was it J.J. harassing his sisters?

  Thinking of the devil, J.J. slipped into the room and nudged the door closed with his toe. He dropped a white t-shirt onto her lap, something for her to sleep in, and flopped beside her with his arms behind his head.

  “Enter sandman.” He laughed. “So weak.”

  “Is that your writing?” Suzy pointed to the dark marker.

  “No, it’s Monty’s. Everyone had to shuffle rooms when I came along. Five kids and three bedrooms? Thankfully, I’ve never had to sleep here. I’ve always had my own space. It pays, being the last ones out of the chute.”

  “Hmm. I was an only kid. You were surrounded by people, and I was surrounded by stuff. Well…that’s not really true. I lived with my dad after my parents got divorced, so I guess I wasn’t surrounded until now.”

  Suzy blinked up at those slats again. Wow…five kids and that didn’t include Stella. All those memories, the good, the bad, and Mr. Creepy Black Marker. Suzy had good memories, too. She’d lived with her dad up in the beautiful mountains. Tessa had lived nearby, and they used to play adventurers, running through the sticks, picking huckleberries, and floating on inner tubes on Lunar Pond.

  Suzy yawned.

  “I’m tired,” she said, pulling her eyelids open.

  “You know, I think Monty’s right. You should get lots of rest. You’ll have to see your mom tomorrow.”
J.J. leaned in and kissed Suzy gently on the temple. “Goodnight, I…” He frowned, crawled off the bed, and looked down at her. “I’ll see you in the morning,” he said with a nod and left the room again.

  Suzy tugged J.J.’s t-shirt over her head, but unfortunately, it didn’t smell like him. It smelled like laundry detergent and a fragrant dryer sheet. No distraction there. The bunk slats hovered above her, but with the lights out, she couldn’t make out the words in the dark. No distraction there, either. She let her eyes close, and the flood gates opened.

  Her mom held onto something that no longer existed. It wasn’t Suzy who was stuck. No, it was Marsha. She was the one who couldn’t let go, who couldn’t move on. She was the one who needed freedom. Trailer #17 was like the limbic system of her mom’s brain, messy and emotional.

  Suzy couldn’t go back; she couldn’t live there again. But where could she go? She hadn’t saved enough money for anything. No car, no rent, no running away to Tessa in Bozeman. Could she even leave J.J. when things seemed so right with him? Her heart squeezed behind her ribs. What would happen at school? What if kids found out? J.J. wouldn’t say anything. She knew that now. But she still had to finish her junior year, and then she had her senior year to look forward to. But what would she and Marsha do in the meantime? How would they be?

  Her mind started the madness all over again, like tumbling clothes in the dryer until she flopped her arms out impatiently. Stop! She tugged on the covers and rolled over. Think about something different.

  Think about Dad. What was he doing right now? Was he safe under a camouflage shelter? Or was he tired and scared, trudging with heavy boots through the heat and sand—

  The door squeaked on its hinges, and Suzy’s eyes flew open.

  “Shhh. It’s me.” J.J.’s warm breath tickled her ear. “Scoot over.”

  Suzy inched out of her cozy spot to make room, and J.J. slipped between the sheets beside her. His hands found her under the covers, and he pulled her back into the warmth.