Deliver Me

by Karen Cole

  ‘So, what’s going on with you?’ Ellie asks when they’ve stopped laughing and caught their breath. ‘I feel like I hardly see you these days. Have you been avoiding me?’

  ‘Course not,’ Abby says. She stops in a clearing and takes a deep breath. ‘But there is something . . . something I need to tell you . . .’

  Ellie stops and gives her a searching look. ‘What is it? Tell me. You’re making me nervous.’

  Abby’s heart is racing. It’ll be like ripping off a plaster she tells herself. Quick and painless.

  ‘I’m pregnant,’ she says. And she strides ahead so that she won’t have to look Ellie in the eye. For a second, Ellie looked so wounded that Abby wants to wrap her in her arms. But the look passes so quickly she might have imagined it. She hopes she imagined it.

  ‘How many months?’ Ellie catches up with her. Her voice is careful, as if she’s measuring out gunpowder with a teaspoon.

  ‘Over four already.’

  Ellie digests this. ‘And how long have you known?’

  ‘Since March.’

  There’s a silence as they walk on out of the woods, past horses in fields, estate workers’ cottages and the rusty shells of abandoned farm machinery.

  ‘Is it Ben’s?’ asks Ellie eventually.

  ‘No.’

  ‘Oh, I thought maybe that time you went to London you might have hooked up again.’

  ‘No.’ It’s true Abby went to London just before Christmas and she met up with Ben and Chloe for lunch, but nothing happened. She just sat there watching Ben and Chloe being smug, and trying to pretend she was completely over it all.

  ‘So, whose is it?’ Ellie says, stopping to pick up a stick for Hector and flinging it into the air.

  Abby takes a deep breath. ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘You don’t know?’ Ellie stops in her tracks, staring at Abby incredulously.

  ‘It happened on New Year’s, at Danny’s party. I was so drunk that night I don’t remember anything.’

  Ellie shakes her head. ‘Oh my God, Abby, that’s awful. Are you alright?’

  Abby’s voice wobbles, and tears spring up in her eyes. ‘Not really,’ she manages to say. ‘I think that my drink might have been spiked, that someone targeted me.’

  Ellie takes her hand and squeezes it. ‘Oh, Abby,’ she says. ‘I don’t think you need to worry about that. Surely none of Danny’s friends would do something like that? I mean, you probably just blacked out from drinking too much. It happens all the time. I saw it so many times when I was on rotation at the STD clinic, people who got wasted and couldn’t remember if they had used protection or even who they went home with.’ She frowns as another thought occurs to her. ‘You should get yourself tested, Abby, just in case. I mean, I’m sure it will be okay, but it’s better to be on the safe side.’

  Abby wipes her eyes and nods. She knows she should do as Ellie says, but she just can’t face going through a whole series of invasive tests right now. She’s got enough going on. She’s relieved, though, that Ellie doesn’t think that it’s likely she was drugged or raped. She respects Ellie’s opinion and wants to believe that she’s right. But there’s still a nagging voice at the back of her head that won’t allow her to completely discard the idea.

  ‘But that’s not all. Some weird stuff has been happening.’ Abby walks on, shoving her hands in her pockets. ‘I’ve been getting weird texts and all those flowers.’

  ‘But I thought the flowers were from the guy you went to the cinema with?’ Ellie keeps pace, glancing sideways at her.

  ‘Alex. That’s what I thought at first, but no. They’re not from him.’

  They’ve reached the old stone folly, and they sit on the cold metal seat inside, staring out at the ride. A man walks past with a red setter, and then a mother trailing children and dogs.

  ‘I mean, I know it sounds crazy . . .’ says Abby.

  ‘It is strange,’ Ellie agrees. She looks deep in thought.

  ‘Then a few days ago I received this.’ She takes her phone out of her back pocket and shows Ellie the message.

  Stay away from Alex Taylor.

  Ellie reads it, frowning. ‘But I don’t understand. Why would anyone want you to stay away from him?’

  ‘I don’t know.’ Abby sighs. She hasn’t put it all together in her head yet, but she feels there’s something she’s missing. Something at the back of her mind, just out of reach.

  ‘Maybe it’s from his ex?’ Ellie suggests as they stand and continue their walk back down the main ride towards the car. ‘You said he was married before, right?’

  ‘Hmm, maybe,’ Abby says, unconvinced.

  They walk on for a while in silence, each lost in their own thoughts.

  ‘You know, I used to come here a lot, after I lost the baby,’ Ellie says, suddenly stopping under a chestnut tree by the fence with a sign that says KEEP OUT.

  Abby stares at the sign, confused. ‘But it’s private property.’

  ‘So? They never use it and it’s the one place I knew I could be completely alone. It’s really beautiful down there. There’s a lake and an old ruined house.’

  ‘Ellie, I know this must be hard for you—’

  ‘Not at all,’ Ellie interrupts, giving her a brittle smile. ‘I knew there was something going on with you, but I never would have guessed . . . that you were pregnant. I can’t believe my little sister is going to have a baby.’ Her voice cracks a little, and Abby glances at her anxiously. She takes Abby’s hand and squeezes it. ‘But I’m really happy. Why wouldn’t I be? I’m going to be an aunt. How about you, are you okay with this? You’re going to have a baby. I know it’s not exactly the ideal circumstances, but is there a part of you that’s excited, at least?’

  ‘Sure,’ Abby lies. Because how can she explain to Ellie, who wants nothing more than to be a mother, that the thought fills her with revulsion? She feels afraid, too. Not just of having the baby and being a mother but of something else. A feeling she hasn’t quite put into words yet.

  As they reach the gates, and Ellie calls Hector and puts him on the lead, Abby realizes what it is that’s making her feel afraid.

  The person who sent the message about Alex sent it the day after her date. They must have known she was with Alex that evening. They must have been watching her.

  Thirteen

  ‘If a pregnant woman is starving, guess who dies first, the woman or the unborn baby?’ Thea throws this question out there, apropos of nothing.

  It’s Thea’s birthday dinner, and Abby and Danny are at her house sitting round her large kitchen table. On the table is the detritus of a large Greek-themed meal Chris has cooked; a half-eaten moussaka, bowls of salad, hummus, tzatziki and roast potatoes. Thea is on her fifth glass of prosecco already and she’s polished off the whole bottle pretty much by herself. She doesn’t seem to have noticed that Abby isn’t drinking.

  ‘I don’t know. Probably the woman?’ Danny guesses.

  ‘Yes!’ Thea looks at Abby. Her eyes are glassy and she’s slurring her words. ‘We always get a shitty deal, even from nature. It’s bad enough we have to deal with men and all their crap.’

  Chris rolls his eyes. ‘Haven’t I just cooked you a lovely meal and organized this lovely dinner with your friends? What more do you want?’

  Thea ignores him. ‘First, you’re sick and fat for nine months,’ she continues. ‘Then you go through the worst pain you can imagine. And all for what? So, you can produce a shitting, screaming little being—’

  ‘Hey, that’s our son you’re talking about!’ Chris interrupts, but Thea is on a roll.

  ‘Then they turn into this tyrannical dictator who expects you to indulge their every whim twenty-four seven.’

  Abby looks at the photo of Oliver pinned to the fridge. He’s in a bucket in Chris’s arms grinning up at him. He looks pretty angelic to her
.

  ‘Do you know what he did today? The ungrateful little brat actually bit me.’ Thea pulls up her sleeve and shows them a large bruise at the top of her arm. ‘All because I refused to let him play with an electric socket. I’m telling you, Abby, don’t ever get pregnant. Ever. It’s the end of the road. The end of life as we know it.’

  Abby takes a deep breath. ‘It’s a bit late for that.’

  Now that Ellie knows, she doesn’t see any reason why she shouldn’t start telling other people. She told Rob after her and Ellie got back from their walk and was surprised by the calm, uncharacteristically sensitive way he reacted.

  There’s a stunned silence. Chris and Thea stare at her. Danny fiddles with his fork.

  ‘What?’ says Thea.

  ‘I’m pregnant.’ She pulls her top tight to show them her rounded belly. She’s finally invested in some maternity trousers and her belly is straining at the elasticated waist. She’s surprised they haven’t noticed.

  ‘You’re kidding,’ says Chris.

  ‘What he means is, “That’s great, Abby.”’ Thea stands up and staggers over, kissing her sloppily on the cheek. ‘Congratulations. God, I feel awful now for what I was saying. I was just letting off steam. You know I don’t mean it.’

  ‘Who’s the lucky fella?’ asks Chris.

  Thea kicks him as she sits back down. ‘That’s none of our business,’ she hisses.

  ‘Ow, sorry,’ says Chris. ‘I was only asking.’

  ‘It’s okay,’ says Abby. She takes a deep breath. This is the difficult part. ‘Actually, I’m not entirely sure.’

  Thea giggles inappropriately, then covers her mouth and Chris’s mouth falls open.

  ‘What do you mean, you don’t know?’ he says.

  ‘It happened at my party,’ Danny explains. ‘Abby doesn’t remember. She drank a bit too much.’

  Abby takes a sip of prosecco. She needs it right now. ‘I was wondering, actually, if either of you saw me with anyone?’

  Thea frowns. ‘You were talking a lot with a dark, good-looking guy at the start of the evening. After that, I didn’t see you for a while. Then, at twelve o’clock, we all went out to watch the fireworks.’

  Lying on frosty grass staring up at the sky, holding someone’s hand.

  ‘It was you!’ Abby realizes. ‘We lay on the ground. Were we holding hands?’

  ‘Yes, that’s right. I think so. You were really pissed, kept telling me how much you loved me. But I went home after that. I needed to get back for the babysitter. But Chris might have seen more. You stayed until about two. Right, Chris?’

  ‘Yeah.’ Chris helps himself to a piece of baklava, cupping his hand underneath to stop the honey dripping. ‘To be honest, I didn’t see that much of you. The only time I saw you was just after Thea left. You were talking to some posh bloke in Mark’s room. Tall, ginger, kind of weaselly-looking. You looked like you were arguing.’

  ‘That’ll be Hugo,’ says Danny grimly. ‘I told you he’s a slimy piece of work.’

  He scrolls through his phone and shows Abby a photo of a young man. Pale lashes, cigarette in one hand, holding his other hand out to the camera as if it’s a paparazzi shot.

  Abby examines the picture carefully and shivers in recognition. It’s the man she remembers from Mark’s room, sitting under the musket. ‘I wonder what we were arguing about,’ she says thoughtfully. ‘I think I need to speak to him. Do you have his number, Danny?’

  Danny shakes his head. ‘Sorry, no. He’s notoriously difficult to get hold of. He’s travelling round the world at the moment. Last, I heard, he was in Thailand. Maybe you could find him on Facebook or Instagram?’

  ‘Do you know what we were arguing about?’ Abby asks Chris.

  Chris shrugs. ‘I don’t know. We left you to it, went to watch a boxset in Danny’s room.’

  ‘Who’s we?’

  ‘Me, Mark and Andy . . .’ Chris begins, but he breaks off because a little boy appears in minion pyjamas in the doorway.

  ‘What are you doing out of bed, Ollie?’

  ‘I’m thirsty,’ he says, staring wide-eyed at Abby and Danny.

  Chris sighs. ‘Come on, then.’ He stands up reluctantly and fills a plastic cup from the tap. ‘There you go, young man,’ he says, taking Ollie by the hand and disappearing upstairs.

  *

  ‘How are you coping?’ Thea asks later, pouring herself another drink. Chris is settling Oliver upstairs and Danny has gone out into the garden to smoke. Thea and Abby have settled in the living room on the slightly sticky leather sofas.

  ‘Not very well,’ Abby admits. ‘I feel invaded,’ She struggles to explain. ‘It’s as if my body’s not my own anymore, as if I’ve lost control of my own life.’

  Thea picks up a cushion and hugs it to her chest. ‘That’s totally understandable. I mean, it can be hard enough being pregnant under normal circumstances. It’s such a big change to your life, your body, but this . . .’ She tails off.

  ‘There’s something else, too.’ Abby voices the fear that’s been gnawing away at the back of her mind. ‘I don’t know if I’m being paranoid, but I think someone may have spiked my drink.’ Her voice lowers to a whisper. ‘I think I was raped.’

  Thea’s eyes widen. She drops the cushion and leans forward. ‘I don’t think that’s such a crazy idea. It’s more common than you think.’ She hesitates. She seems to be trying to decide whether to say something. ‘When I was at uni I went to this party . . .’ She swallows. Whatever she wants to say, she’s finding it difficult. ‘Everything was fine. I was having a good time, drinking a bit, but not too much. Next thing I knew it was the morning, and I was halfway across Manchester in some random man’s bed. He told me nothing had happened, but when I got home my friend persuaded me to go to the doctor’s and I tested positive for Rohypnol.’ For a second Thea’s expression darkens, and she stares down at the carpet, deep in thought. Then she looks up at Abby.

  ‘Oh my God, I had no idea,’ says Abby, feeling shocked. ‘That must have been horrible.’

  ‘It’s in the past. I try not to think about it.’ Thea shakes her head and sighs. Then she looks up at Abby and takes her hand. ‘How about you, though? I’m so sorry this has happened to you, Abs. You must feel really upset and angry.’

  She does feel angry, furiously angry, Abby realizes, as well as violated, disgusted and ashamed. She can’t shake off the idea that somehow this is all her fault, though she knows that if it were anyone else in her place, she would never believe that they were to blame.

  ‘The worst is, I don’t know who to be angry with,’ she says. It’s a relief to talk to someone who seems to understand. Danny doesn’t really get it, and with Ellie, she feels like she has to pretend she’s happy about this pregnancy.

  ‘What are you going to do?’

  ‘I really have no idea.’ Tears are welling up in her eyes ‘It’s just all a big mess.’ Something about Thea’s sympathy sets her off and she finds herself crying, big sobs that shake her belly and make the baby inside her flutter.

  ‘Oh, Abby.’ Thea moves to sit next to her on the sofa and puts her arm around her. ‘Look, tell me to shut up if I’m out of order, but I know a great clinic. I can give you the number, if you decide on an abortion.’

  ‘It’s too late for that,’ says Abby, wiping her eyes.

  Thea stares at her. ‘How far gone are you?’

  ‘Five months.’

  ‘Really? You don’t look that big,’ Thea takes a swig of wine. ‘Anyway, I could take you there. We could try. Sometimes they can bend the rules in exceptional circumstances and I think your circumstances count as exceptional.’

  ‘Thanks,’ says Abby. ‘But I’m going to be okay. I’m going to look into adoption.’ It’s a decision she made a while ago, but she hasn’t told anybody yet.

  ‘Are you sure? There was this
girl I took to the clinic I’m talking about. She was twenty-seven weeks, but they went ahead with an abortion anyway because she was so young and for other reasons . . .’ Thea breaks off. ‘Shit, I really am too drunk. I shouldn’t be telling you all this.’

  Abby takes out a tissue and wipes her eyes. ‘Who was the girl?’ she asks.

  ‘I shouldn’t have told you. I promised. Just a girl from school. She didn’t want her parents to know.’

  Abby stares at her. ‘Jesus. Really, Thea?’ Thea could get into so much trouble. She’s not supposed to divulge that kind of information. If a pupil tells a teacher anything like that, they’re supposed to share it with the designated child protection officer, which in their school happens to be Rob. She certainly shouldn’t have been getting involved, taking her to an abortion clinic.

  ‘What else could I do?’ protests Thea. ‘She was desperate, and she trusted me. Her parents are strict Muslims. They probably would have disowned her if they’d found out.’

  Abby thinks about this. In this ethnically uniform town there’s only one girl that Thea can be talking about.

  ‘Tanseela Jamali?’ She says, surprised.

  Thea claps her hand over her mouth. ‘Shit, yes. Jesus, I’m too drunk. You must promise you won’t tell anyone, Abby. Promise me, please.’

  Abby remembers teaching Tanseela last year. A quiet, well-behaved girl who was very good at drawing. She’s the last person she could imagine getting into that kind of trouble. ‘Jesus, she’s so young. I just can’t picture it, somehow. She’s such a good girl. I find it hard to imagine her dating anyone, let alone having sex.’

  ‘It’s always the quiet ones, though, isn’t it?’ says Thea. She drains her wine glass. ‘Though, it was kind of weird. At first, she refused to admit she’d even had sex.’

  ‘And did you believe her?’

  Thea laughs. ‘Er, hello? You do know how babies are made, don’t you? Of course, I didn’t believe her.’

  ‘What if it’s an issue of abuse? Someone older . . . or someone in her family? Don’t you think you should tell someone?’

  Thea puts her glass down and grabs Abby by the arm. ‘No, and you mustn’t either. She trusts me. Anyway, she’s left the school now, so it’s not our responsibility. Promise you won’t tell anyone. I haven’t even told Chris.’